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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
numb · 05/04/2004 21:48

hi becca i am in same situation as spook and i loved reading your post about how you managed to get over your h and he came grovelling back, what a great feeling that must have been. had you found someone new by then?

Beccarollover · 06/04/2004 09:18

Hi Numb

Yes, I think I was with someone else by the time he grovelled back - he still grovels to this day and he has long since realised the girl who was to replace his family was not worth it - when I gave up begging he must have seen her in the cold light of day and realised she was an ugly, frizzy, fat, boring, no hoper

spook · 06/04/2004 13:40

Hi everyone.Am having a very bad day.Went to stay in a cottage with lots of friends and kids last night.Yesterday was fine-just started drinking very early and managed to think about other things.Than ofcourse woke up this morning and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks.Facing back to life is so impossible.Then my 7 year old this morning just went off on his own and sat in the sand dunes and sobbed.So ofcourse I was sobbing too.And we left everyone on the beach and drove home to our empty house. I think I'm going to take them to the flicks now to try and forget.He has not contacted us since Sunday morning and it's absolutely killing me.I don't know how I'm going to go on.I really feel suicidal.The is such an air of despair around everything.

sykes · 06/04/2004 13:56

Spook, are you still there?

Sonnet · 06/04/2004 13:58

Oh Spook - I feel so sad for you and the boys.
You have to be the strong one for them - take them in your arms and hold them tight...
Keep them busy and you...
Somebody will post soon who can help you....
Thinking of you all
Sonnet

Thomcat · 06/04/2004 14:02

So sorry you're having a bad day today hon'.
Hope the cinema made you all feel better.

spook · 06/04/2004 14:04

Hi.Yes I am still here.

Bugsy2 · 06/04/2004 14:05

Oh Spook so sorry to hear you are feeling blue today. It is so very hard to try and keep cheerful, specially when you know your little ones are so sad too.
Best advice is probably to do lots of things, so none of you can dwell too much on your situation.
Thinking of you.

sykes · 06/04/2004 14:11

Spook, if you want to contact me offline, please do. IT's just horrendous isn't it? AS much as I wanted to get away for w/ends grim reality was never far away as all of our friends were mutual so brought back do many memories or I'd just be dreading the car journey home. If you can be bothered do try to go to the cinema - any destraction is good.

Blu · 06/04/2004 14:40

Wincing for you, and so sorry.
FWIW, Spook, I think you are doing all the right things. I was sorry to hear about the last few days, and to be honest, I think your H is probably still in a state of confusion. He is pre-occupied with 'her', ebb, and that heady feeling of an affair, and now she's running from him, he's even more pre-occupied. And he is still seeking familiarity and comfort from you - calling you at 11pm etc. But it sounds as if he is too scared to do that now! (Quite bloody rightly, if you ask me! But he's probably scared that you have forced him to accept reality over at least one aspect of this trail of destruction he has left.
Sorry you're having such a bad day - others will be better, and going to the cinema is a very good idea. Hope you are queuing for the popcorn even now!

Fairyfly · 06/04/2004 14:52

Spook i know this won't help at the moment, but your post saying there is an air of despair round everything made me cry. It will subside you know. You won't believe that just yet i never did ever, but i promise with all my heart you won't always feel like this. It is just a disgusting horrible process of grieving, and i feel for you so much. Just try and look after yourself and not be hard on yourself at all. These days will pass. If there is anything i can do, or if you have msn and want to talk in private or late at night, when everyone is quiet, i am always about just email me at [email protected].
The way i started to heal was constantly talknig about it, you have to feed yourself with positivity all the time. At the begining it only lasted for 5 minutes and then i would be crying again. But over time the up moments last longer and longer. Just keep talking and writing xxx

Janstar · 06/04/2004 15:00

You were right to tell him to limit his calls and visits to you. He no longer has the right to expect you to be available for him 24 hours a day. And for you - you need outings to get you away from staring at the phone. Yes, you feel bad without the contact from him but you know this is the right path if he is ever going to wake up and realise what he is giving up.

Unfortunately I think there is no escape from your sadness at the moment. There may be a certain amount of distraction by visiting friends, etc, but the sadness is something you will have to live with while it runs its course. Accepting that might help you. The good thing is that it will come to an end. One morning you will say to yourself, I am sick of feeling like this, I am not going to waste my emotions on this person any more, and healing will progress another step.

You will not go on feeling like this forever. Ride the storm. If you feel suicidal phone me, or get on line here, but most of all think of your boys. You couldn't do that to them. As much as I know you would die for them if necessary, right now you must stay alive for them. Start eating properly again please.

One day you will know your children saved your life when you were suicidal, just like my daughters did for me years ago. And now here I am, very grateful that I did not throw my life away over someone who was just not worth it.

I now have someone worth dying for: the difference? He would never let me suffer that much. Don't throw away your love any more on someone who can't see its value. Give every little bit of it to your sons.

OP posts:
Janstar · 06/04/2004 15:04

Fairyfly are you forestfly? Mind if I jot down that email too?

OP posts:
Blu · 06/04/2004 15:14

Janstar, I think your experience and the way you use it is a brilliant gift to others.

Fairyfly · 06/04/2004 15:25

Yes i am, but since being chucked out i can't seem to use my old name.........but of course you can
and any weirdos having a quick peek at mumsnet don't bother, i will block you.

sykes · 06/04/2004 15:32

Getting choosey now, are we, FF?

deegward · 06/04/2004 22:09

Spook, are you out there? Just thought I would check you are OK, hope today got better. It really will get better, these 'firsts' are the worst, but then next time it will be easier. There are lots of us out here that care for you, and want you to know we are thinking of you. Even dh asked today how you were!

wintye · 06/04/2004 22:28

Spook, I have followed your thread from the very beginning and only posted a couple of times.

I would just like to tell you that I am thinking of you and so is my DP (he also asks about you).

I'm sure there are lots more of us out there as well. Please look after yourself and just try to hold on to anything that might lift your mood a little. Music, reading, swimming. I'm having a tough time for different reasons and would like to say that you are a real support to me. You are coping so well. Good luck and I will keep reading and waiting for the post when you do finally feel a little better

Big (((hugs))) to you and your boys.

deegward · 07/04/2004 21:13

Spook are you out there? I was worried about you. We are all going (dh, Ds1, &ds2) upto Edinburgh for the weekend and I didn't want you to think we weren't thinking about you.

I know you will have had some tough things to go through this past week, but you are so strong and things will get better. (I think that must be my mantra)

Take care

popsycal · 07/04/2004 21:14

I had an email from spook today - she is around

spook · 08/04/2004 07:58

Hi everyone.I am around,just very very down.

BeckiF · 08/04/2004 09:20

Hi Spook - sorry to hear you are down so low today honey. Not much I can do to help, but be assured there are plenty of us on here thinking of you every day.

Big hugs xxx

motherinferior · 08/04/2004 09:44

(((hugs)))

Janstar · 08/04/2004 10:37

I'm here too, Spook, if you want to talk.

OP posts:
Blu · 08/04/2004 10:41

Hugs, Spook. Hang on in there, minute by minute, day by day. Is it the Easter holidays, and what might have been?

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