I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

[FlatsInDagenham]

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

Op said she is devastated and her husband is also devastated and when the children will find out they will also be devastated, that's four person.yes it is because of the dh behaviour and it's unacceptable. My advice to op is to ask him to go for some time so that he will realise what he's done after that things will get better

she has already asked him to leave.

stop shifting blame on to flats if it wasn't for her husband none of this would be happening.

how do you know things will get better? do you have a fucking crystal ball? what about all the other times?

when the hell do you call it a day?

I'm another one who thinks 'anger management' is a red herring - it's something trotted out on the JK show, it means nothing. Slapping a five year old in the face is totally unacceptable - whether you agree with smacking children or not. (I don't - but have smacked on a rare occasion-a hand or a bottom- when something really dangerous has happened - undoing a car seatbelt springs to mind)

My 6 yr old could drive the patience of a saint- neither me or dh has ever done anything like this. He needs to go.

OP - I hope you're ok - sorry - it's bad that your dh found this thread. You are not over-reacting.

The children will probably feel much safer and not devastated at all.
Its - are you the OP's other half or are you in a crap situation yourself and trying to justify it?

Either way, i will be contacting the child protection workers in flats's area tomorrow morning and asking then to read this.

you are deluded itsjustplayingonmymind.
deluded.

read the posts of those who have experience of abuse, read the post of the lady caring for her friends children after he killed her for trying to protect the eldest child.

advice like yours is dangerous.
you are saying we are evil for suggesting she protects her children? he has done this before. this is not the first time - there have been other threads.

wake up. this isnt a fairy tale with a happy ever after ending unless this man takes responsibility for his actions - and so far he thinks everything he has done is justified. calling his 5yr old a little bitch is justified is it? slapping her across the face is justified is it? pulling the 2 year olds hair is justified is it? throwing the 5 yr old onto the bed where the 2 yr old is causing them to bump heads is justified is it?

how.? answer me that.

Which is what she has done itsjust. Only thing is, abusers like him follow a pattern, sending him to the naughty step is not going to help the op. He needs to seek help for a number of issues. His drinking, his anger and his total contempt for his family. HE has brought this on himself. Once a year for the first five years of his daughters life he has "lost it" and lashes out. He has described his own daughter as a manipulative bitch. He is the one who has ripped his family apart. If he were really intent on amending his behaviour he would leave of his own accord and seek the help he really needs. Only he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

Flats please let someone on here know you are ok. Please call the police of you are at anytime frightened or scared. Please keep you and your babies safe.

Please can I reassure everyone that 'itsjust' is most definitely not my DH. For one thing, my DH is about a hundred times more articulate. For another, he was sitting in front of me talking at the time those posts were made.

I'll update properly soon.

Update for those interested (read it quick because I'm planning to ask MNHQ to delete the thread):

He was still here when we returned home. After putting DC to bed he was still here. I asked him what was going on. He said he's got a bed for a few nights but he still didn't leave. He cried a lot and for the first time showed some genuine looking remorse. (I can't believe it's taken this long to get to remorse and it does make me wonder how genuine or long lasting it might be.) We had a long talk. He begged me to let him stay. It was late, I was weak and I said he can stay on the sofa tonight but he must go tomorrow. He agreed and that's where he is now.

We are safe.

He WILL go tomorrow.

Plenty of people are more articulate than you, itsjust - doesn't mean we should just go along with them slapping children round the face

Wow, itsjust, you're so insightful.

I think slapping a child is evil. And so is anyone who condones that.

Go the fuck away.

Many posters are so rude and abusive but certainly evils

I really hope he does go flats if he is remorseful as you say he should go.

Will be thinking of you.

boiling for nothing? or for the fact your condoning violence and verbal abuse against children?

wonder where you'd draw the line for your own children if you have them.

I have no doubt she loves him, what's your point? sometimes love isn't enough, it's not a fairytale you know.

Op my answer to your question (please tell me I am overreacting....)
I thing that you can solve this problem and resume your relationship with your husband
I wish you all the best

Flats, please sleep in the same room as your children and keep your mobile phone on you.

This is not a safe thing you have chosen, I wonder how your daughter will feel when she wakes up in the morning and the man who hits her is still there?

Have you by any chance been to see a solictor? He might be in for a bit of a shock if you do.

Good luck!

You have reported on a public website that your DH is abusing your children and that on one occasion his action has caused an injury.

You have also posted other threads worried about his mental health, parenting and approach to supporting his family.

Call the nspcc helpline for advice if you don't want to go to police. Technically any of us with child protection responsibilities - or indeed any of us with concerns - should already have reported this thread to NSPCC or similar but I realise that doing might stop vulnerable posters posting for help in future and therefore won't be doing myself.

toprotecttheinocent i'm so so sorry. that is so heartbreaking.

where is the dh now? has he been taken to account for this?

i think you're amazing and those children are so lucky to have you. what a wonderful person.

flats - please heed this story. don't give him another chance. it won't end. it's the way he's made.

That poster could be a friend of his.

I hope he's out today.
He needs to truly take stock of his life and reading this thread, I hope he got to understand how his actions are perceived by others and how damaging they are for his children and his family.
I hope the regret is sufficiently genuine for him to go, so that he is not a danger to his family, until the time comes that he is no longer a liability.
He may end up living back with his family or not, but his actions now will determine if his relationship with the children will be those of a normal father or of an abuser.
He should go now, get help and make sure his family are safe and supported.

Flats I will be thinking of you today. Please make sure he does leave. Call the police if necessary, but get him out of the house. Your daughter may be upset by the idea, but she will be safe from harm. And she will know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

Flats please get him out. Don't weaken today.

itsjustplayingonmymind have you read that toprotecttheinnocent's post?

It demonstrates why it is a big mistake to give violent men the benefit of the doubt.

I've no doubt that itsjustplayingonmymind is either a violent man, the mother of a violent man or a woman living with a violent man who is desperately trying to justify why she's doing so. They have an axe to grind - a big one. It's the axe of male supremacy. Men are allowed to do whatever they want with the women and children they live with because they own them and when women challenge that because we think women and children have the right to be safe in our own homes, those people perceive that as evil because breaking up a family is worse than risking killing a woman or a child. That's their value system- the patriarchal family unit must be put above women and children's lives.

They wouldn't be able to articulate it that way because most of them are thick, but that's where they are coming from and that's why they respond with such visceral anger when confronted by a bunch of women asserting the right of women and children to be safe and denying the right of men to threaten our safety.