Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Really? I don't want to waste the doctors time if its just stress- there's nothing he can do anyway except tell me to relax!

I haven't had anything since though, it came on whilst I was talking to a handyman here about living in the ME ( not my personal stuff!) I had to sit down but I don't think he noticed.

My fingers are tingly and a bit numb on the left hand fingers but I am a bit paranoid now as I've been on dr google.

You won't be wasting the doctor's time at all. Please see someone about your symptoms.

Don't google, but do make an appt with your GP. You are certainly not wasting anybody's time.

Get checked out by your Doctor. Of course you are not wasting their time.

Thanks - and I have just had some v bad family news just to add to it all, and I really regret going to NHS direct symptoms and being told to call 999! As if!

I'll call the docs tomorrow though. Just in case.

oh dear lavender, the last thing you needed was bad family news. Give your lovely children a cuddle and keep strong ...Keep on keeping on. Sending you long distance strength

Hi Lavender,

Hope you're feeling okay now. I had several episodes of similar symptoms. I did get them checked - even ended up on a heart monitor for 48 hours. It was my body's way of saying enough. Although I had some respite from the symptoms, they didn't really go until I overhauled my life and made some big changes that put me back in control.

How are you this morning lavender? I don't think that the doctor can give you pills to ward off fuckwittery from H unfortunately but s/he can check you over and see if there is something they can do.

Was sorry to read you had some bad family news, god knows you have enough on your plate.

I've realised I'm probably eligible for tax credits so I'm trying to sort that out.
I haven't heard from dh. I haven't gone to the doctors because of work and I think its just stress as the moment I start thinking about him being here / worrying about how I'm going to manage with money my chest gets very tight and painful. Which isn't helpful as I have to think about it.
At least being at work is helping, as I haven't time to worry about it then.

Is there anyway you can get his name of the tenancy..?

Lavender, please see the doctor about those chest pains. There's nothing 'just' about stress, and any doctor worth their salt will not just say 'so go and relax then' - that would be like saying to someone with depression 'so cheer up then'. Please go. If anything happened to you, what would happen to your DC?

I haven't seen the doctor. I haven't had time and I don't really see what they can do. If it doesn't go when he's gone I'll go then.

Fluffy, you reminded me I need to change my will, and I need to update who will take care of the children.

He sent me a message with his arrival date next week and is acting as though everything is fine and we aren't separated. Its so odd- why is he doing this? I've ignored him.

Hi Lavender,

I've followed your thread since pre-flight. I've read your words as you've ummed and arr-ed about leaving, your worries about the children, your hurt, your frustration.

I've read as you've established yourself back here and just tried to get on with things.

Despite my sympathy, and empathy for you (of which I have a lot), I'm going to be brutal:

STOP! JUST STOP!

If you are not feeling well now, how are you going to feel the closer it comes to him arriving? How are you supposed to manage the next few weeks if you are already feeling sub-par? What happens if sub-par becomes thoroughly ill?

I know first hand that the fear of the future is often much worse than the actual present proves it to be. Your mind works overdrive, your sleeplessness and your anxiety feeds the fear. When it actually happens, it's manageable. But you don't realise that until you are in the moment.

I know that your new life is now being bastardised by his re-emergence. I realise that is very difficult to accept, and to deal with.

But your solicitors have made this point: suck it up in the short term to gain in the long term.

You don't have to, but either way there are consequences. You are in between a rock and a hard place. Of that there is no dispute.

I really do feel for you. I really do have a lot of compassion for the difficulties you are facing. I am an expat, and an expat wife too.

Please, love, just make sure you are in the best position to cope with it by taking care of you beforehand - not dealing with it during or after.

It is more than likely the afflictions you are currently suffering are stress induced. You are building up to a period of more stress. Speak to someone (a GP) to help you cope with it. It's not admitting to weakness, it is recognising the uniqueness of your situation, and getting support to manage it.

You've got this far and you're fighting to get further. A little GTX in your fuel right now will help your engine will not hinder it.

Best wishes.

Lavender, when you say he has "sent me a message with his arrival date", does this mean he is expecting you to go and pick him up from the airport?

I hope you aren't doing this. I hope you have drawn your boundaries firmly enough that he is responsible for his own travel. I know you feel trapped into having him stay, but that doesn't mean you have to enable his behaviour.

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick!

You really need to explore getting the tenancy into your own name as soon as possible. Have you even checked with your landlord if they would be prepared to do this right now? If not, how much longer does your current lease have to run?

Echoing lots of other posters, you really need to get checked out at the doctors. If you phoned NHS direct during one of these stress spins odes, what advice do you think they would give you? Do you not think they would be telling you to get to A&E immediately to get checked? You have to take this seriously - you may need medication, or maybe the hearing ear of a medical professional to be on your side should you require further evidence for the breakdown of your marriage.

Further apologies for the length of this post! Please take care of yourself.

These posts are very helpful, thank you.

I'm not picking him up at the airport! He will just turn up at some point.

I will probably make an appointment for next week.

Something I once found useful was a friend pointing out it's like oxygen masks on a plane. you need to put you own mask on before you help others with their masks. You need to take care of yourself first so you can look after others.

Thought I'd de-lurk to chuck in a suggestion to try and help with the anxiety, if you want to give it a go - feel free to ignore if it's not your thing though!

Your GP is definitely the best bet to ensure you've got everything medical covered and a bit of a health MOT would be time well spent, but here's a relaxation technique that might help support as it will help reduce the tension you're holding in your muscles which can cause aches and pains:

Find ten mins to yourself when you DC are asleep, phone is off the hook etc. Decide on a word (e.g. 'relax') and a physical anchor (e.g. pressing your finger and thumb together).

Sit quietly and comfortably (or in a nice relaxing bath maybe!) and concentrate on what you can hear outside, then what you can hear in the room, then concentrate just on your breathing.

After a moment or two, focus your mind on relaxing your scalp (you might not feel anything actually happen, but that's okay) for a moment, then your ears, then move your focus down your body taking a moment eat to relax your forehead, your cheeks, your lower jaw, your neck, shoulders, upper arm, lower arms, hands, fingers, chest, stomach, back, pelvis, upper legs, lower legs, feet and toes. Feel all the tension drain out of your fingers and toes. When you feel totally relaxed, say you chosen word ('relax') in your mind and trigger your physical anchor (press your finger and thumb together or whatever you've chosen). Try to repeat this every evening (or more often if you like!) and eventually, over time, you will find that just saying the word to yourself or using your physical anchor will bring the feeling of relaxation without having to go through the whole process - you can then use this whenever you need to feel calm and relaxed. My anchors still work some years after setting them and I just reinforce them every now and then!

It's not a cure-all by any means, and sorry I can't offer anything more practical, but it works quite well and might help you in some small way in the future.

Good luck with everything and I hope the next few weeks go as well as possible for you.

North, just reading that set my teeth on edge:)

I'm more likely to relax with a good book- I can shut out anything with a book, anywhere.

It will be fine. I'm just going to manage each day and it will soon go.

Okay, sorry about that .

I've reported my post and ask it be deleted. Sorry again

North, why on earth delete it? Someone might find it useful:) just not me:)

Thinking of you lavender hope things are bearable and you can update when you're able.

(The relaxation exercise was helpful to me North thanks btw).

Just thought I'd come and tell you all you were right.

And doing the right thing is not always a good thing and should not cloud your judgement when making decisions or used as a way to avoid confrontation in the short term.

Its very awful but I am trying to avoid as much as possible.

Oh, lavender....massive thoughts with you. You did what you thought you had to do. I can't give you anymore practical advice than you've already had, but keep talking.

I've been thinking about you Lavender.

How are you? How long is he here for? How are your DC?