my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

It sounds like he is being very unsympathetic, rude and undervaluing your role. Just because your children, who are still very young, are at school full-time doesn't mean they don't benefit from having their mum at home when they get back from school. Then there are the holidays and sick days. It's not always easy to get back into the workplace after a break, particularly if you are looking for something that fits in around your children.

Could you go away for a couple of days and see how your DH gets on?
My children are not yet of school age but I'm sure I could easily fill the days with housework, gardening, cooking, sorting things out and ensuring that the weekends were more enjoyable.

Oh ok, you're using quite a lot of paid childcare then.

And you have a DH who can do drop offs. And you do housework after work.

I'm old and knackered and useless after putting the kids to bed (they are 8 and 10 and go to sleep at 8.30 and 9pm. By the time stories are read it's 9.30/10 and I'm finished for the day).

I really couldn't work full time and keep a happy house going. Not enough energy. I have friends who do it and most of them are ridiculously tired with the relentlessness of having to do all the housework/cooking/homework/etc after getting back from work, or at the weekend.

But I suppose it's a matter of what you feel your time is worth, how much energy you've got, and how much you love your job. I can't see DH being able to cope with doing chores in the evening (which he'd have to do every night if I was working full-time. He is absolutely swaying on his feet with tiredness when he gets in at 7pm after a long day and a commute.

maleview70 - I think it depends where you live.

We are in the Midlands. My DH works and I have been a carer for 5 years (so I do get Carers Allowance). We live frugally and although my DH earsn a good wage now, for a while we were living on his full time wages, which were not much more than your wife brings home.

I absolutely agree with kerala - having a 5 year gap in your CV is not going to help anyone get a job fast.

Minifingers we don't use paid childcare except in holidays (DH and I both work flexibly). I agree it is tiring. But like a poster upthread I think I would be bored with only the house stuff to occupy myself. (and can't see how it would remotely near fill the day anyway)

For us, a big motivator is that neither DH's or my job is that stable (and frankly what job is in the current environment?). We have at several points toyed with the idea of my being a SAHM and we always come back to - what if DH lost his job, what sort of job could I expect to find after x years out of the workplace (the problem the OP is hitting now). We may be a bit tired at night, but at least we know that if one of us was made redundant we would still have a wage to rely on. I would take a bit of tiredness over financial worries any day.

Red - I've spent 2 hours cooking, 40 minutes shopping, an hour walking the dog and a couple of hours working today. I'm about to pick up the children. That's pretty typical for me. If I wasn't working for that 2 hours I have cupboards to turn out, DIY to do, a garden to care for. I never, ever get to the bottom of my 'to do' list. There is so much more to running a home than what a cleaner will do in a couple of hours.

Which is why rich people employ f/t housekeepers.

... and you see I look at that list and think that (other than the dog) those aren't things you do every day. Shopping is once or twice a week, cooking doesn't have to be 2 hours if you don't have 2 hours, and do you really have that much DIY? Maybe I just live in a smaller house that needs less doing to it, but I would genuinely struggle to write a to do list that would take me more than a couple of weeks to get through if I had all day to devote to it.

To be fair, I could be doing a lot more whilst I'm off. I could be cleaning cupboards out etc but the I'm just too lazy! I could never be self employed I just don't have the discipline and I am grateful that I don't have to work full time, I would be knackered then!

Minifingers I really don't want to turn this into a competition but as a FT working parent i struggle to see how running a house can take so long - it's something I do in my spare time!

I got up at 7am, unloaded the washing machine and hung it out (set it on timer overnight).
I arranged someone to come and fix the boiler.
i did the weeks shopping online whilst watching musketeers last night. I've been at work since 9.15 so have done 5 hours work. Today I nipped out to post a letter, this is the only break I have had (beyond reading this thread! ) and is much more than I have had the last few weeks. I do between 40-60 hours a week outside the home. I have a cleaner who also irons and she does this in 4 hours a week.

Red sky - I don't have all day. I have about 3 hours a day after dog walking/having lunch/minor errands.

Can't sell up and buy a smaller house. I have 4 bedrooms and 3 dc. One with ASD. They can't share.

My house is a crumbling and quite big Edwardian terrace though and never seems to get to the point where it doesn't need work. I also don't like buying veg and bread twice a week - I prefer fresh food.

Op did you and your dh agree exactly for how long you would be a sahm? Because he must see that if you have a large gap on your cv then it will be harder to get a job; and this gap was his decision as well as yours.

How many dc's do you have?

I don't do online shopping - ended up throwing too much food away. Like to see what's in the shops and what looks good.

But I appreciate most people want to get cooking and shopping done in a hurry. I don't. It's a quality of life issue for me.

Exactly minifingers it is a choice - you choose a fairly easy life (which is what you mean by quality of life I think, to some extent?). I don't begrudge this at all - it is a choice and good for you, as long as your DP shares the decision. But it is an easier life than working and doing it all. And working and doing it all is entirely possible. Just a bit harder, more of a military operation.

OK, you see if I were a SAHM I would have about 7 hours between dropping DC off at school and them getting home. Even allowing an hour to walk the dog that gives me 6 hours. Lunch takes 15 minutes and minor errands aren't every day, surely?

I think choices have been made though. We have actively chosen to live close to our jobs (in an area that is fine but others would turn their noses up at), and decided not to pursue better paid jobs in London as we value quality of life/family time over spending hours commuting.

We freeze bread and get a veg box. Even if I had time I wouldn't choose to spend it shopping more frequently (yes, another choice).

I guess we have also chosen (though not deliberately, just the house we happened to like) to live in a house that doesn't need much doing to it. I guess this is something we would outsource if we had to.

"But I appreciate most people want to get cooking and shopping done in a hurry. I don't. It's a quality of life issue for me."

I am going to fall about laughing hysterically at this to save myself spitting with rage.

Ahhh well this thread is degenerating intofull time mums ganging up on sahp as usual (Im a WAHP so fall into neither camp)

Good for all of you that have jobs which will pay for holiday care/cleaners and helpful available friends and family to fill in where needed. Not ALL jobs make this cost effective, some time it makes both practical AND financial sense for a parent to take a break. It sounds like the ops H has decided to move the goalposts halfway through the game. Part time does sound logical for you but there is a lot of competition out there in this climate so just keep applying.

As for all the people saying "I work full time, cook dinner, help with homework ..." Personally id be resentful myself in the extremely unlikely event my life were to be running that way. Why arent your men pulling their weight?

Easy? I'm up at 6 and asleep and in bed at about 11.30. I'm doing things ALL day - I have sat down to mumsnet but otherwise not sat down at all. That's normal for me. I walk quite a few miles every day with dog and kids. I'm physically tired by bedtime. Maybe that's my age, having a child with ASD or something. Don't know.

Re: falling about laughing - what's wrong with enjoying food shopping and cooking?

Red sky - most state schools are 9 to 3.

I suppose I organise my time in the week differently to most because my p/to work is evenings and weekends.

"Ahhh well this thread is degenerating intofull time mums ganging up on sahp as usual"

Aaargh - got sucked into this 'competitive business' thing!

I blame the Conservatives, with their 'hardworking families' mantra. It's had some sort of hypnotic effect on the country.

Okay working mums, I'll confess: I've had coffee with my friends 3 times in 4 weeks, sometimes drive to a park three miles from my house to walk my dog because it's nicer, have engaged in unnecessary baking, do sometimes cook elaborate meals midweek, have had the odd afternoon nap.

flagellates self

admits to being a pointless dilettante

gazes in awe at all the properly busy people

I don't know about most people but when dcs were little, by the time everyone's up and out of the house I'd be exhausted and just flump for a while.

I would spend the day recovering/shopping/generally doing stuff in a not particularly productive or financially beneficial way until they get home from school and it all kicked off again for another 6 hours, after which time I would flump again until the next morning.

"And working and doing it all is entirely possible. Just a bit harder, more of a military operation."

Yes - a military operation.

I don't want to live like I'm under a state of siege - where everything falls apart if you're ill, or things don't go to plan. Don't know why anyone does unless they have to because they're skint, they adore their jobs, or they adore having lots of spending money. Me not working buys both me and DH time. Not just for me but for him. And it buys my kids time with me and him where we're not distracted by having to do stuff. I feel like I can't put a price on that.

I kind of resented the assumption it was better for me to "return to my career" shit job when the profit margin was minimal for me and the majority of people I would have to leave my children with were less educated.

There is no right or wrong choice (the government do not have your well being at heart in encouraging this, they just want you paying tax)

I can totally understand wanting to return to a glittering successful career although I have been asked a number of times by a few of those parents "could you have .... as I have an early/late/unexpected meeting/have to go to London for work" so they don't all have it as under control as they would have us believe.

Although I will say it always pays to have a "B plan" in case your partner turns into one of the arse holes you read about in Relationships!

"Re: falling about laughing - what's wrong with enjoying food shopping and cooking? "

nothing is wrong with it. But the haughty tone in which you express your "choice" is hilarious, or annoying.

To me, it sounds similar to

"I know that some people choose to buy ready made clothes and dress as cheaply as possible. For me, it is a quality of life issue, and I prefer to have everything made bespoke"

You make it sound as if people who dash from one place to another all week and don't have time to drift around delighting that the rhubarb is in now, just don't appreciate nice things

The OP wasnt forced into quitting her job to stay home and it doesnt sound like she is trying very hard to gain work again.

I'd be resentful if DH was home all day whilst DS was at school but expetced me to go out to work so enable him to do that.

It always amazes me that so many believe their partners cannot work without them home and so they believe they are enabling their career, DH can do his job with or without me home just the same as I can do mine.

Thousands of couples both work, parent and look after a house. It doesnt take that many hours a week to clean and pay a few bills.

I must be doing something wrong. I manage to work fulltime without any of this military organisation, up at dawn stuff. I fall out of bed at 7, chivvy the kids off to school- used to walk them there but don't need to any more- and get to my desk between 8.30 and 9. I work till 5.30 then go home at 6 to take over from my carer.

My carer and the lady who cleans for 6 hours a week between them do all the washing, ironing and housework. I get the food shop online.

From 6pm is family time. Weekends are for enjoying.