What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

If he really has a passport already and he is not rushing to get the OP PG in order to use his children as a reason to be allowed to stay, and he isn't cock-lodging in her house, then I am at a loss to imagine what he gets out of this.

Did you give him money to start his cafe business? How old are you both?

OP, you sound nice. Too nice for your own good, apparently, if you're still worried about leaving this man because he has no family in the country.

If he was bothered about having a family around, you would be living together . If you are married, you are his next of kin.

Would it be possible that your DH is claiming benefits of some kind as a single person? The whole situation just doesn't add up.

Why aren't you saying what kind of wedding you had? It would help us understand the situation better.

Whatever kind of ceremony you had, it is obvious that this situation cannot continue. You already know this, which is why you posted here.

OP why haven't you answered the repeated questions about the form your "marriage" to this man took ?

Thank you for all the replies to my post. We are both in our 40s. We had a religious ceremony, Nikah, but not a civil one. Because he is devout in practising his religion I think that for him this is regarded as a "proper" marriage, more so even than a registry office ceremony. I haven't converted to Islam, despite much pressure to do so. Originally I assumed that we would be like other married people - That we would live together etc. H lives in sml flat and I shared house with friend. He always delayed the living together stuff - his flat too small, places I went to look at where we could be together too expensive, wrong area etc. Then he said that he likes being alone some days and that if we were together all the time it wouldn't be good for us - a sort of absence makes the heart grow fonder excuse.

My giving him money started slowly as well - first it would be him going to the shops or to get petrol and not having money with him. I've never been a person who carries lots of money with me and if I gave him what was in my bag - £20ish- he would be quite derisory so I started carrying more £100, £150, and over time it got so I gave it before he even asked for it. Now it's just expected from me. I don't know how much he earns from this cafe. I have asked but it is one of those questions that he considers intrusive.

I don't want to make him sound a horrible person. There is something so vulnerable and loveable about him: For example last week when I was having a shitty day at work and phoned him up crying he came to where I work with some chocolate and to give me a hug. So sweet but at the same time there are so many things that are so wrong - the superficial commitment, the secrecy (which leads to lack of trust from me), the money, the control, the feeling that I am last on his list.

He can buy a lot of chocolate with £150/week... He sounds like a horrible person because he's taking you for a ride. Con men are often quite pleasant.

So, with respect anna, you're not legally married and he's exploiting you financially.

There is a part of you that recognises that this isn't a loving, respectful relationship despite the way it sometimes feels, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

So what are you going to do?

Oh god, it's all about him, isn't it? He wants time to himself. He wants money.

I am really shocked that he gave you derisory looks when you didn't give him enough money. Really, can you not see how awful that is?

So, you have no legal binding to him but you are supporting him financially

Please walk away and don't look back

he is a good looking and pleasant (when it suits him) conman

cut contact and if he becomes abusive, involve the police immediately

he may not react too well to the source of unquestioning income coming to an abrupt end, but this you must do

OP you need to stop feeling sympathy for him now and start taking care of yourself.

This is not what you need or deserve.

I could say that you should have got to know him better, find out what his interests for your future was etc etc but all that is in hindsight now.

This has to stop.

Can I ask what you're going to do?

Nikah not recognised in the UK

This article has some grim cautionary tales for anyone thinking a Nikah has any validity in law. Women are being conned left right and centre.

Dr Siddiqiui added that he believed some Muslim women were being exploited as their partners promised them a civil wedding after the nikah only to refuse to go ahead with it.

''This allows Muslim men to control their wives because they can threaten to leave them and end the Islamic marriage by just saying the words 'divorce, divorce divorce' to her,'' he said.

''It also enables some men to commit polygamy. I know of cases where men have taken on several wives because they have just had the nikah with each partner.''

In this case it's to your advantage. Just walk away.

you know that an arabic man is not supposed to take money from a woman? So he isnt that devout. He is supposed to support her, and her money is for her alone (thats why inheritance gives much more for men than women)
And in my experience, the staying up late with tea drinking friends transpired into casinos, weed and hanging around with opium smokers that were using prostitutes....not my ex h, of course, hmmmm... this. This WAS my arabic ex husband...... so maybe a bit biased, but certainly recognise the 'find someone desperate to be loved, give it to them in shovelloads, isolate from nay sayers, financially and emotionally abuse' story
And he too had a quality that made vulnerable women feel sorry for him, could be sweet in small bursts
Still an arsehole
Wake up and smell the coffee love. I mean that most kindly.

yes perspective much needed.

you are being used

could you be a second wife?

I have family experience of this situation. You are at the very least a second "wife" if not right now... very very soon

If you still feel he might be genuine, why not stop giving him money and see what he does? Tell him you are a bit short of cash and that you can't lend him any for a few months.

even if you are second wife btw, they are supposed to treat you equally.

I lived in the ME for 8 years (I have muslim family myself). I knew several western women in nikah-only marriages like this. Everything you say about him is so familiar. This will not end well. Get out now. You need to work on your own self-esteem - you cannot settle for this.

OP how did you meet this man ?

Thank god you're not legally married.

You know those beach bums in places like Goa that prey on western women and fleece them of their money? This is absolutely no different except that it's happening in the UK.

Walk away now! No more money, no more contact, no nothing!
I don't want to make him sound a horrible person.

But he is!

I know Nikah isn't recognised in law but for me it is a vow made to God and should be honoured as much as a church.

I know I ought to get out of this relationship. It takes up so much of my emotional energy that I feel I don't have enough to deal with other stuff properly - like shitty days at work. I don't know why I don't have the strength of character to just walk away. I don't think I know the words to use to tell him I am walking away. .

You don't need to tell him. You just do it.

ok, as someone said up thread

i divorce you x 3 isnt it?

You have the strength of character...you realised this is not right how your are treated, you have thought about it (draining I know) and have posted here. this is strength...it is jus the start of what YOU want to do next..

You need to take your time in absorbing what people have told you. Change like this tends to follow:

Shock
Denial
Anger
Acceptance

I think you are hovering between denial and anger. When your anger hits you'll move quickly!! Just dont get stuck in anything other than the last phase.

I'm so sorry your marriage has turned out this. I agree you need to get out now. You fully admit your emotionally drained and he's draining you financially.

It sounds very much like the emotional abuse that's talked about here quite a bit - he's made you feel like your wrong. Wrong to question him, wrong to want more because it's not his culture, wrong to not have the money he wants when he wants it and now wrong to not want to live some kind of half life.

I understand what your saying though about it being difficult to find the words - is there any way you could test the waters about his reaction will be by not giving him money one week and then not staying over on the Saturday? Then tell him you've realised this marriage is not what you want from a marriage.

The most horrible people often come across as nice, they use the niceness to manipulate their prey, they switch it on and off as needed.

You are not legally married to this man, he used the nikah ceremony to bind you to him emotionally. To be honest, he sounds like a massive conman who has no respect for you and must be laughing up his sleeve at how easy it is to string you along with timely hugs and chocolate. These are not caring gestures, they are coldly calculated to keep you emotionally dependant on him.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but there is a certain type of Arab man who has no respect for women in general, and western ones in particular. For them, they are just cash cows to be used and abused as they see fit. I'm surprised he hasn't asked you to invest your savings in his business yet.

End this non-relationship now, and regain some self-respect.

Good luck, OP

Was he your student and then you fell under his spell?

It is a spell you're under but you're only just realising it.

The good advice here is painful because you know yourself what you have to do but you want the happy ever after and so are in denial.

Op please start dreaming of a future where you are loved and cherished and respected. You are condemning yourself to a life of absolute misery every day you stay with this charming con artist, and you know it.

Start small by no longer giving him money and insisting on answers. Ask him why he asks you for money when a true muslim would never do that?

The secretive, distant,contemptuous, angry, controlling personality is 95% isn't it? But you only want to recall the lovely 5%. You are going to have to force yourself to fall out of love with him so forcing yourself to seeing his ugly side more often may just do the trick.

You don't want to break the spell because you'd feel an absolute fool that you have allowed yourself to be taken for such a ride, invested so much in him and it's really embarrassing isn't it?

You sound professionally competent but emotionally damaged, a perfect combination to be a victim of such a calculating, devious and dishonest con artist.

The spell is breaking though, op, thank god. Please do what you have to do and don't look back. Be strong. No decent man, muslim or otherwise would treat you as appallingly as this.

I believe in you though op, it doesn't matter you have made the biggest mistake of your life in investing time in this man. You can get out of it, you are only in your 40s and your future is bright once you make the moves you know you have to make.

Good luck op x