my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

But I earn at a level that makes it pretty obvious that working will always make more financial sense so it's a bit harder for me to fully appreciate.

the internet massively changes shopping around for bargains/planning healthy home cooked food.

we go to the supermarket once every 3-6 months, the reset is delivered to our door.
also DIY projects are much easier as you can read the 'how to' guides then order what you need for delivery on Saturday.

And again I think it depends on your circumstances. We live in a modern house so not needs much doing, we gradually decorate it over time room by room doing 1 or 2 rooms a year (weekends and evenings). I accept that we would probably save on food shopping by shopping around, but we don't have the huge expensive DIY jobs to do. The last time we had someone out to do anything was about 2 years ago and it was a serious pipe burst that was beyond our capabilities to fix (we did try), so no amount of time would have fixed the problem (unless we are suggesting that SAHPs use their spare time to become expert plumbers/electricians/roofers etc so they can avoid any such expenses).

If you live in a crumbling heap that constantly needs something doing to it, perhaps the savings are greater.

childcare costs make it not worthwhile working, but the savings aspect doesn't really wash with me. i work but also do diy. i know friends whose husbands re-wire their house on weekends and evenings. or even on holidays. most working people do that before they have kids.

Regarding the SAHM saving money comment I want to add this example. We recently went on a big holiday to South America with the DC. The holiday we saw that we fell in love with cost 12.5k and DH asked if I could book it the next day as holidays is one of the things I tend to sort out at home. I really wanted to do the trip and spent a lot of time over the next couple of weeks researching flights, hotels, exersions, ( it was a big trip to different countries) and then booked an identical trip for 7.5k. A week or so went by and DH said he's really looking forward to the holiday and is it all booked etc. I told him what I had done and he made the point that I could have worked for months to make the 5k after tax saving. I know people can work and spend hours on the Internet and phone etc but I don't think I would have if I'd been working.

i really think that is grasping at straws. work is 40 hours a week on average. waking hours are 110 hours a week maybe? so that leaves 70 hours to potentially do diy/research holidays/garden etc
i work and find that to be an ideal time to research holidays

your dh does sound v supportive though

Yes he is, we make a good team and want the same things from life. I am very lucky.

A sahp definitely saves money over the years.
Cleaners, cooks, taxi drivers, seamstresses, P.A's, teachers, house keepers, gardeners, admin worker, decorator, builder, plumber, don't come cheap.
As a sahp I don't do all of these things dh helps who works.
However, if I was working and family time was scarce, there is no way most of these things would be done by us, we'd be paying somebody to do them.
I'm saving my family a fortune

Working parents rarely have loads of "staff"! the stuff gets done evenings and weekends or just doesn't get done!

"A sahp definitely saves money over the years.
Cleaners, cooks, taxi drivers, seamstresses, P.A's, teachers, house keepers, gardeners, admin worker, decorator, builder, plumber, don't come cheap."

Finally stopped laughing Most people can work and cook/clean/garden. I imagine a fair few can drive and it takes minutes each week to pay the bills or sort insurances etc.

Big jobs depends on their skills not their employment status. Some are specialised if you want a good job.

Its a wonder how single adults or couples both work Oh wait a minute they do as its not rocket science to run a home and work.

I'm loving the idea that working people have cooks and chaufeurs and PAs to do their admin .

People don't actually believe that do they?

People don't actually believe that do they? They do They are called Tories.

A sahp definately saves money over the years.

Except for the ones who are being financially abused who often post on here sometimes not even realising its financial abuse. And their partners in a lot of cases prevent them from going out to work as part of the abuse.

TBF when I WOH I do spend money of stuff that I don't when I'm working from home. I expect that's common....

But tempted though I am, I don't employ someone to lay out my clothes for me and read my post ...

Oooh I dreaming of employing a George Clooney/Bradley Cooper lookalike being my slave....almost worth going back to for.

Though that may be nice eye candy creamy I think you get more bang for your buck with a germanic spinster in her early fifties!

Someone who will starch the sheets and clean out the garage!

No, no, no.

I could probably forgive George Clooney some very poor quality cleaning.

Today I have cooked, cleaned, ferried DC to and from activities, made a Roman costume , unblocked the sink and sorted out some paperwork.

Oh - and worked a full time job.

I do accept that there are some savings to be made by having a SAHP, however some on here have odd ideas about what WOHP do!

*loving the idea that working people have cooks and chaufeurs and PAs to do their admin .

People don't actually believe that do they*

No they don't but many do have Cleaners and gardeners.

Maybe I should return to work. I wonder how much I would earn.

I am early 50's unqualified and dyslexic. I should be a real catch to the job market. Oh and I am a dab hand with dodgy electrics and scrambling about on roofs. My last job was as a comptometer operator.

you could be a cleaner or a gardener

(sorry couldnt resist)

Mercibucket then I could employ a cleaner, gardener, roofer, electrician, tiler, taxi driver and kitchen fitter to do the jobs I have not time to do. Dh would have a fit if I announced I was going back to work for someone else.

Oh and saying people work for 40 hours per week leaves 70 hours to do the DIY etc... Not everyone leads the same lives. On the week he is home apart from travel of 2 hours per day and dh working 55hrs per week, every other week he is away to some far flung country so he is "at work" 24 hours per day. He is going away for 2 weeks next week. Shall I tell him that I am going out cleaning someone else's houses full time and could he pop back from Hong Kong to take the kids to their after school clubs or maybe help out with the tea a few days per week.

My DH is in Shanghai this week I'm going to email him to come home and unload the dishwasher and change a lightbulb.