My DP cheated with a man..

[threeblueducks]

He's always been open about being bisexual but has only ever been with women.
He cheated on me 3 years ago when I was 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks before our wedding day and I know I should have left then but I wasn't strong enough.
Today he took his phone in the bathroom to play music while he showered and left it playing once finished so I went to turn it off, swiped the screen and some app called 'grindr' came up. I saw he'd set up a profile and sent pictures to men and one said about meeting Sunday (tomorrow).
So I asked him about it. I'm quite open minded and don't mince my words or bullshit so I asked him about it. What's this app? Why is it on your phone? Why are you sending nude photos to people?
He denied it all and said he didn't know what I was talking about, rolled his eyes and told me I shouldn't look at his phone.
I pushed him and pushed him until he snapped at me and told me that yes he'd been on the app. Sent photos. Arranged to meet. And that last Sunday while I took our 2 year old to his great nans for dinner, he went 'on the spur of the moment' and had full on sex with a stranger he'd been talking to. They did everything you could imagine from what he has told me.
I vomited through shock and told him to get away from me and have kind of locked myself away upstairs. Our son is downstairs with him playing like normal and he keeps texting my phone telling me he's sorry and will make it right.
There's no way that can happen is there?? It'll never be right again.

You are doing great.

He is really going to play the homophobia card for all it is worth he doesn't get that it wasn't that...

Keep your dignity and have the same simple response to anyone who brings it up. It is the cheating (with a random found on individual on the internet) not who with after you had already forgiven him for it once and walk away with your head high.

He is now free to have sex with whatever he wants.

The whole point is though that he had already cheated, and been forgiven once.

He also chose a particularly risky type of infidelity which could have health implications for the op. As he obviously wants dangerous sex with strangers how long will it be before he moves the bar to unprotected sex?

Id be sceptical, as having tagged himself privately as bisexual, if this was the first time he had been with a man whether prior to your relationship or during. Would you tag yourself that way if you had not had that experience?

I agree with other posters on two fronts though - infidelity is unacceptable -bisexuality is no excuse unless you have started the relationship with that agreement. I also would think long and hard before becoming involved with someone bisexual as there would be part of their sexuality I could not satisfy - would it eventually become too much of a problem?

the reason I brought up the sexuality was because of the op's friend having said that perhaps he had done it because he needed something op couldn't give him.

Fact is that often when someone cheats with someone of the same sex people sympathise with them in a "it's so sad because he/she must have been so confused/hurting/ and is so brave to finally be out..." etc, whereas if they cheat with another man/woman they are just cheats.

In the op's case she knew her p was bisexual so that side of things isn't an issue. but it is naïve to think that for everyone it wouldn't be or that everyone should be comfortable with the notion of having a sexual relationship with someone who has slept with someone who is the same sex as they are. I don't care what anyone's sexual preferences are and if they want to have a relationship with men or women or both, as long as all are consenting. But I wouldn't personally want a sexual relationship with someone who had had sex with another man, that is my sexual preference - to be with only heterosexual men... in the same way as I know that many homosexuals have issue with people who are bisexual... etc. It's personal choice...

If I found out my dp had cheated with another man it would be a double betrayal because A, he had cheated and B he had lied about his sexuality, but if that happened I have little doubt that he would still get the sympathy.

My friend's dh decided that he wanted to become a woman, at a time when they were going through the process of adopting a child. Obviously he had always had these feelings but the fact is she was oblivious until he dropped the bombshell. He had gone through the façade of marriage and wanting to become parents/then applying to go through the adoption process and then dropped it on her at the most inopportune moment. And he was the one who got all the sympathy "oh how tortured he must have been/how difficult it must have been, surely you have to understand what it was like for him," while meanwhile he left a devastated woman behind who has never got over the fact theat her entire marriage was a sham and that not only that but she couldn't divorce him but due to the fact he changed identities the marriage actually had to be annulled.

Op I would drop your friend like a hot brick and keep doing what you're doing.

You've been so strong, well done. I think deep down you know what you need to do Ducks. Wish you all the best and to your little one xxx

You're doing so well duck.

I don't know how you're stopping yourself from telling everyone. Not to be spiteful but because he sounds like he thinks he has the moral high ground here!

Just keep any questions & answers short and sweet regarding the split, financial arrangements and access to your child.
He sounds the type whose determind to manipulate, twist and drag out the whole process by whinging to you, friends and family about every little detail, draining you emotionally in the process.
What a wanker he is for going to your place of work, discussing private matters with your boss and FB friends - this would infuriate me.
MN needs boxing gloves under the smiley list.

You're doing great OP. I really can't believe he's trying to play the homophobia card on you. He did have sex with someone else that wasn't YOU!

I also agree with Wannabe's comment from earlier.

My exH is either gay or bi (since he has not yet done me the honour of enlightening me I do not know -- at this point I do not care). Telling people that detail in the wake of our separation made their eyes glaze over and remark, 'Oh poor X, it's so hard for 'them' you know. He must have been under a lot of stress.' The gay or bi thing was not what I was complaining about any more than I was complaining about him having green eyes. I simply would have liked to know way back before I made the decision to marry him and leave Ireland with him to go to the US that he wasn't sure if he was straight or gay or bi or if he was sure he was bi or gay then obviously I should have been told that. The information should have been something I factored into my life-altering decision. It would also have made me think a lot harder about having babies with him. The issue is integrity, and using others for their laundry and cooking and baby making services while you lead your own separate and secret sex life outside the home or on the home computer is not the mark of someone with integrity. Ducks knew about the bisexuality but she still has a perfect right to expect faithfulness.

Gay and bi people are just as capable of having integrity as anyone else is. (I don't mean that to be patronising, just posting fast).

I think your depression might be positively influenced by getting this soul sucker out of your life.

The gender isn't relevant. It's the intent and actions. I'll bet good money his liaisons are far more numerous than you know. Sorry

Playing the homophobia card is really abusive. Well done for what you did during the encounter.

Morning ducks. Hope you're ok

How are you doing Ducks?

Still not heard back for a while now

threeblueducks, I'm so sorry. Poor you. I am straight, but I know that some bi men like/need to have opportunistic sex with strangers. It's a drive. If you think about it, this is so far outside what we normally do in a stable, monogamous relationship that it's hard to see how a person with the compulsion to organise this kind of risky, emotionless sex with a complete stranger at short notice can be satisfied in a normal, tender relationship with a long-term partner. Also, it's likely to be habitual, sorry to say.

That person should choose one lifestyle or the other. By committing to have a family, the door to the casual-sex-with-strangers-lifestyle should be treble-bolted forever. It's a moral issue, it's a respect issue, it's a health issue, as well as a lifestyle one.

He can't make it right. He cheated on you and you are married now. It's actually irrelevant whether he cheated with a man or a woman. I'd ask him to leave and initiate seperation/divorce.