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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 31/03/2004 16:13

Maybe you have to think things will be all right a certain amount of the time. For one thing, they might turn out that way. For another, a little hope helps you cope while you get used to the new status quo.

OP posts:
spook · 31/03/2004 16:22

Oh yes yes yes! Janstar-a little hope gets me through the day.You know if I didn't have that glimmer I would barely be functioning.Time is passing and I am getting stronger but not strong enough not to hope. You are so so right as always XXXX

Original poster
Janstar · 31/03/2004 16:24

I wish...got the Ibiza thing wrong

OP posts:
sykes · 31/03/2004 16:43

Spook, my therapist said to me that to keep a glimmer of hope isn't wrong - it does help you through and I know that I couldn't have functioned without it either.

Bugsy2 · 31/03/2004 16:48

I agree with whoever said that trying to make a go of things is in many ways much harder than calling it a day. The trying to make a go of it I did in 2003 was murderous, the endless ups and downs. I found the uncertainty of the situation almost intolerable. Now, I'm petitioning for divorce and although it is not easy, at least I know what I'm doing and the exact status of our relationship.
Spook, you are very courageous. I hope very much that can make your marriage work as you want it to.

Original poster
Janstar · 31/03/2004 16:50

Yes, Spooks's dh will be lucky to ever find a more loving or devoted woman. I just hope he realises that before she gives up on him.

OP posts:
spook · 31/03/2004 16:54

Uh-oh.You've made me cry...

numb · 31/03/2004 23:25

spook how do you think your dh would react if you had found someone else? just a thought, because you always want something when you can't have it. friends and family have all said to me that my dh will hate it when i meet someone new. can't you invent an imaginary boyfriend, maybe it is the jolt he needs to make him realise what he has.

spook · 01/04/2004 07:18

Oh numb.Thats so fummy.I was thinking about that last night! Especially when Sykes said she had a date tonight.I and friends have pointed this out to him.That soon enough I will find someone else and they will be involved in the boys life too.Nothing goes in numb.It's like when you talk to a child sometimes.You know when they look at you and appear to be listening but then go back and punch their brother again 2 minutes later?!
Last night it wasn't really very good.I was really down yesterday(got a stinking cold) and couldn't really find it in me to be the lovely stepford wife I'd been playing at.
I told him he can't come round here anymore to bath and bed.It was unrealistic-too painful for me and too unsettling for the boys.
Our only contact from now on will be about children and money.
That glimmer of hope I was talking about yesterday.I've got to banish it.I just can't live my life clinging onto the fact that I'll see him at 6 o clock-because it's not really him is it? It's this creature that has taken over his body who will be leaving again for his batchelor pad and his girlfriend.
He said last night that he's not happy either-his life is pretty shit.So I kindly pointed out that when he's lonely he calls his girlfriend.When I'm lonely I put my hot water bottle in.
I'm in this for the long haul-and unfortunately it's beginning to look more and more like he won't be in it with me!
The boys break up at noon today-omigod!!! Supermum-here I come.

sykes · 01/04/2004 09:25

Morning, Spook, sorry you feel so bad. My h still sees hte girls a lot but I avoid seeing him apart from when I really have to - it makes it much harder for you. The thing re another man in the boys' life will eventually filter through but if he's anything like my h it will take a LONG time. Re my date, I feel sick, not sure I can go. I'm ridiculous - htinking about taking Bachs remedy or whatever it's called - or a very large brandy. It's embarassing.

spook · 01/04/2004 09:31

Sykes-I understand.But you can do it.Just look on it like a night out of the house to have some grown up conversation and hopefully some nice food.If there wasn't an attraction there wouldn't be a date. And if you didn't have butterflies you wouldn't be normal!No-one is expecting fireworks and passion.Just some smiles and warmth? Am I talking absolute shite??!
Good luck honey.Let me know how it goes.XXX (and don't forget to shave your legs...well you never know...)

Twinkie · 01/04/2004 09:32

I don't think inventing an imaginary boyfriend s going to do anyone any good here - he needs to come back because he wants to at the end of the day!!

Original poster
Janstar · 01/04/2004 10:02

Sure Twinkie, but I think we are all trying to hold out hope that there might be something sometime that will get through to him. And if, eventually, Spook finds someone else, that might be the trigger. Unfortunately if he waits that long she will probably have given up on him by then.

Aaargh! Why don't people have any self-control? Affairs cause nothing but misery for all parties. I consider it a mark of maturity when a person makes a personal resolve never to behave in that way.

So childish to let their private parts overrule all their sense, all their promises. So sad.

Sorry for ranting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 01/04/2004 10:04

By the way Sykes, I think you should definitely go on your date. You have been separated from dh long enough to cope with it.

I was dead nervous on my first date with dh. I took four hours to get ready, longest ever in my life. You only get nervous if they matter.

OP posts:
spook · 01/04/2004 10:17

I am feeling absolutely desolate today.But I have started packing up his belongings.A huge task which at least gives me something to focus on between cigarettes.
I know exactly what you mean about a trigger Janstar.SOMETHING needs to trip the switch in his stupid head and make him see it's all going down the pan.He's losing everything he ever wanted.Beautiful family,beautiful home,respect..the list is endless. But I think we're getting to the point now where it looks like it's never going to trip.I think it will one day-maybe 6 months or a year down the line (as in Sykes case) but I CANNOT float around in a sea of absolute despair waiting for it to happen.
God-even now this second I'm waiting for the doorbell to ring and for him to fall into my arms. STOP STOP STOP.

bluestar · 01/04/2004 10:49

Spook, I have followed your thread and having no experience of this, cannot even begin to imagine how tough this is for you. I think it is important to put yourself first in this and think anout where you want to be in the future. Please do not let him back into your life because you feel you need him. You are better than this. It is him that needs to make sense of why he is behaving like this and hurting the people he is supposed to love. One day I am sure he will look back and see that he has made a mistake but you cannot wait around for this. You need to move on, however hard it is right now. Do not let him have his cake and eat it. Do not allow yourself to be used by him. If it is so easy for him to fall back into her arms because you are not making it easy for him, then he is weak. Take the happy memories and the past and box it for now and remember that for the past year he has deceived you and your children, it is not a short fling, a one night stand, it is a year. That is one hell of a lot of hurt for you to just forget. I know it is easy for me to say these words and who knows if I would ever take my own advice, but please be strong and take all the support you can from friends, family, mn's etc. You deserve to be happy. Good luck x x

dottee · 01/04/2004 11:04

Spook - I really think you've doen the right thing about stopping him coming around bathing the boys. It's hurting you too much when he leaves and it's (in a way) controlling you knowing he's coming at a set time and leaving at a set time.

Yes it will be hurting packing his stuff but you're starting the 'letting go process' and that's a massive leap up that hill I told you about.

Sykes - have a great time tonight. Very curious to know how you get on (new thread?). It took around the same time for me to feel like dating. I was really nervous but had a great time (3 dates later IFKWIM )

Twinkie · 01/04/2004 11:05

Think Sykes is actually Caroline Quentin in Life Begins!! (But lots thinner and prettier!! )

sykes · 01/04/2004 11:07

Dottee - what do you mean? I've just downed half a bottle of Bach rescue rememdy and feel a bit odd. Also, have now convinced myself it's an April Fools's joke.

sykes · 01/04/2004 11:16

Err, Twinkie, where did you get that information from - bit ageist, methinks. Am SURE have never posted about my age - never admit to being a day over 35 unless absolutely plastered - unfortunately my lack of mathematic mental agility usually ends up with completely the wrong birth date. I hope you haven't been e-mailing anyone saying she doesn't look a day over 50. I may have to take this issue to a moderator. Or even higher.

Original poster
Janstar · 01/04/2004 11:18

Leave that rescue remedy alone, Sykes. It's made your posts go all surreal.

OP posts:
dottee · 01/04/2004 11:31

Must share the story with you (hope you have a giggle Spook and it's inspiration Sykes).

I met the guy in question through the small ads. A girlfriend was getting rather anxious about me not being up to 'pulling' so it was a sort of pressured reaction. I got two replies through my ad. in the local free paper (sleazy I know).

They both sent me a photo. The first was this divorced bloke who was a photographer. He was very nice but there wasn't any attraction. We met in a local pub. Onto the second - well he turned up at another pub and it was a case of 'Oh my gawd' - complete with XR3, tight jeans and blonded hair. I remember thinking it was going to be a long lunch hour.

We got on like a house on fire and there was an attraction. He (P) made me howl with laughter and feel good about myself. We started dating and yes ... on the third date. It was fantastic! Not going into sordid detail, he told me my estranged hubby was a complete idiot because there was nothing wrong with me in that department!

A few weeks later I found out he was a flirt but he had warned me about it. I tolerated it but it did upset me. Eventually enough was enough and I stopped the relationship. His best mate (G) asked me out so I started seeing him - that ended after 3 months.

So why am I telling you all this - two weeks ago my mum was in hospital and P's a porter there. She also is good friends with G's auntie. So who should turn up to take her down for a scan.

You're P, aren't you' said mum.

'Oh yes, how do you know me?'

'I'm a friend of G's auntie and G comes to do my decorating sometimes'

'I'm a good mate of G's - we go out a lot' (both of them are still single-again divorcees).

So just as they approached the scan room, my mum said, 'by the way, I'm J's mum!'

'Bloody hell' was the response (or similar words!)

Totally off subject but I had to tell you

What's that about seeing your previous life pass you by when you're drowning?

sykes · 01/04/2004 11:34

Cripes - but it all worked out in the end ...

dottee · 01/04/2004 11:51

Yeah - eight years on I'm engaged to someone else (whom I met on the Internet) and living in a neighbouring county. I'm still friends with P and G (not making the effort of stay in contact but talking to when I bump into them or either of them). In fact P became a very good confidante. I had a failed relationship in '99 and P talked me through it. A week later I met my fiance.

Sykes - even if it doesn't work out, you might find a good friend. Let us know how you go on.

dottee · 01/04/2004 12:45

Back to you Spook - to be bluntly honest, my ex didn't seem all that bothered about my love-life. I purposely kept it to weekends so that it had the least affect on the children. They were very young then anyway.

It was good having 'P' around when they got married. I was hurt but at least I had someone to cuddle.

What did piss the ex off is when I started redecorating and making what used to be our home into my space.