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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP cheated with a man..

165 replies

threeblueducks · 22/03/2014 17:12

He's always been open about being bisexual but has only ever been with women.
He cheated on me 3 years ago when I was 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks before our wedding day and I know I should have left then but I wasn't strong enough.
Today he took his phone in the bathroom to play music while he showered and left it playing once finished so I went to turn it off, swiped the screen and some app called 'grindr' came up. I saw he'd set up a profile and sent pictures to men and one said about meeting Sunday (tomorrow).
So I asked him about it. I'm quite open minded and don't mince my words or bullshit so I asked him about it. What's this app? Why is it on your phone? Why are you sending nude photos to people?
He denied it all and said he didn't know what I was talking about, rolled his eyes and told me I shouldn't look at his phone.
I pushed him and pushed him until he snapped at me and told me that yes he'd been on the app. Sent photos. Arranged to meet. And that last Sunday while I took our 2 year old to his great nans for dinner, he went 'on the spur of the moment' and had full on sex with a stranger he'd been talking to. They did everything you could imagine from what he has told me.
I vomited through shock and told him to get away from me and have kind of locked myself away upstairs. Our son is downstairs with him playing like normal and he keeps texting my phone telling me he's sorry and will make it right.
There's no way that can happen is there?? It'll never be right again. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
threeblueducks · 24/03/2014 10:54

More messages left this morning whilst I am at work. Trying to stay as normal as possible, though am feeling terribly jittery and anxious today.
He's said he will meet me after work, so my boss (who I've brought up to speed) has said I may leave early and he and my colleague will head him off.
I don't want anything to kick off but he is determined to make things difficult- of that I'm sure.
Just need to get to Wednesday when I'm off for three days. I feel an impromptu holiday with the small one coming on!
Thankyou for all your kind words and support- its good to know I've got people to speak to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 10:58

Glad to see that some people in your RL are able to offer timely and appropriate support.

LavenderGreen14 · 24/03/2014 10:58

How long does he have to continue like this until you involve the police? Sorry you are feeling jittery - awful :(

ConfusedPixie · 24/03/2014 11:39

Go and enjoy a short holiday! I was reading this when you first posted and am now horrified by your 'friend', drop her like a stone, stupid cow Angry

And to whomever said about staying together for the sons sake, seriously? Women (or men) should put up with cheating, lying cunts for the sake of the kids?!

Dirtybadger · 24/03/2014 11:53

Wannabe what's the difference between a man and a woman in a relationship who are both heterosexual and a man and a woman in a relationship where one is bisexual? I don't follow. My relationships with men are no different to the relationships my heterosexual friends have with men. Me liking boobs doesn't change the dynamic whatsoever.

Well done OP. Use the money from the cancelled holiday for a nice short treat for you and dc! Hopfully exdp will be suitably embarrassed by being shooed off by your colleagues, knowing you've told them, etc.
Keep strong you are doing amazing Thanks

struggling100 · 24/03/2014 12:03

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. This is a horrible shock for you. He has committed an appalling betrayal of your relationship.

I definitely think a holiday is a good idea. Try not to see him for as long as you can to give yourself time to process and to gain strength within yourself. Your boss sounds great, and I definitely think you should make sure that those around you are aware of what you're going through so that you can draw on practical support like this wherever necessary.

As for other people - honestly, I would tell close friends asap exactly what has happened so that you have fully functional support in place, but don't worry about what acquaintances think/say. What matters is that you are OK.

ConfusedPixie · 24/03/2014 12:13

wannabe Seriously? I'm glad DP doesn't take that view! You do realise that a relationship is heterosexual when it's a man and a woman right? Mine and DPs relationship is no different to other male/female relationships.

mathanxiety · 24/03/2014 12:15

He is trying to stay in control of all this (by crying 'homophobia' on FB he is trying to get his agenda in people's minds, and by telling you he will meet you after work he is not giving you any choice). So good for you for fighting back.

Nomama · 24/03/2014 13:23

Not sure why Wannabe is getting it the neck. I agree.

  1. Duck's NowEx is almost bound to get the sympathy vote from some. 'Oh you poor man, fancy having all of that bottled up inside and not knowing what to do or who to turn to. And the she threw you out just as you reached crisis - the cow!
  1. I too would much rather be in a relationship were neither of us is in anyway gender confused, uncertain or impartial. That's sort of normal for me whether the people concerened are hetero, homo or bi.

I am sure that the gay members of my family have had some input on my views. Uncle who was married with kids, now in an very long relationship with a man. SIL who has had bi and gay GFs. She also is in a very long term relationship with a woman who is gay not bi.

But I wouldn't say anyone who is bi shouldn't have a relationship... why would I? As someone upthread has said, it is a matter of decency and commitment.

But I do agree with Wannabe and can't see why s/he is getting a bit of pasting.

Nomama · 24/03/2014 13:28

Damn, Should have re-read that before posting!

I too would much rather be in a relationship were neither of us is in anyway gender confused, uncertain or impartial says something I didn't mean.

I too would much rather be in a relationship where neither of us were in anyway different regarding our sexuality, whether confused, uncertain or happy with either gender. That is normal for me, whether those in a relationship are hetero, homo or bi.

I hope that makes more sense. In short, I don't care about your gender preferences, but if you are in my life I'd prefer you to be focussed on only me.

magoria · 24/03/2014 13:28

You don't have to meet him after work.

It has only been 2 days. If you need space don't meet him.

Ask your boss if you can leave early to avoid him.

SixOfTheBest · 24/03/2014 13:34

I agree with Wannabe too. I've been in the op's position, in my case I found out after almost 20 years together that my ex was picking up strange men in public toilets. He got all the sympathy, I just had to get on with things for my dc's sake.
OP, your dp is a dirty cheating bastard and he would get no sympathy from me. I'd dump the 'friend' too.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/03/2014 14:02

I'm not sure this discussion is relevant or useful to the op.

The long and the short of it is that she entered into a monogamous relationship with her wanker ex. He had other ideas and fucked a stranger off the internet. The sex / sexuality is irrelevant. It's the cheating that matters.

So whether or not you would hypothetically be happy to be in a relationship with a bi man is a bit immaterial here if you don't mind my saying.

So, back to the op. I am as SO glad you aren't meeting him. Good decision.

If you do go away, could you take a friend / relative with you. Just in my experience, single parent holidays with young kids can have a lot of empty hours for dwelling and churning

Nomama · 24/03/2014 14:33

I thought ducks might like a bit of diversion and reassurance that she is not weird, that her friend is the one with a problem. If I could think of an amusing story about a self-outed gay man I would tell it here, so she may be able to raise a smile.

But I can't.... sorry, ducks.

JustBreath · 24/03/2014 14:57

I've been cheated on, my DH (together for 18 years, married for 10) had sex with a prostitute…apparently to hurt me because we were going through a really tough time. Our DS1 was 4 months when I found out, but it happened 2 years prior…dumb ass how can you hurt me if you don't tell me about it! My world was torn apart, but I felt I had no where to go and was horrified with the thought of my son growing up without a proper dad. So I stayed with him, we worked things out, now have another DD2 together. It was a tough journey, but I realised that living alone raising a child would be so much more difficult than living with someone who 'might' cheat on me again. What was most important to me was that we created stability for my son and that someone was there for me, cheater or not. We honestly have moved forward and I feel I made the right decision. You just need to decide whats most important to you and if you choose to stay with him, can you make peace with whats happened and move forward? As he is bisexual, those natural feelings of his may not ever go, so you have to think of the consequences. Sorry I cannot offer any proper advice.

shoom · 24/03/2014 14:59

Justbreath it sounds like he has you well-trained.

shoom · 24/03/2014 15:00

Superfluous hyphen there for some reason.

AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 15:00

JB, how low must your self esteem be to stay with a man that shags a prostitute with the express intent of hurting you ? Sad

Dirtybadger · 24/03/2014 15:05

JB if he's bisexual his feelings won't go away, but it is not his bisexual "feelings" that are the problem. They're irrelevant. The feelings that are a problem are the ones which led him to cheating within a monogamous relationship. With anyone.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 24/03/2014 15:14

Um, JB you're right, how can it hurt you if he didn't tell you? Answer: he didn't 'do it to hurt you', he did it because he wanted to shag a prositute, because he's an absolute dog-end. And when you found out, he made up some bullshit which referenced you and your relationship, a more aggressive version of 'I was depressed and confused so I accidentally fucked someone else.' Others are right, he's got you well trained. As for your son, he'd do a lot better to be shown a better example of relationships, honesty and fidelity than his shitscrape of a father will provide. Unfortunately.

Quinteszilla · 24/03/2014 15:22

In my view bisexuality is the potential of forming emotional and sexual attachment to either gender, not both at the same time. It does not mean you have a carte blanche to shag the gender you are not in a relationship with. If you are in a monogamous relationship, that is it, you are committed to ONE person, not one person and however many of the other gender. Gender is irrelevant. If you love somebody, you dont go lusting after others.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/03/2014 16:01

Justbreath I cannot tell you how sad your post made me.

Especially the bit about having someone (for that read anyone) there for you because yuh couldn't face being alone.

And do you know what, as a lone parent, I find it quite...I dunno...insulting...that you think that happy, settled, loving single parent families are so much worse than having a scumbag father in the family home that you are prepared to have your life and heart trashed all over the floor to avoid it. Because I can assure you it's not.

JustBreath · 24/03/2014 16:22

True…though everyone tells him I have him well trained! I suppose my view was/is everyone makes mistakes, some really bad ones, and sometimes we need to learn to forgive and forget. Believe it or not he really is genuinely a loving/caring person, and I was shocked that he even did that, I actually didnt believe him when he told me. Of course if it happened more than once (threeblueducks) I'm not sure I would stick around.

Original poster
threeblueducks · 24/03/2014 17:04

That's exactly what I was going to say.. This happened after I'd done the forgiveness thing last time round. I won't ever recover from that first time- I won't ever get my first pregnancy back- I don't talk about that time of my life as it's hideous and painful. Similarly I'll never be able to put myself through organising another wedding- 18 months planning unwound and cancelled less than a month before the big day, again because of him. I woke up on Sunday morning and realised I wasn't hurt, I just didn't care. And that to me is worse. To not give even an ounce of a shit what he does is enough for me to know it's beyond repair.
Anyway.
He gave my boss a strange version that I thought he'd been cheating and that clearly I was overstressed at work and not thinking straight. This was before I had a chance to leave so I took him to one side and told him he'd be wise to leave me alone as quite frankly he disgusts me. He muttered something about homophobia and I said, perhaps a wee bit too loudly, that it wasn't the man that bothered me, just the fact it was somebody other than me. And that it wouldn't ever be me again. And that if he wanted to be in a relationship with a man that I would have tried to support that provided our son was put first, and that he'd had the decency to leave me before putting my health at risk. I was then joined by 2 male colleagues and he left.

To touch on the sexuality point briefly- him being bisexual was never an issue in our relationship. He could fancy trees for all I care, just so long as he didn't have a fling with one behind my back Sad

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 24/03/2014 17:09

Threeblueducks well done! You sound so strong and together. I feel proud of you and I don't even know you!

He really is a deluded knobcheese isn't he? Although to be fair it shows a certain degree of mental agility to come up with a way to blame you for this. I'll give him that. He's an ingenious deluded knobcheese!