I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

[FlatsInDagenham]

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

Ok here is my view.

There are two types of people who hit children.

One type do it because they get a kick out of it. That's a ltb without hesitation.

The second do it out of frustration and a lack of other strategies to use for behaviour management, probably they were brought up with that being discipline for them, it's the only way they know to handle the situation. To me that is NOT a ltb. They need help, education, parenting classes and support to find other ways to handle it.

Only the op really know what's going on here.

The complete priority is obviously to keep the children safe.

Regardless of the reason, the child must be protected first and foremost.

If he is minimizing it, he's likely to do it again, when the OP is not around.
He also has history and no improvement.

As with DV, it doesn't matter if the abuser is doing it because he is nasty, ill or has anger management problems.
If he is being violent, the partner must be protected and away from the abuser.

Giving him six months to demonstrate his commitment to his children by seeking help is not LTBing.

And to clarify, I mean six months outside the family home, the children can't be at risk during the second chance.

Sorry for ignorance...not an MN veteran.....what's an LTB?

Leave The Bastard.

Or LingTB, leaving the bastard. :)

Or LTBing, leaving the bastard.

I did not mean to upset you. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love but he is harming your children in so many ways and you are putting a man above your own kids.

He has an alcohol problem, verbally abuses your daughter and has now hit her. Why have you not kicked him out of the house yet? why is he still there? why are you having family meals with him?

I hope ss do get involved as even on the limited information you provided I am worried for your children and I don't think you are prepared to put them first.

Thanks logg1e...I'm on iPad so can't easily access the abbreviations!

You're welcome.

Poor girl, and poor you. I would run for the hills with my kids in row.

Hope it all works out. I agree with others, report it so ur Dd cam see it's not right xxx

Rebecca, I have asked him to leave. I am quite clearly putting my children before my man here. I don't really know why you keep insisting it's the other way round.

I think the 6 months thing is a good idea.

But he has to seek parenting classes and also to seek help with his drinking (because you can't just live with that either, it's not good for the kids to grow up like that).

They can see him regularly supervised for days out/meals out etc but are in a public place and safe.

I think (I hope anyway) nobody on here is trying to upset you or say you are a bad Mum. It just gets everyone's heckles up to think of a man hitting a very young child. It's an emotive thing and everyone has an opinion on it.

I hope he gets the help and doesn't do it anymore because it would be a shame to lose the relationship.

But if after the 6 months he does it again I'd seriously advise calling it a day.

I'm sorry for saying that but it's what would be best for your children.

I honestly wish you the very best.

So if he's agreed (grudgingly) to 6 months away, when is he going flats?

How are you doing?

He hasn't agreed but I am insisting. I have taken the children out for the day. If he doesn't go today I am going to call Women's Aid for advice.

Good luck Flats.

Can I ask, and I'm sorry to poke my nose in, but are you on autopilot? Maybe I'm reading a bit much into how your last post was structured, but I get the feeling you're exhausted x

Autopilot can be good. Just do what needs to be done and process it later.

Does he know he's supposed to leave today?

By what time?

As others have said, make a report to the police. As I understand it, it's a two strikes and you're out kind of thing. My ex husband once shouted abuse at me across the street. My solicitor told me I must report it, as if he did it again he would be arrested. But not if I didn't report the first time x

Oh, I think 6 months in the family home is fine, to be honest. He needs to deal with. The anger management and parenting whilst he's actually under pressure in that environment.

Telling him to leave for 6 months is ridiculously counter-productive and will remove all stresses. Pointless. He won't be challenged at all, and won't see the point of it. And will be under even more stress when he returns as he'll have forgotten how irritating and needy small children are, 24/7.

Getting him to leave is a total over-reaction if he is going to seek help and you plan to work through it.

If you've given up on him anyway, sure, get him to pack. But do so honestly, and tell him it's over and he isn't coming back.

If he is let in the home for 6 months, he has free reign to abuse the little girl and has no incentive to get better. What makes you think he will take the deadline serious?

I allowed exH back in the home telling him we were finished and gave him a month to possibly change my mind where he could not do cross any boundaries. It took him about a day to start pushing them.

If he is kicked out, that is a huge stress by itself. Then the OP can see if he volunteers to seek parenting courses, counselling, general help, if he copes with being apart, is reliable in contact, and so on.

Being apart is not easy at all for him. Staying in is.

I would think OPs H does not have so much an anger management problem so much as a drink problem of many years standing and probably preceding their own relationship. It has cost OP very dearly and separation is a way forward for her and her children.

wurstwitch You are wrong. As long as he remains in the family home, the OP will be required to police not only his behaviour but also actively keep her DC safe.

He needs to leave because he is a danger (safeguarding issue as SS called it in our case). I was told that if I hadn't told STBXH to leave, then I would be considered to be allowing DCs to be unsafe, and SS would be within their rights to remove the children from both of us. Thankfully, I had kicked him out.

OP he won't change, you need to stay strong and get him to leave.

Please also report this to someone. Otherwise down the line your kids will end up unsupervised with this man.

Yes I am tired, and I can't eat or sleep properly. But my posts have become short and guarded because DH has found the thread. I'm not hiding anything from him but I don't feel particularly 'safe' posting any more.

I have asked him to leave today but he hasn't gone I don't think. I don't want to go home but at the same time I really need to, so I can take DD to school tomorrow. Besides, I haven't brought any overnight stuff.