my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Thanks beast

as other posters say, women are held up to such high standards that we are wrong either way.

and the much lower standards imposed by society on men mean that they have to be really awful to be considered in the same light.

I'm not saying 'all' the traffic is one way, just that the majority of concerns are about childcare issues. I'll give you that there are some nasty comments sometimes implying that working mothers are less caring, which is unkind and untrue.

Im sorry my last post was rude Minifingers.

I guess it just drives me mad that instead of supporting each other, we criticise alternative choices. Then people feel hurt or offended so they retort and that leads to another batch of upset and defensiveness.

The real dickheads just drop in between Zumba classes to shit stir and then you have half of mumsne slagging each other off.

It's just depressing and so unnecessary.

somersethouse - you have my sympathy. I think Spain is very tough - certainly my sister thought it was (and moved to a much more family and woman friendly Northern European country thereafter). France is a doddle in comparison, and yet I still find the commonest school/childcare combo severely lacking in content for the DC, which is why I much prefer not working in the sort of career I was in DC. Fortunately my French DP inherited his Jewish mother's maniacal standards and thinks that the more hands-on the parents, the better!

Think - it's an 'easy life' being a SAH mum with school age children if

• you don't mind not having your own income
• you don't mind being alone or with children all day every day
• you don't mind being considered fully responsible for all the boring, sometimes disgusting and repetitive manual tasks involved in running a home

Being a SAHM with school age kids looks great to someone who is time poor, because they value time very highly, and imagine it must be bliss not to have to go out to work, and to have the house to themselves all day. But time at home alone in the day isn't always great . The novelty wears off after a few months. Particularly when it's cold and you can't afford to heat the house during the day when you are alone. If I could expand my PT job to fill school hours and afford to get help to deal with the cleaning and housekeeping (I'm not 100% well and my energy levels are very low, have been for a few years) I'd be delighted.

Pag,why do you presume people need to support each other it's permissible to disagree
As women we're not homogenous mass, we don't need to agree.same gender doesn't equal commonality of experience or view
I never understand in mn,this disappointed response,tsk women are disagreeing,as if that's disagreeable

scottishmummy we are going to Scotland in July/August. Would be grateful for any amazing hotel/restaurant recommendations!

Sorry minifingers I was under the impression you were happy being a SAHP and thought it was the best thing for you and the family. Misunderstood what you were saying.

I quite understand it's pretty dull, I really don't imagine it must be bliss - that's one of the reasons I'm so keen to stay working!

But it is still easy Vs my current situation which is a 60 hour week,lots of travel, logging back on and working from 9pm to midnight after dinner, bed and bath etc.

I guess neither of us have the balance we would like.

Where are all the interesting and stimulating 37 hour a week jobs that pay enough to justify childcare and have good career progression prospects?!

I can only speak for myself but I am trying to transition from a sahm to someone who is self employed.

I have loads of support, help and encouragement. But it's still really hard.

Going back to my old way of life after 13 years isn't easy. In all honesty, I am only just getting my head around the idea in its entirety, 6 months after I made that decision.

I think changing the op's way of life after 5 years will be hard too. Not going to happen over night.

I'm digressing, re bonsoir holiday, 1st I commend your Good choice
Where are yiu going?highlands, islands, west coast?

It is the best thing for my children to have me home before and after school and in the holidays.

I have a child with ASD who can't cope with group childcare. Or childcare generally.

If my part-time work (which is well-paid) could be expanded to fill school hours it would mean I could afford to pay someone to take over most of the tasks I currently do at home, particularly DIY, gardening, cleaning and dog walking. It wouldn't be good for me, DH or my dc's for DH and I to have to cram all these things into evenings and weekends after work.

I'm working on a business idea at the moment that may get me what I want. SO hopeful. I spend most of my waking hours thinking about it!

think Where are all the interesting and stimulating 37 hour a week jobs that pay enough to justify childcare and have good career progression prospects?!

Come and work for a university! Ok you will never be rich, but it's not bad, and there are lots of flexible contracts and interesting stuff to do. I don't mean teaching, there is a shed load of admin that needs doing.

mini how exciting! Good luck.

Thanks Beast!

scottishmummy - West Coast and Edinburgh for sure, rest to be determined as suggestions arise! Want to visit Glasgow art nouveau but worried about Commonwealth Games...

Is anyone else in the same position in that they save more money by being at home than they could possibly earn by going to work.

I ask this as I have just read another thread where someone spends £140 per week on food shopping because she has not the time to shop around. That is £100 per week more than I spend because I do have time to shop around. Also because people worked they had cleaners, gardeners, childcare etc to pay for as they did not have time to do this.

I have in the past week spent time on our roof fixing our tv aerial, something I was quoted a cost of £200+ vat to fix. Fixed all the structual stuff (broomstick broke in wind) then got guy to come to tune it in properly and charged me £40. I have also replaced a couple of fuse wires that blew, (house is on its last legs). I have also chipped all the tiles off the bathroom walls and taken them down the tip. I will also lay the new floor tiles when everything has been removed prior to new bathroom being fitted with toilet, washbasin, shower, bath, tiles and taps, which I sourced from ebay for under £250, including grout and adhesive. I have probably saved a potential months salary on that alone.

If dh ever dared to think of me as a hired help I would switch on our living room lights ( always makes the electrics blow) and go out and leave him sat in the dark.

The real dickheads just drop in between Zumba classes to shit stir

Pag!

Annie you have the nub of it right there - it's all relative. Those in work don't have a better lifestyle, just a different one that is less hands on. Sometimes they have less cash after they've paid for all the staff.

I prefer to be hands on. I don't want someone else poking about in my dusty corners. But it does prevent me from working as I know I wouldn't be able to cope with the hours out of the home as well as the dusty corners. Same applies to children and looking after them.

Annie

Is anyone else in the same position in that they save more money by being at home than they could possibly earn by going to work

Yes! Exactly, many of us are, especially when you factor all the things you mention (very impressed!) but in my case suitable childcare, food shopping and cooking etc

If dh ever dared to think of me as a hired help I would switch on our living room lights ( always makes the electrics blow) and go out and leave him sat in the dark

Fantastic, I love this!

Annie, I think you have made a really good point.

Of course you have to also factor in your loss of earnings if you stay at home. Taking 10-15 years out of a career will really damage future earning potential. OTOH it might give you an opportunity for a career change.

We are hands on, DP fixes everything, built our kitchen and bathroom, has probably saved us about £30K in builders costs and extra on 'tradesmen's' costs. Yes he'll spend a weekend trying to work out what's wrong with the machine and ordering a spare part on Ebay and that affects our family time, likewise with fixing the car, but I would have to work to cover those costs if he didn't do that.

I'm just surprised how much time all us busy people get to MN

I think Annie is right but the older the kids get the less the saving due to childcare.

It's just noticeable to me that few people take advantage of all the savings by having one partner at home doing lots of DIY and shopping around etc BEFORE they have kids?