my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Wordfactory you're too kind. I promise you I'd be on the couch with Heat magazine and a bacardi breezer

Yes it is probably a salary band thing. Dh when he is at home leaves the house at 6.30am and will not be back home till 7.30pm = 13 hours, sleep = 8hours so 3 hours to get up, dressed and breakfasted = 1 hour and when he is back in the evening by the time he has changed and had dinner he is in no fit state to do anything but collapse on the settee for an hour before bed. Weekends are to recharge his batteries before it all begins again. Dh is approaching 60 and I doubt he is going to change. Apart from his weekly ticket and taxi fares dh does not handle any money, everything goes into my account so it is up to me how to spend/save money.

I did notice when dc went to primary school that there were dads in the playground dropping or picking up. But these were dads who were mainly shift workers or worked for companies that allowed them time off to go and pick up or drop off dc. If dh ever asked his company he would need to do the school run a couple of days per week they would probably tell to take all the time he needed just don't bother coming back.

After 15 years of having children I am still left wondering when people tell me that they both work full time in 9-5 jobs and they manage to do the school run how they do it? Love to know how, I am obviously doing something wrong.

Maybe they are able to work flexi hours .
For example WOHP 1 starts early and finishes early/WOHP 2 starts late and finishes late . One drops off, one picks up.
Lots of parents doing this at our school, combine with shorter commutes/ local school etc it works fine.
I have never met anyone allowed "time off" to do the school run - it was always a flexible contract.
If your DH is doing 13 hour days x 5 - it is impossible to get any flexibility in that .

Annie - 1 of you starts early and does afternoon pickups, the other starts late and does mornings.

Or (as my DH has the moment) you can work flexibly. I drop the DC off, he picks up and looks after them until I get home, then goes back to work.

Or actually (as I said upthread) we share with neighbours which makes it easier as you don't have to juggle every day.

FWIW they way I did it, is I left my City job and got a job locally. Once they were secondary, DS1 walked solo, DS2 got a SN taxi and I used to walk DD to school and then go on to work via walking round my local park- a mile door to door. I have never been so slim since .

When they were little they were all at the same school so I could walk them there and then work was ten minutes walk away from their school.

Pick-up: once I was FT 9-5 someone else did pick-up, took them home and gave them their tea. As she was a qualified SN TA she also supervised homework for little kids. I would get back around 6 and supervise homework for secondary school kids. My DS got into Cambridge to do Natural Sciences and is about to start a doctorate at Imperial. Not sure he has suffered from lack of enrichment in the evenings!

BoB Im not as slim either but I think that's old age !
I think the commute is often the difficult factor - I live 10 minutes from work and so could do pickups easily as could DH.

Regarding Secondary- mine always went by school bus or cycled in the summer , we would all arrive home around the same time .

I can see that if you have a 2 hour commute with DC in several schools it becomes impossible .

Dh works for an American company and once America opens about 1pm then it is all hands to the pump. Dh gets in early to do "british" work and occassionly will field calls from the US at 9/10pm. I doubt there will be any flexibility and certainly no leaving earlier or starting later.

Both dc are in secondary school but because of where we live I would have to taxi them to and from school/bus /train/tube etc. Cheapest taxi fare £12 from station for dd, had to pay it once when car broke down. No pavements, single track road no street lights and miles from the nearest transport links, no neibours, so it just would not work. I am sure there are others in my position.

I do get the impression when coming on MN that everyone is expected to have the same lives. No one seems to get that not everyone lives within walking distance of schools/work/shops. Not everyone has a boss who allows the coming in later or going home earlier scenario and seems to think that SAHM's regardless of the economics should work and dp is willing and able to do his share. And that people live in wrecks of houses that need a lot doing to them.

Has the op's dh actually appreciated how his life is going to change if op was to return to work. Has she asked him if he has approached his boss about which he can do either coming in earlier and leaving earlier or coming in later and leaving later to do the school run, otherwise how much wrap around childcare is and the impact on op's potential take home salary. Which nights he is going to cook, what cleaning will he be doing? Or is op's dh one of those men who wants dw to get a job but do not want to share the chores and school stuff they just expect life to continue with dw doing a fulltime job and doing everything else as well.

I can see that if you have a 2 hour commute with DC in several schools it becomes impossible

it was. I changed jobs

I work ft and can do the schoolrun once a week because I work from home on that day. I negotiated that into the terms when I joined the firm (and even gave the reason as wanting to do the school run and do playdates).

I had that arrangement in my previous firm and would not jump ship unless my current outfit agreed. I guess that is one advantage of having specialised skills.

"No pavements, single track road no street lights and miles from the nearest transport links, no neibours, so it just would not work."

I imagine this lack of amenities is a trade off you have made for something else - space, quiet, the size of your house, its attractiveness or uniqueness, something like that.

Being able to live somewhere like that in order to get something you want means you have allocated a certain amount of money to living without public transport etc, and being able to fund alternatives, like not working and driving children around. It is simple economics - once again a poster is effectively boasting about her family resources while dressing it up as lack of alternatives.

God didn't plant you in a house with no buses and no pavements and say "I DAMN YOU TO OWN AND RUN A CAR OR MAYBE ONE PER ADULT (I BET ONE IS A 4X4) AND HAVE TIME TO DO SO". You decided "shall we get a little 60s house on a bus route in a suburb? Or shall we live somewhere bigger, quieter, prettier, and get a car, or two?"

Bones, I would agree that to a certain extent we can engineer our circumstances to fit our working arrangements and lifestyle, if the will is there.

Dh and I work ft and live in London because both of us have to commute in. There are also a significant number of families where both parents work ft in my dcs' school. If this was a family with one ft working parent and one SAHP, then it is more likely that this family will live further out of London (for space, fresh air, etc) because only one party has to do the commute. Hence a lot of SAHMs beyond the M25.

I know that because I work ft and cannot do the schoolrun, I would either have to get a driving nanny or live close to my dcs' schools in order for a walking aupair to do the schoolrun. I chose the latter but this choice greatly constrained me in terms of which schools I could put my children in and which area I could buy in.

Our lives are set up and carefully planned to facilitate a dual working arrangement. It did not just happen. Dh and I had to make it happen but we both see the value in my WOHM-ing.

Right, blueshoes, us too.
One of the things I am absolutely determined to avoid is being a family who needs a car. We have one, but it is not used every day for work and school. dp doesn't drive and it's not so much that I give a shit about his convenience as I refuse to have a family that will fall apart if, say, I break my leg or get appendicitis. Even if we could both drive, it's just too precarious to have a run a car or even two for daily life. It could fail its MOT at a bad time financially, or just anything really.

I think a lot of families are stretched and honestly trying their hardest just to get by.

some on here though, I just think: your "stresses" are caused by the things you want. Or in other words, greed. you bought a "doer upper" to make your money go further and now you have do it up. Boo hoo building woes, the most tedious whining known to man. You want animals, now you have to get up early to look after them. you want a big house, now you're not on a bus route.

I don't blame people for wanting things, I want them too. but I don't whine about maintaining them interfering with my ability to lie about in bed reading Chat.

Its a 2 bed 1950's bungalow within hearing distance of the motorway within the M25. I should point out that when I said no neighbours I meant no average family neighbours, we live next door to a particular institution who own the other houses in the road. Oh and we only have one car which is most definitely not a 4x4, it cost us £520 off Ebay 4 years ago. Again a lot of assumptions made about peoples life styles.

The reason we bought the house was because we had just moved to the area and it was what we could afford and was for sale, not what we actually wanted but after 3 months of serious looking whilst living in rented. It was a case of it had a roof, walls and was not on a main road.

Ok, sorry Annie

I should add we have been here 17 years and whilst everything was just about ok when we moved in, pre kids, after 17 years everything now is on its last legs.

Well you have the hardest job in the world and there is no more important job that being a mum. However be thankful you have the choice because if you were or heaven forbid became a single mum you'd be forced to work by the government when your youngest was five whether your circumstances allowed it or not. With some people though you can't win. I went back to work when my D.D was less than a year old and my friend said it was selfish may be she had a point but as much as I adore my daughter I am not ashamed to say I needed that break and I wanted to set her a good example that if you want something you work hard for it,but I know this is the real world and work does not work for everyone. xxx

You are not forced to go back to work when your youngest is 5 simply because you're a single mum. That is misinformation. You are only 'forced' to look for work if you are claiming benefits. If my DH left me before my youngest was 5, I would fortunately not need to claim benefits and therefore the government would have no say in whether I returned to work or not.

Or if I became a single mum due to his death then I'd be a very, rich widow.

There is no "forced" about it Nancy.
Single parents on Income Support get switched onto Jobseekers when their child is 5, and if they are not seen to be actively seeking work, their JSA can be cut.
And what the Jobcentre deems acceptable hours/travel distance is not always what the mother might.
Even when the child is under five, as a lone parent you are still required to attend mandatory interviews every 6 months to discuss going back to work. I was on Income Support after having ds (couldnt go back to my old job) and was called in for my first Lone Parent assessment when he was 6 months old. Some Lone Parent advisors can actually be helpful, some are Nazis, and it's sheer luck what you get.

But, you know, good for you that your husband would happily pay lots of maintenance if he left you. Although, circumstances can sometimes surprise you..

You used the word forced; I was quoting you! My DH would definitely pay generous maintenance for his children regardless of how he came to feel about me. He thinks non resident parents who don't pay or pay the minimum are scum. We have had a conversation where I was saying I guess if we split we'd sell the house and split it 50/50. He was appalled and said absolutely not as long as the kids were at the dependent age. Unless I wanted to move, he would ensure they stayed in their home whilst growing up.

And again, the government are only interested if you are claiming benefit to support your children which I appreciate a number of single parents need to do, but I was just pointing out that not all single parents would be forced out to work.

Um. You mean you were quoting lifehasafunnywayofhelpingout ?

No its not forced if you can afford not to work, but its pretty much forced otherwise.

Nancy

The world is full of men who say this, in fact several women on here had men like that until they left them for a younger model. You can't ever be 100% sure of these things.

Yes, sorry, IfNotNowThenWhen!

As for the other, well I know lots of women complain they never though their DH would cheat etc but I've read lots of of those threads and they mention little things from over the years and I wonder why that didn't alert them, why they didn't leave then. We've been together over 20yrs and have been through a lot. I know him as well as I'm ever going to. As I said, he could well leave me but I know he would never behave badly towards his children.
I don't post about this really but after dc2, I had such bad pnd I pretty much had a breakdown. He could have left me, or left me to my mother or paid for a nurse or whatever but instead he took a 6mth sabbatical and emotionally nursed me back to health. He did literally everything. I didn't cook or clean or have to worry about baby or nursery stuff. I will be forever grateful but to him this is part of being married, in sickness and in health and all that. He has even stronger convictions about a parent's responsibility towards their children.

Nancy, you are a lucky lady and hugely blessed in your Dh. :)