my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

OP, he had better enjoy his current brand of resentment as life is about to change for him as soon as you do get a job. You need to itemise all the things that will need to be done once you are working, which partners working f/t with a partner at home often take for granted. You need to get him to agree what he will do so that you have an idea what kind of job you can get.

I am in this position with a not so resentful but DP with no real idea what I do. I'd be looking at jobs and knowing what was needed re childcare etc, would discount them. DP, freelance working odd hours, nights away, abroad, go a bit angry.
DP -Why can't you work in .......
Me: It is a minimum hour and a half commute on train/tube/bus
DP - I have had jobs there, its not that bad, I do it all the time
Me- I need to drop kids (2 and 5) off at a childminder and pick them up. Or will you do that on a reliable regular basis?
DP - Oh.

I have also told DP that he needs to up the ante with housework, home cooking etc as I won't be doing it all. I have pointed out that going back to my profession is not that easy (I have had very little interest at salary levels which make working pay - we need the money).

Will he do morning DC childcare, school or childminder drop offs or pick ups? This needs to be your first conversation. If you know he will do drop off, you can negotiate at 8am start at work, and do the pick up. Or vice versa.

I would also look at weekend working - you can get back to 'work' and your DP will get an idea what you do.

Start talking about jobs, about what it will mean for you both. Good luck!

when one of you works away regularly it is really hard, but thats not really my point
my point was just that the sah justification of saving thousands on gardening, tiling roof, changing lightbulbs, internet shopping, is a bit mad as surely that sahp if they were to work, would still have a large number of hours available in the week in which to do those jobs. of course they could also get their partner to help out!
now, whether work is practical or not, given the family constraints (partner working irregular hours etc) is a different matter. each family decides differently. my dad worked away irregularly so my mum stayed home, but actually my dads colleagues had wives who worked full time. so each family works differently. as i have said before, often it is childcare costs that make work unprofitable.
my only gripe is with this idea that working families somehow waste all their money in cleaners, gardeners, internet shoppers, lightbulb changers

it is a very upper middle class view of life

most people empty dishwashers, shop for bargains, tile kitchen, change bathroom, cut down trees, install new radiators themselves (i did all these this year )
often those people just do it themselves as their jobs dont pay enough for staff. most people are poor, not rich.

surely most people don't have a cleaner or gardener or those that do, have a cleaner for 3 hours per week.

not exactly a full compliment of household staff.

so if a cleaner 3 hours per week is a big help to a 2xWOH family, surely a SAHP of school age children does not equate to full time household staff?

Yes, but to be fair, many posters have said that the point is that they do these things during the working week, so that evenings and weekends are free for nice family stuff, rather than having to do all the cleaning, gardening, DIY at weekends.

From their point of view, it is something they are happy to "spend" their money on (I mean the money that they forego by not earning).

.....sadly its not just about family things at the weekend but...looking up the thread....at least one DH needs a SAHW so he is free to live the life of a 15 yo boy at the weekend.

rather than a grown up.

I have a horrible suspicion that many childmen have SAHW. where much of time woman's time is spent cleaning up after him. which could take a lot of time every day.

at the notion that WOHP have staff !!!!
Well I have teenagers does that count ?

We manage to keep everything running with meal planning and a chore rota - many hands make light work
Don't spend all evening or weekends doing chores.

Also don't understand the gardening being a "chore" DH loves spending his weekends pottering with his radio and a cup of tea.

The comment about SAHMs replacing staff being an upper-middle class view on life - probably so. Like most any issue, there's a class thread running through it. If one's spouse is a banker or similar, then the SAHP, who may be a potential 30K earner (or, maybe they're a former banker as well) could very feasibly fritter away the after-tax proceeds of a 30K job on outsourcing.

There are many good reasons to be a SAHP (the primary one being cos you fancy it) but saying it saves you hiring the armiies of staff that would ohwiise be necessary, is possibly THE most absurd!

I think that it is true that one of the most expensive luxuries you can have as a family, is for an adult not to earn a wage once all the kids are in school, certainly all in secondary school. You are turning down money now, plus, very importantly, a lot more earning potential in your 50s and 60s once the kids are largely independent during the day, plus a good pension at the end of it.

Partly it's about short term benefit vs long-term - "why bother to work when I only just break even" and "why bother to work when it is so much nicer for everyone if I don't". In the short term, they are absolutely right.

I personally probably have too strong a protestant work ethic. I come from a family that had only just enough money to get by. I don't think I would have peace of mind if I didn't have a plan. Other ppl from similar backgrounds may have a completely different attitude to this- I guess it depends how it takes you.

I think the most important saving an SAHM can make is using state schooling as opposed to splashing out on private education.

SAHM has more time to research and engineer a move to a good catchment area, obviate the need for a breakfast/afterschool club, supplement the teaching after school and extra curricular activities by sending the children to and from activities. Obviously, this only applies to families within a certain band of income.

True. I spend between two and three hours every evening going back and forth between my two children, doing some form of extension, some straightforward and some disguised.

I can get them to read more challenging books by reading it alongside them, sometimes we do Khan academy, sometimes we play chess, etc. Honestly, it can be pretty tedious and there is no way I'd be willing to do this after a long day at the office - they would just be doing their homework solo & on screens.

My families work ethic is "work smart not hard".

I think the most important saving an SAHM can make is using state schooling as opposed to splashing out on private education.

But most ppl who WOH use state education, surely? and are not in a position to research catchment areas as they can't afford to move into them anyway.

As you say, that kind of "saving" only applies in certain income brackets.

also isn't being a teacher going to be able to help their DCs education more than being a SAHP?

True BoB
I personally wouldn't have chosen a private education for my DC anyway.

Im not a fan of the hothousing approach- 2-3 hours after school sounds tedious to me as well and Im sure if its tedious for me then its not much fun for DC.

Despite being a WOHP there was always a parent at home to help with homework and provide support , DC read about 2 books a week and my DS just got into medical school

1. Not every SAHM can be a teacher. For obvious reasons.
2. You don't need to be a professional teacher to home educate.

I really don't see how what i just described above could be considered hot-housing.

quite but it would be a very odd situation if most teachers were not better educators than more SAHP.

Nicely done TeamWill with your son! I know my limits and when I've been at work all day, I don't have any patience for homework. OK if I had to deal with it, I would. But I would definitely choose a tutor or weekend cramming as an alternative.

Maybe I misunderstood then Truffle but it sounds intense to me after a full day at school - I think it was the fact you describe it as tedious.

I was thinking specifically of reading Lord of the Rings with my son when it was still in the "challenging" category. I found it a bit tedious, but he loved it and felt very... important? with me sitting next to him as an old lady, reading the same thing as him if you see what I mean?

And yes, it's a luxury and I don't blame anyone for poo-pooing the value of me reading LOTR alongside my son in place of a 9-5 job, but these are the kinds of things that I'm able to do with my kids in the evening that I would simply refuse to do, flat out, if I were coming home after a long day of work.

Oh god I get it !
Lord of the bloody Rings < snores gently>

I bet you would still do it truffle .

IMVHO there are certain parents who fully support their DC's education, and there are ones who don't. Their working habits don't come into it.

I live in SAHM-ville and some are involved. Some aren't. TBH it's common here to send them boarding!