Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Cjel, so much has changed for me and the dc these last few months. I have no intention and would probably lose the 2 friends I have left if I went back!

I'm not wasting all that time and emotion and thinking

The attached made me laugh:)

Lavender if I could "like" your last post (a la Facebook) then I would, also DustBunny's quotation which is wonderful. I have a philosophy that any change in life has both costs and benefits. Sometimes people don't understand when what seems to be a 100% win situation is making us nervous or unsettled. It's because nothing in my view is ever 100% win. But whilst you should always focus on the gains, if they outweigh the losses, that doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge the losses and permit yourself to feel them.

I guess this is a slightly waffly way of saying it's OK for it to throw up all kinds of uncertain emotions in you, even though you know the marriage is over and there's no going back. Be kind to yourself

:) fluffy

Dh is consistently ignoring me and continually emailing me as though everything is fine, so I've had to reply and be very very clear and blunt. He will be in no doubt at all. I don't see why he was before, denial i suppose.

I have no idea what he will do now. Either ignore me and carry on as he has, be incredibly angry and behave appallingly, or accept it and be amicable.

HaHa lavender, thats true sometimes I do wish I had a club and a spade(But only in my head obviously)

Had any reply to your latest email?x

Stick to 'talk to my solicitor'. Don't let yourself be drawn into conversations. He isn't in denial, he's in a process of browbeating and guilt-tripping you into submission. He believes that persistence will wear you down. So don't engage.

'Talk to my solicitor'

Loved that cards quote!

H didn't seem to understand or appreciate the worth of his family. He got lazy about showing you tenderness or consideration.

Emotionally imo you are already separated. Disengage.

Next he may use the DCs as a form of blackmail. He will tell you that you are breaking their hearts.

Ultimately you would be making a sacrifice of yourself and dying inside. Furthermore, the older your DCs get, the more likely you would be to confide in them your disillusionment with H. You'd run a risk of making the family pay for sacrificing yourself with passive-aggressive demands for validation.

So don't read his emails, ignore the dismissive comments or planning. It will be very much up to him to decide the extent to which he wants to be involved in his DCs' lives.

It wasn't a sudden thing, it was over time so insidious. And he became more open in his contempt for me.

He is very bitter and is telling me I am selfish, blaming my divorced friends (!) and saying I am wrecking the dc lives with my selfishness, he can't understand why I suddenly feel like this(!) and he was expecting me to be sweet with him. Christ I feel sick at the thought:(

Its clear from his mails that he doesn't love me, and is heartbroken. Its all anger at me getting away. He thinks I'm having a great time. Well, its been shit, managing alone in a new area, and sorting schools, house, car, dc, a job, and no bloody friends. I cry a lot, am so thin its embarrassing, can't sleep, wake early and go downstairs to sob for a bit every single day, needy and unattractive, and the exhaustion from pretending everything is ok is appalling.

I've driven one friend off recently with my misery and neediness so just one to go then:(((

My life's a total fuck up at the moment. And I've got this twat telling me how shit I am.

And you've got all of MN telling you how bloody awesome you are. Seriously Lavender you are doing all the right things.

It might be time to not respond to his emails - or just draft one sentence that you keep sending. Let him Skype the DC but don't talk to him yourself and disconnect if he starts on you.

I have quite a strong faith. A quote that helps me is "I know God won't ask me to do anything I can't handle but sometimes I wish He wouldn't trust me so much"! You CAN do this and are doing this brilliantly.

oh lavender you are in an awful position and you're still paying him too much attention. What he thinks is utterly irrelevant.

MN is there for you and you are so strong, even if you don't feel it.

Have a glass of wine tonight and curl up with a good book or DVD. And have a bath, if you can. Kiss the kids.

Lurked here! The reason you feel thin and unattractive is because you've been ploughing 100% into your new life for your kids. You sound pretty awesome to me :)

Lurker, even.

Isn't there some saying about the darkest hours being juat before dawn? Honestly, you've d

...done the hardest bit. Grit your teeth for the final push. It WILL get easier, you CAN get through this, you ARE doing the right thing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other for now & keep bashing on. You are doing so well, try to remember how far you've come.

Lavender, You are amazing and awesome, I hope that as you settle to your new life you give yourself the time to grieve your marriage (and other things) Its shit when we don't get the life we wanted and need to recognise the sadness we feel even though it is what we have chosen!!!!
It is just sadness and it is normal and it happens to the most fantastic of us

You will feel so much better soon. I would redirect his emails into their own folder and not read them anymore.

He isn't going to me amicable just let your solicitor deal with it. The emails he is sending are emotionally abusive as well as bullying, ignore, ignore, ignore.

Big hugs

You've all been so kind:) Its also quite sad for me my rl friends aren't as supportive as total anonymous strangers on mn, so actually I don't think I'm that nice, tbh:(

I seem to have blocked out my marriage years. Its really odd, I can't remember things, and the day to day stuff is in fits and starts then goes blank. Is this normal?

And suddenly I've got some kind of eczema or raised spots on my palms of my hands, its come on within the last hour and its horrible. What is it? Has anyone had this? When will it go?

I feel as though I'm falling apart and I do miss my dm, although she wouldn't have approved of my leaving dh. Shit, if I'm like this now what will I be like in a weeks time?

He called today and I just ignored as I was doing bedtime. He left a really creepy message:(

Re your hands, is it possible the kids have brought hand, foot and mouth disease home with them from school? It sounds made up (and hideously Victorian), but it isn't. It also causes a rash on the palms if tour hands.

Keep the creepy message in case you need it for the divorce proceedings, but don't pay any attention to it or react. Silly bugger, eh? (Him, not you.)

Donkeys, I just looked it up and no, thank god. It was just on the palm of my hands and vaguely itchy, not red or anything. And bizarrely it has gone now.

I'm going to try to calm down a bit this week. I'm working as well, so I have to.

The solicitor didn't say anything about keeping his messages. I am as it seems prudent. She doesn't think it will come to court.

Think you are getting your donkeys + dust bunnies muddled lavender .

Agree with DustBunnyFarmer keep copies of contentious messages if possible.

How are things today Lavender? And how are your hands?

I am getting mixed up! I'm sorry for that. I should know my donkeys from my dust bunnies:)

My palm has a tiny bit of peeling but the raised lumps have gone. Perhaps it was hives/ adrenaline, I don't know.

I haven't heard from dh at all myself and he hasn't called during the day for the dc either. I understand it will be awkward so I'm going to let him know to call and speak to the dc, I will never stop that if I can help it.

Hope that irritation/allergy thing with your hands didn't recur.

Have a good weekend lavender. Are your two starting Easter holidays soon? I hope they've settled nicely into their new school.

Lavendar - I caught your previous thread. I'm very glad you're back in the UK and things are going well in terms of school, job etc. Well done!

From what you write, he considered you as a possession that he could use when it was convenient - but you are apparent now malfunctioning as you're not doing what you're supposed to do and letting him get on with his philandering ways and ignoring your DCs and you except when it is convenient to him (eg sex). So it must be your fault (in his eyes).

Clearly he is rewriting history and ignoring how little he worked on the marriage and the fact that he had an affair and didn't actually try to ensure that his marriage stayed strong. The next thing you'll find out is that it will have been your fault that he had the affair...

I hope that you manage to cut the ties as soon as possible with as little fall out as possible.

My palm is still peeling a bit but not itchy. Is stress, apparently.

Dc are off which is good. I'm planning next week tonight!

Dh has now decided to get on with the divorce and is arranging and being incredibly reasonable etc. he couldn't be more amenable. Perhaps he has met another woman! This tells me I need to make sure I remember that he's not on my team.