Hi Spook - I never meant to make you feel worse by sharing my experience, and hope that I haven't contributed to your suffering. I was attempting to let you know that I've been there too, came out the other side eventually, and life now is good. Heartfelt apologies if my attempt was clumsy, and had the opposite effect.
When I was going through the split, it helped immensely to talk, to have people listen, and to let myself be supported. More than anything else, I wanted reassurance that everything would eventually be OK - even though I couldn't comprehend how that could be possible. Knowing that people I loved/respected had been through their own heartbreak and survived, helped immensely - and that was what I was attempting to convey.
Regarding dp's friends: I moved to London to be with my dp (hell, moved countries!!), so when our relationship failed I really was without longterm friends or family accessible. His friends rallied in the most admirable way. They were appalled at his decision and subsequent actions. We spent many nights talking about it, and then finally, it was time to move on. (Don't mean to make this sound easy, as I also benefited from some psychotherapy that helped me understand/cope/move on).
It was comforting to know that his friends wanted to remain friendly with me after the split - validation that they liked me for myself, and not because of my relationship with dp. I forced myself not to ask them about him, when in reality I was desperate for news. Partly I wanted to hear that he was miserable and struggling without me, and that he had recognised the folly of his decision! Eventually his friends became my friends without him as the link. We began to explore and define our own bonds separate from ex-dp. And I am still friendly with those people today - 5 years on.
On word of advice - MAKE PLANS!! Don't sit at home. It is too easy to sink. It is too easy to feel hopeless and miserable. Force yourself to go out into the world as an individual (and as a mum), and then very gradually you can start to see yourself in that way instead of as part of a damaged couple. Outside stimulation may also ease some of the tension with ds. Make a picnic, go feed the ducks, go to the playground, sit in a friend's kitchen with a cup of tea, or just go for a walk. Let yourself grieve when you need to, but try to recognise when you're starting to wallow, and would really be better off outside the same 4 walls.
Lastly, I subscribe to an American parenting newsletter. Sometimes it's a bit simplistic and sentimental. But, sometimes it helps to hear words of optimism that give hope. I read this one, and thought there might be something of value for you, or perhaps something that would simply give a bit of comfort. Apologies if the religious overtones don't suit. Just use whatever (if anything), can help you feel better.
Take care. Hang on, take it a day at a time, grieve when you need to, but know that there is life apart from him - and that life will be good again. In the meantime, try and do whatever you can to be good to yourself.
MAKE EACH DAY A NEW BEGINNING
Life is a series of beginnings and ending - of
work never completed, new problems, and ongoing
frustration. Luckily we've been given the grace
of dawn. Nature gives us respite in sleep and
renewed energy in the new day. The cycle of the
natural order of things shows us we can always
start again. We are not bound by the past - we
get another chance. We know the sun is behind
every cloud, that the storm will always pass to
reveal a new day. As the clouds disappear, the
world is again filled with light. What a remarkable
and repairing design is God's world, filled with
the light of new opportunities. We share a circular,
ever-evolving creation. Everywhere we look, if we
examine carefully, we find a beginning, middle,
and an end. What we make of this gift is ours to
choose.
Henry David Thoreau once said, "If the day and
the night are such that you greet them with joy,
and life emits a fragrance like flowers and
sweet-scented herbs, that is your success." A
joyous attitude ensures a creative uplifting life
and is one of the greatest and most constructive
gifts we can give our children.
Every day the universe gives us gifts of pure
energy and limitless opportunity. You can remind
your children of this always-available spiritual
power, and encourage them to tune into its guidance.
The more they do, the less they will feel the victims
of circumstances. When they believe that each day is
a new beginning, with energy and miracles awaiting them,
your children will feel liberated, with a sense of
control over their lives. They will face each day
with more joy.
-
In the new morning I remember what I did yesterday
and then I do something new. I forget yesterday's
stuff and start all over again.
(Age 5)
-
I love the first day of school with new pencils
and paper. I love to start all fresh!
(Age 7)
-
In the morning I feel like I was just made all
over again.
(Age 6)
Knowing that each day is a new beginning helps us
and our children start our days with the faith
that all will be well. It allows us to experience
peaceful evenings when we know that tomorrow awaits - a
new opportunity to begin again - and fresh assurance
in the mornings that today is full of unlimited
possibilities. We can remind our children the new day
awaits them, so make it special, treat it with
love, and see the goodness in it. Each day, each
beginning offers the potential for bliss. Feel
the magic of that possibility and your child will,
too. Today is sacred; experience delight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR CHILDREN
-
What are your ideas for starting the day on a
more peaceful note?
-
What might you do with worries or concerns so
you can begin the day without anxiety?
-
Will you help me create a prayer for our family
to say in the mornings that starts us all off
remembering each day is a new beginning? How might
the prayer begin?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~