What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

I suppose it's because you're looking at it from the point of view of that life being shown you now, Holly. The OP clearly wasn't told 4 years ago, "Marry me, see me once or twice a week, give me some money regularly and don't ask me any questions."

It's clear that she's now facing up to how things are. She does need support.

He's clearly spun a web of lies, telling her something along the lines of "I am not allowed to be married because it will jeopardise my asylum appication / people will think I am a scrounger and I hate that / my family will disown me / your family will hate me / I will lose my benefits / some other scary story or a combination of all the above" that explains why it all had to be a secret.

No-one is 'supporting' her by suggesting she maintains the status quo, Holly, or suggesting that she shouldn't LTB.

He is married to her, ravenmum.

Very much reminds me of a friend of mine & her marriage to a Turkish man.
He treated her appallingly & really only wanted permanent residency in the UK. He had no respect for her probably spent 90% of his time away from her & she was never included in the 'Turkish' part of his life.. (Family friends etc) she never knew if he was visiting Turkey or in the UK.

They were married for 8 yrs & she found out in that time he'd had 2 children with a woman in Turkey & moved her over here once he had his residency. I think in many cases the mix of 2 very different cultures just doesn't work.

Cut your loses & find a man who wants to be with you & is proud to be with you.

This is a non starter. Just leave him and start again. Can't think of any way you can massively change this unacceptable set up. Or does he have another wife or woman somewhere.

of course the OP did not expect her life to be like this when she got married. Like many of us, she probably believed in a series of exceptions, which ended up just going on for four years along the lines of "when X happens, everything will change..." "but it can't right now because Y is happening. But when Y is out of the way, X can happen, and things will change..."

Personally I am one of the many women in the world who tells myself "if only I were thinner, then I would do X, Y, Z."

It's the same sort of thing, but on a larger scale.

Holly's entitled to sound off but IME accusing a poster of having 'half a brain' doesn't really encourage them to come back for more. Like a lot of other women in abusive, unpleasant or unusual relationships, I'm sure she didn't set out expecting to be ill-treated. She's certainly not stupid

These men are arch manipulators. They take someone keen to find love and offer it in spades, sweeping them off their feet with some sob-story or lavish promises and rushing them up the aisle before they can pause to think. The victim... because the OP is a victim.... might have had doubts but will have been encouraged not to involve disapproving family and probably sold some line about why the marriage has to be hidden. 'This is how we do it in my country'. 'We have to keep a low profile... the people I escaped from are looking for me' .. whatever.

Then things go downhill, the true nature of the behaviour is revealed, and the victim is torn between trying to get back to the intense 'love' of the early days by being compliant and eager to please, and knowing it's wrong but feeling so anxious about the reaction of family and friends that they say nothing. 'Half a brain' .. they might even unkindly say. It creates the perfect emotional trap.

Good post Cogito

Ok fair enough Cogito, I understand how the slow creep and the clever manipulation happens to women (and men) who are so keen to be loved that they fall for the bullshit. But there are certain scenarios/patterns that have become such well-documented cliches, (and this is so obviously one of them,) that you have to wonder if people like the OP have been living in a hermetically sealed bubble and wearing earplugs and blinkers for most of their adult life, not to have seen this one coming a mile off.

This is not a normal marriage, did you marry in court or was it a religious marriage? Any Arab with a bit of self respect will not allow you to pay for his bills. Yes, they do tend to spend a lot of time with their friends, but the fact that you don't live together as a married couple is absolutely unacceptable in Arab culture, in both Christian and Muslim communities. He is taking you for a ride. Marriage is not to be like this. I'd say get rid of him, he can be cuddle 3 days a week, but he is supposed to take responsibility, financially provide, give you security.

Sorry to say but Arab women won't marry 'men' like this, that's why this type of man goes after gullible girls outside of their communities.

Get rid of him.

And this comes from someone who has lived in the middle east for 8 years.

I know that no women other than myself ever visit his flat - I can come and go there as I please without notice to him - I sometimes call in on my way to work, at various times in the evening even a few times in the early hours if I haven't been able to sleep. He always sleeps there so if he's married to someone else he never spends the night with his other wife. I have wondered before about a wife in another country - it would be unusual for a man from his culture not to be married when he reached his early 20s, but then he came from a very awful war torn country and was a refuge before in another Arab country before war there meant he had to leave there as well and he came to the UK. He says he was never safe and settled enough to marry before. We have no children. His friends know me and that we are married, although how he explains our living arrangements to them I don't know. He works with a friend who I don't like or trust at all - they run a small "arabic" cafe together. I have seen his passport which he got before he met me.

Thanks for coming back, OP.

Why didn't you two live together when you married? Why don't your family know about him?

It's such an unusual arrangement. Are you truly happy living like that?

Realise what you're saying Holly and yes, it is a wonder why anyone falls for the crap given that it often falls along such well-defined patterns. But it does and they do.... and I personally find it difficult to be too judgemental having made plenty of bad decisions of my own in pursuit of Happy Ever After. :)

In what way don't you trust his friend? And why are you giving him money if he's running a cafe and sharing a flat?

Sorry, I wasn't very clear, ImperialBlether. I meant that he might be saying "I have to keep the marriage a secret because I am not officially allowed to be married" to explain why they weren't living together.

So did he have some excuse for your not moving in together, annaomar? Or was it just a vague "my culture" thing?

Wow you are allowed to come to your husband's flat! Sorry but do you not think this all sounds wrong?
Yes, many men of Arab origin don't marry until later, for many reasons, and him not having been secure enough to do is understandable. But now he is married to a woman he can't support or even live with.
Does his family know about you? Have you spoken to them? If he has family, and they don't know about you, you are more than likely to remain a secret wife.

His friends know me and that we are married, although how he explains our living arrangements to them I don't know.

Never mind how he explains your living arrangements to his friends anna, how does he explain them to you?

He wouldn't be alone if you left him, would he? He's got all his male friends with whom he actually socialises, the ones he sees and spends time with.

So, are you going to get legal advice?

Because you really must.

Did you convert to his religion? Did he ask you to get married or was it the other way around?

Are you happy? Some of the issues discussed here are a bit of a red herring, either you are happy and its working for you or you are not and its time for a change.

I would be trying to find out if his passport were genuine if I were you. Can you go into his flat in the daytime when he is at work and expects you to be too? Have a rummage through paperwork etc?

You aren't answering many of the questions people are asking you. What kind of reasons did he give for never coming to your home when you were dating? What reasons does he give for the odd way you live now? Does he visit your family and friends with you? What kind of wedding did you have, and why so quickly?

In fact do your family even know you are married? What do you do at times like Christmas and birthdays? Four years is an awfully long time to be married, but essentially living like a woman who is still casually dating someone.

OP I think a key question here, that not just me has asked, is what form did the marriage ceremony take?

Exactly that's what I want to know Logg1e. If she had just a unofficial ceremony she is not legally his wife. So many girls get into these ceremonies done at home, and they're not legally accepted unless a civil ceremony is done first. I really think the "DH" is not being honest.