In a terrible mess and need help

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I've posted in Relationships in the hope that people will be supportive and not too harsh on me. I don't feel strong enough to field AIBU-style criticism.

I am SAHM to 2 young DC (age 2 and 3). No close family.

I have 2 undergrad degrees but no work experience what-so-ever. I cannot drive.

I have never lived alone (went from living with mum to living with DH).

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

He's looking for a new job but warns me that he 'might need to contract away' (so live away from us).

I can't cope with the prospect of effectively being a single mum (I suffer from anxiety & depression). I don't think I could do the bulk of childcare on my own.

I feel at DH's mercy. We don't have a joint account (DH has always made silly excuses as to why we haven't got around to it).

Anything DH tells me I have to take as gospel because I don't have any other source of info. If he says he can't find a job in our area, I have to believe this - how would I know otherwise? I don't understand his industry (IT management). I feel ignorant and powerless.

I am slowly coming around to the idea of finding a job for myself but feel scared and incompetent, lacking in self-confidence. I have enrolled in a course at my local woman's centre for 'self confidence' and another for 'fighting anxiety and stress'. These courses begin after Easter.

I have also applied for a PhD scholarship (a very long shot) and will discover the outcome at the end of April.

Where do I go from here? I want to be independent and empowered but I feel scared and infantile. I need to take control of the situation (I crave control and my anxiety intensifies when I feel out of control).

Any suggestions most appreciated.

Tonight though he needs to apologise for his behaviour.

I really don't think that's going to happen. He'll have a face like a smacked arse and snarl at me until I go to bed and leave him alone.

What a life eh.

People blame, and try to control others, when they feel out of control themselves.

Why though :(

I know he feels shit about himself - about his manhood, his ability to be a provider, his ability to be a good husband and father. But why bully me?

Stay staunch, stay focussed. stay calm, and don't be modelled or put in role or cast as something you are not by him.

Thank you Blu. I will try to stay calm. I will go to bed as soon as he enters the room. I've just regained my composure so don't want to lose it again.

In this situation I think you should put your own plans on hold till your DH is sorted out with a job. If you are having problems with stress is it really advisable to embark on yet another course of study. I think once your DH's job is secure then you should start looking for some work so the burden of supporting the family's finances don't all fall on his shoulders. Even part-time would be a start.

Sorry you are right - best to leave him to sober up..

Vivienne did you read the whole thread?

No I didn't. I apologise.

Sorry, haven't rtft, but like your friend, I separated from an XH who was very controlling, had to have all the finances geared up for him, only he knew all the online banking passwords etc, shifted money around from one card to another to save interest payments so I never knew where money/debts were.

I don't think he was financially abusive as such, but he didn't trust me to deal with money in case I mucked things up and I trusted that he knew best.

My ex also had to work away for a year and it was the making of me. I realised that I was already capable of doing it all, we argued when he came home because he wasn't used to being in amongst the chaos of the family and I expected some help, while he expected a break. I'd become a single parent without the freedom!

So when the time was right and the last straw broke the camel's back, I ended it. Once I'd made the decision to leave him I was petrified about coping on my own. My self esteem was on the floor, I didn't believe I could work, earn, cope with bills and responsibility. After all, I couldn't be trusted to do the supermarket shopping without having my receipts checked for errors and overspends!

And guess what, I manage fine, I earn my own money, deal with tax credits and bills, changed energy suppliers ALL BY MYSELF (the kind of thing I never thought I'd be able to do), I've met a lovely man, who I love dearly and who is very open and generous with money (although I don't know if I'll ever want to share my life completely with anyone again). I also get a night off each week when the DCs are with their dad (to start with that was heartbreaking, watching them leave with him, but now I relish my night off with my DP).

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, like others have said, you sound like you'd be better off without him. Don't be scared, plenty of us manage.

"Why though?"

Because the very act of apportioning blame on someone else makes you feel a bit in control and having decided the other person is to blame you are then excused the necessity to examine your own behaviour and responsibility - with the risk that it be fond wanting.

Blaming others protects you from the self -examination that would reveal the flaws and failings in your own self.

Is he drunk?
Did he drive?

I have no immediate advice; you need to contact Women's Aid as others have said. And a solicitor.

But in the long term; consist voluntary work. I suffer from social anxiety. I have the same very menial job as I had when I was 16 (now 23). Not enough confidence socially to do something else despite intellectual ability. I have several voluntary jobs, now. All flexible. A few hours a week. I don't have kids but other volunteers even bring theirs to fundraisers. It's helped a lot and I now feel employable and confident.

Sending strength!

Consider not consist**

So when the time was right and the last straw broke the camel's back, I ended it.

Can you tell me about how you made the break? What stages did you go through? How did he react? How old were the DC and how did they react? Does your ex now have a new partner? How does that make you feel?

ALL BY MYSELF (the kind of thing I never thought I'd be able to do)

I like this :) How does it feel?

Blaming others protects you from the self -examination that would reveal the flaws and failings in your own self.

Hmmmm so it is possible that he doesn't realise just how nasty he is being? That he really thinks its all me being nasty?

Is he drunk?
Did he drive?

No, he walked to the pub and back then sat in the car for a smoke.

Ok just read your other threads.

I think you need to separate from your marriage. It hasn't been a healthy marriage for awhile now. Him working away is a good thing as it will give you actual space. You are not good together and don't respect each other at all.

For you personally I think living independently will do you the world of good as you do seen to be stuck in a helpless victim role, which doesn't suit you as you have accomplished a lot academically and definitely would be able to find employment and some independence if you gave yourself a chance.

Also as a single parent you will be able to get childcare for the 2 year old as well so this will help to relieve the fear of having to to so the bulk of childcare alone.

Thanks Sharaluck

I know people are saying that I'm in the victim role, but it's confusing because DH has the constant attitude that HE is the victim and that I am the bully.

So, is everyone basically saying that there is no way to salvage my marriage? :(

That's why you need to end it.

You aren't compatible and happy together.

Partners can both be 'at fault' and 'not at fault' in a relationship. Assigning blame/responsibility for marital problems is pointless and will just lead to more problems and stress. You have been in this relationship for 10 years and have been having problems for how long?

If you really are against divorcing at the moment have a trial separation and see how you feel.

I guess you could have a trial separation, he can have his own counselling at relate, you can do your courses and then maybe you could come together to have joint counselling and then you could see if you do want to try again.

I like the trial idea rather than an outright split. But even a trial is going to take courage. I hope the self-esteem course can help me summon it. I've never done anything like this before. I'm scared shitless.

it sounds to me like
you feel trapped, scared and unhappy and are looking for an 'out', the sense of relief and exhilaration from impending freedom is unexpectedly large

?

in which case, you should leave. if you want to save the relationship, you need to stay and try.

I think you should do the PhD and I think that whether he is around or not, somehow you will manage.

I also think he should look at consultancy work

you should be fully clued up on what to do if it ends and you end up a PhD student with 2 small children - is there on-site childcare? can you apply for extra grants? etc

I am a medic I have a long list of women/health/science additional grant awards

I left my exP, he lost a job - but I left 2 years after that as he was an abusive psychopath. but yes - I find it easier to manage, despite financial doom, without him around stressing me even further

that feeling in the pif of your stomach, that ominous anxiety and dread, perhaps some of it is a panic that you are stuck and trapped, and you won't get out and this is it you've got stuck in your own life and can't see a way out,

well this is not the case, you'll absolutely get there

He was relieved I think that I'd made the decision and he didn't have to be 'the bad guy'! He was miserable too and relished the independence he had while working away.

He hasn't met anyone else yet, but I'd honestly be happy for him if he did (hoping that it's someone the DCs like and who doesn't cause any particular issues!). We weren't right for each other, but we have 3 lovely DCs to show for it, who fortunately seem to have inherited the best of both of us, so our hugely different personalities have created these great people.

It helps that I've met someone so different from him, which has made me realise that all these things I dismissed as "that's just how men are" were actually just him being a dick.

He found a small house and moved out ASAP, I stayed in the family home which I think helped the DCs to deal well with it. Of course they were all really upset to start with and they have their moments when they wish things were back as before, when they forget how miserable we all were and just want to avoid the hassle of staying at a different house once a week.

They miss their dad, but probably spend more actual time with him now, as he wasn't very 'present' even when he was here, working shifts so he didn't do bedtimes/baths etc. It's more the idea of being a single parent family that bothers my eldest, but they all get on really well with new DP and the fact that both XH and I are both so much happier must be good for them. It wasn't a healthy environment for them or a good example of a relationship.

XH pays maintenance without any issues, which really helps too and I have registered as a childminder (excellent job for fitting around the DCs but not something I could ever have done when XH lived here as he didn't want other DCs in the house).

I can honestly say I wish I'd made the leap years ago. I did try a couple of times, but caved (due to pressure from DS1 who got very upset the first time we decided to separate). I also gave in once when I tried to find out about financial help I'd be entitled to and didn't even know where to find the mortgage details or my NI number! But once all the paperwork was in one place and I knew what I was dealing with, I felt really strong and independent being able to sort this things out.

I don't think you should even consider trying to salvage your marriage. You're married to a bullshitter with hidden debts & vices, who abuses you emotionally and financially.

Taking control of your future doesn't have to mean lurching precipitously from one crisis to another. Sometimes it means grounding yourself in reality, getting information, meticulous planning and playing a longer game. You're clearly tremendously intelligent; I think you'll find great satisfaction to this once you get stuck in.

I'm sorry some posters are being rudely incredulous about your predicament (not many, thank goodness!) FWIW, I was nothing like you but also a lot like you - independent, high earning (more than your CH for crap husband,) confident, outspoken, popular. BUT there were gaping holes in my understanding of life, which I wasn't even aware of. Consequence of faulty upbringing. Lacking such a resource as Mumsnet, i floundered when my marriages broke up and applied inappropriate values in my decision-making. I ended up with nothing, materially.

This isn't about me, and I am desperate to pass on some advice based on my experience.

Firstly, do an assertiveness course. I got a good one free from work, which opened my eyes, and followed up later with more therapy & coaching. A group course is better than a book (though there are good books,) because groups involve face-to-face practice. Most women's centres run them. Here's my favourite assertiveness primer to give you an idea of what it's about :)

Secondly, ring Women's Aid. Like many other posters here, I donate regularly to them so they can continue to fund helplines, which offer the chance to talk things through, in a pressure-free manner, with a wise & experienced person who genuinely understands your situation. After talking with them, ask specifically for a local outreach contact. This person will be available for you to talk to and, importantly, have access to the legal and financial advice you may need. Call them on a weekday - violent households tend to kick off over the weekend.

Thirdly, task yourself to Find Everything Out, about both your domestic finances and how things work in this world, currently, for newly-separated mothers. Keep using your thread as a guide what you need to learn, and where to look. Remember all the rules about verifying information and checking it currency. I promise you'll enjoy this!

Fourthly - keep posting! I can't overstate the value of Mumsnet to women developing their independence.

Fifth: Cover your tracks. Use private browsing, and still make sure you erase your cookies & history securely before you log off (CCleaner is a good, free app for this on a computer.) Change your passwords frequently - use an app like LastPass to generate new passwords and save them for you. Change your LastPass password often!

How're you feeling? A bit more empowered yet?

I think that whether he is around or not, somehow you will manage.

I do too. Thank you :)

I am a medic I have a long list of women/health/science additional grant awards

Are they area-specific? Can you PM me some details please?

that feeling in the pif of your stomach, that ominous anxiety and dread

That's how I feel sometimes when he's in the room.

I also gave in once when I tried to find out about financial help I'd be entitled to and didn't even know where to find the mortgage details or my NI number!

Yup, that's me right now.

A group course is better than a book

That's great. Cause that's what I'm doing :)

Call them on a weekday

Thank you. You're giving me some very good advice. Would an outreach worker be able to meet in person?

Thanks so much. Please everyone, keep posting and I will keep working on improving this mess.

OP - Have some dignity

You expect 'spousal maintenance' Your marriage has been short. You will not get it. Have you thought about getting a JOB?