my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

I agree that he has to recognise that it takes serious effort to get back into work. I am sure that a joint plan to do that, which the OP then makes a proper start on, is the way to go.

I would advise the OP not to get diverted into "ppl at work have downtime too" and "I've just been really busy for five years". It makes her sound as if she isn't serious about going back to work. It's also going to annoy him, because ppl at work don't get that much downtime; and she has been pretty busy these last five years, but so has her OH.

OP.

When you get a job, what will be the split of chores, emergency childcare and school holiday childcare?

I presume that someone has already covered the whole '2 hours a day' thing?

Because that only covers getting the kids up and out to school for me (OK, and shoving a banana in, and getting dressed. If I want a shower before the school run I need to get up early though)

Not that this is about that. This is about him being nasty and demeaning. I really would take any weekend/evening job, just for a while, to get out of the house and let him have a chance to do some childcare too.

OP the first question is do you want to go back to work. If you are honest with yourself and it is a NO maybe that is being picked up by you DH hence the resentment.

If it is Yes and you are doing all you can to find work then you need to have a serious chat with him about his attitude.

Have you even spoken about logistics when you do go back to work as it sounds like the problem is communication which is not going to get better unless you both acknowledge it.

I also think the OP is getting a hard time. Both parents working FT will mean a considerable change for the OP's DH as he will then need to take on his fair share of the before school/after school/holidays/sick days childcare as well as 50% of the household care. I think many people working FT with a SAHP do none of this and therefore sometimes don't see it needs to be done. I am a SAHM now , but my husband was a SAHD for about 4 years before and when I was working and he was at home I did absolutely nothing other than work, which enabled my career to progress, now the reverse is true. If the OP goes back to work her DH needs to be prepared for the fact that she can call him and say sorry you need to leave now to do pick up because I am at work. I think a lot of working people with SAHPs forget the lack of flexibility involved in two working parents. What OP does is enable her DH to focus on work to both their benefit.

Well I can understand why he is resentful, I would be too. Although he doesn't sound like he's being very helpful on the job search front.

can I just say though, it's probably easier than you think to work, even just part time. I took voluntary redundancy a couple of months ago after working for the same company for 15 years, full time and then ptime once we had children. I have never been so bored in my life! All these sahms saying well i do the cooking, cleaning , gardening , present buying (!) Come on! I just cleaned our 3 bed semi top to bottom in 3 hours. So I won't really need to do much more cleaning this week. I'm at a bit of a loose end now tbh! Thankfully i start my new job next week to save me from this tedium.

my husbands career has never been hindered by me working. He's always been able to the days off to stay with a sick child as have i. Most employers are reasonable. Healso sometimes has to go abroad at a moments notice but we have childcare in place to help when I'm at work. Just takes a bit of thinking about. Don't you want to earn your own money?

It is perfectly possible for 2 working parents to manage to cover all the things that 1 working parent and a SAHP do. Yes, it needs a bit more juggling. Yes it needs more organisation. Unless both parents have really high flying jobs where they are flying off round the world at the drop of the hat, it's not generally as completely impossible as some people on here seem to be suggesting.

DH and I both work FT. This week he is working away from home. The house is clean, the children have gone to school, and will come home from school, do their homework and have a home cooked meal prepared from scratch. DS will go to cubs. If one child was suddenly taken ill I would manage that too. Frankly, not much different to how things would work out if I were a SAHM.

Mellie, what hours do you work?

I'd work more (I work part-time at the moment, evenings and weekends mostly - about 12 - 15 hours a week, for which I earn 12k a year) if I could find a job which started at 9.30 (to allow me time to drop my children at school) and finished at 2.45 (to allow me to pick them up), didn't need me to come in on school holidays, inset days or when my children are sick.

There don't seem to be huge numbers of these jobs going alas.

Have to say, I don't recognise the 'I can get everything done in the 5.5 hours between pick up and drop off and still have time to swan around doing nothing' scenario here. Maybe my house and family are bigger and messier than yours, maybe it's because I cook from scratch, give my kids a cooked breakfast and walk my dog every day. I have some days I loll around on mumsnet too much, but I always have to catch up the next day by starting my chores by 6am and not finishing until 10pm.

But hey ho, maybe I'm inefficient.

I think you need to stress to him how hard you are trying to find work and that it is very frustrating for you too, not to be able to find work.

The bigger issue, of course, is whether his attitude then continues after you've had that talk. And possibly even after you find a job. That's when you know nothing you ever do will be enough (speaking from bitter experience).

"it's not generally as completely impossible as some people on here seem to be suggesting."

No - you are right. If you both get up early, do chores at the weekends and batch cook, email/make calls/mumsnet while in the bath/on the bog, farm out a lot of stuff to other people (homework/music practice supervision, cleaning) and accept accept that you won't sit down and have any time to read or watch tv until 9pm or later every night (and maybe you're in bed at 10pm every night so you've got time to get up early enough to get all the stuff done you need to do before school) then I'm sure it's possible.

I'd rather be dead

The OP and her DP had agreed that she would work when the kids were older. The kids are older so she needs to find work.

He needs to see that she is trying hard to find work and he needs to support her, not resent her not managing to find work. I think we don't know from the OP how much she is visibly putting effort into finding something. Assuming she wouldn't think his resentment unjustified if she wasn't really trying to get a job.

Then once she is working he needs to do his share. I can well imagine in 6 months time the OP is back only it will be HER resenting HIM for not changing with the circumstances.

Mini not sure which perspective you are writing from, but I recognize that description in myself. I am exhausted working f/t with little support and if one of the kids was ill this week I'd be stuffed (as I have a job where it is difficult to take time off). Plus I only have one week of hols for the three weeks coming up- so either two weeks of paid for care or some serious juggling will be needed.

I would LOVE to have a person doing all the domestic stuff at home, school pick ups and general housekeeping. I don't sit down til late because of stacking the dishwasher, cleaning up, putting kids to bed and I am knackered. It wouldn't suit my husband at all to do this though, a third paid for person would have to be found.

I don't disagree the OP needs to get out there and look for work, what is annoying me is the lack of appreciation for the work that has been done (which massively benefits the out of home parent who has to take no time off for sickness/meal plan/do extensive housework when they get home at night) and the lack of sympathy for her current predicament. Lack of appreciation undermines a marriage, whatever the source.

If you are actively looking for work I don't really see what his problem is. He must know that if you a have taken time out to look after children jobs are harder to find especially if you are looking for something part time. It doesn't sound like money is a problem or you would have needed to work before.

Minifingers we don't farm out any of the things you suggest.

I have a repertoire of meals that take about 30 minutes to prepare and cook.

True we don't have time to sit and watch TV till 8.30, and sometimes 9, but that's because the DC don't go to bed till then and/or have clubs to go to so it wouldn't change if one of us was not working - we prioritise spending time with the children.

And I'm not sure what all this stuff is you have to get up early for to do before school. This morning I hang up some washing to dry and made packed lunches? Is that what you mean - it took about 15 minutes.

I think if you are a SAHM you get used to taking your time over things and - dare I say it- do things that really aren't necessary (e.g. DS's friend's mum gets his breakfast - cereal, lays out his uniform and packs his bag for school).

You're spot on about the martyrdom - it's cultural sadly. But I would find it really hard to justify to dh that he should go and do the job thing and I would be home and do the coffees and lunches thing with no stress, so that the house would be looked after and the dinner cooked and we could all relax in the evenings.

Of course it would be a lot easier and relaxing, easy weekends, no stress when the children are ill, when there's school assembly, dentist visits, nursery mother's day parties, etc, etc. But I really believe that women should work, not only for feminist reasons, but mostly because imho it is more important for my dc's lives that I am able to support them financially later on, with buying their first house for example, than being around when they're little which they probably won't remember much.

Of course this is assuming that the woman has a career that covers childcare and has a chance if progression.

Just out of interest how do people afford for one person to be at home? Does one person have to earn a huge amount of money? Do people live very frugally? Are mortgages small or paid off?

My Dw works part time and earns about £1000 a month and we couldn't survive without that. I earn decent money but could never see a way for her not to work as we don't save anything! Mortgage is only a couple of hundred a month too. Do we spend too much?

Oh and not sure where those 20h jobs are but definitely wouldn't be possible for us.

I'm a SAHM with DC at school. I'm mega busy between 7a.m and 10a.m, and 3.30p.m and and about 7p.m during the week. All the rest of the time is my time. I cook each evening, my house is immaculate, I just get all the my jobs done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

It doesn't matter how anybody chooses to fill their hours as a SAHP and what housework and stuff you manage to get done a bigger issue is when one half of the relationship i.e the OP's DH fails to respect that the other person has an equally valid contribution to the family that IMO signifies greater issues.

Why be resentful of something that is outside of the OP's control. They made a decision together that one of them would be a SAHP, as thinkaboutit said as long as the OP is trying to get back into employment it's really unfair for anybody to be treated in this way

minifingers I work 8.30-4.30 3 days a week. Husband takes do to nursery and d's to school and I pick them both up (d's goes to after school club) I don't believe as some people do that only parents can possibly look after their children, I'm happy for other people to help I know this doesn't work for everyone but it does for us.

We both have free time on an evening as soon as the kids are in bed so from about 7.30ish. If there is any cleaning to do or administrator we both do it. Oh and we both cook meals from scratch, it's not exactly hard. Although we don't have pets so we don't have that to bother with.

OP have you thought about doing administration work in a hospital. You could sign up for bank staff which means that you can tell them when you're available to work and when you're not.

Maleview, probably a mixture of all those things. My DH is a very high earner, we have a large mortgage and don't need to live frugally. When we did I went back to work part time for five years until DH's salary went up. I would go to work if we didn't have money for holidays, meals out and treats etc because it wouldn't be fair on my DH to work so hard and not have those things. We are lucky to be able to have a good lifestyle, lovely home, save money, make big pension contributions etc on one salary. But it only works because that is what we both want.

I think that we all have different lives and lifestyle's. Comparing how long it takes to clean and cook in one household to another is irrelevant.

This isn't a wohp or sahm arguement.

The facts remain if you have a partner at home, it IS easier to work out of the home and have a good work/life balance. If you choose to be a sahp, it DOES mean you will have to start again in the workforce.

I agree with the poster who suggested it was a period of adjustment at the moment. Understanding is needed not resentment.

I was absolutely deracinated following my two maternity leaves. I had hard pregnancies, and then the accumulative sleep deprivation of ebf, and the second time doing all the toddler stuff at the same time as the baby stuff (and moving house) - it all really wore me out. If I had done all that longer I would think it fair enough, if affordable, to have some headspace before going back to work.
Most WOH jobs are not 24 hours a day and do allow the person all night to sleep. A WOHP may share night time child stuff with their partner, but many don't if their partner is a SAHP (or can't if they are a man and the night stuff involves bfing).

If you are literally going to count it by "hours on duty" I think, when there are babies and small children involved, the SAHP is still "in credit" to the WOHP when the dcs start school. Not for ever. But to some extent.

If anyone should be resentful it should be the OP. They both agreed she would stay at home while the children were tiny thereby hampering her career. Now she is finding it hard to get a job as a result of something that she did to benefit the family - if anyone is stropping around it should be her.