My DP cheated with a man..

[threeblueducks]

He's always been open about being bisexual but has only ever been with women.
He cheated on me 3 years ago when I was 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks before our wedding day and I know I should have left then but I wasn't strong enough.
Today he took his phone in the bathroom to play music while he showered and left it playing once finished so I went to turn it off, swiped the screen and some app called 'grindr' came up. I saw he'd set up a profile and sent pictures to men and one said about meeting Sunday (tomorrow).
So I asked him about it. I'm quite open minded and don't mince my words or bullshit so I asked him about it. What's this app? Why is it on your phone? Why are you sending nude photos to people?
He denied it all and said he didn't know what I was talking about, rolled his eyes and told me I shouldn't look at his phone.
I pushed him and pushed him until he snapped at me and told me that yes he'd been on the app. Sent photos. Arranged to meet. And that last Sunday while I took our 2 year old to his great nans for dinner, he went 'on the spur of the moment' and had full on sex with a stranger he'd been talking to. They did everything you could imagine from what he has told me.
I vomited through shock and told him to get away from me and have kind of locked myself away upstairs. Our son is downstairs with him playing like normal and he keeps texting my phone telling me he's sorry and will make it right.
There's no way that can happen is there?? It'll never be right again.

[lavenderhoney]

No it will never be right again, but from your post it never really was:(

The fear of contracting an sti must be uppermost in your mind, so you could get checked out. But then unless both you and him are prepared to undergo regular monthly checkups I can't see a sex life getting off the ground at all.

Then what is left is a man who cheats, lies, sneaks off for sex with strangers whilst you look after your child. And telling you details... This is a man who IMO wants a single life. What would he do, if he were you?

Being a cool wife doesn't really work, does it? You're setting yourself up for years of misery.

What do you want to do/ happen next?

[threeblueducks]

Thankyou for your comments. I've shocked myself and have remained quite calm this evening. Once ds was in bed I sat down and told him I want him to leave. I told him i genuinely feel nothing towards him- I'm not even angry. The upset will come I am sure, but right now I'm so busy digesting the sheer arrogance and stupidity of the man I can feel anything more than a desire to sleep for a very long time.
He's refusing to leave. It's my house, my mortgage, but he won't go. He started crying and I walked away. I can't deal with this tonight. I can't be bothered.
I have confided in a close friend who lives about 70 miles away, and she's coming to see me tomorrow, but for now I'm closing my bedroom door and hoping that'll be enough of a 'fuck off and leave me alone' for him to understand.

[skyeskyeskye]

Sorry this has happened to you OP. cheating is cheating whether with a man or a woman. The risk of STI could be high if he's had sex with a stranger.

I personally wouldnt be able to see a way back from this... If he's got a desire for men, for seedy sex with strangers then he is putting himself and you at risk.

I don't think "I'm sorry" can make it ok.....

[LavenderGreen14]

So you own the house, are not married and he refuses to leave?

So if you packed his bags and changed the locks while he is at work he would not be able to get back in?

[threeblueducks]

He's sitting downstairs playing some video game. The more I look at this from an outsiders perspective the more pathetic I seem for sticking around for the last 3 years.

[AnyFucker]

Your house, your mortgage, he has no right to be there ?

What are you waiting for?. Get some mates round and put his stuff in bin bags, bye bye sleazy fucker.

or are you going to forgive him again ?

[threeblueducks]

No I'm not forgiving again. The last 3 years have been miserable, seen me suicidal, heavily medicated for anxiety and depression and wishing I could stay at work instead of coming home as the people there treat me so wonderfully. Something is clicking in my head... making me realise 25 year olds shouldn't be carrying so much shit and feeling I've failed before I've actually had a chance to live.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

As he has no legal right to be there, simply refuse to let hom back in the next time he goes out.

This man has ruined how many years of your life?

You are young. You can and will get closure and make a new, better, life for you and your son.

I have known a woman in your situation. She is a new person. Literally a million miles away from the shaddow of herself she was when she was going through this.

[Forgettable]

If he's your husband then getting him out is not quite so simple. Not clear from your OP. (You refer to him as DP but reffed cheating before your wedding?)

Yes ring your mates, get a posse up to support your request for him to leave.

I understand you might want to leave it til morning, not to upset/wake your child, but still. You can garner a good handful overnight ready to despatch dick for brains int he morning, yes?

You poor poor thing.

[GarlicMarchHare]

Oh, god, poor you. For me, being unfaithful using a NSA site like grindr would feel even worse than an affair. It's so deliberate. (I've been through the affair thing and the prostitutes thing, and it's all bad!) Can't believe he hasn't even had the decency to leave your house. What a prat.

Your shock seems to be serving you well atm. I'm relieved to hear you've a friend on the way - do lean on people, please, and let it all out! It sounds as though you're going to need the anger.

for you.

[threeblueducks]

We never married. I called it off and moved back in with my mum and dad for a while but we got back together before baby was born. So hopefully that makes things a little easier?
He's just tried to come up to bed. I'm now in the spare room so he's nowhere near me. Come to think of it, the thought of ever sleeping in that bed again knowing he'd slept with somebody else and then came home and touched me and held me there makes me want to be violently sick.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Has he no shame, no remorse except a half-hearted 'sorry'?

He went to get back in the bed after you told him it's over and after he has shattered your life again!

Plan on getting him out, it sounds like that's your immediate priority.

Unbelievable - I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[evelynj]

OP, so sorry this has happened but to echo others, send him packing & take his keys now if you can to save The expense of changing the locks-send him for milk or something when your friend arrives. It's so rude to come to your bedroom after this. Why has he no shame?

Glad you have a friend & hope someone with better advice is along soon. Cheating is cheating. End of. He had no right to be there anymore, visitation discussions can start in a few days, I'm the meantime just stay safe until he is well rid.

[Trojanhouse]

He needs to go OP
I actually don't think that he thinks that he has done anything wrong because he slept with a man rather than a
woman. He is a deceitful and selfish individual
I suspect that he has slept with other men previously
This man has to leave the house

[Dirtybadger]

Failing that. Find his keys. Remove the house key. Good luck getting back in mate.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Yes, get the DCs out of the way, get angry and get help to get him gone, then kettle on, brew and.....breeaaathe!

[str8tothepoint]

You seem so strong really you do

Couldn't you talk to your parents? Especially if he's refusing to leave I think they could help get rid

You need space and no contact with this rat

Please don't let him push you down, I read about your suicidal, anxiety path but don't go there again. He's not worth anything never mind pushing yourself to the brink.

We are here for you :-)

[NotJustACigar]

Get his phone again if you can and take photographs of his emailed plans to meet another man and/or forward it to yourself so you have proof. Hold that proof over his head to get him out of your house. Okay that may not be a nice suggestion but considering what he as done I wouldn't hesitate.

You did extremely well not marrying this guy or putting his name on the mortgage!

[TheOrchardKeeper]

If he has no legal right to be there and won't leave then I'd call the police (after threatening him with it in case that works first).

What a disgusting individual

He's not even sorry is he. He tried to come up to bed?? It's just a joke.

Hope you can find the strength to get rid of him

[BitOutOfPractice]

Bloody hell! What a scumbag!

Op I hope you got some sleep and that he left you alone.

You sound strong and brave an d I know you and ds will be fine without this man

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You definitely need some RL support. If you find it embarrassing to tell people the full story then leave it at 'it didn't work out' but you need to apply some serious pressure to getting him out of your home and, for that, you'll need friends, family and possibly outside agencies up to and including the police if necessary.

You really haven't failed. You've been very unlucky to choose a partner who has proven to be serially unfaithful and a terrible liar. If you have a weakness it's that you wanted to love and trust someone who wasn't worthy of it because you lacked confidence. But on the positive side you have your lovely child. Also, you didn't marry him plus you have your own home and you didn't do anything silly like making him a co-owner or mortgagee.... so there's nothing wrong with your judgement.

Sorry you're in this situation but, at 25, you have the chance to start over.

[Joysmum]

Get him out. Not only is he now cocklodging in your house, you've allowed him to persuade you to move out of your own bedroom.

Take his keys then Get him out!

[LavenderGreen14]

And 25 is so very young - you have so many years of potential happiness ahead of you. Don't do nothing and be staring down the barrel of 45 full of misery and regret.

None of this is your fault, please do not be ashamed. Friends will want to know your distress and will want to help you through this, they really well. Please trust them enough to share this.

Get his stuff and put it outside, if he doesn't follow it call the police. You can do it.

[ohfourfoxache]

How are you doing Ducks? Thinking of you x