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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/07/2014 19:12

Oh CHRIST

Lavender .. I hope you said No. No. NO.

Im so sorry for your son but this is utterly manipulative and WRONG of your husband. what a shit he is.

OvertiredandConfused · 06/07/2014 19:28

I hope you've explained to DS that this isn't possible Lavender. I know it makes you seem mean now but, actually, you're demonstrating appropriate boundaries and it's the right thing to do.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 06/07/2014 19:55

I was too stunned and he wouldn't stop talking to ds and short of slamming shut the ipad and upsetting ds, there was nothing I could do.

He also told ds to give me a kiss from him. Its just so difficult.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 06/07/2014 20:13

I posted on your previous thread and am so pleased you have left the country but dismayed to see you haven't left him. You need to realise he does not own you. He is not in charge of you. You are so desperate to have a father for your children that you are letting him walk all over you even though he is thousands of miles away.

Do not let this man in your house without a big burly friend at all times. He is not good. He is abusive, a bully and will cause you pain all in front of your children.

DustBunnyFarmer · 06/07/2014 22:21

Drawing (slight) encouragement from this, if he's getting at you through your son it's because he's realised you are resolute. Have you explained to the children that you are separating yet?

(What a bastard, by the way, getting son's hopes up like that. Manipulative shit!)

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 06/07/2014 23:20

I told them a few months ago. He knows I told them. He's a nightmare.

I have had enough of everything.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 06/07/2014 23:24

Just because he wants these things to happen, like staying in your son's room, doesn't mean they have to happen. You have to make it clear to your son and him that this is not acceptable, and he must find his own accommodations. Your son will be very confused if you have dad in the home after telling him you're separating.....

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 06/07/2014 23:31

Dc know he is here for a vacation to see them. They aren't confused in that sense. They know he lives abroad.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 07/07/2014 07:02

What are the arrangements you've stipulated for your ex's visit? Have you logged a call with the DV unit in case it all kicks off when he arrives?

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 07/07/2014 12:38

I suspect I'm being dim here, but what arrangements?

I spoke to the relevant people and was told to call the police if I have any problems. Its been logged just in case.

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/07/2014 13:29

lavendar i hope you have been able to speak to your son and explain that Daddy was mistaken and he can't stay with you.

And please don't give him a flat-key. Not ever, not under any circumstances. it would take only half an hour to get a copy cut.

beachyhead · 07/07/2014 13:40

Just found you again.

How's the solicitor or have you changed?

I guess you should put in arrangements for his visit. When and where he can see the children? Where he can take them and who with? Would you be able to put those details to him via your solicitor?

momb · 07/07/2014 14:31

Alas I had to have a similar conversation with my DDs several years ago when exH invited himself on holiday with us. 'It's really lovely that your Daddy wants to share your room/our house while he's here but of course you do know why we can't do that don't you? Daddy and I aren't a married couple any more so it would be really weird for us to stay in the same house because we aren't a couple and we aren't brother and sister. I know that you're disappointed but we'll help Daddy find somewhere else really close by. Now, what do you want for dinner?' I too maintained contact longer than necessary to be accommodating and more importantly (with hindsight) to be seen by the children to be accommodating.

Be nice, be calm, be accommodating, but do not allow him to undermine the boundaries you have set. You aren't in a relationship with him any more. If you woudln't allow any other man you aren't in a relationship with sleep under your roof then why allow this one?

The real test of how much he loves and misses his children will be how well contact is maintained when you do not intiate/facilitate it.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 07/07/2014 15:52

As he insists on staying no matter what I say, he tells me he plans to sip end every waking moment with the dc.

Momb, he hasn't seen them for months, he lives abroad. He calls on Skype once a week for about 5 mins for both dc together. No other contact.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2014 16:07

As he insists on staying no matter what I say
But it does matter what you say.
It is YOUR house and you don't have to have him there.
You tell him that you have already told police of his visit and they will there in a flash if you see him anywhere near your house.
He has to stay in a B&B or hotel.
He cannot stay with you.
Don't let him bully you anymore.
No means NO!
Tell him straight!

Anniegetyourgun · 07/07/2014 18:08

You know he's lying about spending every waking moment with the DC, don't you? Not to mention there'll be a fair bit of every 24 hours when they aren't awake. He'll be the same old pain in the butt you've moved countries to get away from.

Besides, he manages to do enough emotional damage to them in five minutes a week on Skype. I can't imagine that spending all day every day with them for however long he plans to impose on you can be a good thing.

Anyway, the point is, you are separated, where you are living now is not and never has been his main residence, so he has absolutely no right at all to cross the threshold. So don't let him. It's like vampires: once you've invited 'em in once you can't keep the buggers out, even with garlic.

OvertiredandConfused · 07/07/2014 18:54

Lavender, please, please, please DO NOT let him stay in your home. It's your home, not his - he's never even been there before. You must be clear about this to your DC. "It'll be lovely for daddy to be close and to be able to come and take you out, but you know that mummy and daddy don't live together anymore so he can't stay here. We both love you but we don't love each other anymore". If DS asks why daddy said what he did, just say you don't know he was probably just confused / forgetful / joking /being a completely manipulative and abusive prick

You get the picture! If necessary call 101 and ask advice about what to do if he tries to stay.

Meerka · 07/07/2014 19:46

lavender ... Please. What everyone says. Do not let him bully you into staying.

You really are a strong loving woman, even if you wobble. Please remember that. Don't let him stay.

fluffyanimal · 08/07/2014 17:06

Hi Lavender Flowers
I don't know if you've seen this thread but I think you should take a look as you might find it relevant and helpful.

Also just wanted to reiterate what pp have said. Ring 101 again and tell them he has manipulated your DC to try and bully his way into the house. Tell HIM the next time he is in contact that the police have been warned and if he tries to force you to let him stay, you will call again.

Stay strong darling. It is so much better for your wonderful DC if you stay strong and maintain your boundaries, because I think the effect it could have on you otherwise would be bad for all of you.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 08/07/2014 19:22

I hope to be back later, but thank you fluffy:) Its very scary. The police have told me there is nothing they can do until he does something. They said I had to be personally responsible for my own safety in the meantime.

I'll visit my thread later if I can, it stresses me to read it tbh.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 09/07/2014 12:54

Hi Lavender.

Your husband is using your children. He is using them as an excuse to get inside your home and that terrifies me. He doesn't want to spend every waking moment with the kids. He doesn't even make an effort to talk to them. Not in the last three months. He doesn't have a clue how to look after them - by his own admission. He is also using them as a means to continue tormenting you, as he knows that you are a nice person and will do far too much to try and keep a relationship between him and the kids.

You desperately need someone to come and be there in the house with you when he arrives, so he cannot emotionally or physically force you to let him into your home.

A friend, colleague, family member, anyone? Hell if I lived in the UK even I'd do it. That way you have at least a smidgen of support, he will have someone that he won't want to "act out" in front of, and you have someone to keep him out of the way if you need to call the police.

TweedleDi · 10/07/2014 07:48

But what does your solicitor say..? Have you been completely upfront about the history and his insistence that he will be staying..? I can't see any good coming out of capitulation to this, only harm, for both yourself and your children.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 10/07/2014 19:06

The solicitor etc. say I can't stop him staying as his name is on the house. I can only get him out if he becomes violent or intimidating and won't leave, then I must call at once. They said to appeal to his better nature and ask him not to stay but he won't do that. Its no good keeping on and on, he won't not stay and legally I can't stop him. I want to run away really.

He has seen a lawyer and knows his rights. He is being a complete controlling arse and I have no idea how I'm holding it together. I'm not, frankly, I keep bursting into tears for no reason, my periods have stopped again ( stress) and I am starting to shake a lot. Also, bizarrely, I am having trouble focusing and keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye which scare me then I realise its just a leaf or something.

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 11/07/2014 08:05

Okay. If he insists on staying, what about saying that then you will have to move out temporarily, as it is inappropriate for separated people to be sleeping under the same roof? Would he find the thought of spending 'every waking moment' with the children complete with all the boring but necessary stuff somewhat less than appealing?

Also, your solicitor does not seem very SH. If you refused access, what would actually happen in practice? Have you had any advice from Women's Aid? It is not right that you are living in this state of fear.

arthriticfingers · 11/07/2014 08:51

Sorry to butt in (I have been following your thread), but I wanted to second what TweedleDi says about your lawyer and Women's Aid. Telling you to appeal to his better nature shows that they do not have experience dealing with abuse - the advice to call the police just seems to covering their arses for when things go pear-shaped.
Women's Aid do have legal advice, and it would be a good idea to contact them, and see what they advise.