Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

I can't up sticks and push off as I will look obstructive as he wants to go to court. So I have to stay here and manage it.

I run a lot, so get out loads doing that. My doctor is lovely, and I understand why he won't give me anything. He's quite right really.

lavender .. you need something to support you lovey. Wish I could send you a voucher for a spa day + childcare!

Just keep posting here when you need to, for all people have been a bit blunt sometimes it's because they're on your side.

Unfortunately my stbexdh is one of the most difficult and unreasonable and obstructive people they has yet to come across.

You really shouldn't be concerned about appearing obstructive yourself - you so far from obstructive it is unbelievable!

Did your Doctor offer you counselling..?

I will look obstructive as he wants to go to court

Rubbish, absolute rubbish. You are divorcing him, if he wants to go to court because he doesn't like the grounds on which you are filing under then that is his problem, not yours.

If you book to take the kids away at Christmas then that is your choice NOT HIS and nothing to do with being obstructive. He does not need to know where you are going, you do not need his permission, as far as he is concerned you could be visiting friends for Christmas.

Why you keep bending over to entertain and pacify this twat is beyond me. Probably a lot more going on than you are saying. You are divorcing him, you need to detach from him physically & emotionally.

He's still saying jump and you're saying how high. Why is that? Why do you let him call the shots still? You've separated and divorcing, he has no say in where, when or what you do, you have no obligation to house him if / when he visits. None at all.

Sorry if these are harsh words, but you are being given some very good advice from posters here that have been through it. Don't ignore the advice, you are and will not be doing yourself or your children any favours.

Hey lavender hope you're feeling better today

You know I don't think the courts wil view anything you do with regards the children in quite the same way because your stbxh is living where he does. It's well known what happens to divorced women and their children, so I think you will only be viewed as someone who is protecting them and yourself

You can prove how interested he was and is interested in the kids that he keeps asking for the passports and that he wants his family who you never see, to have them

It's all very transparent that he would take hem out of the country as soon as he could. To spite you, rather than any great fatherly love

Sometimes you just have to do the right thing for you, and if that means getting out of his way over Xmas, then you must do it

Meerka thanks, that's so kind of you to have that thought! And whoever nominated me for the musmnet santa- I think it must be someone on this thread- thank you. It was a lovely surprise to get the email.

I haven't heard from him for ages now since he said he refused to sign the papers nearly 3 weeks ago. He talked to the dc at the weekend after 2.5 weeks since the last time. I was in and out and missed him telling them he was taking them away for the summer, because they keep asking me if its true. I have no idea how I missed this as I was listening, and they wouldn't have got it from anywhere else. I told the upset dc not to worry.

I am thinking what to do- I don't have the money to go away. So I might say I'll drop them where he is staying for lunch and pick them up later, on Christmas Day. He is going to expect to hang at mine and I have to make sure he knows this won't happen. Any other solutions? He says I can buy their Christmas presents from him as he will give me some money to do so. He wants to get them pets.

I have been offered counselling and after a false start -the first one seemed disappointed I had no sexual problems (!) and had no free spaces after all, the second one said her time was better spent with someone more organised ( she only had appointments when I was at work or doing pick up) - I am going to see someone else. Third time lucky:)

I am worried about court as he says that when the judge hears what a bitch I am for leaving him, he will get the kids. I know this is rubbish but who knows?

Don't get pets! That's just another way to control your time

You know what he's been like, you have emails to prove it. I think you need to have some specific reasons why you're divorcing him written down (you've probably already done this) and reassure yourself that you are not the bitch he's saying you are

Take charge here
Tell him what access suits YOU and the dc at Xmas. Ignore his promises to the dc, you don't have to honour this. Tell them that you and him have to discus anything he says first

You're doing well - keep on and don't be scared of what he says. He's making it up as he goes along as he's used to you giving in

Keep on going lavender - you're nearly there

Hey Lavender. Divorce is a legal process to end a marriage. That's all it is. The judge isn't interested in why you want a divorce. He/she does not really care who wants the divorce, why you want the divorce or anything other than seeing that the legal process is dealt with fairly in terms of marital assets. That's all. Their job is not to apportion blame; they don't even deal with the children as that is a job for cafcass.

It really isn't as scary as you think at present - do you remember all the paperwork and arrangements that had to be dealt with to get married? Well, this is the same but in reverse!

Oh, and don't agree to buying presents for the children on his behalf - it's another way of controlling you. His presents - his responsibility.

I agree about the pets and the presents. The pets are all about him swooping in and being a Disney Dad - he gets to be the good guy whilst you get landed with the daily grind, so that's a "no thanks" unless you actually want a pet. The presents? Well, if he wants a relationship with his kids, he's actually going to have to pull his finger out and start making some effort. Taking the trouble to find out what they like and need/want helps to sustain that relationship, so its important you don't let him outsource this responsibility.

Don't get pets!!

FFS this man really does not give a shit about the mother of his children does he? the last thing you need is more running around and caring!

I am worried about court as he says that when the judge hears what a bitch I am for leaving him, he will get the kids. I know this is rubbish but who knows?

Yes, it's rubbish.

Speak to your solicitor if you find it impossible to really have faith in that. She'll tell you :) (though I can appreciate it will be nerveracking).

By the way, record that the children were upset about the idea of him taking them away for the summer. Tell yoru solicitor that. This twat man is jerking them around bigstyle.

lavender Im sorry but if he doesn't get in touch with your children by skype, given he's "difficult and unreasonable and obstructive " it may not be that bad a thing you know.

And yes, I really think there's a risk he might take them abroad. You might not want to think of this, but he's too volatile to trust at all. If he did, once the grandparents get their hands on them they could be very, very reluctant to let them go back to you ... and lets face it, look at the job they did bringing up their own son.

The court will not think you are a bitch, that is not their job and they will be unbiased.

Have you kept all the emails etc he's sent to you being insulting and abusive? Ensure your solicitor has copies as this strengthens your case as to why you have filed for divorce.

Do you have any friends or family you could invite for Christmas? I personally wouldn't give him an excuse as to why he can't stay, but this could be a get out clause for you?

And lovely to hear you got nominated for Secret Santa. That was very thoughtful of someone to nominate you

do not get pets. It will make life hard for you and may prevent you finding new accomodation later if needed.
do not buy his gifts for him - he can probably get them cheaper anyway, or he can give vouchers - its just another chance to to blame you for the wrong thing, or to pass his responsibilities onto you.
The court will not see you going away as you being obstructive - you are divorcing and he is abusive, you have told him that he cannot stay with you or come in your home and he is ignoring that, so you are simply taking measures to protect yourself and your children from potential harm and abuse - thats not obstructive, thats sensible.

I would also put stuff in place to prevent him taking the children abroad at all - you have said previously that they used to sideline you, and the parents may refuse to return them. And they could then try to get new passports from that country. Yes, if its Europe, theoretically you could apply to get them back, but its not always so simple and sometimes they have to find them first. Once he has their passports to travel there, he has nothing to stop him taking them to the ME, and then you dont have a bloody hope in hell.
He will use whatever weapons are in his armoury to punish you for leaving him, and the children are one of those weapons which can hurt you the most.

It's worth bearing in mind that the courts hear people accusing each other of stuff all the time. They're not interested in it

When it comes to the children, it's their right to see their dad and if that's in their interests

Don't worry, there will be no pets! Ds will get a rabbit in the spring but we are way too busy to mess about with dogs and cats. And yes, he is fucking clueless. And I hate the way he thinks he can swoop in and enjoy the holiday season with the dc, all arranged by me - he will just tag along because he is too busy to look anything up and plan his time.

It pisses me off he wants them for the summer. They have a life here. And I want some holiday time with them- after all, I do the day to day stuff - I want holiday with them too.

My lawyer says just document everything. I get that they have a right to see him, but he isn't interested in their lives - they will be like trophy kids:( It would be great if he gave a shit. He actually thinks he is a great dad. He really does. I can't make him be interested. He couldn't tell you the names of the friends, what they do at school, their interests and hobbies, anything about them tbh- so no change there, really.

I am concerned about his love bombing them when he comes and then zero contact for weeks after. It's awful dealing with them and the comedown. Like a bf who showers you with love then inexplicably fucks off.

Have you sat them down an explained that Mummy & Daddy are getting divorced and he can't stay in the house?

You need to be honest & truthful with them and with what is happening and going to happen in the future. Do not hide it from them.

I told the dc months and months ago- back when I told him.

Hi lavenderhoney - I've been reading your thread and first off want to wish you every success with the divorce proceedings. I also wanted to make a suggestion to you in relation to next summer as you're very concerned that he wants them for the entire summer. Is there any way that you could book your kids in now to take part in a summer camp so that their time is already taken care of? Something that they are interested in (arts/crafts/sports/anything really) that they would enjoy doing that would mean your ex couldn't take them for the summer. He would have to find accommodation to stay locally to you and then get involved (if he really really wanted to) in their lives and their pursuits???

Again, best of luck with everything - you really deserve some good luck to go your way.

Hi Lavender

Hope you had a good weekend. Just wondering if you need to explain again to your DC what divorce means - given the hoops you've had to jump through to get this far, it wouldn't be surprising if their understand of it is confused.

Good luck

Yes I thought the same also. They may not fully understand what divorce is or may have forgotten what you told them. There are lots of advice and leaflets out there that can help explain it to them in terms they may absorb easier.

Maybe have a look here for some ideas
www.divorceaid.co.uk/child/adult-telling.htm

The dc are fine and not confused at all. They are not used to dh taking an interest in them or seeing him much even when we lived together so it's a non issue really. We chat about it as it comes up- like him staying elsewhere and it's their normal.

It's really awful at the min, and also im quite curious to know what the previous poster wrote that was deleted.

Spell caster. Been on quite a few threads already.

yeah spell caster, was hitting loads of threads with their tosh on Monday (think along the lines of Nigerians wanting your bank account kinda thing). I hit the report button.

So nothing aimed directly at you lovely.

Christ, I don't want him back Thanks Granville:)

All rubbish here, still and given up expecting him to send any money to pay for the dc. He appears to be labouring under the illusion that he will be spending Christmas with us only leaving when dc going to bed. Organised and payed for by me. I keep saying no but he steam rollers ahead, too busy to organise the dc time when he is here. He thinks he's going to tag along to everything.

Nothing is book able for summer yet..