Support for Spook

[Janstar]

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

Well yes.He just talked to me about the boys and things.There was no response when I said I missed him but he was nice enough.It's like a sugar rush isn't it?A temporary high then hungry again.
I have alot of friends coming over tonight so at least that'll take my mind off it.And he's doing bath and bed again tomorrow.As long as I know I'm seeing him I can survive.But I realise I have to move on from that.Will I ever????? Not for a long time.I suppose I'll always see him coz of the boys.

I am so sad today I can't stop crying.I thought I was getting past that.Both the boys are ill too.I have to go and get them now and take them to the doctors.

Spook, it's all so recent, give yourself a break. It's hideous and lonely and you feel desperate, honestly I know. So glad your friends are coming round you need them so much. Lots of luck at the doctors.

Spook - I do know what you're going through. I needed a 'daily fix' everyday. If he wasn't calling to see the children, I used to call on him (she wasn't living with him at that stage)for a slightest reason ... and I will confess, I used to go and stalk him (he hasn't a clue about this and I feel stupid about admitting it now but I had to do it - you will know what I mean).

What I would suggest in hind-sight, if he really is wanting to move back into 'your space' again, what about getting a child minder and going away for a weekend together booking two rooms (him paying of course) and far away from her - no contact at all. You can then talk with no interruptions and it will test him to see whether he could live without her. Not only that, she will be miffed off big time.

Are they still working together? If they are, somehow/someway that has to stop if he stands any remote chance of coming into your space (I'm using that term to describe that he needs to be totally devoted to you wherever he lives).

Sorry to hear your boys are poorly. I think you are rushing yourself. Whenever, I used to want H back I used to force myself how badly he had treated me. I still wobble even now and this is a whole year on.
Do you really miss him as he is at the moment, or do you miss the man you fell in love with? I am sure that you wouldn't want him back as he is at the moment - so just remember how he is behaving, when you start telling him you miss him.
I hope some of that makes sense.

Think that's v good advice Bugsy - that's what I'm doing now. Hope it helps, Spook.

Hey Spook, just saying hello. So sorry about the boys being poorly, pour all your energy into looking after them until your friends come round and you can collapse with them. Another day got through, well done....another day.

But he's given you some very clear answers, answered some of your dilemmas, hasn't he? You KNOW now that if you fell at his feet and begged him to come home at the moment, he would leave you lying there. You know now that it isn't your self-preserving detatchment that is keeping him away, and that when he tells you he is sad, lonely, misses you etc, it is a load of self-indulgent twaddle! So leave him to stew in it! How dare he impose on the love that you still have for him to ask you to feel sorry for him, and drape himself over you in self-pitying hugs!

Sorry, that all sounds a bit brutal, doesn't it?The thing is, you ARE getting stronger for a little more of each day. I feel exhausted thinking of what you must be going through.

Hey, spook, I go out for five minutes and look what happens .

Hey, never mind, tomorrow is another day innit?

Blu is right, at least it has given you some insight. Done, now, so use what it can teach you and move on.

Any more thoughts about the Easter hols? dd1 has just asked if she can go away with friends, so it would be even easier to fit you in. I will fill you up with wine and throw your mobile phone down the loo.

You're just trying to get her to come and help with your house restoration, aren't you?

Hi everyone and thanks for responding. Janstar-believe it or not I am trying not to think about the Easter hols coz one of us has to go to Ibiza to sort the house out.I've been putting it off coz I don't think I can face it on my own with the boys.So it looks like him.But even now I am secretly harbouring a desire that he may suggest we go together.
For a number of reasons.It will be a real chance to spend some time together.If he's with me he can't contact her and it's away from here and this house and all the memories and sameness of daily life. Our best friend that I was with this weekend has funnily enough just suggested the very same thing. She is speaking to him in the morning and is going to ever so gently float the idea. I think it may have crossed his mind but he probably thinks I would tell him to fuck off. Which I suppose I should.(at least for a couple of minutes)
She actually spoke to him yesterday and told him how strong I am being but it's really hard with the boys being so screwed up.He told her he knew I was being "wonderful" but he's still banging on about this "don't klnow if I can give her what she wants" bollocks. Hey-nobody said it was going to be easy.He still really believes that if he came back I would expect his total devotion and everything would be hunky dory immediatly. Obviously I expect hard work and love from both sides but I do realise it will take time and effort to regain the love we once had. There was a reason for him playing away in the first place-this sounds wrong.I am not justifying ANYTHING. Nor am I foolish enough to realise he couldn't have loved me like he should. And just as his love for her will not disappear overnight then his love for me will not miraculously reappear in a puff of smoke. But I have enogh to work on-and I think deep down he does. Our marraige really wasn't so bad as he's managed to convince himself it was.
I know I sound naive and like a real victim here-I don't mean to. But there has to be a starting block doesn't there? I hope you sort of understand what I mean??

Spook you do not sound like a victim. Go back and read what you were posting a few weeks ago and see how strong you are now.

You let me know nearer the time. No problem at all. If you get the chance to spend that time with him in Ibiza that would be wonderful for you.

Blu!! I hadn't thought of that! Good idea though . And I shall have to fill her up with builders' breakfasts while I'm at it and get some weight back on her.

Spook, I haven't been posting on here because everyone else has such fab advicre and I don't know what to say. I have been dropping in and checking up on you though and just wanted you to know that it may be silent most of the time but my support is still here.

I think you've been absolutley amazing throughout all this. I feel you're reactions to a lot of what has happened would be the way that i would feel and act a lot of the time and can really identify with you even though this has never happened to me, dykwim?

Anyway, I wait with interest to see what happens with ibiza.

Lots of love to you and your boys, TC xx

Hi Thomcat.How nice to hear from you.Thankyou for your support.XXX

Hi guys. So sorry coz I know I'm getting boring now and people will be reading this thread thinking-christ is she still banging on...just go away and sort your life out woman.BUT...what are your opinions on "us" I don't think we're ever going to get to the point where he falls at my feet and declares undying love for me.I think it's past that now. What I am feeling now is that I know that I can fight for this marraige but he is so screwed up that he doesn't really and what he needs is a gentle nudge. He knows he loves me,and he knows that as a family we're wonderful. He just can't see the wood for the trees. So if he did suggest something like Ibiza-basically he would be seeing how we got on.Am I selling myself short.Am I expecting too little. All I ask is that he cuts contact with her-from there I think we have a chance.Ofcourse I would make that my condition for being his fucking guinea pig. I know it's going to make some of you angry and I should change my name to Doormat (someone got there before me!)
But it's like I want to shake him and say "Look what you've got here!!!!It wasn't so bad was it????"
D'you get it? Coz I'm not really sure that I do!

Spook, I'm still banging on nearly ten months later - in the boring stakes I'm miles ahead. and you're not boring anyway. I know it may sound perverse but in SOME ways it seems a more momentous decision to TRY to stay together and make the relationship work than it ever did to get married. I would have done ANYTHING until embarassingly recently to have my h come back - after him leaving me for the third time. Just trying to explain that I really do empathise with your feelings. However, now h "wants" to come back I haven't a clue - still haven't agreed to meet him to even discuss the option and am planning my life with my dds on the basis that he isn't part of it. I can't put them or myself through such heartache again for it to fall apart at some point. I still don't think my h gets what he's done and is on some sort of guilt trip - also, it's not all sunsets and champagne with his gf anymore - what a surprise. I want to live my life to the full, I want the girls to be happy, secure and loved and I want the same for me - not sure if reconciliation would mean that. All I can say is try, try and try again NOT to let him come back too soon. I know you may think you're pushing him into her arms, your loneliness is so hard, the boys' heartache - how can you ever envisage a future without him etc, etc. But it would be so hard and with so much work and commitment and he has to realise this. Sorry, rambling ...... all I know is it's still not easy, but I do laugh, have fun now, have a better relationship with the girls and some of my friends, can see a future without him. Am still scared and miss him and aware that some of my positive thoughts are because he says he wants to come back. Oh yes, and have a date on Thursday .....

spook I DO understand because i feel exactly the same it is like how could they sacrifice so much for so little and WHY can't they try that little bit harder. My situation is very similar to yours as you probably know but we do not even speak at the moment.

Erm...you popped that one in on the end!!You have a date??Thats fantastic.Who with??Do you fancy him? You see Sykes before you know it he's going to be fighting for you and the others are going to be queuing up.I think you're doing so so well not to see him till next week.Let the fucker wait.You did for long enough. I promise I won't let him back too soon.Even if we went to Ibiza he would definately not automatically move back in-not that I think he'd want to. God listen to me. He probably won't even consider the Ibiza idea. I will be on bloody pins tonight.Luckily I am such a place that if he doesn't mention it I will just think-oh fuck that. I honestly feel like I could take it or leave it. And Footballers Wives is on tonight and I'm knackered so will probably be glad to see tha back of him.
Yeah Sykes...FUCK "EM

Crikey-there's an awful lot of fucks in that post. Looks like a 50 Cent record.
I know Numb.You will talk again but it's far too soon for you two to find that civil level.Remember it's taken me nearly 11 weeks to get to here. Hang on in there honey. XXXX

Spook - I think what you are wanting - a holiday together and you doing things together with the boys is not going to do you any good - I think it is over from what he has said and how he is treating you and I am going to shout really really loudly HE NEVER HAD A REASON TO GO AND SHAG SOMONE ELSE AND ABOVE ALL FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!

And as for him still wanting to do things with yu and the boys - what the hell is that about - you both know just how much that will hurt both you and the boys and believe me it is a way of him absolving his conscience keeping everything nicey nicey then he leaves you with your hurt and pain and goes back to her - honey it is an illusion to keep him looking like a great dad.

You are putting yourself through it again and again and I am sure I would in your situation but you aren't going to help yourself or your boys in the long run - you can cling to this hope that thigs are going to work out if it wasn't for her - if he could just see - Honey he has had you in tears and his boys crying for him and that has not cleared the shit from his self pitying little pathetic soul so he can see what he wants clearly.

He wasn't willing to put the care and effort in before all this went to shit to salvage your relationahip and now this has happened it is gonna take a hell of a lot more work - I just really don't think he as it in him - or that he wants it.

Sorry to be so blunt but you seem to go up and then down again - you are sooo strong and powerful one minute and I think well done girly - you are surviving and then it hits and you thnk that having him back is going to make all this better - believe me it won't - he comes back to you in the state that you are in and he is going to have license to treat you however he likes because he knows that you need him/want him/have almost begged for him to come back - and what went wrong in the forst place will not be addressed and I so don't want to find yourself 2/3/4 years down the line still living this nightmare.

Oh I'm sorry, so so sorry, I know that when you hold that little bit of hope that its going to be ok that your day seems brighter I just don't want you to keep being dissappointed by this sad little excuse for a man!!

Twinkie XXX

Spook - we had a family holiday booked in Sardinia roughly six weeks after he had left last year - he'd known all about it, of course, made the pretence of getting the three-wheeler repaired etc and I remember distinctly asking him if he was coming as it was all going pear-shaped over the Easter holidays. Of course the b*stard left a few weeks before hand so my nanny came instead. It wasn't great - he missed milestones such as my elder dd swimming her first length. Her face was a picture. But I do wonder how awful it would have been if he had come. I remember posting on here about should I ask him and was advised NO, NO, NO. I doubt he'd have come anyway and I subtly (yeah, right) did ask him. He didn't come. Could a friend go with you instead?

Spook, are you there?

Sorry I haven't been too blunt and upset you have I??

Here is the answer to a question in Real Magazine - will type it all out for you - I think it says it all -

He had the affair so why am I being punished??

I have been married for 14 years and have 2 sons. Last year my husband had an affair. I knew something was going on because he became so withdrwan and bad tempered. He confessed saying he wanted to give up his lover for the sake of our family. But since then he has been even more irritable - the boys and I are walking on eggshells because he critisises everything we do. I feel as though I am being punsihed for his actions and can't go on living like this.

(The answer is more pertinent than the question!!)
Your husband gave up his lover for the sake of his family - but he has not grasped that it is not enough!! He did a difficult thing but it is not much of a sacrifice if he cannot hide how much he resents you for it. You feel that this is grossley unfair and are right. Somehow he must be made to understand that, if he wants to keep his family, he has to make more of an effort. He may not be aware of the effects of his carping but he has to realise that he is not doing you any favours. You have the moral highground here, so be assertive. Tell himyou will take him back but not at any price - for example common civility to you and your sons.

Sort of felt that ths could apply to you - all his harping on about he just can't forget her etc...

Hi Spook.
In truth, I do not see your marriage as irretrieveable in the long run. There is lots about the circumstances, (the financial pressure, his age, - have I got this right, early 40's? -, the not-as-bright-and-articulate-as-you-ness of ebb) that spell mid-lfe crisis or other aberration. But from that he could either move back to you, or away.
But I will be honest and say that my heart is in my mouth for you over your hopes for Ibiza. In the first place, he hasn't suggested it. In the 2nd, if YOU do, he may well accept as a way to spend time with the boys, and kid himself that he's being good to you. But how would you know he wasn't contacting her? You would be jumpy every time he went to the toilet, suggested he have the boys for an afternoon to play football with them - and text madly. At some stage you would check his phone, his bags. He would resent your suspicion, and blame you, not himself and feel as if he had had a tense week. AND after your week of make-believe happy families, how would you feel if you found he went straight from the airport to dinner with her?
If he suggests Ibiza together, I think you should only do it if he is committed to NEVER contacting her in a personal capacity again, and if he is serious about wanting to try to make a go of it with you.

I'm sorry if this sounds negative, or not understanding of your position. But I think that a week that went wrong could do more harm to the long term prospects, if they do exist, and would be very very painful for you. But I don't think you are wrong to give up on hope, or be prepared to put energy into re-building things if the time, and his motivation, are right.

Are you afraid that you are deepening the rift between you and 'burning your bridges' by keeping some distance? You have told him you are lonely. He must know that you still love him.

I have never known a relationship be repaired until the straying party pro-actively ceases contact with their 'affair'. I hope, every day when I log on, that he will have come to his senses, ditched her and is refusing all her texts and messages- you'll know when he does, cos you'll get a bitchy call - (god, my Dad's gf's mother rang ME to rant about how cruel he had been to ditch her)- and is begging you, BEGGING you to come back. But I fear that if it is going to happen, it will take longer than this.

I have to say I agree with Twinkie and Blu.

I was wrong when I said it would be wonderful, I'm afraid I fell victim to wishful thinking. I'm so sorry.

I'm sure he won't even entertain the idea of Ibiza anyway and I CERTAINLY won't ask him myself.I have got some pride.
If he mentions it though I will have some thinking (and talking to do) I really appreciate your comment Blu. A crap week may do more harm than good.I do live on little planet Spook thinking things will be alright whereas in reality that's shite (at least the last 3 months have made me grow up a bit!)
I don't know-lets just wait and see.And Twinkie-ofcourse you haven't upset me although I won't take notice of comments that there's no hope for my marraige.Never say never.I will know when it's the end-and we're not that far off but we're not there yet.