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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
spook · 01/04/2004 15:02

Hi Dottee.I don't think he likes the fact that I am actively house-hunting.He talks bollocks about finding a "family" home.I pointed out to him that he may never set foot in the place.It is mine and the boys home-if that is a family. Also I have had a couple of boxes of personal things of his(photos and cards) which he just won't take. There is 11 years of his life in there.Cards from me from every birthday,christmas and anniversary up to the last ones and they are never any less loving or intimate.But then neither were his to me. Give him a bloody oscar.

Thomcat · 01/04/2004 17:59

oh Spook, Spook, Spook, I should never have caught up with how things are going just before I go out, big tears, make-up ruined! I just feel so angry and upset for you. You are so open and so honest it's very easy to feel your pain and it's just all so bloody horrid. God what a idiot man for putting you all through this. Sorry, I know that doesn't help, but he just is. Why, why, why, for what, aggghhhhhh.

You have to keep doing what you're doing and be strong. Sometime the gaps inbetween feeling crap will get longer and longer, maybe they won't go away but time is a great healer and all that crap! Sorry, cliches are rubbish when you are feeling how you must be feeling.

Remind me where you are in the world again.

Now to you Sykes - I'm so pleased you have a dte, just some male company and a good evening ahead of you hopefully. Go girl, have fun, and see what happens. I look forward to hearing how it went

spook · 01/04/2004 18:11

Hi Thomcat.I'm in Newcastle.I can't stop crying.Why is today so fucking hard.Now the boys have broken up and need me more than ever but I just feel like I can't go on today.
Have a lovely time Sykes and shake that ass.

spook · 01/04/2004 18:17

He jus texred me asking how the boys reports were so I texted back OK.He chose not to be part of their lives anymore. So he rang and said "would you like to elaborate on that?" I was cross and after all I said to him last night said you'll have to wait till saturday and you can see them.Can I not get through one day without any contact from you??Ofcourse all day I've been desperate for him to contact me-not about school reports though,about how much he loves me!
He was not nice and said "Ok if that's how you're going to be Bye Bye"
I did give him a brief outline of their reports but WHY can he not respect my wishes and realise that all contact with him is making it harder and harder for me. Today is truly truly awful but at least I could have gone to bed tonight thinking...OK Day 1 over. Fuck him.

deegward · 01/04/2004 19:28

Spook, I know everyone has said it before, but you are doing so well. I split from P 8 years ago, and there were no children, I am now happily married with two sons, why I am Telling you this is, that I still keep in contact with exP and I would still some days love him to say come away with me I love you.

I went through my wedding day hoping he would stop the wedding, but he didn't. I love my dh, but it doesn't stop the hurt I feel when I think about what he put me through. You are really doing well. I agree F* them both!!

spook · 01/04/2004 19:50

Oh Deegward thanks.But it will get easier won't it? Please.

dottee · 02/04/2004 09:45

Bloody typical guilty bloke's response : 'Ok if that's how you're going to be' !!! Putting the blame on others and making out everyone else to be the bad person. Oh I got this a lot Spook!

Mine did ring for updates on the children (at his convenience) and then amazingly forgot to tell me he'd got a landline in his new pad! He was gobsmacked when I found out his new number (and guess who answered!)

Like you say, 'Fuck him'. (Good attitude).

You will be a proper family with your boys. I thoroughly enjoyed being a single mum when the dust settled. I had time to read to them and was not in a hurry to go downstairs after bedtime. It didn't matter if the house was messy in the evening - we pleased ourselves. We could lie in together during school holidays. I did not have to spend time ironing shirts.

You mentioned the cards and photos. I eventually got rid of the cards (but his messages were more affectionate during the time of the affair - guilt again!). I still have the photos and will always have them. My wonderful dp does not have a problem with this because most of the photos of the ex are are with our very young children and I feel they should inherit the idea that mum and dad did love each other at one time and the children were wanted and loved.

That is, whatever happened to mum and dad, it wasn't our children's faults. It's the fact that dad's brain was in his b*ll*ks and the office tart couldn't keep her legs shut!

Sonnet · 02/04/2004 09:54

Oh Spook - so sad to read how hard it is.
My own experience of this is that time is a great healer - what a cliche eh? - but you do need TIME. Very gradually you will rearlise it dosn;t HURT quite so much, then a litrtle less and alittle less after that - I don;t think it will ever go completely but it will stop ruling your every thought and then your life.
You are being so so strong -I do so admire you.
enjoy your boys - it is him that is missing out...
Sonnet xxxx

spook · 03/04/2004 08:34

Hi everyone. I called him abck on Thursday night and I was sobbing and I just said i am in mourning for my husband and my marriage and everyone time you contact me it's harder and harder and it has to stop.He got the message.He could hear how upset I was.
So-yesterday I was out all day on a trip with the boys (they had a fantastic time )and not a dicky bird.Thank goodness.Ofcourse I collapsed and sobbed and yelled at the boys when I got home after putting on a brave face for 12 hours infront of so many people,but at least I got through the day.It was really really hard because it was a long day and everyone else there was going home to their husbands and their family Friday nights.We were going back to an empty house with two very over-excited children.But we did it.
I was up at 5 this morning and decided to start going through the music room.As he is in the music biz there are hundreds of unlabelled CDs and CDs of all his bands (hers included)So I started boxing them all up-a mammoth task.There was one that had an old friends name on-a compilation.I listened and it didn't take a genius to work out it wasn't done for his old friend atall. It was full of old soul love songs.Very poignant.One of them was about an affair and how life at home was full of misery and pain-how he'd "give it all up for you" and "leave his family for you" Oh joy.
What a complete c**t.

deegward · 03/04/2004 10:21

Yes, he is a complete c**t, and yes it does get easier. It s a bit like AA - one day at a time

Good for you for going out yesterday, I'm sure the boys appreciated it. I think the Easter hols will have to be more of the same. Just remember we are all here to help. The thing is, he is not even starting this 'new life' honestly ie things were not completely horrid at home - so it will al come undone in the end.

numb · 03/04/2004 12:50

spook i feel exactly the same, also mourning and if there is no contact i am better. i totally understand, i feel like my life is on hold.

spook · 03/04/2004 15:29

Hi Sykes.How did it go on Thursday night??I have been thinking about you alot. When you have time please please talk me through some more about how to get through the next few months...putting the family home on the market,dividing all our possesions,getting out of bed in the morning,spending time with friends without desperately wanting to go home...XXX Thanks in advance..

Beccarollover · 03/04/2004 18:31

Spook, Im another anonymous supporter - i read most days to see how your getting on, Im in Newcastle too. I have been moved to tears often when I read this thread - you are so obvoiusly hurting but also getting stronger - just wanted to send you big hugs.

A song came on the radio this morning, "I dont want you back" and it made me think of you and gave me goosebumps - the song is about someone who's world was rocked (I think) and who was desperate to be back with their partner who didnt want them but then came back begging and they realised they didnt actually want them anymore. I hope one day you will find the strength to say sorry I dont want you back and go on to meet someone worthy for the wonderful love you talk about.

Hugs to you and your boys

Stay Strong

Becca
xxxx

spook · 03/04/2004 18:58

Oh Becca-thankyou.I love that Eamonn song and ironically enough so does my ex. He has just told me tonight that he really doesn't want to fight for our marraige-he said some terribly hurtful things.I have been house-hunting today and it just made him cross.I'm going away to see friends who were his friends when we met and that has pissed him off.He has been really really horrible tonight.And you know what-I begged him.I have just got to the point where I have got nothing to lose and I still love him that much I actually begged him. When he left I hugged him and said "I wish you were different.I wish you loved me enough to try" He just said "I tried" and left.
Oh well-at least now I know.

spook · 03/04/2004 19:00

Oh-and he was with her last night.Not that we're surprised ofcourse!

Beccarollover · 03/04/2004 19:29

I know the eamon song is a bit different and talks about hoes and things but still

Im so sorry to hear that Spook - your posts all really get to me as I went through an awful break up where I did all the things you describe - made tapes of "our" songs to remind him of the life we had, tried to sh*g him so he would remember how good I was, and yes I begged too - he was with a total horror who I had known personally - it cut me up to pieces as I had cards off her congratulating "us" on the birth of DD and then there she was with a carseat in her car to drive DD around - arrggh still boils me blood to think of it....

ANYWAY, rambling aside - I got that low where you think you have nothing to lose, I begged, cried etc then gradually, like you will I got stronger, was able to distract myself and you know what?!?!?!? 2.5 years downt he line HE has BEGGED me on many ocassions, texted me countless times to say he cant believe what he threw away, how I was the best he will ever have blah blah blah - and I look at him and feel proud at how far I have come and how I wouldnt want him if you paid me!!!

(((hugs))) its very hard to read what your going through withough being able to physically help - just know that we are all behind you.

Becca
x

Beccarollover · 03/04/2004 19:30

that reads wrong - not saying you have tried to sh*g him etc - those are the things I did !

deegward · 03/04/2004 19:35

Spook,how I want to smack this guy in the face!! Of course he is going to be mad and angry that you are looking at houses, and seeing his friends, because in his warped mind, he doesn't to be with you, bu he definately doesn't want youto change your life or get on with it!

Have you talked about him having the boys at the weekends, that would put an end to his cosy weekends with her. Just like Caroline Quentin in life begins!

Pour yourself a large glass of wine, and know that we are all here for you. Big Hugs Dee

spook · 03/04/2004 19:56

Hi Deegward, I poured myself a large glass of wine at quarter to six. He would love to have the boys at weekend and wanted to take them to Ibiza over Easter but I said no. To be perfectly honest those boys are my reason to live and if they weren't here,god knows how I would fill my time.I told him they were the only reason I got up in the morning and d'you know what he said? "So have a lie in"
I know I'll get to the point when I have to let them go on sleep-overs with him but I'm not there yet.
The more I think about one of the hoses I saw today the more I think I could live in it on my own.But he is so fucking unreasonable about putting this house on the market and EVERYTHING.Where do I stand legally? Also the house needs a bit of TLC before we can put it on-as soon as the boys are back at school I suppose that's my job.Get the carpets cleaned and the hall decorated etc.God we have so many possesions.This is a 7 bedroomed house and its FULL of our life-and all the outhouses and garage.What a huge horrible sad job.

sykes · 03/04/2004 20:30

Hi, Spook - how are you this evening - I'm here if you want to chat. We can also try to get FF on line - she's going through the same thing. Just realised think you've gone to friends? Hope so as it's good to be with people but I know it's so hard to go back to an empty house

spook · 03/04/2004 20:52

Hi Sykes.Am feeling a bit shell-shocked right now to be perfectly honest.After his revelations this evening.It has been slowly but surely dawning on me over the last few weeks that it's over for him but I never say never.But he's made his feelings perfectly clear now.I suppose that can only be a good thing but I do feel like I am in shock.It hasn't quite hit me yet.He doesn't love me enough and my marraige is well and truly over.
Christ-it's so sad and so unbelievable-I love him so much and he just doesn't.Life can be really low can't it?

sykes · 03/04/2004 20:59

Spook, I hope you've got a glass of wine or five - although sometimes it just made me feel worse in the morning - it is a depressant. The only thing I can say is that although my h didn't say what yours has said the same message was loud and clear - he was living wiht her one week after leaving me. However, ten months on it's different. Apparently you only START to get over it when you accept he's not coming back and I didn't want to accept it, or maybe couldn't. It takes such a long time. I started taking St John's Wart recently which has helped and I've made plans for me and dds. I couldn't put the house on the market or do anything sensible. Saw solicitor very early on but never followed through with anything - couldn't face it. How long is it now since he left?

popsycal · 03/04/2004 21:02

Hi spook - I have only just found this thread
I am in newcastle - please contact me if you want to meet up - beccarollover and myself meet up regularly and would love it if you wanted to join us some time

spook · 03/04/2004 21:06

It's 3 months since I found out and 1 month tonight since he left.The house-hunting is sort of cathartic.Makes me feel like I'm moving on in some way,or taking control.But the reality is if I actually see a For Sale sign at the end of the drive I will collapse.
The only way I am getting through tonight and holding it together is because you learn to.Do you know what I mean.Over the last 3 months I have taken things that no-one should ever have to from the one person whom I depended on and "knew" just knew because there was nothing else ever to presume, that I was spending the rest of my life with this man. It's amazing what you can unconditionally learn to do.I also think it's amazing what your body can do.I must have gone up to 5 days without a thing passing my lips but coffee,wine and cigarettes and I had more physical energy than I ever had. The body is pretty resourceful isn't it?

spook · 03/04/2004 21:07

Hi popscal.Would absolutely love to.I'm in Gosforth but the toon is a small place!