In a terrible mess and need help

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I've posted in Relationships in the hope that people will be supportive and not too harsh on me. I don't feel strong enough to field AIBU-style criticism.

I am SAHM to 2 young DC (age 2 and 3). No close family.

I have 2 undergrad degrees but no work experience what-so-ever. I cannot drive.

I have never lived alone (went from living with mum to living with DH).

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

He's looking for a new job but warns me that he 'might need to contract away' (so live away from us).

I can't cope with the prospect of effectively being a single mum (I suffer from anxiety & depression). I don't think I could do the bulk of childcare on my own.

I feel at DH's mercy. We don't have a joint account (DH has always made silly excuses as to why we haven't got around to it).

Anything DH tells me I have to take as gospel because I don't have any other source of info. If he says he can't find a job in our area, I have to believe this - how would I know otherwise? I don't understand his industry (IT management). I feel ignorant and powerless.

I am slowly coming around to the idea of finding a job for myself but feel scared and incompetent, lacking in self-confidence. I have enrolled in a course at my local woman's centre for 'self confidence' and another for 'fighting anxiety and stress'. These courses begin after Easter.

I have also applied for a PhD scholarship (a very long shot) and will discover the outcome at the end of April.

Where do I go from here? I want to be independent and empowered but I feel scared and infantile. I need to take control of the situation (I crave control and my anxiety intensifies when I feel out of control).

Any suggestions most appreciated.

You have been carried OP.

Break away. Earn your own money and stop relying on men. This is 2014.

Yes, you will be able to meet the outreach worker in person.

Good for you! I'm looking forward to your updates :)

I just wanted to jump on to say good luck op and you sound resourceful enough that once you get the ball rulirolling you should be able to manage brilliantly.
I think some posters have been incredibly unsupportive and unhelpful and unsympathetic and I don't know why, but I really hope you don't take that personally.
From my experience reading MN threads I'd say you're clearly in an abusive relationship and have been for a long time, and I wonder if perhaps you were also controlled a bit too.much by your mum before you moved in with your current DH? Apologies for suggesting this if I'm way off the mark.
Anyway good luck for the future, I really hope you get your PhD scholarship and can make some contribution to important life saving work. But more importantly than this I wish you happiness and a calm, in control life with your DC.

will pm when I've found it! There will also be annual area-specific ones, sometimes quarterly applications

Goodmorning Fed - hope it was ok last night when your husband came home and thats it calmer this morning. Do you think you are going to sit down and look at the account today? Whatever you decide to do it will help you to start taking control.

Ok you need proper benefits advice. The tax free stipend for the phd may not be counted st all as income. Yes I know a student on a tax free phd stipend in this situation who recently separated. Proper advice. Go seek.

Good kuck.

Of course you shouldn't give up on the scholarship. I would advise speaking to your uni about finances. They should have a student support department or similar who can give you advice. I'm part way through a degree as a mum to young DC. I've found my uni to be the best place for financial advice relating to studying and what I'm entitled to.

Otherwise, for when you're not studying, have a look at the benefits calculator at www.turn2us.org.uk . You can put in different scenarios and see what you would be entitled to.

Also perhaps worth looking at their grants section, you never know, might be something there which could support you with your research.

OP - Have some dignity

Is that what you say to all SAHMs? ODFOD

I think some posters have been incredibly unsupportive and unhelpful and unsympathetic and I don't know why

It's because I've made different choices to them and they want to feel superior. I just brush over their posts to he helpful ones.

I wonder if perhaps you were also controlled a bit too.much by your mum before you moved in with your current DH?

You are absolutely right. I've been NC since July 2012 but I still have nightmares about her watching and criticising me.

Goodmorning Fed - hope it was ok last night when your husband came home and thats it calmer this morning.

Thanks mumthetaxidriver He's been on his best behaviour today, with it being mothers' day. I'm appreciative of that.

Yes I know a student on a tax free phd stipend in this situation who recently separated.

How did life turn out for him/her?

Thanks for the financial advice wigglylines I love MN. When it's good, it's terribly good.

Hello OP

No I do not say 'have some dignity' to all Stay At Home Mothers. Just ones who come across as pathetic and helpless but at the same time can apply for a PhD and are wondering about 'spousal maintenance' Also, somebody that appears to hate their DP. You mention earlier he was 'punching above his weight' At least he had the balls to have a go. Have you ever had a job of any description?

OP - Can you explain how you have managed to get to 31 years of age without having a job. Granted, you have done two undergraduate degree but your eldest is only three so what have you been doing for the intervening years? Pardon me, if you have done dentistry and medicine back to back.

I hope that you do get your scholarship- please do seek advice OP, I think maybe your lack of confidence has stopped you from doing that.

You are worth it. You are worth getting out of this situation. There are people out there who can help with the practical side of stuff.

The unhelpful ones are the ones telling you what you don't want to hear. You are an adult and should be thinking about actually earning some money and contributing towards family finances as your DH doesn't have a job at the moment. Different choices doesn't mean taking no responsiblity for exactly how you and your family should be susupported financially. About time you lived in the real world OP.

thecook you clearly don't understand anxiety and depression. Also highjacking a support thread with unhelpful comments in v.uncool.

Is there as block function on MN, anyone? I've had to feel compelled to abandon this entire thread (a lot of it which has been so much help) because of a few insensitive and ignorant arseholes. But I'm finding that I'm picking myself up and then some arse comes along and drags me down again (yes, I really am that sensitive at the moment, as I stated in the OP)

Is there a 'hide poster' option?

Spousal maintainence as you have been a parent for three years, are you having a laugh? You have no loss of earnings to be compensated for given you have never had a job. Are you planning on paying him back for all the years pre children. I'd hesitate to guess not.

You have made it to your thirties without ever working. Thats not something to be proud of. Even now, you just not even planning on working but just moving from your husband to the state to support you.

Love how he is the bad guy yet he appears to have provided for your every need and must have resigned himself to the fact that you would never work. He may have faults but so do you.

This sort of thread makes me grateful I'm not a man. Or at least a person that gets kicked when I'm doing my best to hold down a job and support my family. Sorry but I think the OP is massively out of order here.

I'm glad not to be male too and worry greatly for my DS. Very sad just how many women see men as money makers there to provide for their every need and if they dont then they can leave and be easily replaced.

Double standards on here are rife and quite frightening.

I hope DS does something he adores that covers his costs so that potential women arent looking at his wage packet instead of the person he is.

I'm not sure if this has been said before (haven't read all posts), but most universities have hardship funds, bursaries etc available for students in financial difficulty. Definitely worth talking to them.

Okay, thanks to everyone who has been helpful. I hope it's okay if I PM you for further info if needed. I won't be returning to this thread but thank you for those who have given me a head-start on what I need to be doing to take control of my life.

Fed, no hide poster option unfortunately.
Feel free to start another thread or NC if you have to, or move to the other place.

There is quite a bit more to your story than may be apparent here.

It's worth bearing in mind too that - I think - your H has traced you to this board before (or been directed here), and indeed posted himself. So some covering of your tracks wouldn't be a bad idea anyway.

Happymummy, presumably you're making sure your DS doesn't grow up into the kind of man who'd even consider deliberately keeping his partner in ignorance, refusing to share and dictating the terms of his relationships in all aspects.

Mr. Fed has done this, and it's a safe guess he chose Fed as her abusively-controlled background had primed her for the treatment he wanted to dish out.

Don't leave your thread, Fed!

You need to get a job.

Brilliant. Where are all these jobs for 31-year-olds with absolutely no workplace experience? Do they come with free childcare?

Or are we in the UK in 2014?

Oh, OK, wyrdy makes a good point. NC and start another :)

Hi op, you must be very good to be possibly getting funding and fees paid for phd funding. The only thought I have from experience is think about the medium term too - if you get funding but your research doesn't quite deliver, will it still pay financially and lead to other well paid opportunities? I hope so, you should always follow your dreams but make sure there is a plan b for all possible PHD outcomes. I've got friends who've done arts PhDs that have ended up consulting etc in unrelated fields.

Also I'd ignore the get a job comments if you do your sums, you can survive with the dc through the phd and it leads to something well/reasonably paid. At 31 your career is worth a reasonable investment. Many us phd students have kids while doing PhDs. Academics also have greater time flexibility.