Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

He booked holiday without checking school hols but he says he will change it.
I'm just going round in circles I think, I need to move on and stop stressing until it gets closer, I think. He's probably enjoying the long term effect on me. Better if I just repeat about not staying and refuse to discuss and keep busy.

My friend says they will support me for life, and they aren't going anywhere- even though I suggested to them to not talk for a few months its so much to bear and possibly they are dreading the stress of when he's here nearly as much as me- so I suppose that's something! But I've laid off stressing so much to them, which actually helps me get a firmer head on, not going over it so much.

I rather suspect, lavender, that you have more friends than you realise.

From what you've written elsewhere I seem to remember you find it hard to really believe in yourself, at times. I also suspect that when you finally reach a stable status quo, that you will be there for other people and give and give of yourself.

Take the help that's offered and take care of yourself as well as your children.

Meerka, I struggle with friends as I've been abroad for so long! And moved around so much before then. I have a few nice school mum friends to be, but I don't want to overshare my past. Its better to start afresh and talk about other things.

I have a lovely mn friend I met on one of my past threads.. you know who you are:) ( waves)

And I have 1 friend who is very erratic and fair weather but its ok. And I have a best friend whom I mention below.

I'm going to take it steady and not let him get to me. Its ages away and many a slip betwixt cup and lip.

I know what you mean, its difficult to ask and to really believe that people will be there sometimes.

I just remember you saying that you were afraid you'd driven yoru friends away, then well it was very nice to read that your best friend isnt going anywhere =)

How you doing Lavender? Been thinking about you. Hope you're OK

Not very well, tbh. Dreading the day he arrives in the UK. He also forgot dds birthday. Have realised I actually am very much alone and its very over whelming. I have to get hold of myself as its always going to be like this.

You have the support of many on here. There are some on here who have offered RL help, in the flesh, you just need to say the word and people will step up and help you

lavenderhoney - what did you decide about where he stays? I started shaking at one point reading this thread as I was so scared for you.

You absolutely CAN refuse entry, because this man is abusive and quite frankly, terrifying. Months on, he still doesn't "accept" that you want a divorce. That's because in his mind you aren't entitled to have any opinions, so unless he wants a divorce, then you have no choice. That's why he won't accept it. Because it's not something he decided.

Please for the love of fucking god STOP interacting with this man. All correspondence should go through lawyers. I have read people saying that hundreds of times, but you still speak to him on the phone and then wonder why you feel so stressed!!!

Tell him all communication has to go through solicitors, period.

Change your phone number (you can buy new SIMS for pennies these days)

Change your e-mail address and delete your old account.

Only sign on to skype when you have a planned (THROUGH THE SOLICITORS) session for him to talk to the children. Switch it off as soon as they have finished speaking. SAY NOTHING TO HIM.

Thanks, Granville. I have met up with one lovely mn and she has been great:)

Kay, its all over the place. I am dealing with it by trying to keep everything as low key and amicable as possible which although one sided is better for me at this present time. There are further complications which are nothing to do with dh, and I'm having to work through those as well. Its all very difficult and overwhelming. It seems nothing I do is easy and free from worry and possible extra misery, and its beyond my control. I am starting to feel I don't actually want to do anything as inertia and procrastination is easier to deal.

lavender ... did you manage to get another solicitor? the one you had was not that good from all you said.

Also, if you procrastinate it'll only let him win and slowly get back to the way it was. Everyone is right - you have to grasp this nettle at the moment to keep GOING. I can well believe that at -this- moment nothing is easy and free from worry and possible extra misery, but you've got that anyway if you let him worm his way back in. It -will- get easier but now is the hard time.

Please, if you possibly can arrange a bit of time each day just for yourself and keep being strong. You left him in the first place - you are strong!

Can you threaten him with reporting him to the authorities in the ME for having an affair?

Utterly, absolutely not I would never do that. I don't have definitive proof anyway and tbh it would be extremely unhelpful and very inflammatory.

I'm just waiting and getting my ducks in a row over here as best I can. Expect the worst but hope for the best.

Well, he's here soon, so I am thinking about getting advice on how to keep safe even if he's not staying ( which is not happening )
Who would be good to talk to about that? I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I don't want to get caught out. Would the police be helpful or a dv agency? Or am I over reacting?

Hi Lavender
No, not overreacting. Call police non-emergency number 101. Here's my hand to hold xx

Thanks fluffy:) I can't believe this is really happening tbh. I'm going to call later.

He also wants access to my banking to find out what I've been spending money on. I've said no, but surely he can't ask for that?

I know very little of these things but frankly, hell no! Even happily married couples with separate bank accounts don't have any legal right to demand access to each other's bank accounts. DH and I have separate bank accounts. He wouldn't dream of asking for access to mine.

He can ask for it and just as you have done - you can tell him feck off!!!
Keep telling him that.
It's none of his business what you do with your money.
I agree with PP, call 101 ask for the DV unit and tell them all your worries.
Hand holding here. It's not going to be easy but you'll do great!
Keep calm and keep going.

No, you're not overreacting.

No, he can't look at your bank account.

Don't under any account give him the childrens' passports.

In your shoes I'd be planning to meet him only in public places actually - he sounds very likely to start shouting at you or being nasty and there is no earthly way you should have to put up with that. this is easy to say and perhaps very hard to do, but it might be better to not let him in your house.

Lavender I can only begin to imagine how scared you feel. But gird your loins for the final push.

No he cannot stay. No he cannot look at your bank account. No he cannot force you to do anything. He has lost that control over you.

I second the poster that said to keep the kids' passports safe. Maybe leave them with a friend so that even if he pressurises you, yih cannot give them.

Good luck. We are all here, on your side, cheering you on

I lost track of your thread Lavender. Just dropping in to let you know I'm also here standing shoulder to shoulder with you. Hope your ex's visit isn't too stressful.

Thanks- I've made calls and they said if there's any trouble just call. So I have to stop fretting and get on with other things atm. Which is quite hard but worrying won't help.

One technique I try to use is to "park" an issue. Not ignoring it, just put it to one side to think about later.

Hope you're ok. Stay safe

Sending you lots of positive vibes lavender. You're doing great. Just remember that you don't have to give him any information you don't want to give him. Keep passports safe, refuse to engage in discussions, call 101 if you feel vulnerable and come here as often as you need for hand-holding and sense-checking.

yes, give the passports to a friend or put them somewhere they'll be hard to retrieve.

also, if he asks / tells you to do anything, such indeed as look at your bank account, put him off until you can check if he -really- has the right to do that. Ive got the feeling he'll tell you he's entitled to and you may half-believe him - but he is far from an expert on english law and he'll try to hoodwink or confuffle you into something that you don't have to do.

What happened about your solicitor? are you still with the same one?

Been advised not to file for divorce whilst he's here.

He has asked ds if he can share his room when he's here and will ds make up a bed for him etc. ds beside himself with joy.

Am so angry I could scream:(