In a terrible mess and need help

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I've posted in Relationships in the hope that people will be supportive and not too harsh on me. I don't feel strong enough to field AIBU-style criticism.

I am SAHM to 2 young DC (age 2 and 3). No close family.

I have 2 undergrad degrees but no work experience what-so-ever. I cannot drive.

I have never lived alone (went from living with mum to living with DH).

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

He's looking for a new job but warns me that he 'might need to contract away' (so live away from us).

I can't cope with the prospect of effectively being a single mum (I suffer from anxiety & depression). I don't think I could do the bulk of childcare on my own.

I feel at DH's mercy. We don't have a joint account (DH has always made silly excuses as to why we haven't got around to it).

Anything DH tells me I have to take as gospel because I don't have any other source of info. If he says he can't find a job in our area, I have to believe this - how would I know otherwise? I don't understand his industry (IT management). I feel ignorant and powerless.

I am slowly coming around to the idea of finding a job for myself but feel scared and incompetent, lacking in self-confidence. I have enrolled in a course at my local woman's centre for 'self confidence' and another for 'fighting anxiety and stress'. These courses begin after Easter.

I have also applied for a PhD scholarship (a very long shot) and will discover the outcome at the end of April.

Where do I go from here? I want to be independent and empowered but I feel scared and infantile. I need to take control of the situation (I crave control and my anxiety intensifies when I feel out of control).

Any suggestions most appreciated.

OP, you started a thread last week about how you thought having children was a mistake and that your DH was unsupportive. Lots of posters gave you great advice, have you followed up on any of that?

You do appear a little as though you've led a v sheltered life as evidence by the fact you've reached 31, never had a job and had to ask one poster what temping was.

Perhaps rather than getting bombarded with lots of advice from strangers online which must be confusing, you'd be better off actually seeking real advice from govt websites, CAB website, women's groups etc and doing something concrete.

I understand anxiety & depression. My DH got made redundant recently...I ramped up my hours at work whilst applying for every job going.

You do come across as very naive OP I'm afraid to say. I hope you get help with your depression & anxiety & can see the way forward soon.

Oh, dear, the cook.

She needs to grow up!!!! - As she didn't successfully do, having a very controlled & abusive background. Take it from me, 'growing up' as an adult is a fucking long haul. Fed will need to learn the grown-up practicalities first, then work on her emotional/psychological stuff once she's got things sorted. Challenging to do it that way round.

There's an average of 18 applicants per vacancy, nationwide.
85 applicants for each graduate job.

How do you suggest Fed makes herself 18 times better than the average applicant for the average job, or 85 times better than young & childfree graduates? I reckon it's going to be a long haul, and that's what she's working on.

Oh, it was deleted. Good.

I am still waiting to find out what you did post uni and pre children? This might help with advice.
I think op some people have just got cross as they ARE trying to help (just not in a poor you stylee) and you are choosing to ignore their questions.

Hi fed

Did you and your dh sit down and go through the finances/accounts today? Like he offered yesterday? Or are you still in the dark? I really think having some knowledge will help to relieve some of the anxiety that this unknown is causing you.

Have you thought more about about a trial separation and time spent by both of you getting counselling for yourselves. (He did say he wanted to go to relate by himself).

She has already explained that she has done two undergraduate degrees and the second was law. Given the topic of her phd application, it seems entirely feasible that she did a six year medical degree then a four year law degree. She doesn't need to explain herself any further.

So Soloman she has spent TEN YEARS at university and her first thought isn't to get a job with her significant degrees to support her children....silly me

Well the thing about extra study is you have to follow all the way through. If she gets the funding they may all be much better off in 5-10 yrs if she does the phd than if she gets a minimum wage job right now. Only op knows whether it passes the cost/benefit test based on how much she can earn afterwards.

I'm shocked at the amount of aggression that has been directed to a woman seeking support. I hope others don't assume this board is always so nasty.

This particular OP is not capable of 'just getting on with it', as she's been controlled all her life. Her intelligence is her saviour, as she was able to identify the problem, but it's not Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket. When you've been prevented from knowing how life works in practical terms, never been free to make your own choices - there is no manual. Most of us learn through experience, good or bad. If somebody's entire experience has been determined by others who undermine them and keep them in the dark, they certainly don't deserve to be still more undermined by people pretending to support them. Some of you should be ashamed.

Surely if your educated you won't be 'prevented' from knowing how life works. Are you telling me a lady with two degrees knows nothing of life.... Or rather that when it's been ok for partner to provide she has just let him.
I am sorry but if you want to leave your marriage/ partner you should provide for your children. Her depression/ anxiety cannot be that severe given what she has achieved and is striving to achieve. Jobs may not be easy to come by but with her educational background she has a better chance that most.

Compassionate as ever, wannabe Promise you'll stay off the Mental Health threads, please!

Why? I am a big believer in helping yourself and if you checked my posting history I know more than most about mental health. I have a child with severe mental health problems who spent two YEARS in a medium securd psych unit.

I am very much inclined to agree with wannabestressfree posts.

Loving you garlic

Well it seems that the op has gone.
Which is a shame as she seemed to need ongoing support, just having somewhere safe to discuss, gain knowledge or vent can be a lifeline.

I really don't understand why others posters continue on a thread if their advice has not been accepted by the op. OK come back a second time to clarify your view etc.

But why then continue to argue the toss and appear upset and pissed off that the op doesn't agree with the advice you have given.

Not just thinking of this thread but many others. Why do people feel so strongly that they keep on and on. Why not just leave it to the posters that have established an rapture with the op. On many threads this type of thing happens and the op just abandons the thread and any helpful support they were getting.

Mind you this thread did not have the standard "you asked for advice, I have given it, you refuse it, so why are you posting on here." Which is the most offensive in my view.

OP I hope.
1.That the courses you have booked ref anxiety etc are helpful.
2.That you manage to get out of the relationship if it is abusive or if it is not that you both manage to sort things out and you can get your husband to be open about finances.
3.That you do get the funding for your PhD
4.That if you do not want to continue this thread but still need support that you name change and return with a new thread.

I did wonder if your husband is intimidated by your academic ability, although he has done amazingly well without any qualifications.
Also maybe he gambles or something else with the money and is too embarrassed to tell you. If not does he really earn the high salary in the first place?

If he really is not abusive then he needs some consideration for being stressed, having lost his job; although none for not sharing the financial information.

Anyway all the best

Fed... If you are still listening, I am not sure that a PhD is such a good idea. It depends a little bit on the subject. It is less bruising in the sciences, but the social sciences/ arts and humanities experience is one of the most brutal and difficult things anyone can put themselves through. It's ok in the first year, but it ramps up pretty quickly thereafter. I don't really know anyone who got through psychologically unscathed, and most of my friends have one, as do DH and I. A job is honestly a whole lot easier. I think you sound an incredibly strong person being stifled by self doubt and self criticism, and a spell at work might help convince you how exceptional you actually are. THEN once your confidence has improved do the PhD!!