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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have another solicitor appointment today.....

162 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 09:55

and am trying to gather all the bits I will need together, as he will be looking into whether I am entitled to legal aid today. So far I have wage slips, marriage certificate, tax credits information, mortgage statement & some mortgage info from the move into this house.
Trying to get everything together while H is sleeping at my Mum's house (he has been on nights & doesn't want disturbing!)
Does anyone know if there is anything else I need to take along with me, as I am in a bit of a fluster!

OP posts:
jellyjelly · 15/08/2006 09:56

passport and a ultility bill but guess you have that with the mortgage statement

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 09:59

A utility bill in my name?
We have seperate accounts & I pay council tax & water rates. All other bills are in his name.

OP posts:
stephanieplum · 15/08/2006 10:09

Yes in your name lw it is for identification. Your solicitor will take the details abit like opening a bank account and that is what you are doing as it is all very expensive even with legal aid!

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 10:13

Thanks, steph! I am all a bit flustered, as I have only had a days notice here! I was meant to be going in just over a week, but due to recent happenings (car buying, throwing things, rushing to get house sold etc), I phoned yesterday & asked if there was any chance he could see me sooner. She then said "Tomorrow afternoon ok?"!!!
I wasn't expecting them to get me in THAT quickly!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/08/2006 10:15

Glad they can see you though LW, esp when the coast is clear Would be tempted to move H's stuff up to your mum's since he is there anyway

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 10:17

My parents are away atm, tribpot, so I don't know why he won't go & stay there!

OP posts:
stephanieplum · 15/08/2006 10:20

Because he is an a*e and because he is probably frightened that you will have changed the locks before he can get back in!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 10:23

He sure can be an a*e at times, Steph!
Do you think I should take the post completion copies of deeds from last house move?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 10:25

Just as well he is at my Mum's this morning, as my boys are hyper & I don't have to panic!

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/08/2006 10:59

And one day ... that will always be the case! You and your boys can just be free to be who you are.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 11:19

I know, tribpot! Had a bit of a low moment last night & started panicking about everything. I was getting a bit scared & upset at the thought of being alone, but I know that long term it is for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 12:43

He is back now. Thank goodness I got all the bits together this morning while he was sleeping round my parents house!

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 15/08/2006 13:14

I keep following how things are going for you LW & often I am just so stunned by your parents attitude & your dh, I don't know what to say. How you can continue with him in the house is beyond me. I'm amazed he isn't walking around with fork prongs sticking out of his back. You are an amazing woman.
Good luck with the solicitor.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 13:36

Thanks, Bugsy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 16:07

I'm back! He has filled in forms for legal aid & given me some homework re tax credits etc.
Looks like he is determined to go along with the mesher order, so my family are just going to have to hate me!
Have to give mediation a go soon, as you have to give it a go if you are getting legal aid.
Will post properly when he leaves for work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 16:51

Turns out my solicitor is one of my neighbours too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 18:41

H has now gone to work & children are settled watching a DVD, so I can post properly!
I gave him all the mortgage details I could find & he has worked out the possible equity. He also looked at my P60 & feels that we must push for the mesher order, as it is the only real hope of me buying anywhere. He is very very against the thought of me renting, as we could get turfed out of rented accomadation after a 6 month period.
He looked at my wage slip & tax credits and told me I would be entitled to legal help. He filled out the forms for this today.
He said that the next step would be mediation, but I was to go in there with the mesher order in mind & that it was most important that the children have secure accomadation.
He was alarmed that H had bought himself a new car at such a time, but feels that H is thinking that he is going to come out of this divorce with £50,000 in his pocket, so is not worrying about his spending atm. He could be in for a bit of a shock!
I now have to contact the inland revenue & customs to try & find out what tax credits I would get if I was on my own with the children. Then I have to take this information & my P60 to a couple of lenders & see how much I can borrow. I then have to add this to any capital & see what (if anything) suitable I can afford.
He couldn't believe that H was talking of dropping the house price already & advised against this. He also mentioned again that I was not to sign anything re house sale yet, as I didn't want to find myself suddenly homeless.

It really hit me when I left there today, what a HUGE thing I am starting here & I felt very scared.

OP posts:
stephanieplum · 15/08/2006 19:18

Huge,complex and scarey but worth it lw. I am divorced and glad that I am! It has been awful but really worth it in the end.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 19:22

I think it just suddenly hit me as I walked out SP, as up until now I have kind of gone along gathering more info each time, but don't think the whole hugeness hit me until I left today! I walked out thinking "I can't believe I am doing this huge huge thing!"

OP posts:
stephanieplum · 15/08/2006 19:24

Yep and it is only the start but honestly hang on in there. Imagine going home and opening the door and no H, no worries about his drinking, your cleaning, watching what you say, being able to move freely about your own house, sing, dance and let your hair down and allow your wonderful sons to grow and flourish without worrying abotu what their dad will say! Oh yes hard and lonely but so worth it!

jabberwocky · 15/08/2006 19:27

I'm sooo glad you are getting good legal advice, lw. Your h's attitude is really unbelievable, but it could wind up working in your favor in the long run.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 19:29

I can imagine, SP! It's the getting there bit that seems tough isn't it?
My solicitor was talking about this mesher plan & how H would get his money back when DS2 reached 18, or in the event of me getting married again. I told him there was absolutely NO chance of me ever marrying again! He said he had heard that line before, but if I did, he advised I tip the bloke upside down first & see what falls out of his wallet!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 15/08/2006 19:32

H could have a few little shocks coming, jabberwocky! He thinks he knows it all atm, but he doesn't!!

OP posts:
Blu · 15/08/2006 19:33

It sounds like your solicitor is going to do a good job for you, lw.

Jusr remember what freckle said - that a mesher order actually offers the higher-earning partner a better deal in the long run - instead of the house going to the primary carer of the children for good, he gets his bit back once the kids are independent. He isn't losing any of his share of the investment at all - it just means that his sons (and the person looking after them for him) gets to live in SOME of his share of the house as well as their own share of the hosue.

Also remember, lw, when dealing with members of your family (who seem to have very old-fashioned ideas about partnership in a modern marriage - inclusing your bil) that all your childcare, parenting and housekeeping are of equal value in the household. The fact that he brought in more of the cash is immaterial.

A question I asked on your old thread, I think - does anyone here know anyhting about the mediation process? I think Freckle said it wasn't binding - if you find it too hard to fight your corner face-to-face with him you can just come out afterwards and tell your solicitor you still want the mesher order. I wonder if you will get a chance to speak in private with the mediator? it seems a bit of a joke that you have to spend time in a room negotiating with a man who you are leaving because of his anger, bullying and because he has at times terrified you! But hey ho. I am assuming the mediation means over assets in the divorce, NOT about your relationship??

Anyway, lw, if you keep enough of the equity in the house (under the mesher order) to be in secure accommodation, I suspect that H will be able to raise another mortgagem anyway, won't he? he'd have more than enough for the deposit if he sold the car!!! He can get a batchelor flat / apartment!!

I think the point your solicitor made about rented acommodation not being secure is a very very good one. The LAST thing you will need is to keep moving house if tennancies come to an end etc etc! Not with the kids and needimng to be very near their school etc. Keep that in mind when you stick up for your mesher order.

Anyway it is absolutely not one invisible jot of your family's business!

Well done for getting the appointment - you can do this!

Blu · 15/08/2006 19:34

Your solicitor makes me laugh, lw.

hey, a clever and nice man who is on your side.

It's been a long time coming!

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