Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:07

Spook hello, i really sympathise with your situation and to be honest i'm at a loss what to say.You will feel terrible, its your entire life that has to be re-addressed, you must feel so lost and i truly feel for you. This will be the most difficult time, its shock and fear and loss all together. It won't feel like it at the moment but there is light, you will start to realise that he is not the be all and end all, and behind all your pain is a really strong women who doesn't ever have to go through this again. What you must truly hold onto is the fact that this has no reflection on you. It is not because you are unlovable and not worthy of him. It is because he is messed up, selfish and blind. Once you get to that stage of thinking this ( it will take a while) you will feel sorry for him and start to know that he is lost not you xxxx

spook · 03/04/2004 21:10

Thankyou fairyfly.I think I am getting there.I tried to point this out to him tonight but he just doesn't care.A;; he sees is himself,his selfish self-obsession,getting the business back on track and her. We are so far down his list.I just cannot comprehend how 10 years of marraige can suddenly mean jackshit.

popsycal · 03/04/2004 21:10

spook - becca is near gosforth - wideopen....i am near benton.....

popsycal · 03/04/2004 21:10

ps i have emailed you via mumsnet - i hope that you don't mind.

sykes · 03/04/2004 21:11

I think you're very resourceful and strong too. You shouldn't have to take it, of course not. I couldn't believe it when it happened. I hated family days out - ie, me and the girls seeing all the "happy families" with daddies etc - it just seemed so wrong for my girls and brought back so many memories. Even going to pizza express was a challenge - we used to all go together. I really felt that everyone else was a very happy unit. My friend went through the same thing - back with her p now - and she used to repeat like a mantra - they're not happy really - a bit twisted but it got her through it and in many cases probably right. I was so worried about becoming just a bitter old bitch. But I haven't - well most of the time not. How often will he see the boys - have you sorted out anything like that? I was pretty rigid about what he could and couldn't do and tried to have as little contact as possible. But then sent him the most emotive e-mails as it just seemed absolutely cruel and stupid - ie, what he was doing to our family.

spook · 03/04/2004 21:12

Oh popsycal-ofcourse I don't mind!I am touched that you care

popsycal · 03/04/2004 21:13

good - when you get it, mal me back and we can sort ot something!

Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:14

It will mean all lot to him when he wakes up, he will act like he doesn't care because then it is easier for him to justify his actions. I think men can just switch off, to protect themselves. But its not a healthy thing to do and god knows it might take years it will dawn on him what a prick he has been. You are stronger than hin because you have the intelligence to see how disgudting his behaviour is and you are dealing with it in the here and now. When his regrets start to surface you will be over it and a strong womenn who has learnt a lot of valuable lessons

spook · 03/04/2004 21:15

I'm trying to be as reasonable as poss about seeing the boys and he knows this.Doesn't stop him throwing this in my face as a defence.He's so pissed off that I'm going to visit "his" friends next week.I said I could've been in Ibiza for 2 weeks-then he wouldn't have seen the boys atall. Everything I do is wrong.Does this wear off as his guilt wears off and he sees me getting stronger or is that it now. Am I and the man I have loved for 11 years never going to like each other ever again?

spook · 03/04/2004 21:19

Sykes-I like that mantra.When I came home last night and left 9 of my friends to go back to their husbands and family Friday nights I was absolutely devastated,But then another friend pointed out to me today-some of them won't be so happy spook. Infact I bet some of them wish they were going home to an empty house and a glass of wine! I know it's not really true but I understood what she was saying. I am getting quite used to my own company.

Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:19

I think every situation and man is different, but it hasn't worn off in my case. I just seee through it now, everything i do wrong is just because my x feels so lost and stupid he has to blame me. All it is is them hiding behind you, it clears there conscience and is quite transparent.

spook · 03/04/2004 21:21

How long has yours been gone fairyfly?

Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:24

Last june

sykes · 03/04/2004 21:24

The evenings are awful at first - I honestly can't remember what I did - think spent a lot of time on mumsnet which helped a lot. Used to pace the house not being able to read/watch TV etc. We moved to Surrey about three years ago and as I work full time didn't get to know local people so it was awful not being able to see people apart from w/ends - I also ride and had to put my horse out on loan as it was just impossible. I honestly quite like my evenings in now - SOME of the time and you really can do what the hell you want.

Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:27

I couldn't see couples, listen to music, watch the telly, every morning i woke up gutted that my knot was still there. I kept hoping iot was a dream. I went on A.d's for three days but they just sent me funny.

spook · 03/04/2004 21:30

I have read about 20 books since it happened.How come you never have a spare minute when life is normal then suddenly the days stretch out before you like a chasm.The house is as clean as it has ever been and I've gone from a few cigarettes after the boys had gone to bed to 20+ a day. Lovely.I'm sure the aroma of ashtray is a very heady perfume to entice him back.

Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:33

You sound like your doing so well, i picked up books and couldn't read, just paced like a caged animal, and my house was a state. You are doing fantastic!!!!!!!

spook · 03/04/2004 21:33

I have really tried to not go down the a-d route.I will get some Sy Johns Wort though. I have taken it before and really rate it. What I need more than anything are ideas of things to do with the boys.Because of my state of mind they spend a hge amount of their time in the house parked infront of the tv.I don't like this one bit-they are effectively abandoned as soon as we walk through the door and I love them so much. I really want to do things and play with them.I know they need more attention.One step at a time I guess.

sykes · 03/04/2004 21:34

Is there any part time work you could/would want to do, Spook - just to break up the days? FF, have you seen my e-mail re telephone nos? Sorry.

spook · 03/04/2004 21:34

Thanks fairyfly.That ofcourse is the cleaning and reading I can do between cigarettes and coffee.

popsycal · 03/04/2004 21:35

spook - how old are your boys?

Clayhead · 03/04/2004 21:36

Spook, you need to eat something!!!

Popsycal/Beccarollover, if you see Spook, can you feed her too??!

spook · 03/04/2004 21:37

I have thought about going back to work Sykes but school holidays are such a problem.I know people do it and cope admirably but I gave up my career to be with the boys-I can't face the thought of trying to juggle 3 months in the summer etc. And Christmas-I just found out they don't go back till something like Jan 16th!!

Fairyfly · 03/04/2004 21:37

Spook i would forget the telly thing for now totally don't put any more pressure on yourself, or feel any guilt. You will start to do more again but there is no rush. You have to get yourself strong again first x

spook · 03/04/2004 21:37

Popsycal-they are 4 and 7.