My DP cheated with a man..

[threeblueducks]

He's always been open about being bisexual but has only ever been with women.
He cheated on me 3 years ago when I was 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks before our wedding day and I know I should have left then but I wasn't strong enough.
Today he took his phone in the bathroom to play music while he showered and left it playing once finished so I went to turn it off, swiped the screen and some app called 'grindr' came up. I saw he'd set up a profile and sent pictures to men and one said about meeting Sunday (tomorrow).
So I asked him about it. I'm quite open minded and don't mince my words or bullshit so I asked him about it. What's this app? Why is it on your phone? Why are you sending nude photos to people?
He denied it all and said he didn't know what I was talking about, rolled his eyes and told me I shouldn't look at his phone.
I pushed him and pushed him until he snapped at me and told me that yes he'd been on the app. Sent photos. Arranged to meet. And that last Sunday while I took our 2 year old to his great nans for dinner, he went 'on the spur of the moment' and had full on sex with a stranger he'd been talking to. They did everything you could imagine from what he has told me.
I vomited through shock and told him to get away from me and have kind of locked myself away upstairs. Our son is downstairs with him playing like normal and he keeps texting my phone telling me he's sorry and will make it right.
There's no way that can happen is there?? It'll never be right again.

Stupid mare, your friend is

AF, are you channelling Yoda?

OP - you're doing so well - dignified and strong and resourceful. If you're looking for new and improved friends you've got loads here.

Well now I'm confused, if what she's on one hand saying he 'needs' is to experiment with shagging men, then how exactly is it physically possible for him to ever get that at home from any woman?

She's not a good friend, she's backed him, realised she's wrong and can't bring herself to admit that the person she decided was the 'wronged party' was actually the one being a shit. Don't bother replying. She doesn't care about your feelings, she might want you two back together because she wants it to be easier for her to be friends with you both and she doesn't have to take sides.

Agree that you do still need STD tests, you've found out about this one and you found out about another earlier, there could well be others inbetween you've not found out about. You can't trust your health to a man who's cheated on you twice.

She thought he'd told me that he thought he may be bisexual and I flipped my lid and threw him out. Which would have been a hideous thing for me to do.
She's up to speed now. She asked him what 'Grindr' was and I've since had an apology from her but she thinks that we're 'the real deal' and I should given him another chance as he was clearly confused and maybe he wasn't getting all he needed at home.
I'm actually glad I hadn't had sex with him in the last week as I would still be scrubbing my skin raw to get the lying bastard off me. First and only time I've been thankful for my period

Damn phone told me I hadn't posted. Ignore duplicate post.

"Maybe not getting what he needed at home"

Ask her how she thinks it is possible for you to grow a cock. Fucking idiot.

The friend's opinion is irrelevant. Don't expect any support from her, don't try to make her understand or agree with you. Her comments about "him not getting what he wants at home" tell you all you need to know.

She's a red herring. Concentrate on the stuff that matters.

That woman is not your friend if she is making comments like that.

Who even thinks like that anyway?

Cheating is cheating.

Whether it be with a man, a woman, a couple, someone 18 someone 60 - it really matters not a smidgen.

Now you see how manipulative/hateful he is being, be glad you made that decision.

Be wary of him making accusations back at you (she's cheating, DC isn't mine etc) as these types will do anything to try and regain control and peoples favour.

Stay strong.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Your replies were superb, ducks :)

"Maybe he wasn't getting all he needed at home" - hahahahah! Stating the obvious, much?! Sadly, "all he needs" isn't compatible with an exclusive relationship is it?

Your 'friend' is a cunt.

Well at least that's another one less to worry about at Christmas. You really don't need judgy and clueless interferers near you.

Concentrate on you and your ds, and give yourself time to sort stuff out and chat to more sensible people.

Well after a long day everything seems to have calmed down. I went to close the curtains at about 8pm and the bag of his stuff had gone, meaning somebody had taken it without any fuss..

I've had a couple of texts start to filter through saying people are sorry to hear we've split, is there anything we can do to mend things etc etc, so I can only assume that the current version of events that is out in the open isn't entirely honest, but not entirely painting me as heartless.
DS asked earlier why daddy wasn't giving him his bath tonight- that was always their thing, so he's a little confused, but doesn't really seem overly bothered, with the distraction of Rio on TV and a glass of warm milk while we snuggled on the sofa.

I'm off to the walk in clinic tomorrow to see if I can get booked in for testing, and I suppose I'm going to have to speak to him at some point in the next day or two to arrange time with our son, and to arrange for things to be moved from the house. 7 years means we have a lot of things that are either jointly bought, or things he's bought, so they'll need a home. We're also booked to go on our first holiday as a 3 in June, so I need to crack on and get that cancelled before the cancellation period runs out and we lose the money.

This is what happens when something like this happens- I become very practical and am able to bottle my emotions quite well... at 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks prior to our wedding 3 years ago I was able to cancel everything in less than 3 hours, and get most of our deposits back before realising the scale of what had just happened. So I know it will hit me, but at least if things are done and I have a plan and people around it'll seem less of a blow.

The one thing I can guarantee is that there will be no going back this time.

I am fully preparing myself for all kinds of accusations, but my conscience is clear. I'm aware there will be people who believe he was driven to cheat, that I forced his hand, that I did it first and so on and so forth, but if I can leave a man after 7 years, I'm sure I can leave any acquaintances that believe he is whiter than white.

Now the real question... or ??

You sound great, OP, and I hope you never take him back. You are worth a thousand of him.

How about just bed if you think you can sleep? It would be the best thing for you.
Knowing there's no going back is actually very helpful as you know what you want. Make it happen step by step. Just remember when you have a wobble, this is nothing for you to be ashamed about - he made a choice, and then acted upon it. Let anyone who you don't care about think what they like. It will take time to adjust and also to work out how you feel about all of this, but you will get there.

definitely x.

You could respond to those texts saying "thanks for your message, it's definitely over as he has been sleeping around again, this time with men."

You may be able to swap any deposit paid toward the holiday over to another booking. I suspect it was booked with your name as the main name. Maybe rather than cancelling it you could ask about that.

Good luck.

ducks You're amazing. x

Now he's swung which side of the fence is he?

From reading your post op any chance of you too staying together for your Ds?

To coin a MN phrase Victorian - Are you on glue? Why on earth would she stay with a man that cheated on her for her DS? What a ridiculous question!

OP So glad you've got rid, as a bisexual myself it doesn't give cart blanche to cheat just because you fancy both sexes. I happen to be married to a man and am 100% faithful, no way would I take a female lover as I've committed to him. In the same way as in the past I've not dreamed of taking a male lover while with a female partner. There is no 'confusion' about it, you either commit to a relationship regardless of sex or you don't. Sorry, gone on a bit of rant there, it just annoys the hell out of me when people use being bisexual or bicurious as a get out of jail free card when caught cheating.

Wishing you and your DS a wonderful future sans arsehole

Well done you. So sad to hear you are in this boat.

Good luck with the STI clinic. Sorry, but I would suggest this is most likely the only time he got caught. Tell them exactly what your DP did, and that it was with a man. Ask to be tested for everything under the sun.

No going back now you will get lonely and he will try to wind you back in, but he will do it again, and it will only be a matter of time before the temptation of bareback becomes too much. He has already risked everything for m2m sex his relationship with you and his chance to raise his son in an intact family. Neither has meant enough to him to resist temptation.

'Twill definitely hit you though .
Stay strong. You will encounter lots of people who think a relationship with a man who is gay or bi means lots of in depth conversations about furniture arranging or paint colours with a sort of female friend who could also paint your toenails really well for you and pick out fantastic outfits for you to wear. Take a deep breath before laying into them. It makes mincemeat out of you emotionally to try to talk to people who don't understand that cheating is cheating, and that living with someone you can never trust leaves you a shadow of your former self.

I agree there is no confusion about it -- you either have integrity or you don't.

You sound awesome and brave. Man, woman, doesn't matter; he cheated on you AGAIN and that's that. Your friend's an idiot and so is anyone else who suggests upu can mend things (once informed of full facts of course).

Actually it's even worse that it was through grindr, which is for NSA stranger sex

I think you sound remarkably together. Only comment I'd make is that there is no rush to get in touch with him over your DS or picking up his things etc. You could easily leave it a few weeks and allow yourself chance to fix up the practical problems you mention like cancelling the holiday - plus have some calm time for yourself and DS. Your life is restarting and it's entirely up to you how quickly or slowly you deal with him.

Good luck

I am aware I may get slated for this view but I think often people excuse this kind of behavior because of an almost societal expectation that people coming out when in a relationship should be treated with nothing but sympathy and understanding, even if they've cheated, they have been so brave etc etc. (hmm)

While I think all cheating is wrong for me cheating with a man would be worse. But then I could never be with someone who was bisexual. Not because I am homophobic but because I am heterosexual and would only want to be in a heterosexual relationship.

Stay strong op, :-)

Now that his dishonesty and cheating are 'out', I think it may become a damaging urge he tried to conceal (from himself and from you) OR, more likely, a standard he will in time expect you to accept. Just my hunch. He might turn it against you (yes - against YOU!) by saying that he's trying to contain himself for YOU and DS and that it's too difficult (so slips up from time to time), that you have to accept this. Which you don't!
Your feelings of fear and dependency need to be addressed head on so that you don't get entangled in all that. But I'm only guessing as to what's in store.

You are doing so well.

This 'friend' needs to remember that he has cheated before and that he has only admitted to the things he has actually being caught out for.

Who knows how often he has actually cheated.

Keep strong xx