In a terrible mess and need help

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I've posted in Relationships in the hope that people will be supportive and not too harsh on me. I don't feel strong enough to field AIBU-style criticism.

I am SAHM to 2 young DC (age 2 and 3). No close family.

I have 2 undergrad degrees but no work experience what-so-ever. I cannot drive.

I have never lived alone (went from living with mum to living with DH).

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

He's looking for a new job but warns me that he 'might need to contract away' (so live away from us).

I can't cope with the prospect of effectively being a single mum (I suffer from anxiety & depression). I don't think I could do the bulk of childcare on my own.

I feel at DH's mercy. We don't have a joint account (DH has always made silly excuses as to why we haven't got around to it).

Anything DH tells me I have to take as gospel because I don't have any other source of info. If he says he can't find a job in our area, I have to believe this - how would I know otherwise? I don't understand his industry (IT management). I feel ignorant and powerless.

I am slowly coming around to the idea of finding a job for myself but feel scared and incompetent, lacking in self-confidence. I have enrolled in a course at my local woman's centre for 'self confidence' and another for 'fighting anxiety and stress'. These courses begin after Easter.

I have also applied for a PhD scholarship (a very long shot) and will discover the outcome at the end of April.

Where do I go from here? I want to be independent and empowered but I feel scared and infantile. I need to take control of the situation (I crave control and my anxiety intensifies when I feel out of control).

Any suggestions most appreciated.

I can't believe some people chose to live in such ignorance really I don't. You don't appear to

• know what he does really
• know what he earns or where it goes
• have any idea of how you will survive

Sorry if this is harsh but I am shocked. You have children.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say how much I admire you. You are completely pulling yourself and your life together in a difficult situation. You are taking concrete positive steps and showing real gumption and determination. I feel inspired. Good for you!

So, let's say DH tells me "no I won't let you do the PhD - you have to get a job"

Well, this is madness because with zero work experience, I'll be looking at a minimum wage job anyway!

So, consequently, me and DH go our separate ways.

I move into uni accomodation or keep the flat (depending on my legal rights). We share custody. I do PhD and get benefits. Life goes on.

Is this too simplistic? Am I overlooking something?

Also, does the 3.5 years of free childcare I have provided for DH not amount to anything? Is there no such thing as spousal maintenance? Do SAHMs not have any legs to stand on when they divorce?

Sorry if this is harsh but I am shocked. You have children.

Yes, I know. It needs to change. I'm in a very, very bad situation. It needs to change now. I'm looking for help to point me in the right direction. I don't know where to start to get the independence and knowledge I need to be a good mother and a sane human being. Will you help me or will you just smirk at me?

Bless you Nosleeptillbedtime

I promise you I am not smirking. I am not a typical mummy, look at my posts.
I just feel for you and how vulnerable you are and as an educated woman am shocked that you know so little.
Anyway I made that point already. If I can help in anyway with benefit advice or more practical stuff pm me. That sort of stuff I do know.

wannabestressfree

Can you tell me what would happen if I get the PhD scholarship but DH and I split. What would I be entitled to?

The scholarship is £15K per year (not including the fees which are wavered). What benefits could I get that would top this up? What about spousal maintenance upon divorce? What about help with childcare?

Do you have any extra time? I do a lot of journal copy-editing - is that something you could look into to supplement the PhD? I get away with having no subject knowledge because I have worked in journal publishing for years, but for some subjects/journals subject knowledge is seen as more important.

You could get child tax, working tax, housing benefit, council tax benefit and maintenance based on your husbands job.
I didn't ask for spousal support but you can ask to remain in property or have a percentage of the equity.

I get help toward my childcare built into my working tax

Thank you wannabestressfree. That is VERY helpful (and reassuring) info. How would housing benefit work with a mortgaged property? Does that mean the Gov pay the mortgage?

Is the 'maintenance' the child support?

There are several very different scenarios here and lots if conflicting variables. You need to decide what YOU want from life. If you want to do the PhD - assuming it will lead to employment - then you need to work out how to make that happen.

You need to sit down with your husband and work out a budget, how much longer will he have cash coming in for?

Housing benefit will pay the interest on a mortgage for a period of time. Google it.

If you have two degrees you should be able to get some sort of job, but it would be entry level.

I think you really need to work out if you're stating with your husband or not. You can't take any decisions or make plans until then.

You would get tax credits, possibly housing & council tax benefit and your H would have to pay some child maintenance.

Just as a guide I was working 20 hrs a week in an admin job earning about 16k when I left my ex and I managed fine.

Four years later I've had two promotions, increased my hours and now. earn 24k (still p/t).

My advice would be make a long term plan, then work out small steps towards achieving it. You don't need to go from 0 to 100 straight away!

Does anyone know about spousal maintenance? Have I really just disadvantaged my career prospects providing free childcare for nothing?

Free childcare? You made a conscious decision to stay at home with your children. Take some responsibility for that decision. What did you think would happen? You seem to just be drifting along allowing things to "happen" around you without realising you're part of it all.

All I know about spousal maintainence is its not as much as you expect. I think there's a thread in AIBU about changes to it whereby you would be expected to look for some sort of job.

If you want to do the PhD - assuming it will lead to employment - then you need to work out how to make that happen.

Yes, completely yes!

how much longer will he have cash coming in for?

Till the end of April.

You need to sit down with your husband and work out a budget

Can you give me an example of what you mean? Get a joint account set up?

but it would be entry level.

Yes, the equivalent of the £15K PhD scholarship, hence why throwing away the scholarship would be madness.

I think you really need to work out if you're stating with your husband or not. You can't take any decisions or make plans until then

Yes I agree. But this is hard to do. I want couple counselling, but HE insists he needs one-to-one counselling before he will do couple. It's on HIS terms.

Just as a guide I was working 20 hrs a week in an admin job earning about 16k when I left my ex and I managed fine.

Thank you. Can you tell me a little about your lifestyle during that time? Was childcare easy to access? How many DC do you have? What about accommodation? Were you able to have any 'treats'?

My advice would be make a long term plan, then work out small steps towards achieving it

I have emailed the woman's centre. I'm hoping that they may have a counsellor or someone who can help me draw up the plan. But as someone upthread has said, I currently don't know what position my marriage is in. DH is not very responsive.

Take some responsibility for that decision. What did you think would happen?

Spousal maintenance in the event of a split? (Marriage being a safety precaution). I saw the free childcare as me helping DH to get on with his career whilst I held the fort at home. Was that naive?

Spousal maintenance will depend if your H has surplus income once assets have been split and he's covered his living expenses and paid CM.

For example if he earned an extra 1k every month after he'd paid all his living expenses and CM, and your income could not cover your living expenses, you could make a claim for some of that to make up the shortfall. You would assume equal standards of living, similar size / value homes etc. Most people settle for a clean break though with a larger % of equity going to the partner with the lower earning capacity.

You really need to see a solicitor though as it will depend on individual circumstances.

Also, you would be expected to start working at some point, so you might look to claim for a period of time until you had found work and your income was higher.

Thanks Diagonally

DH's current earning potential = at least 52K.

My current earning potential = £15K

"I would scrimp and save and spend my £15K on childcare (DH would pay his share). I don't need much to live off. I don't have any expensive hobbies or tastes in clothes, etc. My only hobby is a £20 per month gym membership"

Sorry, this is harsh I'm telling you this in a friendly realistic way: that's not possible. Your childcare alone would eat up your scholarship, you will need to find p/t work. I second the other poster, focus on yourself then go back to the PhD later- defer a year.

It may be your dream, but you need to sort it all out before you leap in. I've studied as a single mum, planning to again. You will have a shock. I say this in kindness.

Okay, few links that might help...

Benefit calculator

Money Advice Service

CAB

I'd say you need to start with a spreadsheet of all your incomings and outgoings. Understand the cost of running your household and how that might change in different scenarios - where savings can be made etc. Ensure you have your own bank account with Child Benefit being paid into it.

Don't worry, you'll get your head round it all!

Not a joint account. One where you can see how much money comes in and how much goes out - bills, mortgage, food, petrol, debt payments etc. Do you know any of this already? It's just about you being able to spend "his" money, it's about knowing how much it costs to run your house/family.

I think with two degrees you could get something at more than £15k frankly. Have you ever looked for, applied for or been interviewed for a job?

spousal maintainence in the event of a split seriously? Your life plan is based on 'well if all goes tits up someone else will still look after me'.

I am flabbergasted.

Does anyone know about spousal maintenance? Have I really just disadvantaged my career prospects providing free childcare for nothing?

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

Your DH doesn't have an income at present to pay any sort of maintainence.

FWIW, my friend, three children, ExH on a high 6 figure salary, and she gave up her superior career to support his and bring up the children - did not get spousal maint. However she is getting the thick end of 30K child maint a year though. This would not be the case for you.

*I currently don't know what position my marriage is in. DH is not very responsive.^

What do you want? He doesn't have to call the shots.

Again FWIW, 13 year age gap, malleable, naïve young girl, he's not going to like you flexing any wings is he?

You're an educated woman. Google is your oyster. Why aren't you researching welfare entitlements etc?

Your childcare alone would eat up your scholarship

Both DH and I would be paying childcare in proportion to our wages. How is this not possible?

Or let him have full custody and I pay what little CM I can?

One where you can see how much money comes in and how much goes out - bills, mortgage, food, petrol, debt payments etc. Do you know any of this already?

No, I don't know this already, and DH has been happy with me not knowing. Why do you think this is? :(

I think with two degrees...

They're both undergrad.

seriously? Your life plan is based on 'well if all goes tits up someone else will still look after me'

My plan was that we were a team. I hold one fort, he holds another. Why does this flabbergast you?

What do you want? He doesn't have to call the shots.

I would prefer we work together on this - but his input is obviously needed for that. So, in a way, he does call the shots doesn't he?

he's not going to like you flexing any wings is he?

Damn right. I think it scares the shit out of him. So let's get flexing!!

Re lifestyle as lone parent on 16k

Initially I rented (newly renovated cottage, was lovely!), rent was 750/ month and HB reduced it to about 500.

Then our old house was sold and equity was split, so I bought my own place.

No termtime childcare costs because DS was in reception, and I worked p/t. However, tax credits do cover some childcare costs.

Standard of living - no paid for holidays (but plenty of trips to see family & friends), furniture / white goods from e-bay, found a gym membership for 17 / month, clothes mostly charity shop finds / matalan / tk maxx, still had my hair cut and bought nice toiletries, ran my car - its all about careful budgeting