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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 13/05/2014 06:58

Hope you managed to get to sleep, Lavender. A chat with your solicitor sounds helpful, but I think it's important for you to be honest about the fears/concerns you expressed to us. Your solicitor needs to understand that hosting your H is not on the cards & advise on that basis.

Generally, IME, it is not uncommon to feel sick and anxious about starting to assert yourself with someone like your husband, but it will get easier & you will start to feel stronger and trust your instincts again. Push through this discomfort, lovely - you'll feel so much better in the long run.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 13/05/2014 07:25

No, I've been awake for hours:(

I will send him an email too. On Skype he just stares at me or tells me I am being horrible and refusing to let him see the children. He says I am being nasty and he is determined to stay.

I just don't want him here. His name is on the tenancy.

I am exhausted with the worry. I don't want to feel I can't have a bath in case he barges in, and is just there in the house making loaded comments and making me realise all over again how much I dislike him and I wish I'd never met him.

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 13/05/2014 07:56

Please be really honest with your solicitor and give them the chance to advise you more appropriately.

And if they are still advising you to let him stay then they are not on your team, and are just fee merchants. Dump them and get a SHL (hassle in the short-term, empowering in the long-term).

Whocansay · 13/05/2014 08:09

Discuss NOTHING with him on Skype. He is using this as a tool to bully you. Skype is for him to contact the children, not you. Only discuss via email, so you have proof of the conversation, and try to keep topics to children / divorce only.

Meerka · 13/05/2014 08:48

^
He really enjoys doing this. I think he's looking forward to cornering me and physiologically destroying me for a few weeks.^

THIS is where he's being manipulative.

He gets off on bullying you for heavens sake. Some people are like that. You wrote it yourself - you thought he was a nice person, but he isn't. Even your solicitor thinks he's unstable.

Please Lavander do not, not, not let him into your house. Unfortunately some of the advice your solicitor is giving sounds rahter as if it's not in your best interests because you are simply setting yourself up to be bullied and your children manipulated.

Granville72 · 13/05/2014 09:24

When is he visiting Lavender?

Surely (unless its the summer hols) the children will be at school everyday?

As others have said (and myself) if your solicitor still suggests he stay with you then they are not doing their job and keeping your and your children's interest at the forefront and are just fee merchants and dragging it out.

Remember, YOU are paying them. THEY work for YOU, not the other way round. Personally I think they've given you some rather unsound advice so far.

Horsemad · 13/05/2014 11:26

Lavender, at the risk of sounding unsympathetic (truly, I'm not) please stop bending over backwards to accommodate this tosser's demands.

You hold all the cards here. Learn to say NO and do not let him stay with you when he visits the UK.

You have come so far. Change your solicitor also. Where are you vaguely? Maybe other posters can recommend some really good sols for you.

I wish you well but you must stop wimping out and see him for what he is.

RandomMess · 13/05/2014 21:42

Ultimately you could refuse any contact and let him take you to court. How hard do you really think he would fight to see them?

You could ask for supervised contact due to his treatment of the dc's health issues and his lack of relationship with them in terms of hands on parenting. Everything you say about him bothers/worries me Sad

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 14/05/2014 12:56

The solicitor said as his name is on the tenancy I cannot refuse entry. She said to contact the police if he starts anything. In practise, how does one do that? Realistically, how do you call the police if your stbexdh is hell bent on violence/ rape?

I can't believe I am asking this. I'm going to ask him again to stay elsewhere and appeal to him not to do this. Even if he promised to be amicable its still awkward- dinner, laundry etc. I don't want to play married for 3 weeks.

OP posts:
BIWI · 14/05/2014 13:47

Don't 'ask' or 'appeal' - tell.

Doesn't matter what the solicitor said. You are worried about violence therefore he is not welcome.

RandomMess · 14/05/2014 18:35

What BIWI said, you do genuinely fear violence from him. Tell him he's not welcome. If he threatens you then that is just further evidence why you are not safe to let him into YOUR home.

TweedleDi · 14/05/2014 18:45

I'm really sorry, but I think you need to consider that your solicitor isn't going to do a good job for you, and is not going to act primarily in your interests. I'm presuming that you put them fully in the picture.

Why don't you post in legal and see what the opinion is there? You could ask for recommendations about how to recognise a potential SHL.

Also, consider ringing 101 to have your concerns logged. It would be a proportional and sensible action given the background and the potential for this going pear-shaped on you.

DustBunnyFarmer · 14/05/2014 18:52

Yes, might be helpful to discuss the tenancy issue with your local DV unit or Women's Aid. This must come up all the time, so there must be provision for relationship breakdown. They may also be able to advise about local solicitors who will fight your corner. Current one sounds crap and rather too complacent given the concerns you are raising, TBH. Thinking of you lavender.

Granville72 · 15/05/2014 12:53

I'm seriously wondering about you Solicitor and the advice they are giving. You fear for your safety and they STILL think you should let him stay just to keep the peace and placate him so he pays up?

I'd be telling them to shove their advice where the sun doesn't shine.

Yes he may be on the tenancy, but that does not mean you have to let him sleep under the same roof or take his shit.

You really need to toughen up and start to learn to say a very firm NO

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 15/05/2014 14:24

I haven't gone away, I'm still reading posts ( thx) and thinking. I don't want any drama at all.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/05/2014 15:59

If you don't want any drama then don't let him stay.
He has to find somewhere else.
If that means he doesn't come over at all then so be it.

It's so sad seeing you trying to accomodate this awful, vile person.
Think about YOU now!! Not HIM.

You are not saying he can't see the kids, just that he can't stay with you.
Blimey, if my ex came over and demanded to stay I'd be onto the police before you could say 'ODFOD'!!!

TweedleDi · 15/05/2014 16:12

I think you probably mean you don't want any conflict at all? (Drama is to exaggerate the importance of a minor problem or incident).

Conflict is inevitable when you have two individuals with such opposing agendas. He wants the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo was not in yours, or your children's interests, was it? So change must happen. Of course he will resist this, with all means possible. This is understandable, but doesn't mean that you have to dance to his tune any more :-)

It might help you to weigh up things by thinking about where you'd like to be in your life in a years time. Children settled, divorced, with boundaries established and respected? Then work back to where you are now, and see what needs to be done to get there, and what you need to do.

Short-term appeasement won't get you there. Resolution and a SHL will.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 15/05/2014 16:42

Yes I do mean conflict! I hate confrontation. I do hold my own and don't back down when I'm in it, unless I'm scared then I will say anything to get away. I don't change my mind though. Unfortunately now, I'm in a corner and I have to face it.

Change - I suppose I should think of it like that, lose the emotion and write a plan. Or a mind map. And then think how to do it for the future instead of just dealing with it for now

Added to which he is already getting the dc all excited at daddy coming and taking them out. I have to tell the dc dh and I will never live together again. He wouldn't get involved at all when I had to tell them we were leaving dubai and all their friends/ school/ home and going to the UK where everything would be new. So I need to pre empt any expectations.

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 15/05/2014 17:07

A written plan is an excellent idea. If mind-mapping works for you, then do it. It will help you identify key issues, solutions available to you, desired outcomes, in an objective and efficient manner.

Do you mean that the children do not yet realise that the marriage is over?

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 15/05/2014 17:46

That's right. I thought it was too much for them to deal with at the time, what with a country move, new schools, etc. they had only lived in the UAE. Dh refused to get involved with telling them this or dealing with questions.

I'm going to tell them to cut off an potential avenue of manipulation. Then they won't expect me to go on days out etc and I can tell dh I've done it. He won't want to get involved in doing it, and will try to assign blame as in the past, so its best if I do it and make sure they know its nowt to do with them.

Because he will do all the " mummy doesn't want daddy anymore" shit.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 15/05/2014 17:46

Well wishing lurker de-lurking to try and help, but I admit I am not as knowledgeable as some ladies on here.

Your ex wants to see the children and is determined to stay in the house. Legally as his name is on the tenancy he can come and go in the house. Why don't you say something like - well, you have said you are staying here, but as our marriage is fucked it is wrong for me to stay with you, so I've made up the bed, the kids' schedules are on the fridge, the nearest supermarket is in x direction, I'll be back when it's time for you to leave and then head off and stay somewhere nearby, safe and not known to him, taking all important documents with you. This will show you how determined he is to spend time with the kids.

Also I suggest you change your solicitor and find a way to get a place that is just in your name.

You should not sit around and wait to be attacked.

Good luck.

TweedleDi · 15/05/2014 18:30

I agree, it is best that you do tell them. You can do it in an age-appropriate way and with gentle honesty.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 16/05/2014 07:57

I'm going to tell the dc next time they talk about him coming.

Lisamed, I've been thinking and I'm not going to move out of my house so he can stay there with the dc- I don't see why I should be disrupted and he have my house to stay in whilst I pay up for a hotel!

I'm going to see another solicitor next week. Also, everytime he calls ( which is quite random and not daily, so often very inconvenient and he gets arsy when I say so!) I will say again he really ought to stay elsewhere. Perhaps it will sink in a bit better. If I don't mention it again, even after having said no, he will just ignore me:(

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 16/05/2014 08:39

How about "you will have to stay elsewhere" rather than "ought to" - so that he doesn't assume that it is optional?

Well done :-) you're finding your inner person and mama tiger strength Thanks

DustBunnyFarmer · 16/05/2014 10:59

I second what TweedleDi said. Tell him. Don't appeal to his better nature - he's not really provided any evidence of late that he has one.

Also, for the purposes of a thought experiment, imagine that - since separation - you'd met the love of your life and were in a new relationship. Would it be appropriate for him to stay then? No, because your life had moved on & he has no place being in your home. Now take away the erstwhile boyfriend. Same thing - your life has moved on, he has no place being in your home. Don't allow him to establish arrangements, expectations or dynamics now which will become increasingly problematic as time apart goes from months to years. Marriage over, no more cohabitation.

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