Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Lavender everyone on the thread is saying the same.
Please listen, you do not want him staying with you - that is madness.

Also, you could put yourself to a lot of trouble and heartache to keep him on side, only for him to fail to meet his financial obligations once he's safely back in the ME. As others have said, plan to be self-sufficient & if he pays up, it will be a bonus.

You can pacify him as much as you like and there is still no guarantee he will pay a penny towards the dc.

Have you started a CTC claim as a single parent? Whatever he is contributing at the moment is maintenance and could stop at any time.

What docmcstuffin said! with nobs on.

He is fucking with you. He is controlling you with the kids. As I and everyone else said waaay up there^^ he doesn't give two hoots about them they are just a way to control you.

Lavender I'm sure what is so hard for you is that you have been so condition to apease him now that he has less control on you it seems so much better you can't see the woods for the trees that he still is manipulating you massively.

He isn't a positive role model in your dc lives so if it ends up being that they build a relationship with him as adults because he refuses to put them first and come here to visit them etc. then so be it - that is not your fault. That is him, not you.

Tweedledi, yes, I suppose so:(

I'm not going to get back with him, which he knows even if he finds it hard to accept. I don't see how he is manipulating me. What does he get out of it? Manipulating me to do what? Sorry I am being dense but I just don't see.

He will only be here for about 2 weeks. Then we won't see him for another year.

Manipulating you to play happy families, he can say he's seen the dc play at superdad whilst not actually doing anything.

He's playing nicely at the moment but once you allow him in your home he won't. Or perhaps he'll take the dc and not return them on time to make you suffer.

He will not return the consideration ever.

He is manipulating you by threatening not to visit at all if you don't put him up at your place, knowing this will hurt you and likely cause you to let him have his way because you care so deeply for your children and are bending over backwards to facilitate their relationship. That he would even threaten this tells you everything you need to know about where your children sit in his priorities. It is really sad that you are unable to see this for yourself, but worse still that you are trying to defend him when it has been pointed out to you. How much longer are you going to let this man dictate how you live your life? (Note: this isn't about the children for him.)

He comes across as a highly self-centred person with a disproportionate sense of entitlement and power, and an inability to consider his children's needs above his own.

You, however, are empathic, kind, and with a high sense of personal integrity.

And that is why you can't get your head around why he wouldn't be reasonable in return.

He is manipulating your belief to get, and do, exactly what suits him. He won't change. Why would he?

Stop pacifying him and placating him and pandering to his demands. Do not let him stay in the house when he visits, it doesn't matter whether it's for 2 weeks or two days, the answer is NO. He is emotionally abusive to you and the children and it will not be all happy families when he visits so don't kid yourself.

You are divorcing (are you not). You have separated physically, now do it emotionally. If he can afford to fly the children here there and everywhere, then he can afford a B&B.

You need to make it very very clear that you have separated and that there is no going back and he cannot stay in the house. All the abusive emails, phone calls, SYKPE will just emanate itself on to your doorstep when he arrives and neither you or those children need to be privy to that.

I don't know what else I can say to him to get him to stay elsewhere for 3 weeks. He is already pissed off I won't let him use my car. But he has given in for this one.

He says I am being obstructive by not letting him stay and spending money on accommodation that he could be spending on the children. He says he is determined to spend every minute with them. The trouble is, I'm off work for two weeks and I can't change it. I am given my holiday dates and my heart sank.

When I said I didn't want a bad atmosphere for the dc he said it would me causing it by being unable to accept he needs to see the dc and he plans to be with them all the time as he hasn't seen them for 7 months.

I'm actually quite nervous of him being there all that time, possibly going through my stuff and coming in drunk/ drinking anyway and trying to sleep with me. Or worse really. He's never been violent before to me but he has been violent towards other men in the past.

I am really stressed. Its horrible and I'm getting short of breath myself when I think of the time he will be here. I don't know if I'm letting mn and a couple of friends scare me unnecessarily or they are right to be scared for me:(

You don't need to say anything to him other than you are not staying here. That's all!

And if you're scared about what might happen, that's even more reason not to have him in your house.

Sorry new to this but you know he definitely will go through your stuff and behave like an arse, don't you? Then tell the dc that mummy's being mean to daddy?

I beg you do not let this man stay. Ffs you're concerned he will try to rape you! He's a grown up person. Let him make his own arrangements. You owe him nothing at all.

You could be frank with your solicitor about your fears. They should then have a more realistic picture of situation than perhaps you have given them (?) and advise you properly.

Is there even a small risk of exposing your children to an unacceptable scenes? Drunken abuse? Attempted rape? I think you have to try to evaluate this likelihood.

Consider whether if on balance it is better to face up to this conflict of interests now (his vs. you and the children), or a just delay a worse case scenario.

You can tell him no, he needs to make other arrangements. Repeat as necessary. He is trying to bully you. He is trying to manipulate you. You do not have to allow him to do so.

He needs to rent a cottage nearby. End of! If you are fearful about what might happen you absolutely must not let him stay in YOUR home. All of the stuff you've mentioned can happen nearby without you putting him up. Time to get firm with him.

Lavendar the very fact you have concerns is enough if a reason. No one would be staying with me if I felt as panicky as you do, whoever they were

Please listen to your own intuition

I've just read this whole thread and, honestly, I feel quite scared for your and your DCs' safety. I think your ex sounds unpredictable and there's no way on God's green earth I'd be allowing him to say in my house when he visits. A Premier Inn is only £29 per night. Surely he will move heaven and earth to afford it if his prime motivation is to see his kids - which unfortunately I don't think it is. If he stays with you, my bet is he'll be expecting sex. If you aren't amenable then I really do worry about the consequences. Stay strong OP xx

Right, so if he says he could be spending the money on the kids instead of accommodation, that means he can afford the accommodation.

You don't want him in your house - that's fine. You don't need reasons or concerns to justify it; it's your house, not his, so you choose who's allowed in. You need to keep your house as your sanctuary; don't risk tarnishing how you feel in your home long-term with potential arguments and bad memories in it. Keep it just for you and your kids.

You are within your rights, if you so wish, to tell him to find himself other accommodation, use the bus when he's here, pick the kids up at X o'clock and drop them off at Y o'clock each day, not invite him in and have two glorious weeks of leisurely coffees, trips to museums or whatever you want to do with your time while you're off work and the kids are with him. You don't have to be there all the time and you don't have to feel guilty about it - he needs to step up and parent the children on his own.

None of this should be about fear of what he will say or do (to be honest, I would imagine that if you genuinely didn't have any fears about your husband's potential behaviour, the opinions of anonymous posters wouldn't sway you), it should be about clearly stating your boundaries in your new life and being clear (to both of you and to the children) that you now operate separate lives.

I would think that if you draw the lines that need drawing, stop letting him play the puppet master by basing all your actions and decisions on his wants, you will find you gradually start to free yourself and your stress levels reduce.

It is not your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between him and his children. It is also not your responsibility to promote a relationship with his family. This is all your exh's job.

Your home is your sanctuary. Do not let him in. You know that he will take it as an opportunity to bully you into submission.

He wasn't so fussed about wasting money (or seeing the children for that matter) when he was out on the piss and shagging about. He is trying to make everything your responsibility. It is not. HE has to deal with this. Let him get on with it and stop talking to him about anything beyond the children.

I really hope you find the courage to stand up to him. You deserve to be happy too.

Not to mention how confusing it would for the dc to see him staying with you. Surely that would just be that nothing has changed, daddy just works away not that mummy and daddy are seperated and are divorcing and will never be sharing a house again.

If you put your foot down and he chooses not to visit the dc all that does is confirm it's about controlling you not having a relationship with them.

Reading all your kind and helpful posts this makes me worry even more.

It struck a chord with the coming and going as he pleases, playing super dad and expecting me to do everything and be grateful. Just like before then.

I'm going to have to think of a way to do it, and I don't want to antagonise him although I think that ship has sailed tbh. I want him to realise its for the best and best for the dc. He's looking for an argument all the time now, asking me over and over what has he done wrong. And I say we've had this conversation and I'm not having it again - And then tells me I can't even speak calmly and discuss it. I don't want to. But I can turn skyoe off.

He really enjoys doing this. I think he's looking forward to cornering me and physiologically destroying me for a few weeks.

He really enjoys doing this. I think he's looking forward to cornering me and physiologically destroying me for a few weeks.

Bingo! Don't let him dictate terms.

You have summed it up there, that is why he must not be in your home ever.

He is a mean nasty controlling abusive bully - he is getting off on this.

Honestly he won't ever put the dc needs before his own, I rarealy say this but I think they may be better off with no contact unless he suddenly sorts himself out.

You and your dc want the fantasy dad, the ones you can pretend he is whilst absent, the reality is very painful but needs to be faced up to IMHO. Most of all by you, I think your dc need protecting from him tbh.

I can't sleep for worrying about it all. I think I'll call my solicitor tomorrow and think of how I can protect myself.
He wants to have the dc all day everyday. I don't want this, its too much really. I don't want him there, hanging round and spoiling things.

And also I don't want the memory of him in the house, you're right.