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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 04/10/2014 21:31

Monday- the phones will be red hot.

He wanted to discuss this weekend and finalise finances but I said no. Too short notice - really just to regain control really and not be pushed about- and talk to lawyer Monday.

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Kaykat · 04/10/2014 21:33

I thought that my XH wouldn't acknowledge but after speaking to his solicitor he did it. Don't worry too much at this stage, wait a little while to see what he does.

He can't take the DCs abroad without a letter of agreement from you. If he removes the DC from you the police take it very seriously and will put out an all ports warning.

DustBunnyFarmer · 04/10/2014 22:09

I am not surprised you are shattered. You have wrestled with your decision to serve papers and he's been pretty relentless in harrying and niggling at you. The thing is, the worst is over. You can now start limiting your level of contact with him. Don't give it a second thought. He's trampled all over your boundaries and feelings. You don't owe him anything. And things will get better. Take care. X

FeckTheMagicDragon · 04/10/2014 22:25

Well done for not allowing him to push you about. And I'm so relieved that the visas have expired.

The less contact you have, the less chance he will have to confuse and distract you.

Be kind to yourself and gather as much support as you can.

Granville72 · 06/10/2014 10:30

Doesn't matter whether he acknowledges the divorce papers or not. A divorce can proceed without him, he doesn't need to acknowledge or say yes.

He can only contest the grounds on which you served, and even then it's very rare that a judge would rule in his favour. The divorce will just proceed without him if that is what he chooses.

Really well done though Lavendar. That's one massive hurdle out of the way that I know you were dreading.

lavenderhoney · 09/10/2014 08:02

I've posted on legal.

He has been busy liquidating assets and says any bought before marriage are nothing to do with me. He feigns ignorance of the law and says he won't accept a UK divorce. He wrote and told my lawyer.

He plans to live the single life and then have the dc all summer at his dm in europe so he can have fun with them. I can work and they won't miss me. The dc won't want to be stuck over there in the country with no english speakers, no friends, on a put up bed for a month. He laughs.

It seems just like our marriage, I do all the care, emotionally, and otherwise, he calls once every two weeks or so, then he has a lovely summer with his dm looking after the dc, without the need for words, and he takes them out with a picnic she has prepared etc. and when he gets home she takes over.

He says I can stop this by stopping the divorce. He misses me. I can hardly sleep for worry.

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Meerka · 09/10/2014 08:42

remember, lavender reality as he wants it is not reality as it is.

What does your lawyer say? This sounds like a catastrophic and plain simply unworkable plan of his to me, but then he's been catastrophically stupid and unworkable all along.

Please keep looking after yourself. please keep in mind as well that your husband has thoroughly fucked with your head. You won't feel it yet, but if you can keep that in mind at an intellectual level, over the months / years it will help.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 09/10/2014 09:22

My ex was the same. Was convinced his opinion was 'fact' and not just his 'opinion'.

Granville72 · 09/10/2014 11:38

Doesn't matter whether he 'accepts' a UK divorce or not. There is absolutely nothing he can do to stop it. He needs to shut up and put up.

It's a legal process to end a marriage, the means to an end. Once it's over and he still wants to think you're married then tough shit.

WellWhoKnew · 09/10/2014 13:44

Lavender, I'm also having an 'international' divorce here in the UK to a man who absolutely refuses to co-operate with the divorce he instigated! So I know how the complications that faces - specifically getting any money out of them.

However, if you want to live in the UK without this man, then let him do some very silly things, he won't be able to come back here ever again without being arrested. That is how scary the law can be. Also, freezing orders and injuctions can pretty much be applied world-wide. Unless he's aiming to spend the rest of his days in North Korea, most countries have reciprocal agreements with the UK.

For you, you're stuck in this hideous 'parallel universe' just like the rest of us getting divorced: it is terrifying.

Turns I married the 'master of the universe', apparently, but here on planet Earth, we merely have a legal system that can be a very, very effective way to help bring them down to earth. It just takes a long time for that to happen and it's stressful.

You want a life free of this man. You can have that.

It's a horrible, horrible process but it ends. You need to get it underway because the sooner you do, the sooner it ends. Ask your solicitor for a Timetabled Divorce so that you know exactly what you have to do and what he has to do. Otherwise this will just drift on and on.

And anything "he says" should be taken with a pinch of salt, mine has been saying he's doing x, y and z since May, that he's entitled to a, b and c. He is merrily disposing of assets because he can. Again, this is now under the court's attention too. It just takes time to get to the courthouse, but once you're in the system, it does not let go.

The rules are the same for me as they are for you, as well as these master of the universes.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/10/2014 17:54

Hope you are keeping well lavender, please do take care of yourself, know you are under a lot of strain.

lavenderhoney · 13/10/2014 18:19

Sorry for anyone else going through it.
I feel terribly unhappy with it all, and wonder if it's all worth it really, a divorce.

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WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 13/10/2014 18:56

Yes it is! Really it is.

It is so hard to envisage what life could be like when you are at this stage, that is why it took me so long to get out of my marriage.

I am now sat in my own home enjoying a glass of wine and watching what I want on t.v. with my two cats snuggled up with me on the sofa. I don't have to worry about anyone else and I am not being constantly criticised and found fault with. I make all the decisions about my life now. Don't give up. Flowers

Granville72 · 14/10/2014 11:24

Yes it is all worth it, never doubt that and your resolve. Divorce isn't easy and can be emotionally draining, but it is a means to an end and you will get there.

You're doing great. One piece of advice I can offer, well three actually
No.1 Do not converse with him
No.2 All contact from him via your solicitor only (he'll soon get bored)
No.3 Chin up, keep smiling and keep looking to the light at the end of that tunnel.

lavenderhoney · 17/10/2014 05:55

Dd is very poorly again, perhaps one of the worst I have seen her, and I haven't slept all night. We will be at the gp ASAP. It made me remember all over again how dreadful dh was staying out into the early hours, not answering his phone, ignoring texts when she was ill and we lived together.

He wants passport copies this time, but just of the children. I won't send them. He now says to ds he will be coming at Christmas. He hasn't actually told me of his plans.

He has stated what he wants re settlement and appears to think that's it. the lawyer has told me what to say and how to react.

I am complete overwhelmed tbh. Everything is either a huge fuck up somehow or the simplest thing turns out to be actually very tricky.

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Meerka · 17/10/2014 08:24

Oh lavender.

Not sure what to say to help, only that you are doing the right thing. At least your lawyer is guiding you now, you can lean on her.

I hope your daughter recovers quickly Flowers

You must be utterly exhausted and that makes everything ten times worse. It will get better, slowly.

You have actually come a long way, if you read back to when you started posting.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/10/2014 10:39

Poor DD, sorry she's not well.

I daresay H thought he didn't get a big enough rise out of you regarding future summer holidays, so thought he'd stir things up about Christmas. Worm.

lavenderhoney · 19/10/2014 22:34

Dd is just out of hospital. He called on skype, first time for ages and pissed me off by saying to ds that he planned to come and take the dc out for Christmas and spend it with him etc etc and wouldn't that be great etc etc. I said " hold on, you need to discuss this with me first" and he just ignored me and looked really angry. I'm just hover and listen.

He wasn't really interested in hearing about dd being so Ill and hasn't asked me for any details or anything. Didn't want to hear about the tooth fairy. Didn't want to hear about ds and his having to stay with friends. Ds doesn't want to talk to him as he doesn't listen and dd just asks for presents and he agrees to everything. Fuck.

I have no idea what to do about Christmas - I don't know when he's coming, I don't know what he will do, he says he will stay elsewhere and has asked the dc if he can come and spend the day with them. i need to book and plan things and im buggered if I'm going to start asking him his plans. He has never been around Christmas and never even knew what they were given til the presents were open.

My lawyer says it's important they have a relationship with him and he will want to see them christmas - ( bit of a change) but he can't just buzz in surely? Plus I'm convinced other people have been saying to him oh aren't you seeing dc at Christmas and he thinks he'll look bad.

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 20/10/2014 02:08

Detach, as much as you can. If he does plan on coming to the UK at Christmas then you plan for it. Closer to the time, Tell him he can (for example) take the DCs out after lunch on Christmas Day and drop them back later on. Or he can pick them up and have them for the full day on Boxing Day.

Or ... You can go visit friends or family for the Christmas holidays and he can travel to wherever you are to take them out for the day.

It does not have to be all on his terms, just because he says so. Stay strong, this will (slowly) get better.

Meerka · 20/10/2014 08:18

I'm glad to hear your daughter is out of hospital - must have been bad for her to be in hospital :( Hope she's feeling a lot better.

feck's idea is good, tell him when he can have them for short times. But, lavender, be careful. For some reason reading about your husband is unsettling (god knows what it was like actually living with him :s). He is such an unstable brat in an adult's body that you wonder what his next moves will be.

About your son not wanting to speak to him, I reckon make the time available and let your son decide for himself. But he has to tell his father what he wants or doesn't want. Alternatively, tell him he has to speak to his father until he's older and let him see for himeslf what his father is like.

I am sorry that he's so uninterested in your daughter being ill :(

lavenderhoney · 20/10/2014 09:26

Dh doesn't say when he will call and so its a bit erratic. I think dc are a bit little and ds today asked why he couldn't come and live with us.

He hasn't said anything to me about coming over so I think I'm being a bit pig headed in not emailing him to ask him his plans- gives him control I think.

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Granville72 · 20/10/2014 10:56

Just don't converse with him, all it's doing is eating you up inside and he's still pulling your strings.

Keep all contact via your solicitor, stop emailing him. Keep all arrangements including when he sees the children through your solicitor.

Let him Skype the children, set days & times (again via your solicitor) to when this is to happen. If he doesn't stick to it or misses a set day then tough, that's another tick in the poor father box. And keep a diary of when he does & doesn't Skype.

I'd make plans for Christmas, go to friends or family. There's no point in him taking them out Christmas Day as everywhere will be shut and they'll want to play with their presents.

So, stop contacting him.
Get days & times agreed as to Skyping the children
Keep all contact and arrangements via your Solicitor
Detach emotionally from him
Stop worrying about when / if he'll get in touch
Get on with yours & the kids lives.
And remember, all this is worth it.

DustBunnyFarmer · 20/10/2014 20:45

Granville has sound advice above & also sounds like she knows a lot more about divorce than I do. Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your daughter - it must have been a very worrying time. Hope she is on the mend now & that you get some rest/sleep so you are feeling less worn down by everything. It will come good, just keep going.

lavenderhoney · 21/10/2014 17:36

Feck, I don't have any family as such. my dm died this time last year. My df has passed away as well, a few years ago, at Christmas time.

I don't really have friends as yet who would invite me for Christmas as I've been abroad for so long. And besides, I want Christmas for the dc in our house with all our things.

He is asking to stay for a week over Christmas. He is contesting the divorce as he doesn't like the reasons and also I won't give him another chance Hmm

I can't really understand why he wants to be there for Christmas. He never has before and never got involved at all, in any way. He says he has a lot to teach ds ( he doesn't mention dd, just agrees to buy her whatever she wants)

He won't agree to calling at set times. He won't communicate with the lawyer. And I can't afford to go through her for dc calls etc.

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DollyTwat · 21/10/2014 17:41

Hope you're feeling better today lavender. You don't have to agree with what he wants. You can't have him over Christmas. You just can't

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