my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

"How about stop doing his laundry and cooking his meals.He will soon learn I'm sure."

Yeah, then he can stop going to work to keep a roof over her head. That attitude would work out well for the whole family I'm sure.

I agree that he is projecting his unhappiness and making it your fault. Dh tends to do this and when he starts with his 'what do you do all day' I turn it onto him 'what happened to you today? Did that meeting this morning go ok?'.

It doesn't make his behaviour right but you may find the answer there.

Does he work 40 hours and spend the rest of time at home or does he go out in the evenings or weekend? I always remind dh that he can call and say 'btw I'm meeting so and so for a drink tonight, is that ok?' Whereas I can't because I am the back stop child care.

everybodystressyeyed - yes he's pretty much free to come and go as he pleases, which he does - he is out alot, like he is now, which is why i am free to be on here and vent my spleen!

You need to sit down and talk to one another which is what I said at first!

What sort of job do you want. What has the job centre offered you? Have you looked at retraining or even just doing some kind of study at college which fits around school times.

Nursing homes are crying out for care assistants. Is that a possibility?

Your resenting him resenting you is going to get no one nowhere! You need to talk and make a plan of action.

It sounds as though he has lost respect for you which isn't unusual for SAHMs. Society and sometimes husbands don't value them very much despite his apparent choice that you should in the beginning SAH.

If he is regularly going out and acting like a single man that's a bit different. It's one thing to be resentful(which I can understand) but not to treat you like shit.

I think there is more than just the job issue. It sounds like a total communication breakdown and maybe it's time to get some counselling with Relate.

sneeze

of course you are right, bit i have tried reasoning with him, he doesn't want to talk to me about it, so i am kind of trying to get on with life - taking the burden off him as much as poss etc

Sorry, it does now sound as though there are problems over and above the job issue, especially as DH won't speak to you about it.

Whenever I've met couples who've agreed to have one working partner for small children it works well as it's both adults wanting what they agree is best for their particular set up and importantly they support and respect each other.

Something has gone seriously wrong somewhere along the line in your marriage. I'm not sure what you can do except force the issue with a serious talk. Bit awful really. He sounds as though he is having problems too?

Would you be able to go away for a weekend without the kids to reestablish communications?

yes possibly, although he is very black and white in his thinking, so i may just wait for this particular storm to pass,

i am aware that this is much more than the job issue, loss of respect etc. but that does not make it right - life is too short to be walking around with such resentment - and one day i will get a job, its just a bit of a shame to not enjoy life a little more now

many people who work have down time during the day, and until a few months ago, I was a full time mum for 5 years, 12 hours a day, 356 days a year, this is my first work break in my life - and boy, am I being made to pay for it!

How is the job search going? Are you getting interviews? Can he see you are really trying? Or do you not really want to go back to work but are not being upfront with him?

I think you are really lucky having those years out of the workplace but it's only fair to go back if that is what you have agreed. Many of us never had that break and have had to do the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. around full or part-time work.

Does your dh think you are not trying hard enough to get a job and are deliberately dragging out this period of SAHM whilst the children are at school because you want to enjoy it.

Are you?

It is actually very difficult to get a job at the moment (unless you have specialist skills/experience). Apparently 1000 people applied for 30 jobs at a new supermarket this week.

YOu say your DC are 4 and 5, so they will presumably be at school between around 8am and 3pm, so any job you get will have to fit round those hours unless there is good after school childcare available at a price you can afford. Does your H want you to be in paid work because you as a family need the extra money? If so, does he understand that this may mean he does the childcare while you are working evenings or weekends?

Can he see you are really trying?

Ppl like this see what they want to see.

I think staying at home once maternity leave is over and kids are in education is a luxury and should be something for agreement with the two parties to the relationship. It seems you have missed out on this stage and its "just happened". tbh if my DH did that, I would feel pretty hard done by and used for convenience by him. Its quite a burden to place on someone, financially providing for the whole family.

Do you really want to work? Saying things like yes possibly, although he is very black and white in his thinking, so i may just wait for this particular storm to pass doesn't make it sound like it.

There seems to be this trend on mumsnet to treat staying at home with children (or children in education) as some kind of onerous task, equivalent to never ending work. So it makes you wonder how so many women manage to work full time and look after your children.

Anyway, it sounds like your DH is unwilling/unhappy to choose this lifestyle so perhaps you have chosen the wrong man for it.

This post could've been me a year ago except my DC are older - I took time out to be at home while they were later stage primary school. This was due to a combination of issues with both DC, my health and both me and DH doing stupid hours. Something had to give. This was a joint decision. I took limited maternity leave as, owing to a period working in my DF's business, I managed to work part-time and flexibly.

For a while it was fine. But the minute life appeared to be on an even keel, DH began bitterly resenting me. He stopped doing anything at home and our relationship really suffered.

I did go back to work and things are much better now. He doesn't do 50% of the domestic and child stuff! but he does a fair whack and generally tries.

We resented each other for part of the time I was off - and even more once I started looking for work - it took me 6 months to find something. He saw my life as easy with lots of time with DC and only spending money, not contributing to the pot. I resented his lack of involvement in domestic life and my loss of identity as someone other than a mum. And I hated feeling responsible for the tight finances.

Looking back, the only thing that would've helped is if we'd both recognised that at the time. How realistic, or easy, that is I'm not sure.

Not sure if this helps at all. Good luck.

The OP mentioned in her OP that they BOTH agreed to do this. Its not her fault that shes struggling to find a job.
So i find some of the comments as well as her DHs attitude a bit gaslighty tbh

And ppl i know in RL wonder why i didnt have DC!!

If your original agreement was that you would stay home until both DCs were in school and both DCs are now in school then you do need to go back to work as your DH never signed up for you to be a SAHM with school-aged kids.

I think there is a bigger issue here maybe in that your DH never respected or valued the work you did as a SAHM when it really was the full-time, intense job of parenting under-5s. It doesn't sound like his dismissive attitude started overnight.

I can imagine you probably feel overwhelmed at the idea of going back to work after a 5 year career break. It takes support for you to build up the confidence and energy to get back into work. Do you have friends who can look at your CV for you or provide job leads? Your DH does need to support you to get back to work. He can't just roll his eyes and dismiss you as lazy if he isn't helping you.

You should talk to your DH and tell him that you are focused on getting back to work but need his support and help to do so e.g. agreeing childcare plan etc.

So much depends on the circumstances here. Do you have specialist skills, are jobs available where you are, are you really trying to get a job, what did you agree was the gameplan when you had DC1?

I can imagine relying on one income stream would be a massive worry for DH (and yourself OP) so I do sympathise but he shouldn't be making remarks and should be appreciating that you being at home does make his life easier in some respects.

Dh is sahd soon for a while but Im not having it for 5 years as I would see it as freeloading. If your children are going to school then do you not want to work?

I think it's normal that he feels resentful. I assume he was fully supportive of you being at home before your kids went to school? Because that is an ENORMOUS amount of work- but now they are at school, that workload must have reduced dramatically. So he probably feels it is unfair that he has the pressure of supportng the family while you have loads of free time? It doesn't take 40 hours a week to cook and clean. Assuming you are seriously looking for a job, and are willing to take a job that is perhaps not what you consider to be perfect then you need to make this clear to him. How are you finding the job hunt? Are you open to different jobs and levels? Are you willing to take s origin you consider to be to junior or not week paid enough? Because you have to- it's no reflection on you, it's just hard to find a job and probably harder with a big employment gap. As long as he sees that you not just having a lovely time putting your feet up but that you are actually serious about contributing then it should be ok. If he's still being difficult about it then that's his problem.

OP I think you are getting an unbelievably hard time here. Other threads have made the points that:

• It's really hard to get a job after a five year gap.

• It's really hard to get a job that fits around family life.

• It can be hard to justify working outside of the home once childcare (wraparound care, school holidays, illness) are paid for.

• Your youngest is only four, and is already making the big adjustment to school, having a full time parent starting work is another adjustment.

• Your DH seems pretty uninterested in contributing anything to the family apart from his wage, which is a pretty shitty attitude. Unless he's down a coal mine there is nothing stopping him pitching in with the childcare evenings and weekends.

• If I was at home with two kids doing all the fetching and carrying for them and my DH, dealing with his contempt, damn right I'd be treating myself to a weekly mani-pedi. Once you factor in the school run you only have about 4 child free hours in the day time. Your DH has a lunch hour I presume, so should you.

I say all this as a FT WOHP. My DH is a FT SAHP with one easy going 6yo to look after. I don't resent him a single bit. I couldn't do my job unless he was doing what he does. Never once have I have to tell my employer "sorry, no, I can't do that because of childcare" and that has allowed me to progress in my career.

You are being ground down by your DH and now posters are sticking the boot in. I hope you find some proper encouragement from somewhere.

I think you're getting an undeserved hard time on here too.

Your DH sounds so disrespectful. Would you getting a job really change that?

Good luck in your job hunt (I think!), but you need to iron out the cracks in your relationship it seems to me.

Get away for a few days when he has a couple of days off. Easter holidays maybe. Bugger off and leave him to it. Dont' even tell him until the day before. He sound like he needs a really huge kick up the backside.

How can 'contempt and disdain' have any place in a relationship?

I can't believe how unfair some people are being on the OP. I currently work full-time but my DH and I have, over the years, swapped roles from time to time (very fortunate in that we are both qualified professionals in fields where there is demand for our services). We often agree that neither job is harder - it is exhausting going out to work but there are also some serious plus-sides. Likewise being at home can be wonderful sometimes, shit at others. Last year when I was home full-time with the kids for six months I loved it but there were mornings when I would have given a lot to "have" to get up at 6 am, put on a suit and get on the train, leaving the weetabix stuck to the table for somebody else to sort out. Equally, now, there are days when I would kill to stay at home and clear up that weetabix. Your DH needs, gently, to be made to think very seriously about what it's like to be the one responsible for everything at home. It's all about balance and respect for each other. Good luck, and for what it's worth I am very sympathetic OP!

I am a SAHM to 5 school age DC and my life is so busy. I study 16 hrs a week (OU) and DH's job means he is often not around evenings/nights/weekends etc so I am doing all the house/kids stuff most of the time. Me being at home means DH has never had to worry about ill DC etc or holidays. I do most of the housework which I don't mind.

For me, being at home is still important even at school age as it is important for me to attend school events (frequent in our school), pick DC up, take them to after school activities etc. Also to be here if they are sick/ill. Also older DC often finish high school at 2.30 and they too need time with parents especially when doing exams etc.

DH doesn't resent me SAH and I don't think that is normal although it doesn't surprise me sadly that it happens as many men these days expect their wives to work (in some cases) so they don't have to cut back their lifestyle and also the house prices mean some have to work to simply live.

In your shoes I would only go back if DH pulls his weight around the house. Too often I hear about women going back and still doing all the housework etc and expected to be off when DC are ill or pay for holiday care. DH can't have his cake and eat it!