Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

I've been up for an hour already:( I've also got a v busy day today, a friend coming who isn't going to be much use, workmen in, and loads of errands.

I have to call her ASAP today. He's really angry:(

He says he's getting legal advice re the children and he has rights.

He says I treat him like dirt after all he has done. He says he will take a low paid job in the UK to care for his children. He says we are married and you marry for better or worse and I am a selfish bitch. He says I will be putting the children and him through a lot if pain for my selfishness.

Oh that word again, "selfish"! Yawn. He never thinks to apply it to himself does he.

Try and think of this as bluster and face-saving. He has known this is the end for weeks if not months. Last night he got nasty because he got drunk, end of.

Lavender I am sorry I was not awake when he was ranting. The others were right though to say switch off devices and ignore as best you could.

You don't deserve that sort of tiresome badgering. If however you no longer feel guilty and it spurs you on to process the divorce I suppose he did you a minute favour.

Lavender.

I've just read this whole thread from start to finish.

File for divorce.
Don't disclose your new location.
Change your phone numbers, email address - all contact details inc emails.

This sorry excuse for a man is not even [not even] good for your kids. Just him being in the same house gives your son night terrors. Listen to what your kids are actually saying, not what they have been conditioned to say.

Those saying you are being selfish have not lived with him and if they say it again, can be firmly told that they are more than free to go and live with him if they so wish.

He presses each button in turn and you seems to take it all inwardly and reflect it back. you need to get fucking angry and cut off contact and get yourself free from this complete and utter bastard. The foot thing was to gain sympathy and when that didn't happen, it strangely disappeared.

I do wish I lived nearby so I could come round and help you to rid yourself of this worm in your apple. You are so close, and just those few actions above will give you a nice clean shiny apple to munch away at your own pace.

Do it. And do it today.

*If you are in the midlands, PM me and if nearby I can bring cake. x

You know what you have to do.

Channel your inner Tiger Mum. Your children need you to act. You need you to act. Ditch the passivity - it isn't working -and isn't an option.

Consult your solicitor.
Listen to their advice.
Take their advice.

Stop engaging in dialogue of any kind with him. Refer him to your solicitors. You don't have to listen to him any more.

Ring the Solicitor ASAP, TODAY, and get the papers filed IMMEDIATELY.

He is bullying you, probably because you are now standing up to him and he knows he cannot manipulate you or the children anymore and knows he has lost control over you.

You are doing brilliantly. DO NOT disclose your new address. Explain to your solicitor he is threatening you and the children and do not feel safe. If they tell you that you should tell him where you are then seriously, you need to change Solicitor.

Tell your ex that you will only have contact via Skype for the children only, you will not be engaging with him and only via Solicitor from now on. Also, let your Solicitor have copies of the threatening emails as this will back up your case.

Most of all do not engage him of converse with him. Send an email explaining this, keep it brief and to the point and also include your solicitors details. Most of all, CC your Solicitor in on the email so he knows you are serious and not backing down.

I've ring the solicitor. The law has changed a bit now since we did it first time and you don't need a child statement. She still said he mustn't take them out of the country next year.

He has been v tricky, sol says he will get worse and do i understand that. and I have replied to him and ignored Skype.

Don't assume I know what you mean!

So are you issuing the divorce papers now then?

And yes he / it, will get worse before it gets better. But, and this is the best bit, there is an end goal to all this. That is the beauty to divorce, it is the means to an end.

It may not seem like it at the moment but it will all be worth it in the end

Okay.

He is at the stage where guilt, manipulation, fear, financial abuse, and so on, have all failed to get you to toe the line. So, now it is highly probable that his focus will switch to revenge and control via the children (there is no evidence to suggest he is a good dad). This is the point I was getting at, and what I suspect your solicitor is trying to advise you about. Listen, and take it on board.

You can't avoid dealing with this any longer. Get those papers issued before he does, and on your terms (you know what he did, didn't do, and you know why you had to leave). Be totally honest with your solicitor.

He is planning to strike first. He may cite abandonment and alienation (children) for example. Listen to your solicitor, act on their advice, quickly. If you remain passive you will prolong the pain, escalate the fall-out, and regret not taking control when you had the opportunity.

I know all this but I'm dithering because I have greater control, I think, over his access to the children as married rather than not. He is comfortable with staying away and not living with me or being in the same country. I don't want him taking the children away to Europe for weeks on end to see his parents, who haven't bothered to contact the dc since last August and he hasn't even when he was here.

Then I'm afraid you will never move on whilst you remain married - whether it's just in name or not. You are just digging an even bigger hole for yourself.

You say he's comfortable staying away? Then why does he keep emailing asking for another chance, and then sending hateful emails?

You can have an injunction against him which ensures the children do not leave the UK with him, and him only.

I really do question your judgement and what advice exactly your solicitor is giving you.

But what does your solicitor advise you to do, and why..? Is the advice different to what you are actually doing? It seems, on the face of it, that you are trying to rationalise your passivity with the argument that it gives you more control. This doesn't make sense.

Based on your knowledge of his character, his actual past behaviours, what do you actually believe he will do next? Nothing? Is he the sort, for example, to consider your separation and removal of the children a potential public humiliation? Didn't he also accuse you of having an affair? How would future dating fit in do you think?

Nothing you have described suggests a loving and involved husband and father who would put them first and above all. Basically, is he likely to be vindictive and prideful? Would he have the inclination to pursue you through legitimate channels to take primary responsibility and access to the children? If you are playing poker with him, then that is one hell of a pointless gamble when you are already holding the cards.

Hear hear ribena

Lavender I too have just read the whole thread. This is not about second chances or caring for his children, this is all about making you pay for having stepped out of line.

Get your divorce papers signed and filed, get rid of him, make a life for yourself and your children. Yes, it will be hard, but at least you will not be afraid and you will not be under this sort of pressure.

Just do it. Honestly, it's the only way.

He is threatening to lose the plot and throw everything to hell and I don't really know what he means by this.

My solicitor says to file and then have the papers served but she wants to discuss how to do this. I'm worried he will go berserk and come back here.

He doesn't want to divorce as I think he sees it as a massive failure on his part and I think he is also amazed I don't want him back, and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. I think he thinks I should put up with anything, as part and parcel of marriage

I think he is going to come back to the UK and try to take over the children.
He is very bitter and angry and yes, he does think I have met someone on arrival in the UK and that's why I want to split up. He is wrong.

Act on your solicitor's advice. Take it from there.

Then see your solicitor ASAP. Do not delay, dither or go against your solicitors advice.

If you are concerned over his actions and coming back here (and I doubt he will), then get an injunction against him to keep him away from you and the children.

You put too much weight on what he thinks.

He can say the sky is green, the fields are blue and snow is black for all it matters.

He cannot take your children away just because he decides he wants to.
He can move to the UK if he wants to
If he 'goes beserk' you get a non-molestation order.

You don't have to have contact with him. If he wants to chat to the children, he can do - you need to facilitate it. You don't need to engage with him or entertain his threats whatsoever.

Your anxiety means you are fretting excessively over things that haven't happened yet. I've done this too - it's normal, but taking control is dealing with things as and when they happen, not panicking that they might happen.

The complication of filing for divorce is how to prove he has been 'served' when he's overseas. Although this is a complication, it's not overcomeable - lots of spouses are overseas. It's not something to fret over the courts have lots of experience of dealing with idiots - it's their full time job, after all.

And no one can be compelled to remain in a marriage if they don't want to. Marriage is a choice. The wedding was a party, but the marriage was a legal process. Divorce is the undoing of that legal process. It cannot be prevented if one party no longer wishes to remain married. I say again, marriage is a choice.

Getting a divorce can be a complicated, stressful business. It doesn't have to be that way. Again this is a choice. He may choose to be very difficult about it, again you have to trust your solicitor to manage it and do your best to rise above it. (I realise how hard this is).

Remind yourself the sky is blue, the fields are green and snow is white.
Seeing is believing.

He is threatening to lose the plot and throw everything to hell and I don't really know what he means by this.

Why are you persisting with contact with this ape? Let him rant and rave - you don't have to listen to it. He doesn't own you. The sooner you realise this the better.

p.s...you don't threaten to lose the plot, you either lose the plot or you are pretending to lose the plot for a reason.

Call his bluff and file your divorce. Even if he does come back to the UK, he doesn't have your new address and you have rented in your own right (if I understand your earlier posts right), so you don't have to give him access to your new home.

C'mon Lavender - you are standing at the top of a hill at a gate with your future (husband-free) laid out ahead of you as a green and pleasant landscape. Time to push the gate open and step through. The divorce will no doubt be stressful and aggravating, but you can't explore the pleasant green landscape until you've taken that first step. We'll be here handholding for as long as you need it, at your shoulder and willing you on.

He does know where I live as I had to move whilst he was here. He also has his name on the house as I couldn't do it otherwise. The solicitor says there is a way to stop him trying to move in but I need to get clarity on that.

I did reply to his hysteria but only to check he wasn't planning on coming to the UK. He has ignored this and carried on with a calm comms re the kids.

Calling his bluff is the wrong term really as I don't want to trick him in any way.

You have the upper hand (atm) with the divorce.

If you don't want to get totally screwed financially & emotionally then you need to file the papers before him. I really do not understand why you wish to remain married or even converse with this person.

If I lived closer I would have shoved my size 6 foot firmly up your backside by now, because you certainly need a good kick up the backside to see sense.

I don't want to be married to him. I'm just teetering on the brink of making sure - and as I can't even entertain the thought of being in bed with him ever again. He is pretending everything is ok and he's making arrangements to come back for every time the dc have a holiday. This seems unfair to me that I don't get holiday with them and he will be here ( not in my house)

He wants the passports for me and the dc to cancel visas. I don't want to send them and have posted in divorce and sep. for advice on it.

Is there anything we can say to encourage you to jump that last hurdle?

Do it. We'll be here to support you.

DO the visa need to be cancelled aren't they for set period anyway , can you contact the embassy yourself and cancel them.

I wouldn't be sending your or your children's passports to him at all