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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
Meerka · 02/09/2014 19:20

no. dont. really.

you need to communicate -only- over the divorce and the children.

with respect, you need to consider yourself on your own now. what he does is not your business except regarding the divorce and the kids. what you do is not his business either, divorce n kids excepted.

DustBunnyFarmer · 02/09/2014 19:24

I can see how it would grate though, Meerka, if he's going to be an arse about paying maintenance and he can piss away money on a sports car.

Meerka · 02/09/2014 19:46

Oh god yes. You'd be wanting to put thistles in his socks and maggots in his cereal packet (or maybe lavender wouldn't, she's nicer than me). But better just to stand back. Unfortunately.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 02/09/2014 20:53

If I'm honest, I don't care what he does with his cash or anything as long as he supports the dc. The difference is I don't have to live with him and watch him do it.

I have no wish to put thistles in his socks (!) but I don't think it makes me nicer:)

OP posts:
TwinkleDust · 03/09/2014 08:44

Well done! Onwards and upwards now. Flowers

Granville72 · 03/09/2014 09:52

Well done, the start of the end now.

Don't let on about the car, keep that as an ace up your sleeve if/when it's needed over maintenance for the children and he starts being an arse. Do not converse with him at all if you can help it, only if it's to do with the children or the divorce. If he starts being a tosser then ensure he only communicates through your solicitor. Let them deal with him and he'll soon stop the abuse when he knows he can't get at you directly.

You're doing brilliantly

Meerka · 03/09/2014 10:43

yes, you are doing brilliantly lavender. Flowers

fluffyanimal · 03/09/2014 17:06

FlowersCakeWineSmile at the divorce filing news!

OvertiredandConfused · 03/09/2014 20:11

Yay! Well done Lavender. Have been watching out for this news!

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 05/09/2014 21:48

I haven't heard back from the solicitor that its official, and then serve. She wants to make sure we do this in controlled way to minimise his anger.
He's going to be furious. I think he wants to stay married in name only.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 05/09/2014 23:21

Sounds like you need a less timid solicitor. He's going to be angry whenever you serve it. Why does she keep dawdling like this?

Granville72 · 09/09/2014 13:41

Racking up the fees of course.

I would have fired them a long time ago. Not only are they giving un-sound advice, but not carrying out orders either.

Remember Lavender, they work FOR YOU, not you for them. YOU ARE PAYING THEIR WAGES.

Granville72 · 15/09/2014 11:00

How are you doing Lavender?

May I ask a couple of questions as I've noticed you pop up on a couple of other threads elsewhere -

The house you've just moved to, is it rented or have you bought it? Seems you're going to quite a lot of expense and outlay on a house if it is rented. A landlord should be doing it if it's a rental, you shouldn't be paying for the house to be basically gutted and re-fitted out.

If you've bought it, please don't say you did so with ExH, as you've said his name is on the paperwork.

Who is funding the new car purchase? Please say it's from YOUR savings and the exH isn't funding this as well.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 16/09/2014 18:00

Hi Granville, the car is mine! And the house is a joint purchase but tied up legally so not an option for him to live in or call his own ( deeds).

I have filed so now I have to serve and my solicitor has suggested I warn him its going to happen so its not a surprise for him( he won't accept that we divorce and is continuing with the messages)
I don't know what to do and I am worried he will come over and make a big fuss, also I'm very nervous of the next bit, ie all the details and how awful its going to be.

Very nervous he will next year expect to take the dc to Europe alone for a few weeks to see the gps who haven't been in touch despite my trying for over a year now. We did fall out long distance due to mil interfering rather dramatically and dh taking her side ( as ever) but this paled due to my mothers death. Its nearly a year now:(

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 16/09/2014 19:00

Hi Lavender, so pleased you've updated. And a short warning JUST before he gets served May or May not help. It's going to happen anyway, he's just refusing to believe it. As for going away with the DC, a firm no. That is it, just no. Especially while the divorce is going through. Do not compromise on this, or discuss. Good luck x

Kaykat · 16/09/2014 19:58

Well done Lavender that's good news. Personally I wouldn't warn him because he's going to be nasty whether its a surprise or not.

If he comes over and makes a fuss just keep saying that you are simply following legal advice and you won't discuss it. Call the police if necessary.

It doesn't matter if he expects to take the DC abroad. Hide the passports and never give them to him. He can't take them abroad without your permission.

Stay strong lovely and remember you've taken the first step and now there's an end in sight. He will very soon find out that he can't dictate to you any more.

DustBunnyFarmer · 16/09/2014 20:52

Well done Lavender. And hugs for your loss - I can sense that it's preying on your mind. You must miss your Mum especially at times like this, but try to recognise how far you have come on your own - you are doing really well. Take care. x

Granville72 · 17/09/2014 09:49

Just say a firm no to him taking the kids until the divorce is settled and finalised, and tell him you'll discuss it once that has happened.

If you can, get a safety deposit box and keep all your passports securely out of his reach, and the key / code always on you.

I also wouldn't bother forewarning him, he'll kick off regardless so no point in stoking the fire before necessary.

Meerka · 17/09/2014 12:26

sending you strength, lavender. Great next step even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 19/09/2014 06:34

I haven't done it yet. Dd has been very very poorly and I am exhausted with being up all night monitoring her. I feel so alone. I don't think I can cope with the managing of next bit tbh.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 19/09/2014 07:03

I'm sorry to hear your daughter has been unwell and it can be hard to think straight if you are knackered - it does eat into your resilience. However, avoiding the issue will not help you in the long run. Think back to how much you dreaded your H's summer visit, how much he wears you down via skype and e-mail etc. this is not going to improve without filing your divorce. You've got an open wound in your life that is not healing because (metaphorically) he keeps picking at it. If you are going to have peace of mind and your autonomy in the long run, you have to sever your ties to him. You've done the hardest bit in leaving and making a new life for yourself and the children. The divorce is needed to make it all final. C'mon Lavender - you CAN do this & you will feel so much better in the long run. Last push... We will still be here rooting for you.

Kaykat · 19/09/2014 07:08

You poor thing I'm not surprised you are exhausted. There's no need for you to manage the next bit. Tell you solicitor to serve the papers and that you've decided not to warn him in case he avoids the service. There's no need for you to do anything. If he contacts you say that you are too tired to talk and hang up and don't respond to any texts. I know it looms large and we can't help ourselves fearing these abusive men but better to get it over and done with.

Granville72 · 19/09/2014 10:59

There is nothing for you to do now, it's all in the hands of your solicitor to sort. Just file and don't forewarn him, you have absolutely no obligation to do so after the way he has and continues to treat you and the children.

If you feel you cant face him then it's simple, just don't converse with him.

Out of interest, what did your Solicitor advise about buying a house with him when you were/are about to serve divorce papers? I know he's not on the deeds to the property but it's was still a joint purchase with him and an asset

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 21/09/2014 22:06

I haven't done it yet ( serve) because I'm so worried he will get on a plane and come and see me face to face.

I keep wondering if divorcing will cause me more problems than just separating and him living elsewhere and us never ever being together again. He accepts this apart for wanting chances which I just ignore.

I can't bear him now and cannot understand why I dated him, never mind married him:(

My dd is a bit better- so terrifying:(

Granville, the lawyer suggested it. I can't go into the detail on here, sorry!

OP posts:
Granville72 · 22/09/2014 11:16

I feel for you and know exactly where you are coming from but, the ball is in your court and you have the upper hand here.

Personally, you should file whilst you have this upper hand. Do not let him serve papers first as this could be detrimental to you and the children.

Do not fear him or what he will do. And if he does get on a plane and come over (though I strongly doubt he would do that) so what? Phone the police and that's another mark on his card during the divorce.

Either way he knows you want a divorce, it's hardly going to be a surprise to him when the papers land on his door step.