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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/04/2014 20:13

Oh long may reasonableness last. Don't hold your breath but let's hope.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 13/04/2014 19:22

We've agreed finances.

He is coming out of being nice and is now complaining I treat him like a stranger.

He also wants to take the dc on holiday. He couldn't tell you their bedtime routine and fave stories if you held a gun to his head:(

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 13/04/2014 19:27

Keep your chin up, Lavender. You will het through this.

I can't offer any advice on post split holidaying/contact arrangements, I'm afraid, but I am sure other MNers will be on here with advice shortly.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 13/04/2014 19:30

He lives abroad so contact is a very short sentence.

I see I have a new load of problems:(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/04/2014 19:34

Oh dear what new problems? Do you think there is a risk of him failing to return the dc? You could insist on holidays being in the UK?

I have a feeling he will just argue with you for the sake of it tbh just to pile on the guilt.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 13/04/2014 21:10

He is being a twat now and says I'm not grateful enough for finance provision and I must be much nicer to him.

God he's a nightmare.

He wants to take dc to europe to see their gps for 3 weeks. I'm not overly happy, obviously.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 13/04/2014 21:53

Are the GPs retired? Any reason why they couldn't holiday in the UK (apart from desire to immerse your kids in his home culture)?

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 13/04/2014 23:29

Yes retired but there's no way they would come here! Why, they don't speak to the gc from one holiday to the next! And they don't speak English.

I'm thinking.

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 14/04/2014 00:31

No, no, no. You KNOW you won't get them back. Please, don't do this.

TheCatThatSmiled · 14/04/2014 00:33

Until things are settled you must keep them in the UK. Also contact port authorities, put a watch on their passports. This is too close to you telling him you want a divorce, this is why he is being reasonable.
God, he is a bastard!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2014 08:18

Like everyone else I am trying not to be sceptical. Without pushing any hysteria button I am thinking along the lines of what he would call tit for tat, (except you were careful to get his agreement to return to the UK and arranged house and school with his knowledge).

He is their dad so you have to consider this trip. Definitely time for legal consultation again?

imagine if you were considering H's request you'd need to know his parents' address, specifics about travel ie the departure and return dates and flight details along with relevant contact telephone numbers.And do you have any recent-ish photos of H and of the DCs? Thinking as I type sorry.

As you and DCs were until recently living abroad in ME where H is still based I would be anxious about abduction so would definitely speak to someone who knows all about this.

Be more grateful, Hmm get the feeling he will sing that song for a long time to come.

Granville72 · 14/04/2014 12:05

Do not let them out of the country with him, hell I wouldn't even let them out of the house with him.

I seriously do not think you will get them back. Have you their passports somewhere safe?

Speak with your solicitor and get a residency order or something that prevents him taking them.

Meerka · 14/04/2014 13:18

absolutely don't let them go with him.

He's volatile and deeply unreliable in his attitude plus he thinks you are absolutely in the wrong for going for a divorce. Suspect that he'll think he's justified in taking and keeping them.

This is a really high risk situation, Lavender. Please don't let them go with him, and what granville says, please speak to your solicitor and consider legal steps.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 14/04/2014 17:54

The solicitor would prefer he stays in the UK with the dc, but they love summer with their family in Europe, even if they don't speak the language.

How do I say " no, you're a risk?" I don't think he is. I have offered to take the dc there and collect them. He won't have their passports. He doesn't like this idea. He's never even flown alone with them.

I think he is trying to keep me away from the inlaws tbh. In case I tell them what he's done.

I am trying not to be unreasonable as I see them all the time. Or he plans to stay with me. I don't think I could stand that:(

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 14/04/2014 20:25

You say that at the moment, until things are more settled, and considering he's never spent much time or even flown with them either they stay in the uk or you fly over and drop them off/puck them up (which is a more than reasonable offer)

And repeat, calmly, as necessary.

If his aim is really from them to see his parents there is no resonant objection to this.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 15/04/2014 07:56

He wants to stay with me if he stays. I don't think I could stand it tbh.

There isn't a spare room and I don't want him hanging round me wanting to get back together. And doing it in front of the dc " i love mummy!" And all that shit designed to make me feel guilty when I feel so lonely and vulnerable.

And then getting angry when I won't. He can't afford to stay elsewhere with the dc so I don't have choices really. Not good ones.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2014 08:03

I don't know where you are living but I'd be surprised if there is no pub offering rooms or B&B guesthouse nor travel lodge type place within 10 minutes of your place. They won't be 5 star but they're fine for a couple of nights.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 15/04/2014 08:07

He has a month off. Its normal for him every year. He wants to come here.

I do feel very over whelmed

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2014 08:59

A month? Uh oh.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2014 08:59

Sorry lavender that wasn't helpful.

TweedleDi · 15/04/2014 10:03

Just say NO. "It isn't appropriate in the circumstances."

Granville72 · 15/04/2014 10:23

Please heed the advice of your solicitor = DO NOT let them out of the country with him.

You say he doesn't want you taking the kids over to their Grandparents and picking them up? To me that screams massive alarm bells of what his intentions may be.

You have made more than a reasonable offer there. Even your solicitor doesn't think them going out of the country alone with him is a good idea.

If he doesn't like it then tough. Tell him to mediate through your Solicitor in future and he stays elsewhere when visiting the children.

Stop trying to appease him and him manipulating everything to suit him and his situation. Be strong and say no.

fluffyanimal · 15/04/2014 10:34

Sorry he is causing you all this headache Lavender Flowers

You don't need to solve his problems any more. He can't afford to stay anywhere else? Not your problem. He has nowhere to stay in the UK? Not your problem. You are happy for him to see the DC on your terms but how he facilitates that is not your problem. You really do have to become like a broken record on this, just as you would with a tantrumming toddler: repeat your terms calmly, firmly, and then ignore (i.e. don't answer his calls etc) until he is ready to do things your way. Any rages or bluster - meet with one of two responses: restating your terms, or "contact my solicitor".

You can do this Flowers

DollyTwat · 15/04/2014 12:28

Hey Lavender, maybe if you start to change your mindset to actually being divorced. You're not going to let him stay with you in say 5 years time are you?

So, start as you mean to go in. It's harder in the long run if you don't. So he will have to find somewhere to stay, or bit come over.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2014 12:38

You can't monitor what he says to the DCs when you're out of earshot. But as the other MNers have said, you can put paid to any notion of playing happy families or giving him false hope by remaining firm.

Getting to know the area, met all the neighbours yet? You are putting roots down. He is a difficult personality but not some all-powerful force of Nature. He may talk of his rights but you have not gone into hiding, you have never discouraged him from being in contact with the DCs, you no longer wish to be part of his life. And you never were a possession.

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