In a terrible mess and need help

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I've posted in Relationships in the hope that people will be supportive and not too harsh on me. I don't feel strong enough to field AIBU-style criticism.

I am SAHM to 2 young DC (age 2 and 3). No close family.

I have 2 undergrad degrees but no work experience what-so-ever. I cannot drive.

I have never lived alone (went from living with mum to living with DH).

DH recently lost his 62K job (failed his probation period) and is on 1 month 'garden leave'.

He's looking for a new job but warns me that he 'might need to contract away' (so live away from us).

I can't cope with the prospect of effectively being a single mum (I suffer from anxiety & depression). I don't think I could do the bulk of childcare on my own.

I feel at DH's mercy. We don't have a joint account (DH has always made silly excuses as to why we haven't got around to it).

Anything DH tells me I have to take as gospel because I don't have any other source of info. If he says he can't find a job in our area, I have to believe this - how would I know otherwise? I don't understand his industry (IT management). I feel ignorant and powerless.

I am slowly coming around to the idea of finding a job for myself but feel scared and incompetent, lacking in self-confidence. I have enrolled in a course at my local woman's centre for 'self confidence' and another for 'fighting anxiety and stress'. These courses begin after Easter.

I have also applied for a PhD scholarship (a very long shot) and will discover the outcome at the end of April.

Where do I go from here? I want to be independent and empowered but I feel scared and infantile. I need to take control of the situation (I crave control and my anxiety intensifies when I feel out of control).

Any suggestions most appreciated.

I think the thing you really need to focus on right now is your anxiety and your confidence. That is what is making you so dependent on your husband, hampering you from getting a job, and it will make doing a PhD difficult.

You say you're on medication - I'm not sure that medication is that effective for anxiety anyway - but in your case particularly it does not seem to be enough. I assume you've had therapy, but I think further therapy would be much more valuable than a local course.

Katkins is right that 15k won't cover childcare and you would need to work. But this scholarship is quite a long shot anyway - I'm sure you're aware how hard funding is to come by and support of your university and a 'global organisation' is no guarantee.

In order to work and to function independently in the world, you need to recover some confidence and get your anxiety levels down. Even if your funding does come through, you will not be able to take full advantage of the doors it opens - a teaching post for example - if you are not fully confident and competent in the workplace.

I am actually most worried about your relationship with your husband. It doesn't sound like you love him and I also don't think he will be much more if a financial support whether you are with him or not. Refusing to discuss things, saying things which he knows will cause you distress, hiding the finances from you and spending all the extra money without you knowing. This is not a man who is wanting to be in a loving and balance relationship.

If you split he will have to disclose finances and there may be a secret stash you know nothing about. If you sell the flat will there be any equity?

Two things are certain. You are in a stressful time which is not about to magically go away. You need to have more control an knowledge over your own life.

I think you should get two plans in place. One for if you do get the funding an one for if you don't. Neither plan should rely on your husband to provide anything as he sounds utterly unreliable.

Yes, you provided free childcare while he fucked up his career and kept the majority if the money secret, but sadly there I little financial protection for you.

I feel sorry for you. You have been tryin to do the right thing but you are not being supported by your husband.

Fwiw I think the PhDs sounds like the best bet. You have the plans in place and if the funding comes through then you could also work part time.

Speak to someone at Uni now. The grants and loans etc are all being put into place at this time of year so assume you are starting out with you and dcs and nothing else and see what you can get put into place. You are likely to be able to get some cheaper housing and grants or loans plus childcare options.

Hey fed up.

What is it you want? Do you want out of your marraige or do you want to change the power balance?

If the options are parenting alone while he works away but being together, or parenting along full time and being single, which do you want?

Go for the phd definitely, ignore any naysayers. I would say that's not even up for discussion in any scenario.

You are letting him hold the cards. Has it never occurred to YOU to ASK about household finances?

Do you know how much childcare costs? Full time daycare at least £700 per month, do say you get your scholarship, divided by 12 minus the childcare leaves you £900 for food, rent, phone, electric, clothes, books, gas, water etc.

We employ people with undergrad degrees they don't start on £15k. More like £22.

I just can't believe intelligent women don't see that marriages fail and you need more than a man with a plan to rely on.

You sound incredibly naive.

I think she should go for the PhD, but realistically she needs a plan B & C.

Who are the naysayers? The PhD is determinant on it being funded...

Thanks Diagonally. Where in the world are you located?

I think the thing you really need to focus on right now is your anxiety and your confidence. That is what is making you so dependent on your husband, hampering you from getting a job, and it will make doing a PhD difficult.

Yes. I've enrolled on that two courses for anxiety&stress, and self-confidence. I'm on meds and hopefully will get counselling soon.

I'm sure you're aware how hard funding is to come by and support of your university and a 'global organisation' is no guarantee.

Yes, it's a long shot. I am prepared to work if the scholarship doesn't come through.

Refusing to discuss things, saying things which he knows will cause you distress, hiding the finances from you and spending all the extra money without you knowing. This is not a man who is wanting to be in a loving and balance relationship.

This is true. I guess I needed external validation of my suspicions (that he's an arse).

there may be a secret stash you know nothing about.

How can I put a stop to his behaviour? Do I have any control here? Any options to stop him treating me this way? Be brutal.

Speak to someone at Uni now.

I don't know if I have the funding yet. I will find out in a couple of weeks.

Do you want out of your marraige or do you want to change the power balance?

I would prefer the latter. To change the power balance and make it equal.

if the options are parenting alone while he works away but being together, or parenting along full time and being single, which do you want?

I don't know :( That's my honest answer.

but realistically she needs a plan B & C.

Yes, I agree.

Plan B: Get job and stay with DH.

Plan C: Get job and split from DH.

I am not sure whether Plan B or Plan C is best for both the DC and me (cause it's not all about me).

Plenty of practical advice here. Just want to offer some words of encouragement.
It sounds like your relationship with your husband has sapped your self- confidence. But you are an intelligent lady capable of research which could save lives - just think how proud your children will be when they are older.
You must follow your dream or you'll always regret it.
So it might be hard financially, whether you stay with your husband or not but the long term affect on your mental wellbeing will be as good as any medication or counselling.
I do hope that you can find the courage and strength to do this - and that you get the funding too.

You must follow your dream or you'll always regret it.

Thank you. I know deep down that its' true. It feels like my (cheesy I know) destiny.

he long term affect on your mental wellbeing will be as good as any medication or counselling.

Yes. I have always suffered from depression & anxiety after a stressful childhood so I would hate to pin it all on DH, but I really don't think he helps.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

Can anyone tell me if there is anyway to stop the (what appears to be) financial abuse my DH has been doing for years?

Those of you telling the op to get a job make it sound the easy option for her. She is in her thirties and has never ever worked! This is a very unusual scenario for a 21st century educated woman but there you go.

On top of that she has anxiety and depression. She is scared at the prospect of her husband working away. I can't see how she can look after the children and work (if she could get a job anyway.)

Mind you op, with your intelligence and education, like another poster said, why aren't you simply researching it all yourself on the internet? About to do a PhD I'm sure your research skills are second to none. I am a lone working parent and spend hours budgeting, working out the numbers and making sure I access everything I am entitled to. I have to to survive.

I think your PhD is the only realistic chance of you gaining an income in a way that you can cope with.

if the options are parenting alone while he works away but being together, or parenting along full time and being single, which do you want

I've been talking to my newly single mummy friend about this. She said that life is easier now that she's split from her kids' dad. Her DH worked away a lot so she was effectively a single mum and when he came home they would argue and she'd still have the stress of the kids. But now they've split, she has time alone (a 'break' from parenting) and no more arguing. Does this resonate with anyone? I appreciate that she's biased.

Strike out on your own?

Mind you op, with your intelligence and education, like another poster said, why aren't you simply researching it all yourself on the internet?

Because, as you've even noted yourself, there is fear and anxiety involved here. I could do with some support/hand-holding. If you think that's pathetic, fair enough, you're entitled to your opinion.

I have just read through this. I think that your if your OH left you it would actually be the best thing that ever happened to you. If you have been controlled by first your Mother and your Partner then you could probably do with a couple of years "finding" yourself. You are possibly so compliant with both of them that you don't even know yourself or what you are capable of achieving.

I think you need to work on your self-esteem just as much as your anxiety. With regard to whether to stay in education or not, I think you are not capable of juggling even a part-time job and childcare. You would burn out mentally far to easily.

ZIP x

I don't think you're 'pathetic' for a moment and I certainly didn't say that. It sounds like you have a chance of starting to tackle all this. You do need some real-life support though. You don't have family, what about friends/other mums?

I think that your if your OH left you it would actually be the best thing that ever happened to you.

That brought tears to my eyes.

You don't have family, what about friends/other mums?

I've got a few mum friends and the woman's centre.

Okay, before I confront DH about the finances, I need to know if there is anything else I need to add to the following list.

Using Wips fine advice, the list of info he needs to provide me with is:

Access to an account where I can see how much money comes in and how much goes out.
How much money is spent on bills;
How much money is spent on mortgage;
How much money is spent on food; petrol, debt payments, etc.
Several months of past bank statements.

Hello fed. No practical advice in this post, but am here to offer you moral support.
I recognise you from another thread (will not out you).

Suffice to say that PP are right: your DH has sapped your confidence and been very controlling.

Regardless of this, you sound very clear thinking and determined. I think your best course of action will soon become clear to you.

Nowwhat where does he keep all his paperwork? Can you get a look at it without asking him? I fear he has mo e stashed away of which you know nothing. A 52k salary is quite a lot to just fritter away.

I don't think your pathetic BUT you seem very resigned to everything and as others have said you are an educated lady. Go and seek legal advice if only to show him your serious. Strike out on your own, don't seek spousal support. He isn't working and until he does your limited to what you can claim from him.
Use the links to see what your entitled to. Research somewhere to live near the uni. What you will need for deposit and first month. Look at childcare.
I don't mean to sound disparaging. You have two undergrad degrees and what seems to be no common sense.

Just going back to the "free childcare" thing, your husband may well argue that he gave up time with the children to work full time so that could spend all of your time at home.

I thought spousal maintenance was pretty much unheard of nowadays.

I'm physically shaking. I've just confronted DH about the finances. He blew up in my face and left the flat. He said he doesn't want me to have access to the financial records of his past 20 years. That he doesn't want me asking questions and he's 'embarrassed' about stuff he spent money on in the last 20 years (we've been together for 10 of them).

I'm shaking at how real and scary this is. I am literally being financially abused.

He's marched out of the flat. What now.

Call Women's Aid and try to figure out your escape.