In a terrible mess and need help

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I've posted in Relationships in the hope that people will be supportive and not too harsh on me. I don't feel strong enough to field AIBU-style criticism.

I am SAHM to 2 young DC (age 2 and 3). No close family.

I have 2 undergrad degrees but no work experience what-so-ever. I cannot drive.

I have never lived alone (went from living with mum to living with DH).

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

He's looking for a new job but warns me that he 'might need to contract away' (so live away from us).

I can't cope with the prospect of effectively being a single mum (I suffer from anxiety & depression). I don't think I could do the bulk of childcare on my own.

I feel at DH's mercy. We don't have a joint account (DH has always made silly excuses as to why we haven't got around to it).

Anything DH tells me I have to take as gospel because I don't have any other source of info. If he says he can't find a job in our area, I have to believe this - how would I know otherwise? I don't understand his industry (IT management). I feel ignorant and powerless.

I am slowly coming around to the idea of finding a job for myself but feel scared and incompetent, lacking in self-confidence. I have enrolled in a course at my local woman's centre for 'self confidence' and another for 'fighting anxiety and stress'. These courses begin after Easter.

I have also applied for a PhD scholarship (a very long shot) and will discover the outcome at the end of April.

Where do I go from here? I want to be independent and empowered but I feel scared and infantile. I need to take control of the situation (I crave control and my anxiety intensifies when I feel out of control).

Any suggestions most appreciated.

Oh dear.

Has it made your thoughts clearer?

I'm worried now that he has big debts which you don't know about.

Twinklestein call them now? He's not in the flat. I'm not in any immediate danger.

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good.

You've been on MN all evening, might he check your posting?

I think I would wait till office hours to call but in the meantime there's usually good advice on here about gathering up what papers and evidence you can. Hopefully someone who knows exactly what they're talking about will be along soon.

Right now, are the children ok, and calm, if so I would make a cup of sugary tea and sit down and try to stop shaking. It's adrenaline.

The kids are in bed.

What could he be hiding in his bank statements of the last 20 years? :( This has shocked me to the core. It's confirmed aq terrible gut feeling I've had for many years.

I've got a banging headache from all the crying.

I'm worried now that he has big debts which you don't know about.

Me tool. I'm scared senseless. Can't stop shaking.

It's times like this when I wish I had a better social network. My closest friend is out. Another isn't replying.

I didn't mean right now as you don't say you're in danger. If he's not allowing you any access to money then you need to call them and sort out how you're going to get out of this.

It could be all kinds of things actually.

Do you know where he has gone and if/when he is likely to return?

Take a deep breath and make that tea. Or coffee.

Twinklestein he gives me an 'allowance' so doesn't completely prevent me from having any money.

But something is terribly wrong.

He's even admitted tonight that he's hiding something financial and he doesn't want me to have access to the accounts. I've always wondered why we're a family of 4 stuck in a tiny 2 bed flat (falling to pieces and with mould) despite him earning 62K.

I need to make a plan of action but I'm shaking and numb. I can't think straight.

Mother's Day tomorrow so no where will be open. On Monday I can make an appointment at the women's centre for emergency advice. If they're crap I can try the health visitor.

What else? I've googled "stop financial abuse" but I keep getting American sites or stuff about Elder financial abuse.

He's sent me a few angry texts about how I'm always having a go at him and how he hates being around me, and about how I'm bad to him.

Do you know where he has gone and if/when he is likely to return?

He's been drinking and I'm guessing he's drunk based on his behaviour. I've just peeked through the curtains and he's sitting in the car talking on his phone :(

Oh god fingers crossed he doesn't drive off.

Unless you are living in deepest London I would be very puzzled about the shitty flat as well.

I don't mean to be rude and I'm not having a go so please don't think this is a criticism, it's a genuine bit of puzzlement - did you not think to discuss the living arrangements with him dbefore now?

You can talk to women's aid now if you want to, or tomorrow - the only issue might be that the lines are engaged.

If you feel you are in any danger, fed, you can call police.

Why are you suddenly so concerned about money and financial security?

You are 31 and never worked and never earned your own money.

Your oldest child is only 3.

Who financially supported you for the previous 7 years of your marriage/relationship?

You said yourself the phd is a long shot so I really don't think you can wait around for it. You need to find a job and separate from your dh as you don't sound like you like him anymore.

Fedup: I remember your last thread, I hope things get better for you.

I've always wondered why we're a family of 4 stuck in a tiny 2 bed flat (falling to pieces and with mould) despite him earning 62K

OP didn't you post recently about not being able to move due to his bad credit record and massive overdraft?

Also from what he has has said, you are both, as a married couple, in obvious financial difficulties. He has just told you this, just not the details. If he is not willing to share the details and work on the solution, I am sure it will all come to light in the divorce proceedings.

I too think you need time to be alone and time to become more independent.

- did you not think to discuss the living arrangements with him dbefore now?

Yes, of course. He's always said that he needs to pay off the overdraft before we can get a house. He said it would take till the end of the year. But of course, now he's lost his job.

He's sent 3 further texts. Here they are in chronological order (I haven't replied to either):

text 1:

"I don't want to go out but even less do I want to continue arguing, can we leave each other be?"

text 2:

"And if you want the bank account I'll log you in at your computer, I've got nothing to hide except my own ineptness, but you love having things to blame me on so one more won't make any difference".

text 3:

"Please yourself, Im going to the pub"

OP didn't you post recently about not being able to move due to his bad credit record and massive overdraft?

Yes I did. That's correct.

If he is not willing to share the details and work on the solution, I am sure it will all come to light in the divorce proceedings.

Yes, I'm sure it will.

That is excellent. Get him to log you on so you can check out your financial situation. Then change the account so they are joint. Then you will be equally enlightened on your shared finances.

Sorry OP, all very distressing.

Does it look as if he has gone to the pub?

He should be sharing family financial info with you in a calm and constructive, partnership, and depending on how things are tomorrow, you might want to start with this again, afresh. tell him that no partnership or team ever worked by the members hiding things form each other. Whatever is going on in the finances, if he doesn't trust you know then your relationship is worth nothing. To either of you.

But you are right, he has been acting in a dodgy way. Playing power games, and more.

He treats you like a sap to have power over.

You treat yourself like a helpless victim.

Except you don't and you don't have to. Read your first couple of posts about how you know nothing, are dependent on your DH for info and experience etc.

And yet.... I don't suppose he found the courses for you. Or the Phd opportunity.

he is the very person causing your anxiety and the powerlessness that makes you think you are so dependent on him.

He is untrustworthy and controlling. Why is he sitting outside sending passive-aggressive and emotionally blackmailing texts? He could be inside apologising for blowing up in your face and talking constructively, partners together, about money, the future, managing together.

Seriously, I think you should ask the Women's centre about Freedom Training.

Whatever is going on in the finances, if he doesn't trust you know then your relationship is worth nothing. To either of you.

I agree.

_And yet.... I don't suppose he found the courses for you. Or the Phd opportunity.

You're right :) I have sparks of strength and I think they unnerve him.

he is the very person causing your anxiety and the powerlessness that makes you think you are so dependent on him.

I think you're right. Most of the time, when I'm on my own I am happy, content and even laugh. But then when I'm back in his presence the drama begins and the panic sets in :(

Why does he do this? Really, why? I have done nothing to deserve it.

Also, does he even realise he's doing it? Everything he says mentions how bad I am to him

Just checking in to see now you are - it must have been really upsetting for him to blow up like that. Do accept his sugestion of having access to the accounts. Maybe not tonight if he has been drinking.
Could you sit down tomorrow and go though them together? Tonight though he needs to apologise for his behaviour. Is he home yet?

It's his modus operandi - to deflect any challenge to his control back on to you by blaming you, making out everything is your fault. Exactly what he was doing on those texts. Blaming you. When HE is secretive about family finances, he blew up in your face, he stormed off.

Then instead of taking responsibility for his own behaviour he texts telling you that it is you who causes his behaviour, not him, and you are to blame for his behaviour. It is aggressive, and designed to undermine you.

Basically he is quite pathetic. People blame, and try to control others, when they feel out of control themselves.

Stay staunch, stay focussed. stay calm, and don't be modelled or put in role or cast as something you are not by him.

I think he's back. I heard the car door so he's probably having a smoke in the car.

You really hate your DH, don't you. Can you tell us why?

Why would you think you're entitled to maintenance when you've had a very short marriage and have looked after your own children as agreed for a very short time? You won't get much - the marriage is too brief to count for big bucks by law.

Why do you think you shouldn't work? Are you angry with DH because he may have to stop providing for you?

You can do a PhD and work, most people do. You've said you don't want to take on the bulk of the childcare, either (as a SAHM you must be doing at least a little of it). Would you consider letting him have custody of the DCs?

What steps have you taken to enable yourself to manage your life a bit?