my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

There are several problems the OP might face in finding work, which some of you ignorant smuggoes seem unable to comprehend.

Firstly, there are not enough jobs for everyone who wants to work. Secondly, when there are young DC, anyone with a job needs either a very understanding employer or another parent who doeesn't work, only works part time, or is self-emloyed. Because kids, particularly in their first year or so at primary school, get every bug going. Then there's snow days, inset days and school holidays to take into account. Not all employers allow that much time off at short notice.

Secondly, is it actually going to be cost-effective for the OP to work? If she gets a 9-5 job then the DC will have to be in after-school care of some kind - is there any nearby and is it affordable? If the OP has just generalized office/retail skills rather than being a specialist of some kind, she's not going to be an employer's first choice when there are shedloads of young, childless, single people desperate for work who won't need to take time off at short notice or leave on the dot every day to pick the kids up. She is unlikely to pick up more than minimum-wage work, which may not cover childcare and travel. If the H wants her to work because they need more money, paying out for childcare might make this impractical.

Thirdly, there's travel to consider - how many jobs are there that are close enough to the DC's school and home to make the commute feasible and affordable?

It would make more economic sense, if they need extra money, for the OP to get an evenin/weekend job such as care work or bar work and for the man to do the childcare - but will he accept it?

BoB -what happens to your DC between 3pm and 6pm?

Well said, SolidGoldBrass.

We should do a wohm/sahm version of the monty Python's Yorkshiremen.

Well, I get up and bf 4 dc before cooking an all day breakfast for the family, etc.......

Where is the OP? Looking for a job, I assume.

OP's husband only does a 40 hour week Mon to Fri. I doubt he is in a job in which his wife is enabling his career to go stellar.

I think the issue is the resentment that the husband feels, resentment suggests that they are not able to communicate and see each others point of view.It also suggests lack of respect.

I resent not being able to pursue my career as both parents working fulltime is not always achievable.I've worked fulltime in a flexible job and managed it very well however my dd coped well and I had reliable childcare and she was rarely ill.When I had my son the workplace had changed, no more flexibility, further to travel for work, my son hasn't coped as well with childcare, he's accident prone and last term I had 2 calls from the school to collect him at short notice.My manager did not react well to this but as my husband was 2hours away and it was my responsibility.
No one has identical circumstances, I was a smug working mum with dd but now I realise I was just extremely fortunate to have a set of circumstances that enabled me to work fulltime.Others are often less fortunate and so no one can judge anyone else.

Red sky - most state schools are 9 to 3.

Are they? They aren't round here. I was factoring a drop off at 8.30 (return home 8.45). Then one DC comes home solo and a neighbour picks up the other (an arrangement we'd continue because she gets benefit out of it and frankly it's a PITA to cycle to and from school twice every day. home about 3.45. 7 hours. But even if you call it 6, it's still a lot of time ...

It would be good if the OP came back.

solid my carer has them, in our house. She works in a school as a SENCO TA, so she is free 3-6pm, and half terms and holidays and training days.

I should say that maybe I have had longer to practice than most. DD and DS2 are disabled, DS2 very profoundly- he is nearly 18 with a mental age of 2. So I have been living with toddler-style childcare for longer than most, maybe I've got the hang of it now ;)

I really do think working mothers resentment to those who sah is quite sad.

You personally are not paying for us to stay here. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much.

I have 4dc's (3 under 4 years) They go to nursery 5 mornings a week. I have the choice to,

1. Do housework.

2, Go to the gym, for a run (5 miles this morning) 3, read a book (i've got 2 on the go) 4, crochet (doing bunny baskets for the 3 little ones) 5,mn, fb, twitter, internet in general. 6, go back to bed.

But after that time, it is relentless.

I live in a large 4 bed detached with 2 and half bathrooms, 2 receptions, utility, large garden etc that I can have spotless, but looks like a bomb has been through it 24 hours later. (probably the age of the kids) The washing is a daily occurence ( and drives me mad.) I even take the bins out.

My dp works away a lot (9 days away back last fri night, now gone again till thursday)

I've worked f/t and looked after my eldest and ran the house, as a single parent.

My dp gets out of bed, see's to himself, walks out the door, goes to work, and then comes home to a clean house, (not necessarily tidy everyday though) clean clothes, ironed, food cooked from scratch 9 times out of 10 (takeaway if i'm lethargic) and happy, taken care of children.

I would have killed for that when i was getting up at 6am, to get dd1 to the childminder for 7.30am, to run the gantlet on the motorway every day, work 9 to 5, and get back for 6pm, to still have to do everything i do now. (although admittedly the house was smaller)

He did the whole, I have it harder crap for a while, until I left him for a 1 week experiment, and the house was a complete state, no-one had any clean clothes etc.

He's never moaned since.

I may work when the children are all at school, I may not. We are not rich, barely over national average for one wage between 6 of us, big mortgage, but we make sacrifices. It is a choice.

If you make a different one, that's your prerogative, but I don't think it should be turned into the eye rolling, pathetic creatures, can't work and do house work tut tut.

redsky, (not picking on you, just that you are the one saying about the enabling and fitting it all in) Ok, I'm about to have my 4th child. My other boys are 3, 8 and 10. I am a teacher who does bits and pieces of supply but I finished last week and won't go back for a while.

So, the enabling thing; DH is a lawyer for an American investment bank. He works stupidly long hours often out the house from 6-9 and he spends one week a month in the US. He simply could not do this if we both worked f/t unless I was prepared to work f/t and agree to do pretty much everything else. He fully acknowledges this. As for those saying that they'd hate to have the burden of being the only breadwinner. Even if I went back to teaching f/t, DH would still be earning 5 or 6 times my salary. Our mortgage and outgoings are very heavily dependent on his salary so he would still have that burden whether I was working or not.

The other thing is you all saying how you do everything else on top of working f/t. If I was teaching f/t I'd be picking the kids up between 5.30-6pm. I'd need to be in work by 8.15 latest so dropping them off at 8am latest or probably earlier to allow for a commute. How do you get 4 kids up and out before 8 each morning and home at say, 5.45, then manage to cook for them all, sit and do hw with the older ones whilst reading and playing with the younger ones. Then do the bath and bed routine to get younger ones in bed by 7pm? That's excluding the nights where you are ferrying older ones to cubs, scouts, rugby and piano. I just don't know how it gets done and I mean that genuinely!

I'm not suggesting I don't have some time to myself during the day although being at home with a newborn and a 3yr old will be exhausting but I'm quite sure we'd all be more stressed and exhausted if I was also working.

This is from the perspective of the child.
My DM went back to work when i was 3 months old. We had a couple of neighbours who babysat.
By the time i was 12 i was looking after myself and my younger DB At the age of 14 i was being badly bullied at school. To the point i was considering suicide.
I got a shedload of pills from the medicine cabinet and a bottle of whisky from the drinks cabinet.
DB panicked and phoned my mum at work. (she was working full time)
She came home and screamed abuse at me for interrupting her working day.
Im not saying that anyone on this thread would do this but children and teenagers dont lose their need for emotional support once the school term starts.

SolidGoldBrass has described my feelings but much more eloquently!

I have had various stints of WOHM, SAHM and working from home since having the DDs. Working with school age kids when you have no family support and a DH who works long hours is really tough. Not impossible, but you either need the right support in place ( either family or you need to earn enough to pay for wraparound care) or you need to find a job that is close to school and very flexible. Not easy when you have been out of work for 5years!

Solid has nailed it

Wow, darkesteyes, that's a lot of projection there!

Despite my previous post and being a sahm myself, I think you must see that your sad situation is not a reflection of the lives of most children whose parents both work. The situation you describe is one of abuse and neglect and very far removed from the lives of most well adjusted families whose working mothers (and fathers) would be devastated and horrified at finding their child in such despair. The overwhelming majority would have developed a secure enough relationship that their teenage child would never feel like that in the first place.
I'm sorry you went through what you did but it had nothing to do with your mother working.

Red sky - you have more hours free because you are freed from the school run. Lucky you!

I realise it had nothing to do with her working. But she was/is a workaholic and its the same as any other addiction. Like drugs or alcohol. The addicted person can think of nothing else.

Sharing the school run with neighbours is possible for most people that use state schools though (as they tend to be reasonably close by). I think most parents at my DC's school share at least some of the time.

Interestingly the lady I share with is a SAHM and she needs the share more than me - because she has to get 3 children to separate nursery, infants and junior schools at 3 different locations in the space of 20 minutes.

I can understand his point of view. He may have thought that your role as a SAHM was as demanding as his when the children were at home FT but now they are at school your role has become easier. previously you had to do all the housework etc and look after the children and now you don't have to look after the children from 9-3- presumably if you were managing before you now have free time? while his job has stayed the same.
Does he see any advantage to you having more free time? are you doing more stuff for the family than you were before? eg are chores that were done at the weekend now being done during the week?

Mine are at indie school and from next year my 2 school and nursery run will be an hour round trip. I imagine by half way through y7, ds1 will be making his own way there though. Still couldn't rely on neighbours if I was picking them up at 5.45 every night though. And still not sure how to then get home by 6.15/6.30 and manage to feed 4 and spend any time with any of them inc hw before the bath and bed routine for the little ones.
Maybe if I'd just had 2children close in age who were now older rather than 4 over 10.5yrs...

OP: mine too.

I get it.

I'd love to work - I have skills that are in demand and my kids are all now well settled into primary school.

But, I need a contract that is only 9.30-2.30, in term time, time off for the endless hospital appointments and sick days MiddleyKid generates, and, preferably, also flexible enough to accommodate the nativity/sports day/whatever days.

Alternatively, it needs to pay well enough to cover the cost of 3 kids in wraparound childcare.

Doesn't exist.

I've tried working for myself - but, it's simply too hard to get established when your time is so stretched.

My DH does not see that he can only work the ludicrous hours he does because I am the one doing all the stuff with the kids. He's resentful and feels I am taking the piss.

He's wrong.

So are all the judgmental folk on here.

Well you are fortunate red - most people here drop and run their child only.

DS primary is VERY specific that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are children to be left prior to 845 as they are not legally responsible for them until then. Would you be surprised by how many working parents choose to ignore that?

I have to say as a WAHM that the smugness of the WOHM on these threads always makes me feel like being less helpful when I get my next rueful "hi somethings cropped can you pick up x for me" I would hate to think I am enabling someone in this "aren't I coping with both brilliantly" delusion.

siiiiigh your DH sounds like an entitled fuckwit