Support for Spook

[Janstar]

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

Well done Spook. Don't be a doormat for him.

AAAGGGHHH.Fucking bastard bastard bastard wanker.He dropped the boys off after being bloody horrible to me this morning and couldn't get out of the fucking door quick enough.Fucking bastard!!!

It makes me so cross but so lonely.Does that make sense? How can I so not understand the man I was maried to for 10 years.How can something change so dramatically so quickly.

spook, being cross and lonely at the same time makes sense. I wish things were better for you and I'm so sorry I can't be of much help.

Thinking of you x

Any wiser mumsnetters around?

bump

Thanks Clayhead.It helps to know you are thee. My little one wanted to speak to daddy soon after he left and this is how our conversation went...I told him he had to help with ds1 because he is so disturbed.He said he had a little chat with him today-my son said he wanted to go away all 4 of us so my ex told him that he would maybe come to Ibiza withus at half-term (we have a house there) I said that OK-I would go to the ends of the earth if only he made the commitment to me that his affair was over.He gets all fucking angry saying that it's not about me-it's for the children.He cannot understand why I would not put myself through a family holiday when he is still seeing someone else!!!
He pointed out that his affair is as good as over-but I happen to know that's only because she has backed off now. He it at huge pains to point out to me that a family holiday does NOT neccesarily mean that he wants a future with me. He seems to think that the "suck it and see" approach is the one to take.I seem to think that that is impossible and to move forward in any way shape or form unless we make some sort of commitment to each other to fight for the marraige.This he STRONGLY disagrees with.Am I being totally unreasonable-should I go along with his bizarre request.He has certainly shown no remorse-still defensive and terribly angry with me for EVERYTHING.Or so it seems (I suspect he really just hates himself but it's not easy to take)
A family holiday will surely give my children the wrong message if he returns and decides he can't stick it???
I feel like I am going mad.he makes me feel so unreasonable.Even said that when he brought the boys back tonight I had a face like thunder.Does he not understand-in his self obsessed little world that maybe that is my defence mechanism because I find the whole situation desperate???

Message withdrawn at user request

Spook you really are an inspiration. This guy is so far up his own backside he can see the back of his own teeth. Obnoxious tw*t that he is ... you keep your chin up Spook. Plenty of love your way babe xxxxx

Thanks Beckif How come I still love the arrogant wanker?

Because, babe, women are (in the main) emotionally led and men are (in the main) led by their need to shag everyone else that offers them it. I don't understand him either, and I can only assume that he knows damned well that as soon as he has had enough of his little fling and excursion outside of your marriage, that he can come home. Sorry that I'm ranting at you!! Just reading over the thread I'm sure I['m not alone in being peeved at his 'Woe is me' act. Tw*t!!!!! You are so clearly worth much, much more.

Hello Spook

Have read your posts from the start, and in fact your guts to face what was happening to you gave me the courage to face my own situation. It is very different - but like you I am now facing single parenthood, and all the guilt that goes with it.

I want to tell you that you have helped me - and I have taken as much hope and guidance from the wonderful posters on mumsnet as I am sure you have.

Trying to stay grounded in the present is not easy when something inisde is screaming to be put out of its misery, but I am trying to take one day at a time, and not to trash my own life.

Have you ever read Women who love too much? I hesitate to mention it as I've not read it for years - but I seem to remember that it was actually quite wise despite its title. I'm sure someone else will gently put me straight if it is not much good (I was a lot younger then.....)

Hi Merrygoround.How anyone could take courage from me I do not know! But we soldier on don't we.Have just spent 2 hours on the phone to my ex-h and got absolutely nowwhere.Christ-life throws some shit at us doesn't it? Keep your chin up honey.It's really really nice to hear from you and to hear that you,like I take some comfort from the wonderful love and support that shines through from mumsnetters.Much love.XXXX

spook - check you email about tomorrow
popsy xxx

Oh, Spook, sorry, have been out of reach of MN over easter. He is, as ever, in fantasyland, the wishful thinking of hoping that you will magically become immune to the pain of what he has done, enough to go on such a holiday 'for the children'. I know many split parents who do such things, but only after years of hard emotional work with both behaving like true grown-ups - which your DH is NOT! OF COUSE ebb 'helped him through' his financial worries - but only in the sense of avidance/escapism/temporary aneasthetic oblivion, not in the sense of constructive support. And this is what he keeps on doing, running from reality.
So sorry your little boy is having sucha hard time. I can't possibly say anything to enhance what fantastic MN-ers have said below - butu i am thinking of you.

Hi, Spook, sorry Easter was so awful. Your h's comments are so horribly similar to my h's when he first left it's bizarre - ie, not sure he could commit, he couldn't trust himself etc, etc. No talk of how bloody lucky he was to have a second chance. How are you today?

Hi Sykes,hi Blu. I'm OK thanks.We had a really lovely day yesterday with popsycal and beccarollover.The boys really enjoyed themselves. That was after the useless 2 hour converstaion with him on Monday night-telling me things like I'd brought the situation on myself! He thought we could have these Easter days together and maybe go to Ibiza for 1/2 term for the boys...nothing to do with me apparentley.I'm just being selfish.
I want to much-I said I would go to the ends of the earth with him at the drop of a hat if he would just give me the promise that his affair was over and he was starting to try and rebuild something.I told him I know it may not work.I don't expect the earth overnight and don't even expect him to forget about her and just remove her from his head.All I want is the kind of commitment I am willing to give.To put heart and soul into seeing if there's anything worth saving.He can't do that.Quite simply he doesn't want to grow old with me or try and fix the marraige.(AT THE MOMENT!!!he is always careful to add that so he covers his back) He can't just wave a magic wand and want to be with me again.Fair enough but fuck off,stop hounding me and let me move forward and get on with my life.I haven't heard anything since Monday so I think he may have got the message.
I know his affair is as good as over-but only because she has backed off.Her mums not happy apparentley!!This is a 25 year old girl who suffers from depression and still lives with her mum-what a catch.
Anyway-I don't feel too bad right now.I am SO SO glad Easter is over.What a hard time.He was at pains to point out to me how horrible Easter was for him-I pointed out that it was entirely his fault and this is when he told me that I also had brought this situation on myself.Mmm-ofcourse I have h.
There is no reasoning with him.Everything I say or do is wrong.All his pathetic self-pity and guilt and self-loathing and pining for his mistress is all MY FAULT.
The fact that my 7 year old is desperately unhappy is all MY FAULT.Poor little man came in last night after a lovely afternoon and just went to bed with no supper at 6.30. After a huge tantrum.I let him calm down then went up and asked him what had upset him "What is upsetting us all mummy?" was his response.Then he got up this morning and sat at the table with tears in his eyes. "I just miss him" Even if not for me at the moment it's got to be worth trying to save the marraige for the boys hasn't it????I am prepared to do it,but then unfortunately I love my husband far more than he appears to love me.
Oh well-no further forward than I was 3 1/2 months ago-although my head certainly is I guess.
Anyway-lots of love.XXXX

Hi Spook. I'm so pleased you had a good time yesterday, I wish I could be nearer and have met up with you.

You can't try to get back together for the sake of the boys - the fact is that if he doesn't make a true commitment you will not succeed and the boys will be hurt and let down again.

Don't ever believe all this claptrap about being selfish! It is not selfish to expect love and devotion from a husband - those are the minimum requirements! How can it ever work if your describing your smallest of basic needs seems selfish to him? It is very obvious who is being selfish here and you know it's not you. I have noticed that people who feel guilty often accuse others of the exact offence that is making them feel guilty themself.

Your poor little ds. I remember such comments from my dds when their dad dumped us, and it is heartbreaking, I know. But don't despair - broken hearts can be mended, with their mum's love to make everything okay. And your heart will mend too, when you decide to care for yourself and stop worrying about your h.

Remember he is big enough and presumably ugly enough to look after himself, he has amply demonstrated that. Concentrate on you and your boys, and all the wonderful things you can do together, and you will mend each other and be happy because you will not be weighed down with guilt like your h. I would not like to be in his shoes - the work required for him just to feel he can look at himself in the mirror again must be immense.

D'you know what Janstar-I very very much doubt that.He doesn't seem to have shown much remorse so far does he? Blames the whole world for his downfall-well namely me. Although one of the main resaons he's shying away from reconciliation is because he knows what a mammoth task he has ahead of him.Not just with me but for all our friends and family who have lost any scrap of respect for him they once had.And he knows how he is viewed. Yet another reason for him to feel sorry for himself and hard done by actually.
I think evil barbie is the one having problems looking in the mirror at the moment.Not that I really give that bitch a second thought much any more.

Guilt will come. From what I read it is common for people having affairs not to feel guilt at the time. Then a while afterward...wham, it hits them.

I only hope it hits him quickly enough for you to still be interested.

Oh Spook - we didn't get a chance to have a proper 'proper' chat yesterday - was a fab day! DS loved it and so did I. His favourite part was clearly rolling in the mud repeatedly! Becca and I were thinking of taking the kids to Ollie's Ocean soon - big adventure soft play thingy in Blyth. Great to go earlish at the weekend and they have the run of the place - great for little ones as well as your boys.

Fancy another meet up?
BTW - you have 2 very handsome little boys :D

Popsycal-I would LOVE another meet up.I was also sorry I didn't get a proper chance to talk to you.I was charmed to bits by your babe though! And if you're anything like as nice as beccarollover then I know you're ALRIGHT! (which I know you are)Let me know and we'll be there! XXX

Feel a bit like I'm intruding as I have never commented on this thread and quite new to it all.I have picked up your story and feel very much for you and your boys.My dh and I had been having problems mainly caused by finances and house move .In Nov2002 he bought dvd for ds which had fault and I asked for receipt which he said he had lost, long story but on receipt was new shirt and beers for hotel room on his works night out which he had hidden in boot of car.We had major falling out and he stayed for christmas, but inbetween xmas and newyear went loking for flat. moved out 1st week in january and I thought I was going to die.I had 4 kids who were heartbroken. He told me repeatedly he didn't love me anymore and I had to deal with kids shouting and crying please don't go when he came to see them.I was so desperate for us to be together each time he visited I wanted him to sleep over,with me!I had support from family and friends and by feb half term went away with kids for a week and at that point he started falling over himself to come back.I let him straight away with no hesitation which I now realise wasn't the best way of dealing with it.What I'm trying to say is can you get away by yourself with kids even to ibiza without him and however tempting to reconcile make him prove to you his commitment.

Going away really gave me a sense of power and control for first time. It was like f**K you our life will and can go on without you .

Thankyou Mambo-and thanks for your massage.I am going to book my flights TOMORROW for Ibiza.If nothing else just to give him the message that I can function without his OK.
Long story but I went to football tonight and he babysat. V.important match.he totally resented me going but I had fab time and he sat on his own in what was once his home.When I got back I brought up the fact that the house HAD to go on the market and he was so pissed off he just had to leave. FUCK OFF. I am SO sorry you're so sad.

Spook, just read your posting here. I've not posted on this thread before, but read it all at the weekend and it actually made me cry I just wanted to say 1. well done for you, 2. what a w**ker and 3. mumsnet is so good, i'm glad i found it.