My boyfriend asks your moot - was my Facebook post 'grossly inappropriate'?

[Fullyswindonian]

I have a small Facebook Friendlist consisting of 99% family and old school friends.

One of the people I don't actually know in real life was 'friended' for his similar views.

I recently read something that poignantly reminded me of him, so posted it on my Facebook Wall, but without direct reference to him. It could have easily applied to a small number of other people on my Friendlist, but he was the only one who chose to respond with comments.

My boyfriend considered it 'grossly inappropriate' as he believes the Facebook friend is interested in me, despite the fact we have no dialogue and certainly nothing even remotely smutty or off topic has occurred. He isn't attractive to me in any way, in fact I find him 'unattractive' in most ways.

I will admit however to a small degree of naievety as I mostly fail to intuit when a man is interested in me, I've been told.

At my boyfriend's suggestion, I put my Facebook post up here for your inspection and opinion.
I would genuinely like to know if my post was inappropriate/ disrespectful to my boyfriend.
My post was prefixed with something along the lines of 'just read a poem by one of my favourites and it reminded me of someone on my Friendlist who is also all these things'.

My boyfriend and I are both mid Forties, neither married nor cohabiting, and I am the only one wothout children from a previous relationship. He is universally considered genuine, kind and fair.

Praise

I praise you because
you are artist and scientist
in one. When I am somewhat
fearful of your power,
your ability to work miracles
with a set-square, I hear
you murmuring to yourself
in a notation Beethoven
dreamed of but never achieved.
You run off your scales of
rain water and sea water, play
the chords of the morning
and evening light, sculpture
with shadow, join together leaf
by leaf, when spring
comes, the stanzas of
an immense poem. You speak
all languages and none,
answering our most complex
prayers with the simplicity
of a flower, confronting
us, when we would domesticate you
to our uses, with the rioting
viruses under our lens.

~RS Thomas

You have got some unfair comments here, but it does read like there is a mismatch between your actions and your words. For you, obviously this discrepancy doesn't exist, or you wouldn't have posted here.

What it READS like, is that:

1. You friended a stranger with whom you have loads in common
2. You posted a very florid love poem that 'poignantly' reminded you of him, in a way that became clear to your friends and boyfriend that it was intended for this other man
3. You disclaimed responsibility for these false impressions, saying he 'was friended' and you find him 'repellent'. But YOU chose to add him, YOU chose to post the poem.

What would you think if the roles were reversed? Honestly, how do you think the other man feels? Even a modest type could see a come on in this poem. It does seem like perhaps you are enjoying having an online intellectual soulmate, even if there is nothing physical. If there is really nothing too it, and you're not even RL friends, can't you just delete him? This sounds like a very unstable dynamic.

Sorry to hear you got dumped OP. Even though I do agree with your BF and everyone else on this thread that your post was indeed grossly inappropriate, I sympathise as you must be feeling really awful right now.

May I advise that unless you do want this fb friend to make a move on you, you need to defriend him right away. You've made so many claims of naivity above that you may not realise that if a person gets dumped by person A for posting a poem about person B, it is more or less expected that they will shortly be embarking on a relationship with person B. Unless all your protestations above above how repellant this guy is were purely coded "please don't dump me" messages to your ex, and not actually true, you need to do this.

I don't agree that it was grossly inappropriate as it happens. If it was posted as a private message or a text message, yes it might be. But if you're posting it in a general 'I like this poem' kind of way, then it's not directed at anyone in particular. Even the part about it reminding the OP of someone on the friend list is pretty vague. There may have been others thinking it referred to them.

However, what I think or others think is unimportant. If the boyfriend was offended, that's entirely his prerogative..

I think if your boyfriend made you delete all your exes you may be will rid of him.

Nice to see the mumsnet vipers are out in force! Do some of you have nothing better than to read something into posts that isn't their and then tear the Op apart??!!

Op - against the grain of most ppl here o don't think the poem alludes to any secret feelings or inappropriate behaviour on your part. I think you have been a little niave in your understanding of this friends intentions towards you but I also struggle to notice when ppl are Chatting me up

Your bf dumping you over comments made by a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum is way ott quite frankly so I hope that was said for dramatic effect and if not then you are probably better off without him. My dp would be out the door faster than anything if he tried to dictate who I could/couldn't be friends with quite frankly!!

Hope you are ok and things work out!'

Although I did find posting the poem inappropriate, your now-ex control of who you have on FB sounds at the very least like a yellow flag. Unless you were flirting shamelessly with those men.

At your age, it would be expected a bit more awareness of what could lead a man or not, but at the same time, if you are what you are, then you need someone who is comfortable with that and doesn't feel threatened.

In any case, you may think when you address other men how comfortable you'd feel if your boyfriend did the same thing. That should give you a clue.

Sory to hear you have been dumped. I think you like playing games and yiu lie to yourself about your own motives.
do you like this man - does he infact have many talents you admire?
Or do you find him annoying, in which case given you've never even met him and he is nothing to you, why is he on your friends list?
Have you told him you've been dumped?

It's inappropriate for sure, and if I saw that scenario played out on a friend's Facebook I would raise an eyebrow, which presumably is why your boyfriend was upset/embarrassed in part. However it's not a dumpable offence, unless you've got form for this, so it leaves the option that your boyfriend is a wee bit controlling and unreasonable.

I'm sorry you got dumped agree that if you don't actually want to be with Mr Welsh Poetry it's possibly best to let him know that ASAP. Hope you have a better day today.

Sorry you got dumped OP.

But you're right, there is something seriously wrong with your radar on these things. Proven by your response to vicar - the first person in 3 pages to defend you.

Frankly although I'm sorry you've been dumped I think you're better off without him.

The poem is clearly a reference to God. I had to go back and reread it trying to find a suggestion of love/romantic intention but I still don't see it. As a woman with many male friends I would go spare if my husband was this controlling. You read a poem, it reminded you of a talented human being, you stuck it on FB. How is that a crime?!

I think your exboyfriend has confidence issues. To others on here-the ex made her unfriend people he wasn't comfortable with. I thought that was grounds for her dumping him!!? I'm not sure I "know" when people are attracted to me. We don't all walk around wondering if men fancy us.

It's even worse if it's reference to God, because then you are likening the person to God! I'd be upset if DH posted that poem to anyone.

Sorry. I had to snort with laughter at the thought of the OP likening someone to God. Honestly? I think you're all being too literal about this. I agree some of OP's posts are detached an don't fit Mumsnet norms but I'm not sure she was suggesting this guy was like God.

Definitely a poem about God. I'd assume anyone who thought otherwise hadn't read it all the way through and knew nothing about the poet. With just 23 friends and the lead in you gave it, it is hardly surprising that both your boyfriend and the other man interpreted it as intended for him.

Well, it was intended for the other man.

I recently read something that poignantly reminded me of him [other man], so posted it on my Facebook Wall

From OP's first post.

It may have been posted with him in mind but if it was solely intended for him then (and I don't know a huge amount about FB) surely you'd send it privately in an e-mail, text or message rather than as a general status update?

Sounds definitely like a poem of praise to God, but OP used it with this other gentleman in mind, no Godly intentions!.

Off topic, but what a pompous poem.

"Sounds definitely like a poem of praise to God, but OP used it with this other gentleman in mind, no Godly intentions!."

I agree. Still a cheesy poem imo .

Did your (now ex - sorry) BF really 'ask our moot' - in those words? (it's a phrase that I have seldom if ever heard used IRL!) If so, then he would surely be the type to respond to your FB posting by entering into a debate about the interpretation of the poem and its meaning, rather than feeling annoyed that you meant it for someone else.

If not, then you have chosen to post with that phrase, rather than (for instance) 'BF wants to know what MN thinks' - and I wonder if this whole thread was, like your FB post, more about opportunities for you to tell this little corner of the world that you know about Welsh poets, and little-used English idioms, and stuff. Have you asked any of your other FB friends (by private message) what they thought of the post?

If one of my FB friends posted such stuff on their page in an attempt to get their friends to read Welsh poetry I'd probably defriend them.

I'd agree with others, it was inappropriate.

Out of interest, OP- what colour is his scarf?

it's all very fourth form isn't it? ....A modern day passing of notes via friends.

I am glad none of you are on my fb page, with your coy vanity postings and the boyfriend who insists you have no other male interests on your list.

Apricot, for sure.

If a bloke I was randomly friends with on FB, whom I knew had a girlfriend, posted such a poem - well, I would never in a million years be so vain as to think it was about me.

It says an incredible amount about him that he picked that up, and ran with it...

I thnk that's where a great deal of the inappropriateness comes from - his reaction, as much as anything else.