Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

I have already filed so whatever he does ( files and serves) it is under UK jurisdiction and I filed first. There is no time limit on serving. Although I expect the courts will want an explanation why its taken so long after a couple of months or more.

I'm just dithering and feeling very overwhelmed tbh.

I thought it was unbearable before and its going to get worse.

He refuses to agree even where we can get divorced, completely disregarding the law.

He blames me totally for the breakdown of our marriage, saying its for better or worse. He called his behaviour round my mothers funeral a wave and when he said sorry I should have forgiven him. She died a year ago soom and every time i think about it I remember how he treated me.

He said all he does and did was work hard and pay for everything, as though that's a get out clause for being out drinking and ignoring me and the dc.

He is also furious about the children and not being able to take them abroad to Europe to see his family. The same family who ignore all my requests from skype, forget birthdays, ( he forgot my dd birthday!) and whom he didn't bother to contact when he was here in the summer. He says his dm can help put them to bed and he can have them all summer away from me. He doesn't give a shit about their feelings:(

Lavender... stop listening to all the shit that spouts out of his mouth, ok? He doesn't get to decide where or whether you get divorced. He can blame what he likes, you know the truth (you were there!). He cannot take the DC abroad because, let's face it, you have no guarantee he would ever bring them back, so it just ain't happening. He says... he says... he says... Well he would, wouldn't he; but that doesn't make it true.

You need to tune out to his rants and behaviour. The longer you keep on dragging this out the more verbal abuse and guilt tripping he will send your way.

Stop the dithering and serve the papers. The sooner you cut the ties with this man the better for you and the children.

How long did you dither and find excuses to not leave? Did you realize you should have done it a long time ago and the dithering never got you anywhere? It's the same with the divorce, just get on with it.

He can contest the divorce all he likes (but he'll need a bloody good reason to contest the grounds on which you are filing). But, he cannot stop the divorce or dictate as to when, where or how it happens.

You do realize he's trying to dictate this as well don't you and take the upper hand?

Lavender he's miles away, in a different country, but he had you so head fucked he may as well be in the same room.

It's probably taken years of abuse, slowly ramping up over the years. But he truly believes he can control you like a puppet.

Well he can't!

You have done the hardest part, left and come back to a safer country (for mothers who want a divorce)
He does not have a choice about your divorce, the power for that is completely in your hands.
The same with taking the children out of the country.

I know you are afraid, probably feel paralysed just at the moment.
But take a deep breath, close your eyes, don't think about it - and just take that next step.

agreed he's really done a head-fuck on you. You're a strong, sensible and very likeable person (seen your posts elsewhere, always a great deal of sense) but somehow he's ground you down.

Well you're worth a hundred of him. Keep going, lavender.

It suits H to opine that marriage is meant for better for worse. But a dysfunctional one is like a death by 1 000 cuts.

Do you think if he falls for another woman he will observe his marital promises? What if you meet someone else? Imagine a new life tantalisingly ahead of you. Oh wait. Still legally tied. Shackled to ex and unable to move on?

So he stamps his foot and acts hurt and offended. Cry me a river, it's all fake. You can't sit and wait for PILs to pass away and hope like mad for him to play nice.

Anyway, your DCs need a happy mum. They aren't 10 yet. You've always been the primary carer. He of course won't accept that it's affecting them but it must be. Look at the unsettled behaviour and bedwetting after his ghastly visit.

Oh and by the way, where 'marriage is for better and worse' the rule is generally that you stick with that partner and don't shag around. He's failed there already hasn't he?

You knew he would be furious and he is. However that doesnt stop the process moving forwards.
If you dont want to be married you dont have to be. Simple as that. It may take a while to sort all the paperwork. He may stall and wriggle but that should only demonstrate how right your decision is. Just because he says X Y and Z it doesnt matter.
He is not omnipotent, and as time goes forward from this point you will actually begin to see how weak he actually is

lavenderhoney could you wait till you have been separated 2 years now you are in separate countries?

And what would that achieve? All it does is delay the inevitable and him thinking there would still be a chance and doing more of a head fuck on the OP than he is already doing.

OP has already filed, she just needs to serve. He can only contest on the grounds of what is in the divorce file - unreasonable behaviour / adultery etc. (depends on what grounds Lavender is filing) but it is seldom successful if / when someone does this.

He cannot stop the divorce proceeding, and she does not need his permission or agreement to file or serve the papers.

Lavender, please listen to everyone here.

You don't want to be married to him.
Your DCs are uncomfortable when he is around.
You deserve better.

His opinion is just that, an opinion. It was supposed to be a marriage, not a dictatorship and you quite rightly want out. What you want overrules him!

Serve ASAP, divorce, and keep your DCs and your sanity.

I'm sorry but i don't see the point in waiting 2 years either, the only reason to do that would be to hope he meets someone else and when the two years is up is happy to divorce. That seems a high risk of having exactly the same problems in two years re divorce, infact probably more problems as he may have a child etc, who knows? I doubt he has remained celibate for the last year.

He will probably contest it anyway. The only leverage I might have is naming the ow- neither of them will want that.

It has been helpful reading everyone's replies. He hasn't been abusive just very careless with the marriage and feels he needs a second chance now he realises what he has lost. However, I don't want to. The thought of any intimacy with him makes me feel sick so I guess there's no point. Plus he would always blame me and how hard he works and how I have caused him all this stress. He says he is depressed.

I won't marry or date again anyway. I've thought about it and really, the risk of misery is too high.

Give it time. Get the divorce over and out of the way and enjoy being a Mummy, a family and you again without the stress of being married or having this hanging over your head.

I was the same after my 16yr married ended (he was seeing someone else as well and abusive). I had no interest in dating, relationships or any of that, but a few years down the line I quite unexpectedly met someone, I wasn't even looking for a relationship. Five years later and we have a gorgeous little son.

My best advise is to call your Solicitor tomorrow morning and serve the papers.

I don't have anything to add to the excellent and advice upthread, Lavender, but I just wanted to let you know that I still keep an eye out for your thread and will continue to be here if you need a place to let off steam. You sound like you are 97% of the way there & just need a nudge for the final push, so all I will say is that "you can do it" and doing so will be the beginning of the next stage of your life, wherever that takes you. Bon voyage!

You don't need to meet or marry anyone again. If you're happier on your own, then good, that's what you like.

When someone upthread said 'he's done a headfuck on you' it was like a bit of a lightbulb going off for me, never mind you. It's exactly what he's done.

I've served but he refuses to acknowledge.

He says the ow he was with at the party round my dm funeral meant nothing to him. He finds it amusing i thought so. He fails to see, and still maintains he was the perfect husband - and I think I'm going mad- that its actually worse- he left me alone to be with someone at a party he didn't really care about.

Thank goodness my residence visa ran out end of the month. I think he had another reason for wanting the passports:(

Its all really shit, frankly.

But you served! Well done you!
What is the legal implications of him not acknowledging?
And why did he want the passports - I thin we all knew it wasn't for the visas.

Ok, looked up that bit about refusing to aknowledge to court. So he's delaying, hoping to make you give up. Have you spoken to your solicitor? Does he talk about the papers in any text or email?

You may not think he is abusive, but I do. He thinks it 'funny' that the wife he is supposed to love is so unhappy that she wants a divorce? Wanker.

He's totally dismissive towards your feeling, wants and needs. He makes you feel like you are going mad.

You deserve a happy life, you are not going mad. He's an awful, arrogant, nasty excuse for a human being.

Well done for biting the bullet and serving the papers, Lavender! That's such an important step. As the others have said, check about next steps with your solicitor if he won't play ball, but well done!!

On the refusing to acknowledge - can I suggest you post under legal? Some lovely legal Mumsnetters on there, who can probably give some useful information.

This is just another hurdle to get over. I know you're tired, but keep talking to us and just take one day at a time. You are doing well, even if it doesn't feel like it. You really are.

even if he was the perfect husband, if you dont love him then you dont have to be married to him.
Even if you still loved him but were fed up, you dont have to be married to him.
If you dont want to be married, you dont have to be. You really dont need to have any reason beyond that.
And if he were a man rather than an abuser, he would care about that, and respect you enough to agree to call it a day, because he wouldnt want to be married to someone who needed to be forced to stay, or who didnt love him.

lavender he's done such a headfuck on you that you are afraid of him, his reactions and doubt yourself thinking you're going mad. You could have given him those passports, couldn't you. He's cheated on you, deceived you in many ways, lied to you, guilted you, played games with your children - all sorts.

I think you're right about the passports btw. God knows what he planned.

One day you'll see how bad he's been. Your revulsion at the thought of him and physical intimacy is there for a reason; he's created it within you. He, who should have been a good husband, has created a physical revulsion in the woman he married. And it's not your doing, you're a lovely woman.

All you posters are so kind

I think he probably wanted to extend the residency visas. Then, of course, I could have been deemed to have my residency in the ME, and in a whole world of trouble wrt to legal issues. As some women have found who stay in the ME and find themselves, even as Europeans, divorcing under sharia law. This is catastrophic. As it is, they expired a while ago now.

I'm really tired.

Yeah. this must be exhausting.

I hope you can manage to find something for yourself to do each weekend, even if it's just a bath and a good book.

Btw, let your solicitor know about the visa/divorce/sharia thing. He might well have other nasty tricks up his sleeve.