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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What kind of relationship is this?

613 replies

annaomar · 16/03/2014 01:16

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

OP posts:
annaomar · 06/05/2014 22:48

I certainly don't blame O's culture or religion for the way he is. They have nothing to do with how he is - I know many Arabs and Muslims and they can be no more stereotyped than non-Arabs or Christians can be. I do think it's probably got a lot to do with O's background and childhood experiences. I don't believe anyone is born bad and think people become who they are through nurture, not nature. That makes me very sad because maybe O never stood a chance. (I don't want to make excuses for him - he has turned out to be a deeply unpleasant man).

I am puzzled how the woman in Morocco got my phone number. A friend suggests I phone her again and ask her more questions. My instinct is to just draw a line under the whole thing and try to move on, but my friend says that while I have unanswered questions the line will be difficult (impossible) to draw.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 06/05/2014 22:54

I would follow your own instinct on that one. Your friend may just be wanting to satisfy her own curiousity.

Why Omar is the way he is doesn't change who he is. He is a nasty man you should stay away from.

AveryJessup · 07/05/2014 00:39

Yes, i agree with sonja. There will never be an end to the questions with this man. You could ring the woman in Morocco and still end up with 100 more questions than when you started.

If your gut is telling you to just move on and draw a line under the whole experience then you're probably right. Try to move on with your life and put it behind you. I'm sure there are so many more decent men out there who are deserving and capable of a real relationship with you.

RedNosedClone · 07/05/2014 12:10

I agree with pp. If you contact the woman in Morocco you will just get drawn further in. If she is genuine, you will have more unanswered questions, and will be confronted by someone else's distress. There is nothing you can do for her, she will have to work through it by herself, as you are doing.

If she isn't genuine, then you are best not going there at all, it is too awful.

It is great that you are trying to move on now. Sometimes in life we don't have answers to all our questions. You will never know what made O the unpleasant person he is, but you do know why he did what he did - you allowed him to because you are nice, and you believe that everyone else is fundamentally nice too. They're not. Some people are so flawed that they are irrecuperable, you can't make them better.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/05/2014 13:02

Agree with everyone else - you'll NEVER get the answers you'd have liked because there are just too many lies flying around; dig any further into this and a load more will come crawling out of the woodwork, to no effect at all except to upset you further

I'm sure your friend meant well, but do remember that she's not having to live through this ... you are, and surely you don't want any more mind games?

Jux · 07/05/2014 14:23

She is basically irrelevant, Anna, genuine or not. She is not going to be your best buddy, you are not going to bond over broken hearts.

annaomar · 07/05/2014 18:13

What you say is true and I am not going to contact her. . The silly thing is that before I knew about this woman's existence I knew that this was a rubbish relationship that I had to leave - my counsellor quoted my own words back at me " for the sake of my mental health and well being". But since this woman has appeared as well as feeling betrayed I also feel somehow jealous. What if she continues with this strange relationship? Maybe she's the one he really loves? What about if he tells her that the problem with his papers is suddenly resolved and she can come to the uk so they can be together, happy with love? I know that he has been as crap with her as with me and if she puts up with more then she is more of a fool - but what if she persists and waits it out and gets him in the end and they live happily ever after? " Gets what?" I hear you all chorus - a liar, a cheat, a bully, manipulative, self-centred.... What a prize - but I still don't want her to be the one who wins. Odd, I know.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 07/05/2014 18:21

Do you think Omar is going to see the error of his ways, grow a new personality and moral code and become a really great guy? He isn't going to do that. For one thing, nothing you had written suggests he wants to. He is going to continue doing exactly what he has done because that is what he wants to do. So there is no happy ever after for the Moroccan woman or any other woman. You are starting to believe in your fantasy Omar again. Stop and look again at the reality of who he is. Is the reality a man you want in your life?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/05/2014 18:48

I'd suggest that it's probably not the actual Omar you're inclined to feel jealous about, more the happy relationship which you thought (hoped?) you'd have with him

Of course the sensible part of you knows that's never going to happen - not for you and not for this other woman either; he simply doesn't possess the necessary qualities, as he's shown time and time again

Surely, though, the point is that hankering after him wouldn't just be a waste of time in itself; it would also prevent you meeting someone wonderful who you can share a real relationship with. Time to move on then, away from this disastrous marriage-that-never-was into a much brighter future ... you KNOW you can do it Smile

bluebell345 · 16/05/2014 19:09

I wondered how you getting on annaomar, is everything all right now?

upupupandaway · 25/05/2014 23:07

Was wondering too. How are you OP, hope you haven't fallen prey to his stupid tricks.

Iflyaway · 28/05/2014 17:59

I, m wondering also anna how you are doing...

You know, whatever happens, we are always here to support you.

MrsJoeDolan · 05/08/2014 22:43

Anna how have you been?

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