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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP cheated with a man..

165 replies

threeblueducks · 22/03/2014 17:12

He's always been open about being bisexual but has only ever been with women.
He cheated on me 3 years ago when I was 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks before our wedding day and I know I should have left then but I wasn't strong enough.
Today he took his phone in the bathroom to play music while he showered and left it playing once finished so I went to turn it off, swiped the screen and some app called 'grindr' came up. I saw he'd set up a profile and sent pictures to men and one said about meeting Sunday (tomorrow).
So I asked him about it. I'm quite open minded and don't mince my words or bullshit so I asked him about it. What's this app? Why is it on your phone? Why are you sending nude photos to people?
He denied it all and said he didn't know what I was talking about, rolled his eyes and told me I shouldn't look at his phone.
I pushed him and pushed him until he snapped at me and told me that yes he'd been on the app. Sent photos. Arranged to meet. And that last Sunday while I took our 2 year old to his great nans for dinner, he went 'on the spur of the moment' and had full on sex with a stranger he'd been talking to. They did everything you could imagine from what he has told me.
I vomited through shock and told him to get away from me and have kind of locked myself away upstairs. Our son is downstairs with him playing like normal and he keeps texting my phone telling me he's sorry and will make it right.
There's no way that can happen is there?? It'll never be right again. Sad

OP posts:
Logg1e · 23/03/2014 15:45

Keep your silence until challenged, just as you have done.

You could say something like, "I forgave him when he cheated the last time but meeting that stranger off Grindr to [brief, explicit detail] when I was with his mother was the final straw. I'm guess I'm surprised you feel you could tolerate that, I'm sorry you're disappointed that I can't".

Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 15:54

"I forgave him when he cheated the last time but meeting that stranger off Grindr to [brief, explicit detail] when I was with his mother was the final straw. I'm guess I'm surprised you feel you could tolerate that, I'm sorry you're disappointed that I can't".

^ this.

A good response.

Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 15:55

Also, it seems he is expecting you to prove you are not a homophobe by letting him shag random men.

You dont care about the gender, you want a monogamous relationship, and he doesnt.

Logg1e · 23/03/2014 16:03

Yep, refer every accusation of homophobia to the question, "you think im homophobic because I have asked STBExH to leave after he bragged about having [explicit factual details here] on Sunday??".

MaryWestmacott · 23/03/2014 16:06

I think you are right, let her tell people. If I was you, I'd just say to anyone else that he slept with someone else. If pushed, say it was a man, but otherwise, you've ended it because he's slept with someone else. Don't let this be about him being confused about his sexuality and allow that to muddy the waters, it's about him cheating.

However you do need to tell your parents the truth, that's not something they should hear 2nd hand.

waltermittymissus · 23/03/2014 16:39

Fuck that. Why shouldn't you have told her?

He's the one who cheated with another man, not you.

I agree - every answer should be along the lines of:

You think it's low to kick him out for shagging random men behind my back. I think it's low to cheat on your partner and mother of your child. Guess we both have different opinions.

Figster · 23/03/2014 16:45

Stay strong OP he is wrong here regardless of who he cheated with you are in the right.

Get angry and get on with your life.

Sorry this is happening.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 23/03/2014 16:54

Id have responded I"I am not even vaguely a homophobe but, unfortunately for you, I am a cheatophobe "

As for the "friend" who contacted you would she be able to overlook the potential health implications of a partner who shags random skanky strangers?

Original poster
threeblueducks · 23/03/2014 17:20

He called me just after I'd told my parents what had happened and why I've left him. They're both a bit shocked as when they saw him last 'everything seemed fine' which I suppose is true- up until yesterday nothing seemed remotely different to me either.
When I didn't answer the phone he left a message telling me again he is sorry, that it won't happen again, that he'll take back the comment about me being a homophobe if I let him come home. He needn't bother- having glanced at the status he's made and the comments he's left our friends and family are at various stages of asking why does he say that to telling him to button it.
People are remarkably kind when they know something is going on but not quite what- thank god for sensitive people.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 17:24

Well done.

Now, you need to book yourself in for an STI check.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2014 17:26

Tell him to fuck right off

EverybodysStressyEyed · 23/03/2014 17:32

Wow. I would rather people thought I was a homophobe than stay with someone who thinks a little bit of blackmail can forgive that awful behaviour. At least you can prove the slur wrong whereas he will always have this stain on his character.

Did the mutual friend know he had shagged someone or did she just think he had told you he was bisexual and you had kicked him out on that fact alone?

NotJustACigar · 23/03/2014 17:36

Take screenshots of what he has posted on Facebook in case of any sort of custody fight. Keep a recording of the message he left as well.

Original poster
threeblueducks · 23/03/2014 17:44

She thought he'd told me that he thought he may be bisexual and I flipped my lid and threw him out. Which would have been a hideous thing for me to do.
She's up to speed now. She asked him what 'Grindr' was and I've since had an apology from her but she thinks that we're 'the real deal' and I should given him another chance as he was clearly confused and maybe he wasn't getting all he needed at home.
I'm actually glad I hadn't had sex with him in the last week as I would still be scrubbing my skin raw to get the lying bastard off me. First and only time I've been thankful for my period Grin

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 23/03/2014 17:47

she thinks you should take him back after he had sex with a man - blimey. And not getting what he needed at home - yuck, horrible line to use. This is his fault, not yours.

shoom · 23/03/2014 17:47

Who cares what the friend thinks? She was happy enough to jump to conclusions and berate OP without checking the facts.

He's laughable. What next, OP is racist if he's not allowed to shag [whatever he likes the look of]?

He hasn't met someone, fought it for a while and decided to come clean. He has been doing this for a while and has no regrets other than the inconvenience of being caught.

A pound to a penny says he hasn't asked OP how she or their child is, or at least not without immediately launching an attack about poor him.

Tell all and tell everyone. Get his belongings out of your life. He doesn't sound very nice and I'd be surprised if your self-esteem hasn't been affected by your years with him. So it was going to take something horrendous for you to act. And here it is.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2014 17:48

You still need an sti check hon. There's a good chance it wasn't the first time. It's a grim thought I know but get yourself checked

ohfourfoxache · 23/03/2014 17:50

Urgh your "friend" sounds unhinged.

And if he had cheated on you with a woman? Her view on this would be.....?

Penis or fanjo, it doesn't matter - cheating is cheating.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2014 17:51

she thought he wasn't "getting all he needed at home" ? Shock

tell her to fuck right off too

LavenderGreen14 · 23/03/2014 17:51

That is true - he could have been doing this for a long time. How awful.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 23/03/2014 17:51

Well not getting what he needs at home still isn't your fault unless you have the remarkable ability to switch gender on a whim.

So if you were brunette would it be ok for him to shag a blonde because he hasn't got that at home.

As for the 'real deal' - what the hell does anyone outside a relationship know about that. Mutual friend is just worried that her lovely couple friend are going to be singletons making her life awkward.

You sound very strong - good luck!

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 23/03/2014 17:53

OMG threeblueducks l am shocked that your friend made such a horrible comment. So next time her OP is "confused" of "not getting all he needs at home" would she be quite happy if stuck his dick into one of the many available male and female orrifices of a virtual stranger---l think not Shock

AnyFucker · 23/03/2014 17:53

Manpleasing women make my fucking teeth hurt. Stupid mare, your friend is. With "friends" like that, I would rather live on a desert island.

Whocansay · 23/03/2014 17:58

Your mutual friend thinks he was confused!!! I would say deliberately setting up a tryst and fucking a complete stranger was the very opposite of confused!

As for the bollocks about him not getting 'all he needed at home', well, words fail me.

She is NOT your friend. Tell her to fuck off.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 23/03/2014 18:00

Speechless at your friends remark!