my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

I can understand the desire to have some down time after the workload of having small children at home all day plus the house, cooking etc. it's not particularly hard work but it's unrelenting! The 24/7 element is what it makes you desperate for a few hours to drink coffee and get your hair done. Nothing at all wrong with that.

I'm assuming your DH doesn't do anything childcare or house/cooking at the weekend either?

Two words. Part time! It's the only sensible option. 2-3 days per week is a nice way of earning extra money for the family (maybe holidays or treats?) plus you get those days where you can go out, see friends, do a hobby.

See if DHs attitude improved then as he should be less disrespectful. If there are still problems with his attitude, you will need to look deeper.

I've only worked full time on a couple of occasions since my DC started school and it really is the best of both worlds.

My first back to work job was at the weekend and DH had to do childcare etc. he soon learned it wasn't as easy as he thought!

Excellent idea Sneezecake - OP, get a Saturday job! And a Sunday one!

And if you get any extra work make sure it's on a day when there is an INSET day at schoool or you have two dentist appointments that DH needs to take them to.

I think the weekend job sounds a great idea. Any bar work going? Just take anything to get back into working and meeting new people. He'll realise how hard looking after dcs are too and it may make him respect you more (again)?

How do you feel about him coming and going as he pleases? Do you get to go out and meet your friends on a night or do you do it during the day?

I think your DH's attitude is shocking to be honest. Yes it is hard to be the sole earner in a family but unless you are really not trying to get a job he is being an arse. He seems to forget the things you have given up to stay at home and raise HIS children (yes I know they are yours as well just making a point ;)). You have given up on your own career progressing as it could have done and now you have to base your life around everyone else. Yes you can get a part time job but school holidays are 13 weeks (a quarter of each year!) and the cost of them will cancel out a lot of the work you do. Jobs in schools are hard to come by and competition is fierce. And if you have been out of the rat race for many years it is hard to get back in as people want constant experience as technology moves fast now as people aren't usually up to speed.

DH has far more respect for me than to ever speak to me or treat me like this. I feel bad for you.

As for work - have you looked into bookkeeping? I do this part time and it is fairly easy to pick up and working hours are usually pretty flexible. I do 4 days of school hours in term time then just do 3 longer days in the holidays.

I think there are two things going on here.

Your family employment situation.

Your DH treating you rudely/resentfully.

If someone finds their spouse's working situation unfair or unreasonable they can talk to them about it rather than being a shit.

Hi thestarryskiesabove,

So sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your relationship with your OH. I too have felt that feeling of resentment/contempt from my OH (although I think the root cause may be different) so I know what a horrible feeling that is to not feel that the work you do is valued.

If it makes you feel any better, I personally think your role is of enormous value, I get that the agreement was that you would return to work once the kids were older but it must be so hard having little support from your OH whilst you are trying to find a job and to have your stay at home role devalued in the way it seems he is doing.

I'm sad for you that you've hadn't to read some of the replies on here that further wish to devalue your role as a SAHP and make assumptions about the way you spend your days. I hope you let them bounce off you.

I'm afraid I don't know what to say re the way your OH is treating you, how do you feel about talking to him about the resentment you perceive from him? Telling him how you feel when you are treat with contempt? It sounds like it might be difficult for him to put him self in your shoes and recognise the enormously important job you do day in, day out, caring for the emotional and physical well being of your children. I'm really sorry that it seems like having open discussions about these sorts of things with your OH is difficult :(

Good luck, I hope things improve for you.

Hello OP

I can't advise really, except to say that until we get away from it being expected for both parents to be working cases like this will exist.
I think it sad that people think like this tbh, it should be your choice.
Do you want to be employed or would you prefer to be a sahm?

Reading the OP I think there are actually 2 problems here:

1. OP's DH does not value what she does and treats her with disdain (has he always done this? Or only since the DC started school?)

1. OP views what she does as equal to a full time job.

Neither of these are realistic views.

I would be most interested in how long the "disdain" has been carrying on? Is it a recent thing since DC started school? Can the OP genuinely say she has made a concerted effort to find a job? If the DH feels she is making little effort (and actually thinks that what she does is a full time job anyway) I can understand why he is annoyed.

I'm a SAHM and my DC are at school, in my opinion I have a much easier life than my DH but because we are both happy with our arrangement it works really well. If you and your DH both agreed you would stay home until DC were older (did he mean school age) then I can understand why he is resentful. I'd focus on discussions about how you are looking for work rather than who has the most busy life as I don't think that is constructive. Would you consider all types of work? I know it varies in different parts of the country but where I live it's quite easy to get care work which pays about 8 per hour. 12 hours a week may well pay the food bill and take the pressure of your DH.

I think it's perfectly understandable to feel stressed at being the sole breadwinner in a household.

I know I would hate that.

It would make me very anxious and it would make me feel trapped, I think.

So I would understand anyone, man or woman, who didn't want a family set up like that.

That said, there is no excuse for turing such feelings into resentment or rudeness or disdain. Couples need to talk about their feelings, not let them simmer...

"I was a full time mum for 5 years, 12 hours a day, 356 days a year, this is my first work break in my life"

But people who work are not full time parents? Do you have any idea how hard it is to work full time, commute (I had a 3.5 hour commute at some stage), come home absolutely exhausted, look after the children., cook dinner, do housework? And still I wouldn't dream of thinking I need a break, with several hours each day for months and months, just for myself. I find that extremely self indulgent. Of course not being able to find a job isa different matter, but thinking you deserve not too work I don't get....

But tugamommy - OP's husband is not doing what you did, from the information given. He's coming home to a house, children and dinner that is all looked after for him.

And as for "and still I wouldn't dream of thinking I need a break", you are sliding into martyrdom there.

' Do you have any idea how hard it is to work full time, commute (I had a 3.5 hour commute at some stage), come home absolutely exhausted, look after the children., cook dinner, do housework?'

So isn't it better that only one does that then? Why have two people all stressed out? Why not both share full time hours (20 each) or one do house/kids stuff and one work? Finances allowing of course.

I do everything to do with the house, and children, sunrise to sun down too, and I work FT too.

How do you look after the children before and after school and during the school holidays as well as working full time? Not many people have a job where they are able to look after the children while they work. Are you a childminder or something?

Op I think you need a long chat and a spreadsheet out with your husband. It is far from clear that you working, say part-time, would be a net benefit given holidays and sick days (it might be, you need to clarify this, depends on your wage/time of work) and it is far from clear that you returning to work full-time would have him stepping up to the plate doing 50% housework, childcare and weekend care.

If it all looks doable and he's fully on board, great, keep looking for a job. I reckon he just likes moaning and feeling a bit superior though (having scuppered your career by you having had many years out). Call him on that.

The point is people can't live on fresh air. And unless mutually agreed both people should pull their weight financially when possible. Otherwise of course resentment will be there if one person is compelled to be financially responsible for the other who chooses not to have a paid job. When you are in a partnership these things have to be agreed.

OP wrote " it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked" so I think it's a bit misleading to say "of course resentment will be there if one person is compelled to be financially responsible for the other who chooses not to have a paid job. When you are in a partnership these things have to be agreed."

It was agreed. OP is now looking for paid work, not choosing to not have a paid job.

Surely the Op has just as much resentment that she's now finding it difficult to get a job?

Since she's spent 5 years enabling her dh's career, by taking care of all the home and child stuff, now it's his turn. Dh can put his career on hold and take care of the home stuff, when you get a job, you can dedicate your time to your work life.

That would be my suggestion anyway.....

I think you are both in transition. Both of you agreed that being at home FT with pre-school kids was a full-time job. It sounds as if you have both agreed that being at home FT with school-aged kids isn't a fulltime job. I would agree with that, and so would most ppl here with both FT jobs and school-aged kids.

But from your first post, I think you said you are happy to go back to work. The disagreement seems to be about how you get treated in the job-seeking phase.

Perhaps, as pp have said, he doesn't think you are making enough serious effort to find work? in that case, I could see how he might get snippy with you.

I didn't have that experience, because once we agreed it was time for me to go back to work, I found a job pretty quickly, by going back to my old employer.

If I had tried to argue that I had just been really busy for the past seven years (with three kids in four years, two disabled), and by the way lots of people in work have downtime during the day, he might well have called me on that. The kids are in school 9-3. That is 30 hours a week to do the school run and run the home. I do the school run and run the home on top of my full-time job, so I have 30 hours a week less than you do. If I get a break every day I am doing really well- no way do I get 30 hours a week "downtime".

impty but OP agreed to take time away from paid work while the DC were little - there is no indication that she was forced into this!

And I've never understood how a woman not working "enables" a man's career. Why would his career been any different if she'd not been a SAHP?

The problem is that job hunting is not instantaneous, especially nowadays.

It is going to take a bit of time, unless the OP is literally willing to do something on NMW and, depending on where they live, even that might take a while to find.

A couple might agree that a SAHP is going back to work, but must also accept that it might require a period of career planning, retraining, job-searching or volunteering to put into place.

Because he and the OP preferred one of them to stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked, so by staying home, the OP enabled him to be the one with an uninterrupted career. His career also wasn't interrupted by having to stay home with sick kids, inset days, snow days, rushing home to pick up the kids on time from nursery etc. Being able to work away if necessary.

redsky yes they both agreed therefore neither should feel resentment now, but if one does then why can't the other?

I don't work. As a result dh can work long hours, be away often and dedicate his time to his career. Ill child, school meetings, after school activities, housework, food, decorating, gardening, present buying, family commitments (and more) all fall to me not him.
When I did work dh had to do a lot more at home, but if he was asked to get on a plane to be away for the week it caused problems logistically. Our other option was to hire a nanny and cleaner and gardener to help take the burden off, which wasn't affordable at that time.
I have absolutely enabled my dh's career to reach a very high level. He is the first to acknowledge that.

His bosses may not have looked upon him so favourably for promotions if he needed time off when a child was sick/ hospital appointment/ child care emergency.

He had someone at home who could juggle all those things.