I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

[FlatsInDagenham]

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

He has not even left the house yet, they had a lovely family meal. Nice message to send to your daughter.

Good luck today Flats. You are totally doing the right thing. Has he got somewhere he can go today? He will probably say no because he is being manipulative and wants to stay and manipulate further. If he will not leave today you are totally justified in calling the police. Your little family will be so much happier after the initial adjustment bit and you also need to be very careful about future contact - eg - no unsupervised contact.

I will also point out that my parents both hit me. I have had such a messed up relationship with them. I bounced from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

I was determined to raise my DCs differently. My STBXH was abusive to my DCs. He has been kicked out. He was getting supervised contact and still was being abusive. He is now being denied contact.

And SS must be advised, it is your best protection against him having her unsupervised or he'll carry on and you won't be there to protect her.

I agree with you, Wurstwitch, but we really are in a minority.

Rebecca I post on here for support not judgement. If you or others like you continue to beat me down every time I try to explain how fucking hard this is, I will retreat from the thread because I will feel I can't be honest abouthow I'm feeling. And what's the point of this thread if I can't lay it all out as it is.

And if you or anyone else thinks that it should be an easy thing to throw out your partner of 22 years, who most of the time is lovely but sometimes does unacceptable things, please think again.

I am trying, I feel constantly sick and ill with it all, it is really fucking hard. Any more judgemental shit like that and I'm off the thread.

And yes, you must make him leave immediately. Every day you delay or allow him to stall is another day for him to work on you mentally and emotionally, to wear you down, to minimise, to plead that he has nowhere to go, and so on.

Where he goes and what he does to fix this are HIS problem. Do NOT help him organise any appointments, any housing, any ANYTHING. This is his chance to show you he can be an adult.

STBXH swore he'd do whatever it took to get his family back. He's not even looked into counselling. I knew he wouldn't go. He still doesn't admit he's done anything wrong, almost a year later, still minimising.

If I have over reacted to Rebecca then I apologise. I can't eat or sleep properly and I feel absolutely wretched this morning.

Flats of course it's hard. Loads of us have done it. I've done it with more than one partner FFS. And it isn't any easier having done it before.

But I had to place my child at the top of my list of priorities. My child and his well being must come first.

It's not judgement. It's fact.

flats,

You need to remember your own words here:-

"It's hard to stay strong. Despite his warped thinking on this and the years of alcohol abuse, I still love him. I am heartbroken it's come to this but I must stay strong. I have drawn a line at last and I'm not about to rub it out again".

You have to stay strong though because your children are counting on you. They do not have him as a good role model therefore you have to be that to them.

I would also suggest that you read up on co-dependency in the near future as well because there are often elements of this in relationships where alcohol has been a problem through the relationship. You may well have become conditioned to put his needs first and yours dead last.

I remember what it is like to be sick with worry and in inner turmoil.

Have you considered Alanon for RL support? It is very non-judgemental and no-one will pressure you to do anything in particular or encourage you to accept the unacceptable.

When I was at my most vulnerable someone suggested just taking things an hour at a time or even 5 minutes at a time and this helped me a lot.

Best of luck.

Flats, you say he's mostly lovely but sometimes does unacceptable things.

Everyone can be lovely and nice. It's the bad bits that should be decisive.
He only needs to do one unacceptable thing. By definition, if it's unacceptable, then you shouldn't accept it. End of.

fingers crossed for you

Just to add re the 6 months...when I was in the refuge I was advised by a HV abusive men do the minimum to get what they need back.....

It is very hard but reading between the lines I think despite still loving him you may well find life is much easier without him there

Wurstwistch..yes I completely agree kids press our buttons but actually as an adult ...If you are wound up you walk out the room, control your emotions, and at least feel remorseful you have stepped over the mark

I'm gobsmacked at the posters who wouldn't protect their their children from this (or, rather, someone else's child).

I think the six months separation is a great idea...it gives him an in incentive to improve, attend courses...find somewhere else to live etc. Its not as permanent and heart wrenching for you, and most importantly, it's acting on the incident...now.

But don't backslide, as the PP said, couple of weeks to find somewhere and it's all blown over...

You know separating is the right thing to do, for you and for your children...it's shit and it's hard, but it's do-able...so do it!

Do you have a local Domestic Abuse / Women's Aid resource? They will give you support, advice, and could probably keep a record of the incidents. You still ought to report to SS / police, but it's more important for now to start the trial separation.

Just listen to yourself giving him another chance....then ask yourself what WOULD it take for you to separate from him, if not this? Statistics show it takes 37 incidents of abuse before a woman leaves...don't let him assault your babies another 34 times before you take action x

OP, I was abused by my mums partner when I was younger and I grew up hating them both for years. I had a dreadful relationship with my mum for a long time because I blamed her for allowing it to happen and not protecting me.

My h smacked our dd when she was about 7, she's 13 now. He slapped her leg and left a mark, she was so upset she ran to her bedroom crying hysterically. I'm not proud of myself but I almost knocked h off his feet I hit him so hard. I just saw red! We have 5 DC and they are my world, I'm not completely anti-smacking but it's just not something I do. I grew up when it was the norm, I've been smacked around the head by many things, had serious good hidings when young and corporal punishment was still alive and kicking while I was at school.

My h might be a total knob & piss me off but he'd never ever raise his hand to any of our DC again and never did after that one episode. I realised the safest place he could be would be behind bars in a police cell if he ever had rather than near me.

I completely understand how ending a marriage after 22 years is hard, I don't think it's ever easy but your DC are so young and need protecting

Sending (((hugs))) and support for you, flats I think this thread is attracting more outrage than support. But don't be put off, flats please keep posting.

You need to stand up for your children!

This could be your daughter in the future if you don't get help now.

I had both parents being abusive my Mum would beat me for no reason and my Dad would call me horrific names.

I became anorexic at the age of 7 that went on till I was 16 and I've had times where I've relapsed over the years and I'm 38 now.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 13 because of the abuse!

I ended up in lots of abusive relationships thanks to my parents horrendous behavior towards me as that was all I thought I deserved.

I'm now disabled and really ill,part of that is to do with the abuse I suffered,the emotional and mental abuse as much as the physical.

Your daughter will remember everything unfortunatley I do,I wish I didn't.But things that aren't normal that happen to you or are done to you are some of the memories that stay the clearest.

My parents are now really ill and old,they have 3 children but it's fallen to me and my husband to look after them.

I do everything I can for them,I do Love them but I don't like the way they are and I'll never be able to forgive them.Like your husband they think all they're behavior was justified.
And they've never changed not in over 30 years.

I think you need to do what it takes to protect your kids but he should also get the offer of going for anger management and parenting classes. It's possible your lovely DD wound him up and he overreacted in an unacceptable manner by slapping her. What was he doing with the kids then? Does he regularly look after them by himself? How does it normally go? Does he engage with them? Not everyone is a born parent and some people will need help with that, including how to discipline a child. Obviously if he hits the children you need to get out first, get the violence put on record and then talk to him but i would say it's important he also gets told by a (non police) third party that what he is doing is not acceptable and then gets the offer of learning about other strategies as it were.
There is a reason why he's acting like that and maybe (I say maybe as it might not change but you won't know unless he tries) with some help he might get better. He needs to work with someone to see why he is doing that and then learn about parenting. Obviously you know what he's like so if i'm sure you'll do the right thing by your kids. Go and talk to someone in rl about the situation asap. You need support whatever decision you make.

For support in real life, you could talk to the family support worker at your local children's centre, they could probably arrange the parenting course as well.

Like Alice's STBX, my exH was given a 6 month period to prove himself.

Not only he failed to attend a psychiatrist session that had been previously booked, but he went on to much worse behaviour. In public.

I doubt this man will be able not to cross your boundaries and live up to your expectations over 6 months, if expectations are high enough.

Make sure he does leave asap, and report everything.
If he doesn't leave talk to WA about you leaving with the children. You have to protect them and be seen to do it.

From the moment I left exH he hasn't spent 1 min unsupervised with DS. Because he had threatened before to take him and to hurt him, as well as both of us.

Also he should be out there sourcing his own support for changing his parenting behaviors. It isn't all up to you.

A very very good friend of mine was regularly hit by her dad when growing up. Not her siblings, really, it was mostly her who took the brunt.

I judge her dad incredibly hard for what he did. And I judge her mum almost as hard for failing to protect her little girl. I know it is far far easier to say "LTB" than to actually do it, but your children need you to be strong and do what is needed to keep them safe. Make sure you look after yourself and please get some RL support too.

Flats it sounds such a horrible position to be in and I think you are doing a great job of trying to think through the fog of it all.

You are not over reacting in the slightest. He is still minimising what's he's done. It may be because he feels defensive through guilt, it may be because he believes it was justified. Either way, your children are still at risk so it falls to you to protect them.

I think your plan is a positive way forward. Some are saying the 6 months isn't enough but if that helps to sooth the way towards separation for you both then so be it. It is a big step in the right direction. He will either hit the ground with a huge bump and sort himself out or he won't. Either way you and your children will be safer for it.

Good luck flats.

Also he should be out there sourcing his own support for changing his parenting behaviors. It isn't all up to you.
Not only this, but it isn't up to you at all, rather.

He's an adult, he should know it was wrong, not find excuses and try to work out better parenting strategies. That's what good parents do.