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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 11/07/2014 08:55

I would not leave the children with him under any circumstances, though.

fluffyanimal · 11/07/2014 13:13

Oh Lavender, I can see why you feel so beset from all angles. It must be awful to be getting the official advice that you can't stop him staying. If you can get a second opinion from Womens Aid that would probably be a good thing.

I understand TweedleDi's thinking about not staying in the house whilst he is there. This would be my first course of action - you could leave as soon as the DC were in bed and return as early as you like in the morning to get them up. I wonder if you feel that's Hobson's Choice, because of how useless he is with the children? Remembering how at one point you were entertaining going away with him so you could make sure the DC were looked after, it probably feels like a very hard alternative, but I certainly think you should consider it.

I have another idea which you could combine with staying elsewhere, or try as an alternative. I don't know if what I am about to suggest is sound advice or not, so more knowledgeable posters please feel free to jump in immediately and tell Lavender to disregard it. I wonder, though, if this would be a survival strategy:

The police have told you to look after your own personal safety. Could you put a bolt on the inside of your bedroom door? I know the place is rented, but if the landlord were to kick up a fuss about this, I think that is a small price to pay. Then let H know that your bedroom is your space and he is not to set foot in it - if he does, you will consider it a physical threat and will report it to the police. You can reinforce this by telling him he has refused to consider your feelings and your mental welfare by respecting your request that he stays elsewhere, and therefore you are within your rights to regard him as a threat. Teach the DC a special knock so that they can come in if necessary. The minute the DC are in bed, you lock yourself in your room and do not engage, no conversations through the door, nothing. Make your room your safe space - fill it with scented candles or fresh flowers or whatever you need, have phone/tablet, favourite books, stash of snacks bottles of wine - the full survival kit. So that as soon as the DC are not around, you spend not a second in his company. Any attempt of his to get through your door and you call the police - you need to let him know you will do that, and if he calls your bluff you have to follow through.

Sounds pretty shit, but if Womens Aid don't give you better advice and we are in the situation that you have to let him stay, it might work as a damage limitation strategy, and also to demonstrate your resolve to him.

TweedleDi · 11/07/2014 13:42

Another thought. If you end up allowing him to stay, perhaps put him in your daughter's room, and have her sleep in with you. Reduces the manipulation threat to your son if he is sleeping in his room.

Meerka · 11/07/2014 14:18

I don't think your lawyer is much good either, lavender and she certainly isnt giving you much support.

lavenderhoney · 12/07/2014 06:41

I can't not leave the children with him, I have no legal rights to do that and I have to work.

My solicitor says the same as the others, nothing can be done until anything happens. He may be ok. Also, next year, the divorce will be over so I will have a whole load of new worries.

Re sleeping, ds will want to come in with me. Dd loves her own bed and won't want him in it. Otherwise, yes, my plan is to go to bed when they do. I can't lock the door as the dc often wake in the night and will not remember special knocks:)

OP posts:
fluffyanimal · 12/07/2014 07:40

FlowersFlowersFlowers
In that case, my advice still stands, minus the bolt on the door. Go to bed with your phone.

TweedleDi · 12/07/2014 08:28

Then let DS sleep in with you, even better :-) Is he staying for a whole month?

What advice did Women's Aid offer?

lavenderhoney · 12/07/2014 23:16

Not a whole month, thank heavens

WA said pretty much the same, but gave good advice on staying safe. That's my main aim. Top of the list.

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 13/07/2014 09:03

Good. Pragmatic mode. Another way of thinking about this is that it is not so much about him invading your space, as you being on home turf and with the upper hand. You get to monitor his interaction with the children for any stupidity, and you can put in place those sensible safety strategies. If he steps a foot out of line, then don't hesitate to log with 101/WA. Is he aware that you have spoken to the police etc.? Are the passports somewhere safe outside of the house?

3mum · 13/07/2014 15:01

Just one thing FYI Lavender re the finances and divorce. I know your H works in the ME but what is the nationality of the company he works for? If it is European then it may be possible for a decent international solicitor to get an attachment on his earnings for maintenance.

Oh and don't just get the passports out of the house, get ALL your financial records out too. Do your children know the password on the computer/ipad? If so, change it. My ex used the children to tell him my computer password then trawled through all my emails and financial records.

Once this visit is over I suggest seeing if you can get the tenancy changed to your name though frankly if he kicks off whilst he is with you call the police on him straightaway. You don't have to allow him to stay if there is DV or even a threat of DV regardless of whose name is on the tenancy.

lavenderhoney · 13/07/2014 16:47

Hi, thanks - yes I have quite a bit of stuff I want out of the house. Dc don't know passwords at all, but I will change then anyway.

His company is not European and it seems he has been taking legal advice anyway.

I'm doing my best to be calm and sensible.

OP posts:
Meerka · 13/07/2014 17:10

keep going Lavender, you will win through

lavenderhoney · 13/07/2014 19:14

Fluffy, I'm following that thread you linked to Shock

I also did the dash checklist and my score was over the danger point of 14. I need to get a bit more organised I think.

OP posts:
fluffyanimal · 14/07/2014 09:05
Flowers Knowledge is power. How long till he arrives?
lavenderhoney · 14/07/2014 17:15

He messaged me when asking for the address of where I am living to say he would be here next week. I haven't sent it. I don't want any surprises before I'm ready.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 14/07/2014 17:27

I'd be tempted to text him the address of your nearest Travelodge.

lavenderhoney · 15/07/2014 13:02

Its marginally more tempting just to not respond, turn off the phone, take myself off all social media sites ( not that I use them!) and push off somewhere else. He doesn't know the car I drive or its plates.

There is, I suppose, some benefit to old friends dumping me at my leaving dh and having no family. He wouldn't have a clue where to look. He doesn't even know the names of my friends, even though they've gone. He didn't even care enough to know where me and dc have actually been living anyway, and he certainly doesn't know the school. And its closed as of Friday anyway.

I won't though. Its like watching a horror movie and shouting " don't open the door!" Only to watch as she opens the door to her own special hell.

I'm not doing so well.

OP posts:
Meerka · 15/07/2014 13:05

we're here to listen lavender and we're all rooting for you. While it's easy to offer advice, we all know how hard it is to actually live the situation.

Thinking of you, wishing you luck and strength and a glass of Wine

Lesnewth · 15/07/2014 15:24

How long is your rental for? I suggest when/if you renew the lease, get it in your name only.

I probably would take off with DC before his arrival, or insist he pays for you all to stay somewhere neutral like a B&B or something.

He's a cheeky sod. Angry

DollyTwat · 15/07/2014 19:15

Found you!
Keep hanging in there Lavender
I think I should pop in to see you a lot when he's here

lavenderhoney · 16/07/2014 06:32

Thanks dolly:) Its going to be awful and I'm going to be out if his way as much as I can.

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 16/07/2014 08:23

It really isn't reasonable for him to insist on staying in your home, regardless of tenancy. What if you were to book a holiday rental and go there with the children for the duration - would that be feasible? You could let your 101 contact know so there is no alert scenario. It would put you back in control and assert boundaries for the future.

lavenderhoney · 16/07/2014 16:03

No, that wouldn't work as I can't afford it. I have a new worry which is chest pains and a sort of nagging shooting pain down one side which starts in my jaw and goes down. My chest is tight. It lasted about an hour and has eased a bit now. I'm guessing its stress.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/07/2014 16:23

I thought any pain like that lasting for more than ten minutes should be investigated lavender yes I'm sure it is stress induced.

Lesnewth · 16/07/2014 20:28

That needs checking out lavenderhoney, and sooner rather than later.

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