Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.


I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

[cjel]

I haven't got a divorce, partly because the separtion/house sale stuff cost me loads and I figure he has OW if he wants divorce he can pay! He did offer to pay half but I declined.
Its a good idea to tel solicitor the date you parted as from legal separation date you aren't liable for any debts he builds up after that date.

[Meerka]

does he really care about the kids, i mean really genuinely care? or are they possessions / trophies to him? Genuine question btw. he just doenst sound like he's taken much interest in them til now.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

I agree with Meerka. It sounds a lot like the regularity of the Skype contact with them facilitates browbeating of you. The lack of interest in how they are settling at school is fairly telling, although a charitable person might suggest that's because he thinks it is temporary. If it was me, I'd still be interested in their welfare.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Its strange, he doesn't ask anything about their education and progress. Or if they like their teacher, what's her name etc.

I find that staggering. Their own DF, not asking anything as basic as that?

[lavenderhoney]

Donkeys, he's always seen that as my job. He does care about the dc, but he misses doing fun things with them, I think. And knowing they are around. He was never too interested to hear about their day or funny things they say and do, tbh. Work and no time meant he just wasn't there.

Cjel, the separation date is out there:) and it costs so much money to get divorced! I had no idea.

He has gone ominously quiet. The weekend will be tough I think. Plus I dread the ping that says I have an email:( I'm a bag of nerves.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

Could you set his emails to go in your junk folder (assuming you don't have auto deletes set up) so you only have to look at them when you are feeling strong?

[lavenderhoney]

He is refusing to face it. Its driving me mad. He is trying to make plans and I can't be any clearer.

I don't know what to do now.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

You do really. File for divorce - it is unequivocal action, which may be your only option if words are not working.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It's possible rather than just brooding over your recent conversations he might be getting legal advice. But a stubborn man-child who is used to getting his own way by bullying is pretty likely to campaign a while longer.

In a way if he drags things out still refusing to accept what you are telling him, it might strengthen your position having moved back here only last December.

[lavenderhoney]

The dc won't notice tbh. He didn't get involved in the ME so they miss him for nothing except shopping trips. They aren't used to him bathing them or doing school runs or anything like that. I have no idea what its like to have a dh like that.

I'm going to have to be very blunt indeed:( why is he doing this to himself? And its all about him and how much happier he will be. Nothing about how he would change etc. which I was expecting tbh. He clearly thinks he has done no wrong and plans to bulldoze me.

[cjel]

I'd hate to think this, but he could be trying to buy time to hide money?

[lavenderhoney]

Cjel, no, I know about all the money. Its not that. Its an ego thing, I'm sure of it.

[cjel]

thats good - in a strange way. I kept getting told not to trust mine but I knew where every penny was so I had no worries about that either. I think you are right about ego, Its not a good thing for a 'successful' man to admit hes failed at anything and that he isn't as desirable as he thinks.Mind you mine spent nearly all our marriage telling his friends that I was sick or didn't want to join in, when the truth was he didn't tell me I was included in invitations half the time. However crap I'm feeling I still feel better than I did when I was with him. Its such early days for you appreciate what you have done and are doing and not all the things you think you're failing at.
My counsellor is always reminding me of my successes when I start to think I'm useless and not moving to the 'better' life that I want.

[fluffyanimal]

Lavender are you concerned about being very blunt because you are afraid of how he will react or because you are afraid of hurting him? Or is it simply that it's not your style to tell someone very plainly how you are feeling? I don't know if this helps but maybe it's pointless trying to give him reasons why so as to make him accept it's over. Whether or not he understands why has no impact on the final outcome - that you are divorcing him. Maybe that can help you step back from agonising over how you get the message through to him?

[lavenderhoney]

Fluffy, I've said I don't want to live together again. And he gets annoyed and says " you've deceided?!" Then he wants to know why and I tell him, and he says its all in my head and in the past. Then I say, its pointless going over this, I just don't want to do it again and he won't be living with me and the dc.

He disregards this and acts as though its not happening. Its very stressful and awkward. He has also accused me of having an affair since I arrived in the UK and that's why I want to finish the marriage. As though it was all perfect before:( he has re written our marriage and is playing victim.

[Meerka]

in the days when my husband and I weren't getting on and he said 'its all in the past and you're hanging onto it pointlessly" (grrr) in the end I said "not to me it's not, and therefore it's still in the marriage. In your opinion it's in the past. But not in mine".

If he's accusing you of having an affair a rather controversial thing to say would be "no I havent. I d simply don't want to be with you any more" Although Im not sure it's constructive to say that since it might make him worse, direct rejection. Probably not a good idea, thinking about it.

But you are not going to get -anywhere- talking to him, lavender. He is not listening to you! Talking is pointless. I don't think he's ever going to accept your decision and therefore you need to move from useless words to useful action.

[RandomMess]

He is never going to back down, the only way forward is to serve divorce papers.

[lavenderhoney]

He is still acting as if everything is ok. This is more stressful than conflict.
I'm going to have to be very clear on email its over. I'm waiting til tomorrow to talk to my solicitor to move faster.

I don't want to fight. I think he does. The thing is, there is no battle. The end is decided.

[RandomMess]

Sounds like a wise decision. I think in his mind there is everything to fight for - he doesn't want to lose the appearance of what he has had IYSWIM. He liked his life of wife, kids, home and the freedom to live the single life too - I don't think he banked on you not wanting to play ball!

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

You're still very emotionally attached to him aren't you? You seem very worried about his reactions, his emails, what he's thinking, what he'll do. I think you need to try and focus on your life and your future and let the solicitor deal with him. If he emails you just forward it to your solicitor. Don't read it. Then you don't have to know what he's thinking. Don't answer the phone to him. Let him speak to the dc's if he really wants to but just completely disengage yourself. You can't be upset by a shitty email if it's no longer your concern. Just let the solicitor deal with it. That's what they're paid for. They'll cut through all the bullshit and tell him how it's going to be. You don't even have to speak to him. I have a friend with a volatile xh and they communicate like this. They can't speak to each other directly because it always ends in a row. He even stands outside her house when he comes and picks their dc's up. He's not allowed in by court order. Absolutely everything goes through the solicitor and she is free of the stress.

[lavenderhoney]

Randomness, I think you are absolutely right.

I feel as though I am on sinking ship and I have to jump to survive. Trouble is, I just want to hide below deck, iyswim.

I don't want to go back, but I'm not clear in my head what I'm nervous about by getting on with it ( which I will do) change I guess. I don't see how I can be more unhappy alone than I was when I with him.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

Something in your last post prompted me to dig out this Rumi quotation:

'Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?'

Change is always unsettling, but also ripe with possibility.

[lavenderhoney]

Oh, I like that!

Someone on here, cognito I think, gave me one about having the courage to change what I could etc.

Its going to be ok.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

That's the spirit, Lavender!

[cjel]

I like that, I've never heard it before. Its a wobbly time Lavander, but if you don't make the changes nothing will change and thats even more scary