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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
TwinkleDust · 28/08/2014 09:21

Also, did you ever consider doing the freedom program? Because, it does seem that although you have escaped him physically, psychologically you are still subject to his control..?

Don't send him those passports. He is lying. You know why he wants them. Wake up. Please.

Meerka · 28/08/2014 09:26

No. No. No. lavender please, please don't send those passports.

At the very least look up if he actually really does need them or if he's lying. Even if he isn't, don't send them. Who cares about the visas!

NettleTea · 28/08/2014 11:09

you are very very wrong in thinking that you have more control over the children if you remain married.
If he is still married to you and he wants to take the children there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it - he has parental responsibility and he can do what the hell he wants

however if you divorce, or you are going through divorce, and he has threatened to take them then there are many channels to prevent this

If its your children you want to keep, then you need to start divorce proceedings as soon as possible and contact the passport agency to put a caveat on their passports which prevents him applying for new ones without your knowledge

You can also get a prohibitive steps order which specifies that he cannot take them out of the country without your written permission. This order can also be sent to the passport agency which will flag their passports

do NOT give him the passports, you give him those you may as well wave bye bye to the children now

NettleTea · 28/08/2014 11:15

and you dont need to cancel visas. that is absolute crap. they just sit in your passport doing nothing.

he is just trying to trick you into sending the passports

and yes, he cannot say he is coming for every holiday. That IS unfair, and even if he were granted access that would bve decided fairly by a court, not by him, and no judge on earth would expect you to do all the day to day care and let him have the holidays.

Its telling that you actually BELIEVE his crap.

Granville72 · 28/08/2014 13:16

I don't want to be married to him. I'm just teetering on the brink of making sure

Sure of what exactly? You either want to be married and every thing that goes with it, or you don't.

I think he's doing a really good job of brain washing you, and you seem to be ignoring all of the advice you are being given. What are you delaying for? He's not suddenly going to become the wonderful dotting husband and father that you desire, and if you think that then you're seriously delusional.

What does your Solicitor say to all of this?

And for gods sake, DO NOT send the passports. He does not need them, just let the visa expire

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 28/08/2014 18:05

I'm not ignoring advice, I'm just making sure I have everything set. I'm not sending passports(!) he must think I'm pretty stupid.

OP posts:
Meerka · 28/08/2014 18:07

it sounds like he runs purely on emotion and not on brains at all. I bet he hasn't even considered you might be quite bright.

Meerka · 28/08/2014 18:10

god I hope that dindt come over as patronising. I meant that he seems to treat you as, well, just someone who's there for him. You having your own thoughts, feelings and smarts seems to be out of his orbit

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 28/08/2014 20:08

No, no, not patronising! Don't worry:)

Granville, I am quite delusional tbh- its part of the avoidance thing. Pretend its all ok and it just might be or go away. Or it be a total fuck up to deal with.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 28/08/2014 20:13

I don't think you can ignore or pretend anymore Lavender. It's not going to go away and neither is he until you file those papers and put an end to it

DustBunnyFarmer · 28/08/2014 23:53

I am quite delusional tbh- its part of the avoidance thing.

Lavender - I have been reading 'A Woman in Your Own Right' by Anne Dickson and reading the statement you wrote above reminded me of this passage in the book. It is near the end (96% on my old kindle) when she's summing up the 5 key things to lead a more assertive, balanced and grounded life:

"Honesty.
In this context, honesty applies both to the basis of our communication but, more importantly, means being truthful to ourselves because denial is the very worst enemy of personal power: whenever we are in denial about what is happening to us, we have no access to personal power.... Only when we stop denying what we know, what we see, what we hear and what actually is the nature of our reality, can we take the first step to address it. Maybe we cannot change it but even the act of emerging from denial is to assume a stance of personal power. Then we can identify what we feel and what we can or cannot change: we are able to move from a position of honesty and real change."

I'm sorry if it seems like we often nudge you rather vigorously, but there is nothing in what you've posted recently that suggests there is any future in your marriage. I wanted to post the passage above because I think recognising this and really opening yourself up to the reality of your situation will, in the long term, free you.

DollyTwat · 29/08/2014 09:20

Lavender, you've done the hardest part. You moved here, last year, without him. You've got a job and are making a life for yourself

You're doing better than you realise

TwinkleDust · 29/08/2014 09:26

I'm not sure if this will help or not. But here goes.

In every situation I have ever been in where I have experienced similar paralysing fear, anxiety, over-thinking of scenarios, what-ifs, consequences, and waiting for some external happening to take responsibility (you recognise this perhaps) for the leap; well, you know what?

Every single time, no exceptions, after the leap has taken place, I can honestly say that the preamble, the prelude, the 'waiting' for someone, anything, to give me the final push - was far, far worse that the actual jump I finally chose to make - and the outcomes never even came close to my imagined worse case scenarios . And exceeded my modest hopes for positive outcomes ten-fold. Every single time.

You must have taken on board at some level all the experience and advice that has been offered by MNetters; but you can't actually know it until you do it. Where you are now is a far worse place than where you will be. It has to be a leap of faith. Always. Accept this and use it to move forward.

Ilovenicesoap · 29/08/2014 10:57

OP please file for divorce asap.
This will protect your DC and you will be able to sort out your finances.
Once you are divorced and have court ordered access arrangements in place if he steps out of line,is abusive,doesn't return DC on time then it just gives you more power.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 31/08/2014 08:08

The lawyer couldn't file Friday as she was having a day off but said she'd go in if I wanted. She says to hold off filing perhaps as he promised money this week, but this coincides with him wanting me to send passports so I'm not holding my breath. This has only just occurred to me actually.

OP posts:
TwinkleDust · 31/08/2014 09:12

Eh? Doesn't the man already owe you £'00s in unpaid maintenance?

Instruct your lawyer to file asap. And think about whether they are up to the job. Because, tbh, they do not sound like the SHL you need.

DustBunnyFarmer · 31/08/2014 09:54

(SHL = shit hot lawyer)

DustBunnyFarmer · 31/08/2014 09:55

but this coincides with him wanting me to send passports so I'm not holding my breath. This has only just occurred to me actually.

Start paying attention to this kind of stuff. I suspect it will bring much needed clarity to your situation. Time to take control of events....

Ilovenicesoap · 31/08/2014 12:33

Baffled as to why your solicitor is telling you to hold off ,it doesn't make any sense.Confused
The longer you hold off the longer he is going to think your relationship can be rekindled.
Also access arrangements will be formalised,finances can be sorted and any bad behaviour on his part will be held against him ·Take control and file !

Horsemad · 31/08/2014 14:47

OP your solicitor is crap. You do realise they are supposed to be working for YOUR benefit, don't you?

Get some local recs and get another lawyer and FAST.

Granville72 · 31/08/2014 19:52

Ditch the lawyer, they are giving shit awful advice, and this has already been highlighted by many of us several times.

Heed the advice from those that have already been through this. Get a good lawyer, and file for divorce ASAP.

He's going to take you hook, line and sinker if you're not careful.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 31/08/2014 21:49

I have to file ASAP and I have to call the passport office tomorrow.

The lawyer I had in mind can't take on the case and another one said they would charge over £10k for definite. I don't have this money.

I will stay with this one, I think, and keep going. Otherwise its all delayed even more and too much - I'm very overwhelmed atm.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 01/09/2014 09:30

Stick with it, you're doing brilliantly.

Divorce does seem very overwhelming and screws your head and at times you wonder if there is ever light at the end of the tunnel.

But

It's the means to an end. Look at it as a marathon, your solicitor has the starting pistol and she fires it to get things underway. You embark on a long journey where you will need stamina, but keep your head up and keep running and before you know it you will be sprinting for the finish line.

We're be here all the way supporting and cheering you on. We're your support crew Flowers

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 02/09/2014 19:05

I've filed and I'm waiting for confirmation. Then I serve- he's going to go mad.
He seems to be managing ok though, got himself a 2 seater sports car and enjoying single life, which is complete odds to what he is telling me. To say I'm pissed off is an understatement:( he doesn't know I know. Should I tell him I do? He'll deny it, anyway.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 02/09/2014 19:19

Well done, Lavender! And try not to worry about his reaction (hard, I know) - that's his problem. Maybe be a bit careful about skype/your kids in case he uses that as a route to have a pop at you.

If I were you, I'd keep quiet about the sports car. It might be a useful ace to have up your sleeve at a later date.